MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

NOT FUNNY

I have bought your magazine many times, I have a subscription now and I enjoy it more than ever. Recently, as I was flipping past old issues, I ran past the 1982 Drug Reference chart (Nov. '82) and the article, which I re-read, really hit home.

My uncle addicted himself to cocaine because of pressure at work and from his boss, who also did coke. As a result, he blew a lot of money away on it, to the point of mortgaging his house and selling one of his airplanes. In May, '83, he crashed a six-passenger Cessna aircraft into the Indian River in Florida, killing himself, my aunt and four other people. Traces of coke were found in four of the bodies; which, by the way, could only be identified by dental records. Nice, eh? Coke was also discovered in luggage on the plane. We don't know for sure who was piloting the plane, but chances are they were on coke. This has been hard on all of us, including my cousins. They were lucky to be old enough to be on their own , having gone through college and steady jobs. The point I am trying to make is that they were lucky. My uncle was foolish.

If I could help someone, even if only one family, by getting you to reprint the article, I would be forever in your debt. Coke is a very seductive and consuming habit, it is very expensive and the price of its addiction is not worth anything in the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no drug crusader, I'm only a teenage high school senior. But I have seen what coke does to a person. I saw my uncle, months before his death, in severe addiction. He looked like death warmed over. His face was gray, honestly!

I shared the article with my folks, who found it delightfully amusing and informative; It helped them understand better what I tried to explain to them. I'm smart and I don't need drugs to be a part of a group or "belong" in society.

Smart & Seventeen

Rochester, NY

PEABO MUSIC FOR SEX PEOPLE

Thank you for finally putting out an issue on the brothers and sisters of the music industry. I have been reading your imag for five years and I think it's about time. Being black, I've always wondered why 1 love, no, worship rock 'n' roll, CREEM, and MTV, not necessarily in that order. It's not just me, the brothers and sisters have noticed that 1 love to walk around in faded blue jeans with my Pink Fioyd t-shirt and my favorite item, my ZZ Top key ring. They talk about the kid, but that's cool because as Jackson Browne said, "I'll be the happy idiot and search for the legal tender." So you can guess the look on their faces when they saw me reading CREEM with (oh my God) black people on the cover. Thank you, some of the brothers even give me the time of day now.

It's been a long time cornin'.

John Kevin Key

Metairie, LA

P.S. Some of the sisters are even giving me sexual come-ons. Just between you and me, I think the Luther Vandross article did the trick. Now, if you can do an article on Peabo Bryson, I can get down to some serious sex.

(Attention sex fans of all persuasions! If you raised CREEM's vastly informative GOLD SOUL Close-Up, send $2.95 [plus $1.50 postage & handling] to us this very second! Or else we're gonna handle you\—Ed.)

HOOP POOP

That article on Borg was really great. I agree that, although he has "retired" he remains the best player of his time.

Also, the story on Andrew Toney was spectacular. He is one of, if not the best forward in the NBA. The writer was right to point out that, if Toney is one of the best, then Moncrief of the Bucks is not far behind.

G.B Braske

Milwaukee, WI

VERY FUNNY

The next time you want to put down Andy Summers, just look at him and then at yourselves. Look where Andy got in life, and look where you guys got. HA! HA! HA! It makes me laugh!

Lisa Summers

Brookhaven, PA

(Ha, ha, ha.—Ed.)

RE-BUTT-LE!

This is in reply to a letter in your mail section of January '84. That letter from Larry and Friends about how he is in love with Duran Duran—I don't think people want to hear about this guy's fantasy toward a male rock group. I think, and so do many other people, that he should keep those feelings to himself. We aren't "horny little girls" just because we say we love them. When we say that, it just shows what great fans we are. This is to Larry and Friends: I hope you're reading this because all of us Duran Duran fans want to tell you to keep your fantasies and comments about DD and other male groups to YOURSELVES!

Angry Fan Linda

Arlington, VA

INCREDIBLE SHRINKING BOWIE

Have you noticed that David Bowie's clothes get bigger and baggier every day?

Mrs. G. O'Dowd

Location Withheld

EVAPORATED MILK EXPOSED!

My hands smell like weenies. A loaf of milk and a gallon of bread. GOBBLE, GOBBLE. 98/97. I don't know. Where is Freddy and Dalero? JAGGER RULES! I'm straddlin' a stallion made of chrome and steel. Maybe somebody's living in the car. Do you want mustard or mayonnaise? Larry the MOON. Oh yeah, 1 finished the love potion that will lure David Lee Roth to my bedside. EAT! Shut up! Chuck E. Cheese. DIGDIGDIG. She buys her laundry detergent from a cop's wife. Mr. Squier, don't call so late at night, Pee Wee is getting suspicious. Is Brandy pregnant again? Hand me the tray. I don't know. The ozone layer is completely gone, contaminated through to the fourth degree. What is evaporated milk? CREEM. Yeah, CREEM magazine.

Nikki Land & K.C. Richards

Fort Worth, TX

(The very thought that there exists in our Mail section a sub-genre of Eeka-Eaka (Boom Boom) letters is truly staggering. — Ed.)

