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MAIL.

Send all your hot 'n' heavy love letters, vicious hate mail, warped comments, and tamper-proof food products to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

ALTMAN STONED!

I would just like to tell Billy Altman to go to hell! Mick is not an old geezer and Undercover is a great album! You were too busy finding out what was under the stickers to realize that the Stones sound great on their new album and on all of their other albums!

Stones Fan Forever

Taylor, MI

‘Note: Read to the words of “Too Much Blood”:

Did you ever see the Billy Altman Chainsaw Massacre? Great, wasn’t it? You know, people ask me, “Is it really true about that girl who was outraged by that bastard’s record review of Undercover?” I say, “Well, you know, the guy deserved getting all sawed to pieces with a chainsaw!”

Jade & Mandy

New York, NY

Who the hell is this Billy Altman? He reminds me of that so-called album critic, Lester Bangs. They’re probably related. After looking at this sod’s work, I have something to say to the people in charge of CREEM: “It Must Be Hell” having this guy on the payroll.

Karis Scotts

Some Location (Tell us about it. —Ed.)

JOHNSON HUMILIATED!

Hey! I know Rick “Rio” Johnson is going to get a flood of mail about this, but this letter must be printed, OK?

OK—let’s get right to the point—RICK JOHNSON ACTUALLY LIKES A DURAN DURAN ALBUM? Ha-ha-ha! Has he been “whiffing the bitter Buf Puf” himself? This is amazing! I think it’s a good album, but I could never picture Rick admitting it in print! I’m glad he FINALLY realizes that Duran Duran are GREAT!

But alas, I know that in future issues, he will go right back to making fun of them. But thanks for a good laugh anyway, Rick.

The 7th Stranger

Crack In The Pavement

Rick “Rio” Johnson, I think I love you! How cool and outrageously courageous you must be to write a review that actually praises Duran Duran.

Annie

Lexington, KY

.. .the biggest miracle of God since virgin birth...

Alexi Sylvia Roland Rhodes

Kent, WA

(When last seen, Rick’s unaccustomed-to-praise head had swollen to such inmmensify, he floated right off the planet! With the rest of him attached, thank God!—Ed.)

MENDELSSOHN'S BONES PICKED!

In reference to your Eleganza article in the March issue, I have a few bones to pick with J. Mendelssohn. First of all, I think his train of thought got a bit derailed on this article. He can’t decide whether his article is on T-shirts or how heavy metal bands fear women. He really is biting the hand that feeds him! And who gives a damn if a T-shirt is 50% polyester? He ought to be a consumer guide for Family Circle. His hostilities about heavy metal seem to be focused on Ronnie Dio, which I won’t argue with.

Last of all, this master of the pen doesn’t really know what happened at Jack Murphy Stadium. I was there when that poor girl was raped. But it wasn’t crazed Def Leppard fans who did it, it was a bunch of marines who are Motley Crue fans. And for your info, everyone was not cheering them on. A bunch of us sailors and a few civilians held them back, to the dismay of some of those freaks, before the cops got there. For the reader’s ease of mind, those jarheads who raped the girl will probably do 20 years to life in Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas, breaking rocks.

Herman The Squid

San Diego, CA

KRAMER BEGGED!

Dear Connie,

I’m gay and I have the March issue of CREEM Rock-Shots and I like the picture of Robert Plant where he’s kissing Phil Collins and I also like the picture of David Lee Roth where he’s with two women and where one woman has her hand on David’s right thigh and where the other woman has her hand inside his shirt.

Connie! In the next issue of CREEM RockShots, I would like to see Paul Stanley and Vinnie Vincent fooling around. I would like to see Vinnie Vincent’s hand on Paul Stanley’s thigh and where Vinnie is kissing Paul on the lips.

Big Fan Of Kiss

Sheboygan, WI

P.S. You’ll be hearing from me again soon. (Threats will get you nowhere!—Ed.)

NIX ON PIX

This is a letter of protest, addressed to all the major coliseums, arenas, music theaters, etc., and rock stars. Especially the rock stars!

