MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMRNTS

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

BUT WHAT A BATTING AVG.!

How ignorant can a body become without trying? I am referring to the person (I use the term loosely) who threw a piece of wood onstage at Def Leppard's concert in Providence. The result of which was an injury to Joe Elliott. Lep was there to entertain, not to take their lives in their hands.

Why would anyone do such an asinine thing? Don't some people realize that the band is there for them? Lep didn't have to play Providence, they played for the fans. Why should they be repaid by having things tossed at them?

Lep—thanks for coming back on after that occurence. You would have been justified in leaving but you didn't. Joe, 1 hope someday you can return the favor to that bastard.

Darlene Morris Worcester, MA

(And we all thought they played Providence for a paycheck! Silly us!—Ed.)

BRAINS REQUIRED I have been excited ever since I went to see Iron Maiden in concert in Nashville and thought 1 would be relieved of some of my frustration if I wrote and told you about it. Iron Maiden, Saxon and Fastway are all three super-dynamic Heavy Metal bands and proved this to be true on that magical night in Nashville!

You should have seen Eddie when he made his appearance with Iron Maiden and Bruce proceeded to knock his block off. Eddie's brains fell out onto the stage floor and Bruce proved triumphant as he held the brain up high for everyone to see. Don't you just love happy endings? Tink Cooper Murfreesboro, TN

IRON MAIDEN, HORSE POO LINKED I just got a few things to say to the mounted police at the Iron Maiden concert at Nassau Coliseum who left horse poo right outside the exit doors: you guys are idiots!

You knew damn well if we were adults instead of heavy metal teenagers you would've picked up the mess (actually, 1 would've preferred if ya ate it!). You better watch your step 'cause we're the future generation. We'll take over this country, and bring scum-brains like you to your knees! Try it again and (as Bruce says) we'll saw your heads off!

Charlotte Long Island, NY

COW LUV PLEA

I like Angus. Angus is my friend. Angus is not a runt. I like Angus. Malcolm is just as short as Angus. 1 like Angus. I have a poster of Angus on my wall. I like Angus. Angus is my friend. Angus is three and a half inches shorter than me. So is Malcolm. I like Angus. I have a picture of Angus in my wallet. Angus is not a runt. I like Angus. 1 believe Angus is fine. I like Angus. I have 15 pictures of Angus in my scrapbook. I like Angus. Angus has a handsome face. I like Angus. Angus Young's only friend in America, "Trashcan" Tyler

P.S. Can I have the shoe Angus was wearing when he kicked my friend Dave?

P.P.S. Dave no longer likes Angus. I like Angus. Angus is not a runt. Angus is my friend. I like Angus...(etc.)

IT'S ALL OVER NOW, BABY ELMO Elmo is Oscar Madison's dentist who wanted to make glue out of barnacles.

Lia

Ranger-land, NY

DESTROY ALL BLIMPS Please send any info on the I Hate Air Supply Club. There has to be one ©ut there somewhere! Mark Fontaine Norwich, CT

EAT THE BITTER TATTOO Do any of the Stray Cats eat Purina Cat Chow and do the "chow, chow, chow"?

Ms. Prissy Chicago, IL (Yes.-Ed.)

MAKE ME HAPPY!

I would like to complain. I've read a lot of letters in your mag. And not yet have I seen one from LA (Louisiana). I know LA isn't a very popular state, but we do get CREEM. And there's got to be at least one person, besides me, who writes to you. Am I right? And, if I'm wrong, could you please print this one just to make me happy? Shanna Gerkin Gretna, (state withheld)

MAKE ME LAUGH!

About your magazine, is it supposed to be that way, or can I laugh?

Jade

New York, NY

MAKE ME BE!

I just wanted to see if I could get a letter into CREEM. If I did, hi Mom! If I didn't, oh well, life goes on.

John Floyd Memphis, TN

NUCLEAR FRIEZE

Whoever thought of Boy Howdy and what the hell does it mean, "always say Boy Howdy"? I've been thinking about it for a long time and then I finally thought I would have the answer when I was reading your letters in the Sept, issue. Then the Ed. goes and screws around and doesn't tell us crazy CREEM readers what the hell it means. Well, in the next CREEM, I will expect the answer or in my next letter, I will include a 15 megaton nuclear warhead!

The CREEM Kid From Ojai!

IMPLIED TRINITY

Who the hell is Andy Warhol?

Tom Ralpharo Kansas!

F.S. Is Lou Reed rea/ly a...uh, you know. Huh? Bowie?

(Ask Lou's wife. As for Bowie, ask Stevie Rail Vaughan!—Ed.)

ALL MY SLIME

Catch this—Ozzy is Donna (All My Children) Cortlandt's son.

Theresa Mucha Hinsdale, IL

DOOTZ ME, YOU FOOL!

I live across the street from The Dootz! I'm serious!

King Moose Suburban Wilderness

REVENGE OF THE UNPOPULAR STATE

Hey!

I bet ya don't know! Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? Huh huh do ya? I figured ya didn't!