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

I'm really sick of hearing Canadians always saying that they're not stupid. Only stupid people repeat things constantly!

Driver & Billy

Elizabeth, NJ

LOU REED'S GHOST?

Q. What is green and flies over Berlin?

A. Snotzies!

Lara Frantz, Agent 008

Findlay, OH

MORE HAIRY OPINIONS You know, I just want to' say that I agree totally with John (BOY!) Mendelssohn on the subject of hair. Really, when I walk around The Village, all I see are these pseudo-punks with their poseur hair And it really makes me sick; everyone looks so ugly—girls with the sides of their heads shaved, boys with bristly pink locks—why anyone would purposely want to look either ridiculous or ugly is beyond me. Boy! Things like this really wet me noodle.

George O'D

New York, NY

HIS EARS SMELL, TOO

Does Eddie Van Halen have a perpetual odor on the back of his neck from constantly being photographed with Val atop his shoulders?

Buxom Sheena

Brookneal, VA

(How buxom —Ed?)

LAST LIST EVER1

10 guys and groups whose hair styles are too gross for words:

1. Meatloaf (puker for sure)

2. Ozzy Osbourne (what hair?)

3. David Lee Roth (doesn't he know how to use a comb?)

4. Keith Richards (face it, he's a scum)

5. Boy George (makes him look chubbier)

6. Dexy's Midnight Runners (a hair wash is always nice)

7. The Clash (gag)

8. The Ramones (I like to see faces)

9. J. Kordosh (probably still wears a ducktail)

10. Rod Stewart (looks like he fought with the weed-eater, and lost!)

Tiger Tiger

Fort Wayne, IN

UPSTROKES VS. DOWNSTROKES CONTROVERSY, AGAIN?

OK, you screwed up again! I can't really com-

plain about the choice of Jeffrey Morgan to review Flick Of The Switch because he was able to contribute some interesting points in his review, which has been a rare feat in CREEM lately. The fact that he can recognize "In My Time Of Dying" alone shows he knows something (but Jeff, forget Ted Nugent, okay?). However, as a guitar player, I take offense at his remark that "all 10 tracks on the album end on the same note, played in the exact manner." It is a matter of opinion as to whether they are played in the "exact same manner" (I'm not about to start the old "upstrokes vs. downstrokes" controversy again), but for your information, Mr. Morgan, the ending CHORDS (a song would be boring that ended on one note) on the album are as follows:

"Rising Power": B; "This House Is On Fire": G; "Flick Of The Switch": A; "Nervous Shakedown": E; "Landslide": A; "Guns For Hire": E; "Deep In The Hole": E; "Bedlam In Belgium : A; Badlands : G; and "Brain Shake : A.

By the way, Mr. Morgan, since such things seem important to you, "This House Is On Fire" contains what I believe is the first appearance of an "F" chord on an AC/DC album.

So in the future either stick to the cute comments on how albums sound, or what they "mean" in the psychohistoric scheme of the galaxy, or get an expert's opinion on the content of music before you spout off.

B.E. Ears

Holy Hell, SC

CHICKIE BACKLASH HITS DEEP SOUTH

I am now starting the first, last, and only Chickie Scott Bobrowich Anti-Fan Club. Let it be known that whosoever should enter this club will receive: 1) Anti-Newsletter six times a year (tells where Chickie has been most recently sighted and weapons report); 2) Chickie's address (yes, 1 know where you are, Chickie); 3) "I Hate Chickie" badge; 4) "I Hate Chickie" bumpersticker; 5) Membership card; 6) A Cabbage Patch Doll.

"What a deal," you say, "how can I enter?" Simply send your record collection, first born child, and $55.96 to me. Join now before the St. Patrick's Day rush.

Send to:

The Goodbye Girl

Separate Beds, AK

CREEM WRITTEN BY BATS?

Why do you insist to pick on Ozzy? Get to know him—he's a great person!

Kris Simkins

Clarksburg, MD

CONSERVE YOUR PUNCTUATION!

I just want to compliment your magazine on the great job on its publication and all the great pictures it shows on the singers but there is one article in the magazine I don't really like and that section is the letters you get from the magazine readers and I think it's really a shame that teenagers don't have respect for the music they listen to and be happy with what they listen to and see everytime I read the letters your magazine receives from the readers there is somebody insulting a singer and who hates who and writing awful things about singers they're only human you know meaning the singers don't these teenagers ever stop to think they are writing about real people who could be insulted maybe it's their own opinion of liking but they should think before writing something like that 1 don't care what kind of music I listen to if it's from hard rock to opera or how they look ugly or pretty faced all the singers you see in the magazine are all great and best of bands you hear and the kids should be thankful to the magazine that they read about singers and their bands and thank you for taking time to read my letter.

From a person who likes all kinds of music

and singers

No Address

P.S. Singers are only human you know.

P.P.S. I know you won't publish my letter, but thanks for reading it anyway.

