MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

BORING, NORMAL, UNFUNNY LETTER

This is going to be one of those really boring, normal, unfunny letters that will probably never get printed but I’m writing it anyway because I'm bored stiff and there's nothing else to do. I just wanna say that I think you guys are cool! I mean, you make fun of everything! Just hope y’all don't lose that edge. There are already too many Trouser Press lookalikes, but CREEM is one of a kind!

Laura D.

Chantilly, VA

RICH IS BETTER

Can you be the biggest fan of a group if you have all their domestic albums, or do you have to have the imports too? This is very important, I need to know! I am not rich, but I am curious.

Big (?) Fan

Lame Beach, CA

(You can't be the biggest fan of a group until you kill them!—Ed.)

INSULTS 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS!

No, Lionel Richie didn’t write “Faithfully.” Jonathan Cain ripped the melody off of Bob Seger’s “I've Got Time.” Does this mean in 10 years we'll be hearing “I’m still yours, faithfully” sung by an even more unoriginal (if that’s possible) Journey to the same melody and “Even Now”? Also, check out he guitar chords on “Send Her My Love” and if they aren't identical to the ones on Seger's “Neon Sky,” I’ll eat my copy of Back In '72 for lunch. What next?! ”20 Years From Now” bastardized by Journey into “I’ll Still Love You Many Years Later”? I guess these asses have to rip off someone talented like Bob to write a normal, heterosexual love song. Too bad all the little 14-year-old girls don’t figure that out for themselves.

Rosalie The Midnight Rider

Under The Neon Sky, USA (Not to mention us toddlers!—Ed.)

PEELING OFF THE GUM

Help! I think I’m sinking ’cause I can no longer see the light. Then you stop to ask someone “What is this chick even talking about?” The light I’m speaking of is...the KITCHEN LIGHT. I can’t see it ’cause I just fell under the table.

Bye,

Kathleen Richard

Sacremento, CA

ON YOUR KNEES!

BEEEEEP! This is a test of the Emergency Letter Printing System. This is only a test. In the event that this was a real letter, it would be in the garbage by now.

Womp

a.k.a. Tom Sawyer

Mahwah, NJ

THREE FACES OF DURAN DURAN

Who the hell cares if Duran Duran’s music is good or not? They’re all so damn fine, nobody cares how they sound. We want to see their gorgeous bods! Especially Nick Rhodes! What a babe! He could take me to Rio any day!

Michelle Rhodes

Knoxville, IL

I gotta tell you a bit of bad news. CREEM has something in common with Duran Duran whether you like it or not. You’re both from a Birmingham. Slightly different countries, but still the same town.

I hope I ruined all you Duran Duran haters’ days

A Typical Duran Duran Fanatic

Glen Rock, NJ

I wrote to a thousand magazines asking the same question! Are any of the guys in Duran Duran gay? Please answer me, nobody else will. I have to know. If you don’t answer me, I’m gonna commit suicide.

Allegra Ashkenazi Deal, NJ (Bye/—Ed.)

UDDER GARBAGE Trashcans rule! Especially with cheese! Chandal Young Folsom, CA

READER CANCELS SELF OUT!

I wanted to tell you I am my biggest fan. I have three scrapbooks of myself, two T-shirts with me on them; a necklace with my name on it; bar-

rettes, pins, earrings, etc. with my name or initials; four posters of myself and hundreds of my own autograph.

Jenifer K. Le Bon Watsonville, CA

(Now you probably think you EXIST!—Ed.)

LEAVE US ALONE, NANCY I am a selfish bitch and I’m living in a fantasy world!

Helen from Canada (not even Toronto!)

DISLIKES WALLEYE Did you ever get the feeling that your posters are staring at you?

“All Eyes”

W.J.

Fullerton, CA

(What you mean, “feeling?”—Ed.)

DEF LEP-NICE?

Well, well, well...thank you so much for that NEW WAVE OF HEAVY METAL issue, with its feature on the only heavy metal/hard rock group that matters, Def Leppard. It just so happens I was lucky enough to get myself backstage to TWO of their concerts. Anyway, do you know what? They are 100 times better looking than in pictures! I could not believe how gorgeous they all were. Usually, people look worse in real life. Take Van Halen for example. But that’s a whole other story. Wanna know what else? They know how to PARTY! And Joe Elliott has the most incredible shoulders (amongst other things). And Rick Allen smells really nice...REALLY nice. But the thing that impressed me most about those English sweeties was that they were the nicest bunch of guys anybody would want to meet. No kidding. And anyone out there who ever gets the opportunity, don’t pass it up. They’re worth it. DEF LEPPARD RULES!!!!!!!!!