Frik and Frak New Orleans, LA

P.S. If you print this, we will never write you again! I bet ya don't know why! Huh huh do ya? Do ya huh? I'll tell you why! 'Cause we'll just die!

SEEDS OF MANGE I HATE CRITICS! They're so in love with their own minds! If we must have the "services" of critics,then such should be informative and helpful, not merely a showcase for their own sarcastic witticism, as was the case with J. Kordosh in his review of Kerry Livgran's Seeds Of Change.

His Right Honorable Sir Kordosh was so obsessed with his own "sparkling" diatribe and ridiculous assessment of Livgren's writing style that he forgot to tell us what the book was about! If his I.Q. is so limited, his interest or notice of anything deeper in the book, I rest my case. [Huh?—Ed.]

Critics get paid to say what any five year old can say: what he does or doesn't like. As for the professionals, they don't seem to realize that criticism can be positive as well as negative. But they pan EVERYTHING! Their sensory world must be miserable, as Mr. Kordosh must know from experience.

T. Johnson St. Louis, MO

PREMARITAL CUCUMBER Pickles, pickles, who took the pickles? I never leave home without my pickles. Pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles...aw, hell, never mind. I'm just a stickler for a pickle. Tee-hee-hee.

Leroy Costello Nowhere Near

P.S. Ya know that guy in Flock Of Seagulls with the wankery glasses? That's right. Pickles, pickles...

KINDA KHIRO PRACTIC This is what I think of the Kinks: a kink in the neck, a kink in the back, a kink in the arm, etc. Heather Quick (Yes, Quick as in fast)

Bedford, TX

NEW WAVE REEKS!

Bang his head, bang his head, it ain't no use he's already dead, with what little brains he had, he treasured new wave, ain't it sad, it killed him, Duran Duran, U2 too, it is all so dumb he never knew, it would bore him to death, 'cause we all know the new new wave reeks and sucks, the old one was pitiful, the new one won't last, that's for sure, they're headlining the toilet tonight, too many wimps don't have to worry about any fights, 'cause all new wavers are wimps.

Bang his head bang his head, oh my God he's no longer dead, he hears Ozzy and the Priest, he's transformed himself into a heavy metal beast, technopop that was a laugh, now he's studded in leather kicking ass, he banged his head, he banged his head, now he has risen from the dead.

Metalhead Hernandez

Tucson, AZ

DELI FILLIES

My best friend and I want to become Joe "Deli" Russo's official groupies. We have been fans of his for two months now. We have no posters of him and no concert shirts but we still love him. We watch MTV all day just to see him, but he never comes on! We buy your stoopid magazine just to see his name in print. If Joe's reading this: We love you!

Lost In My Room

Rio & Rio

Whocares

SOME CHOICE!

Hi. I'm a very lonely person who had the choice of either writing a letter to CREEM or watching a moth climb the drapes.

Port Jennifer

Planet of the Girls On Film

LISTLESS TO INHERIT EARTH!

Here's a list of the 10 "Best" compiled by the votes of 20 girls aged 16 to 19 in New Haven, CT. We hope you like it.

Best Body

1. Simon LeBon

2. Roger Daltrey

3. Warren Cuccarillo (Missing Persons)

4. Carl Palmer

5. Roger Taylor

6. Sting

7. Steven Bladd (J. Geils)

8. Alan Hunter

9. Greg Ham

10. Lindsey Buckingham Best Buns

1. Dave Davies

2. Michael Sadler (Saga)

3. Sting

4. Alex Smith (Moving Pictures)

5. Simon LeBon

6. Stan Lynch (Tom Petty)

7. Ray Davies

8. Neil Geraldo

9. Mickey Thomas 10. David Lee Roth In CREEM taste,

Evelyn Mulligan Hamden, CT

TITULAR HEAD

CREEM should expand their magazine into songs and/or TV shows. Here are some titles for your new look: "Hit Me With Your Best CREEM", "She Works Hard For The CREEM", "A CREEM To Hold On To", "Straight From The CREEM", "Stop Draggin' My CREEM Around", "CREEM (What A Feeling)", "CREEM Down Sally", or "Devil with the new CREEM, new CREEM on, devil with the new CREEM on".

If you're not into the songs, then I think you better start a television show starring Boy Howdy and The Ed. Here's a few names: One CREEM At A Time, Captain CREEMaroo, CREEM Is Enough, CREEM My Children, The CREEM Guy, CREEM Street Blues, or Too Close To CREEM.

A CREEM Thinker Rochester, NY

(How about a new version of White Shadow starring CREEM Abdul-Jabar!—Ed.)

JOAN'S BONES

Joan Jett wouldn't, by any chance, be related to Yvonne DeCarlo, would she? I noticed a VERY strong resemblance after seeing Joan's "French Song" video. If she ever decides to dye a lock of her hair white, she'd fit right into the Munster clan. You never know, they might decide to update the Munster family's history (they did it to the Cleavers!)

Precious

St. Louis, MO

P.S. T-Rex lives!

(That's funny —we always thought she resembled Grandpa!—Ed.)