LUBE ROOM CONNECTION

I'm a born-again Christian. No! Wait! Don't throw this away! I promise it's not about playing my records backwards or Ozzy "oh my God get the crosses and garlic" Osbourne. It's an Elmo update! Yes friends, that's right, just when you thought we had buried that sucker for good...

Anyway, Elmo is alive and well and operating a Southern-style restaurant here in South Texas: Elmo's Roadhouse Inn & Lube Bar.

Now, the only real Elmo question is:

1. What is a lube room bar?

"White" Mickey

Corpus Christi, TX

Who is Elmo? Really, I'm not joking. It couldn't be the kid who played drums for the Partridge Family—could it?

Richi Notarianni

New York, NY (Nope. — Ed.)

WAKE UP MAGGIE, I THINK I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU

Some people grow up in abject poverty, wondering where their next bite of food is coming from. Some people are brought up in wealth, and spend their time in a mania wondering how

they can acquire more. Other people abhor material possessions and search only for spiritual fulfillment and they wonder which path will lead them to this end.

Myself, I'm not poor and hungry or rich and greedy. I have plenty to eat, enough money to get by and I don't need much more. I'm not in need of spiritual fulfillment. I have plenty of TV shows to watch and rock records to listen to. It keeps me busy, you know.

Yeah, I'm quite content with my life, but there are still a couple of questions that I need answers to. Questions I wouldn't expect a good answer to from my advisors or the editor of the New York Times. Only the editors of my **\ rock magazine can answer these questions honestly and intelligently. So without any more self-indulgent baloney on my part here are The Questions:

1) Why does the TV Guide run its program listings from Saturday to Friday as opposed to

Sunday to Saturday like my newspaper TV guide?

2) When will all these non-musical, all fashion model fools such as Vulture Rub, Dwan-Dwan, Flock Of Silly Haircuts, etc., get off the radio and make way for real rock 'n' roll like X, GBH, Y&T, Black Flag, Motorhead, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Ramones, etc.

Margaret Thatcher London, England

THOSE WHO CANT, TEACHI Recently, my teacher stole my Rock-Shots magazine, and when she read it, here's what she had to say: "This is a disgusting piece of trash that is not suitable for your age and has nothing to do with the educational process, therefore you shall remove it from this school and never bring anything like it on the premises again." I had to go to the principal's office just to get it back, including a 30-minute lecture. Your magazine means a lot to me. So you better print this. Paula, Jett & Bowie fan Oklahoma

DO YOU REALIZE WE DONT CARE?

Do you realize, the moment you publish this letter, my brand new $6500 word processor becomes a tax deduction?

Fuelieheads Anahurst

Guttersnipe City

WE GAVE AT THE OFFICE You are contributing to the delinquency of the youth of America and the youth of Canada by publishing letters that say "Print my letter, damn it!" or "If you print my letter I can say on my college applications that my writing has been published." You are spoiling these people. Can't you see that these spoiled jerks are taking unfair advantage of you? These letters have no literary merit, just pushiness. I bet half these people don't even buy CREEM.

Anne Leighton

YWCA-White Plains, NY

(VJe bet the other half don't either!—Ed.)

GET SICK CARD

Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! You sick guys are really sick! In you're Dec. '83 issue, you sick people said Ozzy was a proud poppa who better watch what he eats. Sick, sick, sick, sick! Leave the guy alone or else! This is a sick threat from a sick person! Ozzy's great! You people make me sick, sick, sick! Think of something to do besides being sick, sick, sick!

David's Girl

Sick Town, USA

(What do you mean, "besides"?—Ed.)

SELF-EXPLANATORY CLASH COMMENT

Well, there goes the Clash.

Paulene Von Roache

San Diego, CA

REACH OUT & TOUCH SOMETHING!

Sure, Duran Duran are big. Sure they're video studs for our time. But 'til they've been seen with Bebe Buell—can you really call them stars?

Shellie Rooney

Houston, TX

WHAT DID BRITT EKLUND EVER DO TO...AW, NEVER MIND!

People we want to die uery violently and uery soon: Dale Bozzio, Tracey Taylor (Andy's wife), Britt Eklund, Frances (Sting's ex), Trudie (Sting's "friend"), Angela (Bowie's ex), Joanne Catherall (Phil Oakey's girlfriend), Jay Ling, Carol (Adam Ant's ex), Marco (Adam's old girl...er, boyfriend), and Elmo.

TURN TO PAGE 61

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 12

Ladies Of The New Church

Marina Del Rey, CA

TAIL COVERS EXPLAINED!

For your info, a "fail cover" is a piece of leather you put over your lower parts to protect from mosquitoes at a natives-only jungle.

Restless Annie

Puerto Rico

REVENGE OF ANN LANDERS Dear Abby,

I don't know where to turn so I am turning to you, Abby. You see, Abby, I think my hubby, Billy, is a homosexual. It all started when one night I.. .hey.. .you're not Dear Abby! What are you trying to pull? And to think I almost told you how...oh...it's too dreadful to contemplate! 1 should have never left the Catholic Church. You fiends!

S. Reed

Tintinabulation, Ml ¶‡