MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

LAST WORD ON SUBJECT

ARGUING with the neighbors! What will the chicken say?!

Signed,

Mentally lost in Newhall along with some

10,000 charismatic youth group members

THE ANSWER MAN DOZES

When you think about it, some singers ask the stupidest questions! For instance: When Men At Work ask, who can it be now?, what else is there to say besides, “who really cares?”

My answer to Boy George when he asks, do you rea//y want to hurt me?, is gladly!

When Simon of Duran Duran asks, is there something I should know?, Yes! Your Mommy wants you home by 10:30, no later!

Leave it to Joan Jett to ask, do you want to touch me? I have no comment.

Where have all the good times gone? That Ray Davies is always looking for a good time!

And then there’s Michael Jackson—do you wanna be starting something? Well, that depends on what he means.

The dumbest of all-time is, who are you? As if the whole crowd is gonna answer back.

Talk about dumb, how about, Tommy, can you hear me? No, please speak louder.

Susie

Mission Viego, CA (You forgot iiWhy?,,—Ed.)

CANADIANS: THE SAD TRUTH

Here’s what we have promised you. That’s right! It’s Judy Jetson and Spider. All these years we’ve been reading your scathing put-downs of Canadians, but we thought ya’ll didn’t have anything better to do with your time.

But that was before we went to New York.

See, we went with our school and don’t laugh. See, it’s a progressive school. We just paid $112 to go and did as we pleased—no chaperones or curfew.

And then came the Canadians.

There was a Canadian senior class on our floor at the Holiday Inn (high class). They thought they were hot stuff because they didn’t have to be in their rooms alone by 1:00 a.m. We soon discovered that the Canadians were all they were cracked up to be. First they walked around the halls in their underwear like they were at home or something. Scantily clad and all bad.

Then, they went nuts because we were AMERICAN GIRLS!! They all got out their Canadian cameras and took our pictures and then they even asked for our autographs! There must not be many girls in Canada (God knows the ones with them were dead ringers for Albanian tree shrews).

Anyway, these two Canadian guys, Rob and Doug (not unlike Bob and Doug), went out on the STREET in NEW YORK wearing Hawaiian shirts and leis drinking a 20 oz. can of Hawaiian Punch! Talk about your dumb Canucks!

That night, one thing led to another and Spider was handcuffed in Rob’s room and Judy was down the hall with a Canadian whose name is still unknown. (We’re those kind of girls, we’ll do anything to get our giggles.) For some reason, their chaperone decided to check the unknown Canadian’s room at 4:00 in the morning. Upon the failure of the old “Who’s-under-the-blanket— nobody” trick, ol’ Judy was asked to leave the room. So she did.

But wait! Her key was still there. And seeing as Spider (who crept in at 7:45 that morning) wasn’t there to let her in, she traipsed up to Reuben’s room. Seeing as it was 4:00, Reuben was asleep. So she went down to the lobby for the pass key under the watchful eye of the Canadian’s chaperone.

To make a long story less long, we will never again doubt your words of wisdom on the stupidity of the Canadian species.

Long Live Johnny Thunders!

The indefatigable

Judy Jetson and Spider

Richmond, VA

GOD BLESS MR. McLAREN

I read your article on Bow Wow Wow in the June issue and how they got started by Malcolm McLaren. 1 was impressed at how there’s someone in this country that’s trying to help young bands get started. I hope Mr. McLaren reads this and 1 hope CREEM prints it because I need help also.

What I’m saying, Mr. McLaren, is if you decide you want to get out of town to get an all-girl band started, it’ll be worth it. I just don’t now what else to do. Please help. I don’t care, even if I have to get Lady and the Tramps (my band’s name) started. Mr. McLaren, you can even call me collect!

Kim Karnes Charlotte, NC P.S. I could make it.

NOSE DEBRIS

Now that Prince and Michael Jackson have graced your covers, Tammy tell me true: WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GROWING UNDER THEIR NOSES? Do they actually think those are moustaches they’ve got there? My grandmother has a better moustache! Those two look like they’ve got MOD false eyelashes pasted on their mugs. Cut me a break, already. Bring on the Nair!

While I’m on the subject, Susan of Vanity 6 should put some makeup on the lower portion of her face. Even out that skin-tone, honey, you look like Mitch Miller.