What is the first thing you see when you approach any coliseum doors? It’s not the narcs dressed like flower children. It’s not the strungout groupies ganging up on a poor soul, trying to get his ticket. And it’s not the scalpers selling that same $12 ticket for $60. No, it’s not any of these. Do you give up? OK, I’ll tell ya, the first thing I see that makes me nauseous—it’s that black and white sign taped to the doors. In small print it reads “No alcoholic beverages and no food.” In most cases, the reason behind this is simple, the coliseum will get gypped because they sell the juice and munchies inside.

But what’s in the bold black type? NO CAMERAS PERMITTED. And inside are the cops searching coat pockets, back pockets, invisible pockets, purses, etc. I mean, these cops are actually frisking people. For what? Not for drugs, no—they’re permitted, just take a whiff inside. No, not the concealed weapons—go ahead, take a shot at Boy George while you got the chance. What they’re looking for is the dreaded camera that can expose the star’s true identity.

It really makes it rough for the amateur photographer. Not everybody caught with a camera is the Picture Pirate, selling each photo for five dollars each. No, most of the camera criminals just want to have something to show their friends (anybody can get a shirt).

The most common reason I hear for the sign is, “The group doesn’t wanna be photographed, man.” Then how come I see their mugs in this mag? What’s the difference? Maybe they’ll get caught with their fly down, or maybe their lipstick might be smudged. Poor babies. Welcome to the Real World, the one that says nobody’s perfect! I’m just fed up with them all. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, MAN!

Diane

Youngstown, OH

STRAY MEOW ON THE LOOSE

Always dress neatly for work—you never know who’ll drop by.

For example, I work at a shoe and clothes store near New Orleans. Last month, the Stray Cats played N.O. and guess who dropped by the store on the way to the city? No, not one of them— Britt Ekland, one of them’s old ladies.

I asked her if she needed some help. She said no, she was just looking. I told the manager that I thought the lady who just walked in was Britt Ekland. She took a look over at her and said she thought it was too.

Since it wasn’t busy and she wasn’t being bothered, I decided it was my duty to bug her. I asked her if she was B.E. She said yes. I made small talk. She noticed my shoes. Black patent leather low-heel pumps with a slit toe and bow. She asked if we had them in her size. I forget what it was. We didn’t. She thanked me and left.

So dress neatly for work and maybe a celebrity will want to buy your shoes.

Robin

Living In Oz

URGE TO WISECRACK STIFLED

A Little Sympathy Note: A date of remembrance: 1956-1982. I would like to sympathize with all those people who love Randy Rhoads as much as I do. For he has passed away, God bless his soul. His death hurts many people who knew the true meaning of rock, because he was so young and talented. It’s just not fair, but nothing much is fair anymore.

Every time I pick up a picture of him, or read about him, or even hear his music, or name, I feel like crying. He was what we came to see Ozzy for, because he was the best guitarist I think the world has ever known, and much more. He was a natural, and to us, he gave his gift. But he was soon taken away, and at the peak of his career, when he was hoping that everyone would soon know him as a guitarist. If only he had known what we felt today. He was certainly more than a part of Ozzy’s band, nothing against Ozzy.

I just bet he’s up there now jamming with the best, for he was the best. This may sound a little strange, but I am writing this for people who knew Randy was great. Take a moment or so of your spare time to pray for Randy Rhoads, I know I am.

A Randy Rhoads Lover

Maple Ridge, B.C.

INARGUABLE STATEMENT

It’s people like you who make music a bad name.

Carol Logue

San Diego, CA

JAGGER TO MAR FACEMASK?

Have you seen Tony Esposito play goal lately? I mean, there is something disconcerting about a goaltender who needs to be helped up after making a save. Sure, he shows the occasional flash of the old Tony O., but frankly, he’s embarrassing himself. Remember how sad Johnny Unitas looked in a San Diego Charger uniform?

Or Joe Namath did with the Rams? It’s a dilemma every great/formerly great athlete faces— exactly when to retire. The point? Well, the point is, somebody had better tell the Stones, because they are a major embarrassment.