Still On Cloud 9 Newark, NJ

(Attention, small woodland creatures! If you missed CREEM’s NEW WAVE OF METAL Close-up, send $2.95 (plus $1.50 postage & handling) to us pronto! And feel privileged that you have to pay us to handle it!—Ed.)

AIR MAIL SPECIAL DELIVERY I want to say thanks for sharing your “genuine” letters about Def Leppard to us. I loved the centerfold poster and the interview with Joe and Rick in the NEW WAVE OF HEAVY METAL CloseUp.

I think Def Leppard is the best! All of the group is sooo good looking! They all seem like some of the nicest, most decent cool guys in rock.

Anyway, I heard you could write them at Polygram Records. Well, I know they’re on the road a lot and extremely busy. I would really like to write them, but could you tell me, truthfully, if there is any way they would ever get the letter themselves?

Michelle L. Biggio Norcross, GA

(Attach the letter to an arrow. Load arrow in crossbow. Then, it’s up to you! — Ed.)

LATE MAIL FROM TWYLO WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU. THIS IS YOUR ORGANIZATION. SEND US REPORTS OF YOUR EXPERIENCES. WE DON’T HAVE TO USE YOUR NAME IF YOU DO NOT WISH. MANY, MANY PEOPLE TELL US OF THEIR ENCOUNTERS ON THE SIDE, BUT ARE AFRAID TO GO PUBLIC. MANY, MANY OF YOU ARE HAVING VISITS BY EXTRATERRESTRIALS IN VARIOUS DIFFERENT WAYS. THIS IS NORMAL. SO LET OTHERS KNOW, SO THEY TOO, CAN BE ASSURED IT IS NOT ONLY HAPPENING TO THEM.

World Evacuation Committee Denver, CO

EEKA-EEKA (BOOM BOOM) T-H-E-N-I-C-E-N-O-T-E-B-O-O-K-S-, chitty chitty chit chat choo choo, oompa oompa, did you Kill Roy? (cough cough) “Hi Mom!” Yeeeees!, Eeka-Eaka boom boom. He’s a flag, Mr. Shapiro!, “Hi Jul,” cafadoria teer, door-pin a pin “I wanna be your mohawk.” Why do I tell stories?, (clap clap clap) BUG!, “Where are we going, cookies?”, oooOOO—the notebooks!!!

Michelle and Charlotte (the side of the mountain where Mick Jagger slept.)

INEVITABLE LIGHTBULB JOKE Q. How many punk-rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to change the bulb, the other to kick the chair out from under him.

A Child Of The Grave Caifornia, Uber Alles

CURVED NEUTERING AIR?

We better start as soon as possible on these things to beware of. OK, here we go:

1. Beware of riding down a load on your Holly guitar.

2. Beware of the dreaded killer grasserps.

3. Beware of David Bowie’s newest piece of contimidated warped vinyl—it has cow rites on it.

4. Beware of euckerfrost, high mucky-mucks, mutsucks, and curved neutering air.

5. Beware of Headbanger Hulio.

6. Beware of assinating mushrooms, Pepsi Free Sugar and fermenting wholes.

But be very, very, very, very, very, very beware of popping prunes laced with cucumber seeds (that were soaked in fungicide)!

We know very well you were hoping this was what it wasn’t.

Thewly Yours,

The Devil’s Children

Jackson, MI

Boy Howdy beer is not sold in my area, so enclosed is a check for an eternal supply. Please ship very cold to the designated address. Make mine CREEM!

Satan

Seventh Circle Od Hell

Center of Earth

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha ha. Just chuckling at your witty comebacks in the Mail section. Too many exclamation points, though. One in the wrong spot can make witty comebacks sound like this: “Surely Nell Wiggin had done nothing to arouse the suspicion of Mr. Queerwitz!” (from Carol Norton’s Bob’s A Girl Detective) And you wouldn’t want that.

The Thin Man

Charlotte, NC

P.S. Guitars killed my mother...

DREADLOCKS, BANANA PEELS LINKED!

What I wanna know is why a song by a dead Rastaman about black cavalrymen in the late 1800s (“Buffalo Soldier” by Bob Marley) fades out with a blatant cop from “The Banana Splits Theme Song”? Check it out—“Tra la la, la la la la/Ho yo yo, yo yo yo yo.” See?

And while we’re on the subject, was I the only one who thought that Lennon’s “John Sinclair” was a rewrite of the old Spiderman theme song? Is this what Lester Bangs once referred to as “Cosmic parallelism”? What is it with all these dead guys?

Frank Analysis Lidsville

{Hey —it’s BORING to be dead!—Ed.)

DEAR JOHN NED LETTER First of all, many thanks for your August cover of Ray Davies. It couldn’t have been better. Unfortunately, the article inside didn’t even half way match Robert Matheu’s photographic prowess.