CLASSIC REPULSKI This letter is for whoever wrote the letter concerning us Heavy Metallers:

Listen jerk, our so-called "repulsive rudeness" has been around for a lot longer than any of the crap you think is music, and is going to stay around as long as I am living.

Meagan Martinez, GA

THE READER IS ALWAYS RIGHT In the two years I've been reading this magazine AND paying your lowly staff's salary [Whoopee. —Ed.], I have but one complaint. Not enough metal.

Yeah, I got long hair, I wear black T-shirts, jeans and a motorcycle jacket, and yes, I'm stupid. Crankin' Chris Rivethead Riverside, CA

P.S. Scorpions kick Hitler's decomposed ass!

TYPESETTERS MUST DIE!

Hi mom! Hi Wes (her boyfriend)! Hi Ken (my brother)! Hi Tim (Ken's best friend)! Hi Misty (my dog)! Hi Sandy (my best friend)! Hi Larry (Sandy's boyfriend)! Hi Shelby (Sandy's mom)! Hi Travis (Sandy's dad)! Hi Pam (Sandy's sis)! Hi Dale (Pam's fiance)! Hi Stella (Sandy's, well, Pam's dog)! Hi Corky (Larry's dog)! Hi Grandma! Hi Grandpa! Hi Aunt Teri, Uncle Andy, Aunt Mary, Uncle Steven! Hi Suzie (Sandy's neighbor)! Hi Don (Suzie's hubby)! Hi Jim (a friend)! Hi Brad! Hi Mike C. (Larry's best friend)! Hi Chrystal (Sandy's sis-in-law)! Hi John (Sandy's brother)! Hi Michael and Devyn (Sandy's nephew and niece)! Hi Annette (another friend)! Hi San Gorgonia High School! We're number one! Hi Chris (another friend)! Hi Dillinger (Suzie's dog)! Hi Mike (in Big Bear—Annette's love)! Hi Fred (ummmmmmm—we won't talk about that)! Hi Curt Dousett (you don't exactly know me, but...)! Hi Harry (my pet tarantula)! Hi Charlie (yeah, well)! Hi Doug (ditto)! Hi Bucky! Hi Dan (Tim's brother)! Oh—Tim's Ken's best friend and Ken's my brother! Hi John and Anthony (from sixth period Drama)! Hi Ed(?????)!

Thank you for letting me use up your precious space! I'll never do it again!

A Very Bored Person in San Bernadino, CA P.S. Bye everyone!

(Thought you'd NEVER leave!—Ed.)

DEAR ED: ONE MORE LETTER LIKE THAT ONE AND YOU GET TO LEARN TO USE THE COMPUTER.-ART.

IGNORE ALIEN ORDERS!

Here are the seven rules I and other members of my organization, Maniacs In Bondage, have vowed to live by:

1. Respect no one.

2. Destroy authority.

3. Know your rights.

4. Ignore alien orders.

5. Seek and destroy.

6. Die like the rest.

7. Go straight to Hell.

Our cause is to completely rebel against any known form of authority and make the world a better place to live in.

Heather Gould

MIB Headquarters, USA

P.S. We also want red, blue, grey, and black M&Ms.

MAIL APPENDAGE

I really liked the September issue, featuring Def Leppard Rocks America. I also like your magazine's name, Circus. I really enjoy reading it. I think no magazine can better it. Do you? DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M SPEAKING TO YOU! I would like you to print this in your mag. What's that? This isn't Circus? This is CREEM? Why are you stealing Circus's mail? Rude. Rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude rude.

Glen Forsyth

Alta Loma, CA

DISPOSABLE OPINION

Oh God, I just turned on the TV and you would think that I could sit down and relax with a good sex/violence filled movie, but instead I get the stupid commercial about disposable douches, the one with the daughter and mother who are gardening and the daughter goes "Mom, I have to talk to you about douches," and her mother goes, "Yes, I know what you mean, I use Spring Fresh Disposable Douches," and she actually pulls one out from nowhere!

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11

I mean, does she have one handy everywhere? Behind the couch? Under her pillow? In her purse? I mean, this commercial really is just too stupid for my intelligence!

I mean, you do know what I mean, right? Yes, there is something you should know Middletown, PA

MUSIC FOR THE FAT Pink Floyd has excellent tunes, especially when you're depressed and you want to feel sorry for yourself without feeling guilty. Like, some of us out here don't party all the time because we're fat and therefore outcast by society. Pink Floyd tells me that I can have feelings too.

Lonely Unicorn in Moose Country Moncton, N.B., Canada

EMU UPDATE

An emu is a bird between five and six feet tall. They have thick feathers. They can't fly, but they sure can run fast. They are the only good things that come from Australia. I would be a good mother of an emu. Australia once declared war on all emus.

Mel "Emu" Brant Somewhere In America P.S. What is funnier than an emu slipping in oil? An emu slipping in oil wearing diapers!

AMAZING FACT

Did you know that if you put a can of deodorant on top of your speaker and play "Karn Evil 9" rea//y loud, the deodorant will fall off?

Olivia, Robin, and Monica Los Angeles, CA