LOVERBOY: BECAUSE THEY’RE THERE

Part 1: Testing

"Test. test. test...testing 1-2-3-4-test... testes, testes ...hog bolls!"

We're at the CREEM office on a typical afternoon, performing sophisticated tests on the little, teeny tape recorder of possible Sears derivation that we'll be needing to capture every syllable of today's interviewee, Paul Dean of Loverboy. Turns out the little machine is good for capturing lotsa stuff, like every sound In the room magnified to carbomb proportions. "OK, Paul," sneers the emboldened Cubthroat, "this letter comes from Kansas City. It says, 'Loverboy's material sounds fresher every time I hear it.' What d'ya think?"

What you mean "we," kemosabe? Well, you know, we being us: Editorial Assistant Kim Green (since deposed)—the brains of the operation—and overaged Cub Reporter Rick J.

While it's true that this particular Cub Reporter has been "around" awhile, he's been off the interview beat longer than many young crydicks have been on anything, except drugs.

Seems the ol' boy had a couple...bad experiences interviewing victims in the past. How bad? Well, there was the infamous Cowpoke Mascara Massacree with ZZ Top, for one. This was way back in the days of the glam-rock fad, you remember, when all your favorite groups were trying to out-gaystereotype each other.

As the talk got around to the dreaded but inevitable Image Questions, Cubby kept asking the by-then-annoyed-beyondamusement Dusty Hill why he didn't wear eye shadow and frilly underpants onstage.

It was just supposed to be a goddam examJ pie, but Dusty started turning purple all over J (presumably) until finally, he jumped up on § his hotel bed and hollered, "If we wore any " of that shit.back home, we'd get FUCKIN' KILLED!" Hey Yogi, wait for meeeeee!

Then there Was the now-standardized Phoner Wjth Geddy Lee, during which the much-maligned Rush bassist saved the extremely drunk Cub's butt by giving him the poop on their 2112 album months before it was released. Ya know, We make fun of the guy every other page here (with that nose...aw, never mind) but here he was, nice enough to sit still through several Severe Beer Pee breaks and even patiently spell stuff out. for the dupe with no taper. We will not discuss the hangover.

Or how about the even-druhker little talk with the Sweet ("C'mon, Brian—hid— howcum all dem little gurls wanna cop yer wieners?"). Or the Cubboid's own personal favorite, file trip to colorful Seymour, Indiana to see Johnny Cougar? The crack journalist combined too many writer'shelpers and wound tip passed-out bn the floor of his Holiday Inn room, missing the interview, the show, and the official meeting of Coug's parents. To this day, all he remembers is that it was the year Bill Madlock stole the NL batting title from Ken Griffey oh the last day of the season, a bigger disgrace than even the recent Reek For Possum Queen smear campaign.

So anyhoo, here we are, years later, and Cubbis is more terrified than ever. Worse yet, he's since quit drinking and other nervousness cures make him either too stupid or scared worse!

'Course, this time he's cajoled/threatened/intimidated Kim, who used to have her own TV show Where she routinely interviewed celebs almost daily. But little does Cubbo know that in her past, she shares a DEEP DARK THROBBING SECRET with the band. More on that later.

Part 2: First Grimace

As Ace and Cub wander into the hotel, they're met by Marlene P., of Loverboy P.R., who's mucho nice but admits early on to being a Canuck herself. As she leads us into the hotel restaurant to meet Paul, Cubaroo's antennae begin to peep. Something about the way she talks, or else he's got his undies on backwards again.

"We don't want to be known as the Osmonds of Heavy Metal." —Paul Dean

Paul himself looks a lot like his pictures: tall and lean, healthy, and rather athleticlooking. Got quite a jawbone—you could say he has a lantern jaw, if only lanterns had...aw, never mind.

It's not a big, fancy restaurant we're parked in, but it's not exactly a dump. Only a handful of tables are occupied, mostly by soft-spoken business types who are undoubtedly buying and selling us 10 times over before the Tab even arrives.

Cubbub—who's making the Tab nervous by this point—starts to "set up" as kool, kool Kim makes casual chatter with Paul and Marlene. After dropping the cassette only four times (a new Cub record), he gets his machine ready and glances around at businessmen and ferns, avoiding all eye contact, except with the plants. Some things never change.

"All set?" asks Paul. What a cool guy!

"R-ready, I think/' croaks Cubly, pressing a button on the taper.

"HOG BALLS!" hollers a recorded voice loud enough to rattle the silverware in the kitchen.

Great start. Kim finds this slightly hilarious, but the mortified Cubbit needs something to cover up his blunder pronto.

"How about The Letter?" she asks calmly.

"Right, The Letter!" Gimme a ticket to an air-o-plane...

The Letter is a short, nasty note from a reader in Minot, North Dakota, that Cubmo thought would get things rolling.

Mike Reno of Loverboy is the most conceited fag I have ever met...it begins.

Bad idea. Dean grimaces and glares across the table accusingly at Marlene.

"Doncha think this is kinda funny?" sputters Cubbinski. "Doncha wanna show it to Mike? I thought you'd crack up! Does it aggravate you sorta?"

"I guess the brighter the light, the better the target," replies Paul ominously.

Part 3: Time Warp

Much later, as Cubbity tries to write up the interview, he has a sudden, brilliant realization.

This is boring, he thinks. What the hell am I gonna do with this? Being a cub and a moron besides, he tries the time-spit-on Q and A approach.

Rick: Reno doesn't strike you as that kinda guy.

Paul: No, he doesn't.

Marlene: No.

Kim: Uh-uh.

Paul: He was just totally bummedout for months, you know what I mean?

Rick: Oh yeah.

Kim: Yeah.

Marlene: Like you wanna call home but there's nobody there.