Love & kisses,

Just one of the girls from the Cosmetic Advisory Service P.S. Wow! Jaan Uhelszki! Eleganza! I feel like a teenager again. Now, if only somebody could bring back Rock Scene magazine!

BIG BOUNCY TIRES NO MORE! When I read your article on the Thompson Twits, I had to write you a couple of comments about those self-righteous snobs.

A low rider is more than just a car with big, bouncy tires and the magazine is not about L.A.’s Spanish-speaking culture. It is about the culture created by Mexican-Americans who are proud of both their Mexican roots and the country they were born in.

Bailey could have found this out by reading a few pages, but I guess he had more important things to do, like helping old fellows from America’s only rock ’n’ roll magazine that bills itself as such realize how ignorant they are.

Thanks for the article. You do us all a great favor when you expose two-faced idiots like Bailey.

By the way, are your writers required to put a minimum number of words in their articles? Just wondering.

Mario Berumen Los Angeles, CA

(Considering CREEM’s “writers,” we encourage a minimum of words!—Ed.)

I SEE TIA, I SEE CHARLOTTE I bet you didn’t know it, but on certain Police Synchronicity album covers, there’s a camera in Sting’s eyes that takes pictures. Be careful what you do when it is lying around. They use the picture to blackmail you.

Charlotte & Maureen Uh, MI

P.S. Zoso is the guardian demon of the gates of Hell. According to my Ouiji board.

GROOVES GONE BALD For all you weirdos who like finding secret messages in your records—the place to look is in the inner grooves. I did it, and look what I found: On side two of my copy of Translator’s Heartbeats And Triggers LP, it says P BL38162-IF T. On my copy of the Producer’s You Make The Heat LP on side one it says, what else but AL-38060-1B. On R.E.M.’s “Radio Free Europe” 45,1 found the words RADIO FREE EUROPE! So there you have it! If you can decipher any of these messages, there is a secret message for you!

Green M&M’s Forever Somewhere in TN

TOKEN DURAN DURAN WHIMPERS

Help! One of the guys in Duran Duran is my paperboy!

Confused but willing,

The Lady Next Door

Detroit, MI

I love Duran Duran, and many people (mainly boys) have told me I’m a woman.

Barbara M.

Brogan, OR

Hear me shout to them from mountains in the North! They answer me: BABABABABABABA!

Meggie Mahood

Cleveland, OH

DROOLING WITH MR. D!

I am writing because I was overjoyed to discover that both the July and August issues contained 74 pages. Recent issues containing more than 66 pages have been few and far between. Unfortunately, you have started running a sports column. Come on, Mr. DiMartino, you are supposed to be in charge of “America’s Only Rock ’N’ Roll Magazine,” not some type of rock People magazine.

Debbie

Brooklyn, NY

(“In charge of?” You droll little wag, you. —Ed.)

MUCHO COCOLOSI

Hi folks. I’m Puerto Rican and I belong to a band. 1 play rhythm guitar and vocals and I hate Disco Music. Oh, God! It sucks, but what can I do with them? In my country, the predominant music is the “Salsa.” In the Island, the rockers call the people who listen to that music “cocolos.” Let me tell you that in this island, we have only two rock radio stations in FM and none in AM. But what can I do? You can’t listen to groups like Iron Maiden, VH, Rush, Beatles, Stones, and the list goes on. We have MTV in the Metropolitan Area, but they only play punk-rock and a little heavy metal. Punk-rock and Disco is sissy and homosexual’s music. I just like old rock ’n’ roll and heavy metal. Remember that war is over if you want. Thanks!

Rev. Loquillo Rascayuca

Yuca Redonda, Puerto Rico

P.S. In P.R., we can’t use “tails-covers.”

(In Birmingham, we don’t even know what tailscovers are!—Ed.)

PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION

Putting out a magazine on the New Rock was a terrific idea! I bought it for just one little picture on the cover, Duran Duran, and found out about a lot of other really great bands.

M.R.D.

Chandler, AZ

Adam Ant has zits on his chest. Check out the picture of him on the back cover of the CREEM CLOSE-UP: NEW ROCK.

Liz

Brooklyn, NY

A million thanx for your NEW ROCK CLOSEUP! I damn near cried after reading Bill Holdship’s Lou Reed article!