Whatever provoked John Mendelssohn’s unwarranted attack on the Kinks probably deserves some consideration but not a full cover story spewing against the band and it’s newfound fans. Not that I can deny that many of the younger lot are ill-behaved brats—they are many of the same ones I’ve seen barfing in the row behind me at arena shows for the Police and Stray Cats, and passing out on club steps for the Ramones and Joe “King” Carrasco gigs. I had the privilege, though, of seeing the Kinks in both Houston and (much smaller) Austin only to find a world of difference between the two cities concertgoers. While my hometown crowd was its usual slothful self, Austinites were dozens of times more civilized as well as enthusiastic. A sad kommentary indeed though not so much for the Kinks as for big city concerts like those held in my Houston and your Los Angeles.

I too long for the days when the band played those few-thousand seaters (though being one of those terrible 20 year olds referred to in the article, I didn’t get many chances to see them at such places) but I wouldn’t hesitate a minute to commend the guys on their recent success—Lord knows they deserve it. But being a fan such as Mr. Mendelssohn says he is, I’ll be satisfied to go a little out of my way to enjoy a more intimate setting. Perhaps if the author would go to a little more trouble to find a more suitable venue, he’d find things aren’t half as bad as they appear to be from the perspective of our respective urban sprawls (the chance may arrive soon—they’re talking of doing a small-halls-only tour this fall). Maybe then he could continue to produce the sort of memorable prose he did on the liner notes to Kinks Kronikles.

Barbie Hatfield Houston, TX

P.S. Strangely enough, the most annoying people I ran into at their concert this year—who managed to drop a cigarette on my arm as well as slop beer and who knows what else all over the surrounding rows—were a group of 30 + dopers who apparently mistook the whole thing for a Grateful Dead jam. Also, belated congrats to Dave DiMartino for becoming “His Editorship.”

GOOD TASTE

This is my favorite magazine next to Playgirl. A DD Fan Sacramento, CA (Ours too!—Ed.)

DEPT. OF PUBLIC ACCURACY In regard to Nothing Better In N.J.’s letter, it was ZOOT, not ELMO, that played sax on The Muppet Show. I think that Elmo is a relative of Joe “Deli” Russo.

Former Muppet Fan Rosedale, NY

WARD OF THE STATE?

The biscuits are rancid/My shoes smell of fish/I’m not an iggloid/La la la/I have a desire to ruff up my cat/I’m not an iggloid/No, no, no/Not the Beaver again!

Cheekie Brownsville, TX

For the last time, it wasn’t a coffee cup that the Beav climbed into, it was a bowl of soup! That’s why the title of that episode was “In The Soup.” Joey Beretta Renton, WA

(Like anybody CARES!—Ed.)

ALPHABET STOOP Dead rock ’n’ roll stars with their first names beginning with the letter “J”: Jim Morrison, John Bonham, Janis Joplin, Jim Croce, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, James Honeyman-Scott and John Belushi (if you want to count his work with the Blues Bros.).

Just thought you might like to know.

Marcus Bezant New York, NY

(Next month: dead readers whose names begin with the letter “M”!—Ed.)

DELVING, DEVIATE DERVISH Ever since Boy George of Culture Club came into CREEM I’ve done a lot of catching up with him. I don’t care one little bit to what people have to say about him. Not enough has been written about Boy George, and things need to be said. I would like to know his birthdate, and in what part of the state he was born—in what hospital. His favorite foods. Who is his favorite music group? What’s his favorite book? Has he been in the service, if so, which one? Who is his favorite sex symbol? What kind of car does he drive?1 What’s his favorite ice cream? What’s his color of race? What were his favorite movies as a kid? And what’s his weight and height?

Janette Garcia National City, CA

(1) 73.7 FM; 2) Panhandle; 3) The Doll Hospital;

4) His favorite food IS his favorite music group;

5) Moby Dick; 6) Postal Service; 7) Chico, the misunderstood coyote; 8) Magic Chef; 9) Dawg Vomit; 10) Khaki; 11) Gorgo and Son Of Gorgo; 12) His weight and height are the same. —Ed.)

HONEST QUERY

Where does Dale Bozzio of Missing Persons buy her “see through” bras?

Carla (Penny’s Sister)

New Jersey

(At her nearby roadside see through bra stand, of course!—Ed.)

DUCKS ALWAYS NEWSWORTHY Malcolm McLaren is an egotistical idiot who believes every ethnic and racial stereotype he’s ever heard about.

Steve Merrill Lunenburg, VT

BRING BACK THE DRAFT!