Kim: Yeah.

Paul: Yeah.

Rick: Uh-huh.

So much for the Q and A approach.

Part 4: The Story (First Version)

OK, back to the "present."

After a few more minutes of blundering through questions about Fans Around The World, Cubaroo has warmed up to the point where he wants to get snotty (again).

"Did you by any chance catch PM Magazine last night?" he asks Paul.

"Uh, no." (PM what? he's thinking)

And so it came to pass that the Cubbesque One relates the following story: "There was this Canadian kid, see, who lost an arm and a leg in a farm machine. Only reason he didn't bleed to death right away was the arteries were mangled shut. So the poor kid somehow crawls onto the tractor, drives it to the house, crawls into his pickup and drives three miles to the hospital. OK? Later, they ask the kid, 'How'd you do it?' and he says, 'I didn't want my mom and dad to come home and find me that way.' Then the nurse next to him goes, 'That's what the Canadian Spirit is all about!' "

Silence. More grimaces.

"Is this true?" asks Paul.

"Oh yeah," Cubba-hubba assures. "Is this, indeed, the Canadian Spirit?" Indeed—what a cool guy!

"Sounds like the Australian Spirit," he mutters. "Or the Chilean Spirit...I dunno, I can't put a finger on a Canadian spirit anymore than I can...it's like say, 'Are you proud to be a Canadian?' Well, no, not particularly. What's that got to do with anything?"

Paul Dean hates his homeland! You read it here first!

Part 5: Shot By Both Sides

Maybe we should examine this Canadian issue more thoroughly.

Why do you think Canadians get typecast as dumbos?

"Haw, haw—they do?" laughs Mr. Dean. "I'm sure the Bob and Doug thing has a lot to do with it. It's the only reference I can think of that's blatantly Canadian that's dumb and humorous."

"Yeah, I always got teased in school, just because I'm part-Canadian!" adds Kim. PartCanadian? Now she tells me! It means Cubadub is sitting there with three actual Canucks! Well, that explains why all three of 'em missed the point of The Story. The point being not that the kid actually demonstrated a lot of spirit and gumption and all that. The point is, the kid went through all that pain and misery just to spare his parents the gruesome untidiness of it all, not to save his own crummy life. Now, that's the Canadian Spirit.

"I hate Metal to listen to, but! love to play it."

-Paul Dean

This leads into dangerous territory.

Paul: "Your mag is the king of putdowns. You're always making snide remarks and I think it's funny. You always see people writing in and saying, 'Howcum yer always pickin' on us?' I just laugh. You guys at CREEM ain't exactly polite."

Cubface (disbelieving): "Not polite?"

"No," emits PD. "You're very opinionated. You're bound to get mad reactions and that's what you're looking for, basically. It's not a factual thing like 'Loverboy played in town tonight and everybody had a good time and now they're going to Chicago.' "

Loverboy played in town tonight, the Cubcake wrote later, and everybody had a good time...

Part 6: The Story (Second Version)

What's kinda funny (now), is that Cubbarooni caught the same PM Magazine segment again after the interview on an out-oftown station. Turns out the whole thing took place in Ohio, and the nurse said Buckeye Spirit, not Canadian.

Part 7: Paul Confesses

When it comes to listening preferences, musicians have the most hopelessly banal tastes of all. You ask your typical Limeyflash-superstar-guitar-player what he actually likes, and nine times out often, it'll be Lonnie Donnegan.

So what does Paul Dean like?

"Well, when I put on Billy Squier's Don't Say No, I thought, 'Every song's a monster! It's great! This album is huge!' Foreigner 4 was another one..."

See?

Asks Kim, what does he think of synthpop?

"I like it, I really do. I wouldn't want to get stuck performing it, 'cause I'm a guitar player and I like to play Heavy Metal, Loud, Distorted, Overdriven Noise!

"[Synth-pop] is the kinda music I'd buy to listen to myself. I don't really listen to Heavy Metal. I hate Metal to listen to, but I love to play it."

Paul Dean hates Heavy Metal! You read it here first! But shee-it, then he has to go and qualify it:

"There are some Heavy Metal bands I like. Def Leppard, they have melodies and production. AC/DC—actually, I wrote 'Teenage Overdose' after listening to both sides of Highway To Hell...

"Joan Jett I like in a really kinky kinda way, but I'm not sure what her appeal is. Her punk appeal, her curled lip appeal, I think. I don't find her sexy but she really strikes that punk chord in me."

Part 8: Dirty Trick

"Marshall, your material sounds fresher every time I hear it."

—Teacher Rob to obnoxious student on

Square Pegs.

TURN TO PAGE 57

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 26

"That's great!" replies Paul.

Part 9: Inevitable Image Questions

What kind of image do you think you've established?

"Long pause," says Dean, after a long pause. "That's a good 'un. Let's see—funlovin', clean-cut, hard working, honest, responsible, reliable."

The kinda guy you take home to Mom? asks Kim.

"Exactly. We're not too crazy about that image sometimes, because we don't want to be known as the Osmonds of Heavy Metal. I think a lot of people miss the darker side of the band. We want people to know we think about more than just girls and parties."

There's more? thinks His Cubness in genuine wonderment.

Kim then asks, "What's something about Loverboy that never comes up?"

Cubford thinks—never comes up? Haw, haw, haw...

Paul: "It's true that we're nice guys, but we're more than that. Some of us would like to be taken a little more seriously. We've been written off as just being nobodies. That's a little disturbing. Nice is better than not nice, but we're not just sops."

Part 10: The Story (Third Version)

What's really, really, really funny is that Cubfoot knew all along the kid wasn't from Canada. He only thought the poor guy was from Ohio. And there was no nurse!