Eril Christianson

Saugerties, NY

(You should’ve seen our typesetter!—Ed.)

I recently bought your New Rock special edition just for the Cars. It was a good article, but I think I should comment on Laura Fissinger’s opening paragraph. What does Mr. Fiss mean, she’s been kissed by Ben Orr? Well, for her information, I’ve done more than that with Ben! He even gave me five dollars to do his laundry. Angie-0 Neptune, NJ

(Attention, little campers! If CREEM’S GUIDE TO NEW ROCK sold out on your block, you can still get it straight from “us”! Look for the ad elsewhere in this issue. —Ed.)

THE NIFTY '50s?

Many thanks for your recent article on Marshall Crenshaw. Being an ardent fan of ’50s music, it’s gratifying fo hear the feel and spirit of the early days of rock in Crenshaw’s music. Fans of the Nifty ’50s will be eternally grateful to Marshall and his group for keeping the music honest and

excifiwfiu wSftie Jones Hartford, CT

SISTERHOOD IS FUNI I hate.Duran Duran! Simon LeBon has guppy lips! I haie Ozzy Osbourne! Stray Cats and Culture Club stiriik! Tom Petty lives! I’m massively in love with the^gorgeous babe! He’s got the best music and videos! Do more articles on him!

Total #1 Tom Petty Fan McMurray, PA

P.S. If my stupid sister writes in saying how much she loves Duran 2, don’t print it, or else!

DEATH TO PETTY! My retardo sister says she wrote you a letter stating that she hates Duran Duran. Well, I hate Tom Petty! Please X out all known pictures of him, and don’t print any more.

(God, he’s ugly!)

Thanks for writing a song my brother’s band can’t play! (“Girls On Film.”)

From the #1 Tom Petty hater, who detests her brothers and sisters, McMurray, PA

MESSAGE UNCLEAR This letter is dedicated to all the heavy-metalers put there:

You can take the likes of your scum and rot in hell with that puss Rob Halford. Not only are you a disgraceful waste, but your repulsive rudeness disgusts me. 1 detest being seen with such loathsome, misbehaved juvenility. Your grotesque immaturity is offending. You gawk and bitch forever about nothing. You guys look, smell and sound as bad as possible. Your trash should be wiped off the earth. It would be well for mankind if you were all dead. Go to hell. Dedicated Punk Grandview, MO

(Yeah, but do you LIKE heavy metal fans?—Ed.)

YOU TOO CAN DRAW A BLANK!

I’m a Def Leppard fan. Now, I used to be a Van Halen fan, and I wondered why. So, yesterday I sat down with a piece of paper to find three good reasons why I ever liked Van Halen, and here’s what I came up with:

1)

2)

3)

Need 1 say more?

Rick Savage’s twin sister Rock Island, 1L

FEATHER WHAMMY This letter is in response to all those millions of Led Zep fans out there who always wanted to know what the four “symbols” that represent their fourth LP mean.

John Bonham’s symbol was the three circles. It means the trilogy—man, woman, and child.

John Paul Jones’s symbol, the second from the left, was found in a book about runes and was said to represent a person who is both confident and competent, because it was so difficult to draw accurately. Bonzo’s came from the same book— he just picked it out because he liked it.

Robert Plant’s symbol is his own design...the feather, a symbol on which all sorts of philosophies have been based and which has a very interesting heritage. It was drawn up from sacred symbols of the ancient Mu civilization which existed about 15,000 years ago as part of a lost continent somewhere in the Pacific between China and Mexico. These Mu people left stone tablets with their symbols inscribed into them all over the place...Mexico, Egypt, Ethiopia, India, China and other places.

And last but not least, Jimmy Page lovers across the continent. His symbol was something he designed himself. It’s not a word, though their fourth LP was often mistook for the word Zoso.

Jimmy only told the meaning of his symbol to Robert once. But wouldn’t you know it, Robert forgot what Pagey’s symbol meant. Ah, but knowing Pagey, it’ll turn up in some long lost book. Zep Aficianado Tampa, FL (Mu?—Ed.)

SLOW CHILDREN PLAY HERE I thought Iggy Pop was the name of a David Bowie album. You mean Iggy Pop is a guy’s name? I’m dumb.

Misunderstood Indianapolis, Indasota