Not RJ

Everywhere

FRAMPTON DISEASE REACHES MEMPHIS

I just finished reading your Feb. ’84 issue of CREEM Close Up: Rock Chronicles, and I became quite concerned about a statement in your Rock ’N’ Roll News on page five. You mentioned Peter Frampton’s Houston concert over Halloween, and you stated that Frampton made an announcement that “rare disease microbes were accidentally implanted in all the covers of his Frampton Comes Alive album, and those who touched it have contracted a terminal illness.” Was that statement a fact, or was it a joke? And even if Peter made no such announcement concerning his LP, could rare disease microbes really be. implanted in the cover of an album? And could someone contract a terminal illness? Could you please send me a personal reply in order to provide me with some clarification? I would appreciate it very much because I’m worried about this.

D. Straton

Memphis, TN

NEPOTISM REARS UGLY HEAD

You know, I’ve loved David Letterman and J. Kordosh very much for a long time now. After having read Kordosh’s article in the stupidly named Rock Chronicles, I am convinced that the strength of my love for them melded them into one being! (Is melded the right word?)

The TV David J. Letterman-Kodosh acts like he doesn t know anything about music, while the CREEM D.J.L.K. writes about his supposed wife and three kids, thus confusing everybody but me. Don’t try to deny it, D. John Kordosh-Letterman! I’ll always love you.

Kiss Larry “Bud” Melman for me!

Sarah Riegel Cincinnati, OH

(Attention ALL offspring! CREEM’s Rock Chronicles—featuring the best, worst, and most everything else about rock ’n’ roll in ’83, is still available from us for $2.95 [plus $1.50 postage and handling]! Ain’t life grand?—Ed.)

JOEL BILLY VS. ED!

Billy Joel is the best musician,

Ed., you are the worst editor.

Billy Joel has the best body,

Ed., you are an ugly fat slob.

Billy Joel has the very most talent,

Ed., you are a major flop at everything you do.

Billy Joel is FAMOUS,

Ed., you are a nobody.

Billy Joel has a beautiful, sexy, rich, smart, talented, charming, breathtaking girlfriend. Ed., you have nobody.

Christie Lee 52nd St., Vienna

(Gotta stop these information leaks pronto!—Ed.)

WHAT'D YOU SAY? .

HIGH! WELL, I HAVE GOT TO WRITE ALL BIG BECAUSE I AM DEAF, OK! BETSEY-LOU COWCH1P, TN

P.S. IF YOU WRITE BACK, WRITE REAL LOUD, OK?

GET NATURAL, MAN!

I was reading your October, ’83 issue, and I came across a letter entitled “Message Unclear.”

I must protest on behalf of us heavy metallers who read that notorious letter. It would pleasure me greatly to cuss that punker out. I sincerely hope you print this:

I literally worship heavy metal, and I’m certainly not scum. As a matter of fact, I probably have more manners in my little finger than you have in your whole slimy soul. I’m a reserved type of person and I rarely misbehave.

Why can’t you people get natural, man? You’re too artificial! You can’t look human like the rest of us; you have to wear funky costumes which are seldom fit for Halloween. You’re like creatures from outer space. One can’t tell which are male and which are female because all of you wear make-up!

You sure as hell wouldn’t see one of our guys walking down the street with multi-colored hair, wearing make-up. God, how you people disgust me!

In Love With Robert Plant

Pinson, AL

IS YOURS STILL BEATING?

Enclosed are two features we hope you’ll be able to use for Heart Month nationwide.

Cardiovascular disease—heart disease, heart attack and stroke—kills more people than all other causes combined, and will kill an estimated 38,000 people in Michigan during 1984.

The American Heart Association of Michigan is working to reduce this toll, and any help you can give us in getting our message to your readers will be greatly appreciated.

Marilyn J. Veltman

Director of Community Relations

Michigan Heart Association

AS A SINGER. SHE'S A GREAT PHOTOGRAPHER!