I am filling out applications for college, and I was hoping that you could find it in your heart to print this letter. If you do, then I can say on my applications that a sample of my writing has been published. And hopefully they would.be impressed so much that they would have to accept me. Please print this—you, yes, YOU, are my last hope for being acepted into the college of my choice.

Nina Sayles Berkeley, CA

ISSUES FACING MODERN MAN What do you people at CREEM magazine think about Frozen Pudding Pops?

J.W.

Schererville, IN

(Frozen Pudding Pops are go!—Ed.)

HE’S UPSET

I’m upset. I’m demented. My liver is turning green and my toenails are falling off. Mmmmm, mighty good eatin’!

Leeann

Brownsville, TX

BAD TRANSLATION Please explain the statement, “We also think Adam Ant’s the bee’s knees.” If you do not explain this, it will show you do not know what it means.

Marcia Ginger Kansas City, Mo (It means bees pee honey!—Ed.)

LATEST PYRAMID SCHEME I am a Lebanese/Armenian heavy metal rocker now living in Cairo. For those of you who are soon moving to Cairo, buy all the tapes and other musical accessories you can find now, because you can hardly buy any good rock ’n’ roll tapes here, and new albums which are high on the charts get here about a half a year late. For those of you visiting Cairo and saving up in hopes of. buying new tapes—forget it, you can probably buy better tapes in Zimbabwe.

Jojo Avakian Cairo, Egypt

UNDERWEAR FEAR SPREADS TO SOUTH

We are leaders of the Wild Hearts Club in our community. We meet once a week. We listen to Stevie Nicks’ music, share our poetry, etc. We have 14 members. Would anyone like to join? Sara, Rhiannon, Gypsy Charleston, WV

NOT THE CYMBAL SPEC?

I just wrote to thank you guys about the best article you ever did. No, not Boy Howdy’s Guide To Cymbals, but LITA FORD! I picked up this month’s CREEM and your extra Metal Issue and Lita was in them both, bless you guys. It was great. Jay Fulmer Somewhere in Ohio P.S. Next time put her on the cover.

QUELLE NAIVE!

A member of that new group Sparks invited me to his motel room after the concert. Wasn’t that nice of him? My mom thinks it’s sick. Sparks opened for Rick Springfield. Isn’t he great?

Lewis Brian Hopkin Jones (a girl)

Anna, IL

“DELI” ON THE RUN!

I just want to thank you guys for printing that rotten Joe “Deli” Russo’s address in your July issue. My girl friend and I have been looking for him for the last six months. We’re both pregnant and due in about three months. If we have boys, we’re going to name them Liverwurst and Mayonnaise. But if we have girls, we’re going to name them Meadow Spittlebug and Mealworm Russo. Please print this letter so that S.O.B. will see it. He knows who we are, and maybe he’ll send us some child support money.

Mary “Hot Pastrami” Nelson

Pat “On Rye” Sabelian

Pawtucket, RI

P.S. We’ll catch up with you, “Deli,” and then you’ll be chopped liver.

CHRISTGAU PARTY?

Fey feminism, Christgau? Is someone feeling a little inferior to his sex organ today? And speaking of “Mommy wiped my nose,” Ed., people only become defensive when you hit a target. So how come you never print letters from Real Women? An article on deep-rooted psychological fears? I guess it’s easy acting tough when you never put your ass on the line. And thank you once again for such a free-wheeling and openminded magazine. Now 1 must go experiment with my Make A New Breed Mad Scientist Petri Dish Grow-A-Kordo Kit.

Down at the rifle range,

Bandy D.

Paramus, NY

P.S. Yes, I am heterosexual. No, I am not frustrated.

(Then what good ARE you?—Ed.)

Here is something for Robert Christgau. What you wrote about Berlin’s album is very dumb and snobbish. You can tell what kind of crape you listen to by the way you rated some of that other crape.

Annene Kaye, here is something for you. That article on Duran Duran was so dumb, I had to write. Where did you get that crape from, a trash can?

A Fan Of Better Press Ann Arbor, MI

(No, from the scrapeheap. —Ed.)

RODNEY STILL DIRTY!

Here’s my list of men I would never do laundry for in a million years:

1. Ozzy Osbourne*

2. Joe “Deli” Russo.

3. Prince

4. Joan Jett

5. David Lee Roth

6. Rodney Bingenheimer

7. Freddie Mercury

8. The poor man

9. Aerosmith Tuesday Rhodes Huntington Beach, Ca

DULL-WITTED

You sure do have a lot of smart-asses on your staff. Do they have to pass a test or something? T.D.D.

Dayton, OH

(Boy, you sure are funny—ha ha. A test?—Ed.)

STRICTLY CASH 1 can buy you.

Thomas F. Tucker Mistaken Identity Carmichael, CA