I would like to thank all those who voted for me as Rock Photographer of the Year. I would also like to thank all of you who forgot to send in their votes for other photographers. For the past five years, you have chosen me as #1 and it genuinely means a great deal to me. Now I would like to ask you to do something for me. Write CREEM and ask them why they did not review my album: Will Powers—Dancing For Mental Health. Ask why they never told you about how I recorded with Sting, Steve Win wood, Tom Bailey, Todd Rundgren etc. Why no interview? Do you want to know more about me? Do you think they’ll publish this? Why did they only do one page of photos? I got lots of pics of Will and his friends. Do you think they don’t like the idea of a “photographer” making a record? What kind of people are at this magazine anyway? Aren’t you interested in learning Will Powers’s technique for Kissing With Confidence? Maybe they will publish this and if they do I would like to answer Princess Isabella from Syracuse who wrote to CREEM about me in the Feb. ’84 issue—You are absolutely right. Drinking straight from the Perrier bottle is “nouveau riche.” Your father should not let me into his club. The only place you might be outta line is telling me I committed a “faux pas.” The “nouveau riche” are not subject to “faux pas.” That’s why I am “nouveau riche.”

Lynn Goldsmith

New York City

(The preceeding has been a paid political announcement!—Ed.)

WE PUBLISH "LANGUAGE"

I’m sitting here in English Lit and putting the Jan ’84 CREEM on my notebook so it looks like I’m studying, and what do I come across, but a most insulting letter by a Chickie Scott Bobrowich telling us how much language you guys publish. And I quote, “Such language that I have to hide it from my parents.”

Well, I go home and start flipping through one of my sister’s magazines, and what do I see but a picture of our good buddy Chickie Scott as the winner of a lovely contest about why he loves 16 Magazine so much. He writes, “1 love this magazine because they have all my faves every month, and I can keep up with all the latest.” Hey, Chickie—by how old you look, I’m surprised they (your parents) let you buy CREEM, never mind read it. I sent his picture so if you can print it, it would be dandy! Thank you.

Beth “Liz” Taylor

Rio, Planet Earth

P.S. Sorry about the “WIMP!” on the picture, but my sister already put it there.

PIGEON MOUTH

I would just like to thank everyone for voting me Sex Object Of The Year. Linda thanks you too. My children thank you also. What? You mean I didn’t win? Who the hell is Joe Elliott? Deaf what? I just don’t understand it, I used to be so adorable, I . . . I . . .

Paul McCartney

Sheffield, England

P.S. I would also like to say hello to Giorgi Taylor. Whoever that is.

MOCK MOCK MOCK

I think it’s pretty despicable the way you criticized Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth in your March issue. I myself am an avid Van Halen and Ozzy fan. It seems like you mock all the good groups and support the crummy ones like Culture Club (along with that weirdo Boy George). Even though after I send, and you receive, this letter, things probably won’t change much, but I thought I would give you some reader input.

Bob Johnson Margate, FL

P.S. Happy headhunting!

P.S.S. If you don’t print this, I won’t be surprised!

(Neither will we!—Ed.)

MIX 'N' MATCH

In your January issue, you printed two pictures of what you think is Haysi Fantayzee. The woman in the picture is Kate Garner. But the “man” pictured isn’t Jeremiah Healy. His name is Marilyn. In the unlikely event that I am wrong, disregard this letter!

Lisa Casier Santa Barbara, CA

(In the unlikefy event that we CARE, please disregard this reply!—Ed.)

BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE BALD SPOTS?

The people who love Ronald Reagan don’t know him personally. We need Michael Jackson and Michael Jackson needs us. Nothing will stand in our way.

Judy, Estelle & Jenny Detroit, MI

GEDDY LEE, DEATH LINKED!

You made a typing error in your Feb. issue. On page 15, you reported Geddy Lee of Rush is a bass slayer. What does he do, go around killing basses?

“Mighty Alert”

Tony DiPaulo Illinois

(We just don’t have the heart to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreply to this one!—Ed.)