KISS & TELL

KISS & TELL

Jaan Uhelszki

Double Trouble: Men At Work’s drummer, Jerry Speiser has an impersonator who’s really become a pain “down under” if you know what I mean. It seems “Jerry” has been giving interviews, autographs, attempting to charge a fleet of foreign and domestic autos to Columbia Records and actually getting in free into other artist’s shows (the worst offense in my book: I wouldn’t even want the real Jerry there). You know, the usual pranks—except one shenanigan that left a gullible girl from Texas sadder, wiser and footsore: the imposter stole a Mustang from the lass, claiming he had to rush to the airport to catch a plane to Australia...Those fans are certainly feisty this month. You remember those unruly Joni Mitchell enthusiasts who stormed the gates at her Milan, Italy shows a couple of months back? Well, 15 of them were sentenced to six months in jail (no, not for actually attending her show!) after they were convicted of throwing rocks and gas bombs, in an attempt to get into the concert free (them, too?)...In an obvious retaliation for the Mitchell fiasco, local police in Rome tear gassed Peter Frampton after a riot erupted at his recent concert there—and you thought it was just because Pete refused to play “I’m In You” for the spaghetti eaters...You mean they weren’t looking for drugs and booze? Within hours of David Bowie’s Wembly concerts in London, hundreds of bootleg cassettes were being offered for sale on the street for 3 pounds each—six bucks to you, sailor. Bowie was enraged, the promoters were perplexed—since everyone was searched before they went in. Guess they forgot to search the promoters... Incidentally, Kiss & Tell has heard reports of Bianca nipping at his heels...Better Than A Telethon: Dancing For Mental Health LP by Will Powers which contains the single “Adventures In Success,” penned by, among others, the best looking partnership in recent rock history—Robert Palmer and Sting...Speaking of Sting, could it be possible the blond

bombshell is really a well preserved 39? Just asking...Last month you read about Ace Frehley’s demolition derby in White Plains—this month we bring you another sad tale of faded glory—about Peter “The Cat” Cries crashing his Datsun Special in to a Darien, CT tree... La Dome, that chi-chi-est of LA eateries has barred two famous faces from its doors. One is Ringo Starr, called out on account of not tipping. The straw that broke the waitresses’ back was when Starr’s party ran up a tab of $700—and they didn’t even say thank you. Guess Le Starr has some other expensive

habits that suck up all his extra cash...Now Rod Stewart is another story. I don’t want to say the Mod is picky, picky, picky, but he has an ever-so irritating habit of ordering say, sole bonne femme, taking one taste and sending it back to the kitchen. Another selection, another teeny taste and he gives the entree the heave-ho, and on to the next round. Worse, he can’t even be bothered to pay for all the discarded meals. So the owner of La Dome decided to give Stewart la dump, until he learns to pay for his culinary excursions...In a moment of uncharacteristic frankness, our 86’ed gourmet revealed that he felt he deserved the heavy criticism he incurred for his infamous defection to Hollywood. “I think a lot of it I deserved, especially between ’76 and ’79. I can’t be specific, but I know my fault was that I was believing everything I read about myself. I really believed I was God’s gift to women. I think it affected the music, but hopefully that’s all behind me now. I’m God’s gift to men now.” If they don’t want him, can we have him back?...My Mother The Car: Van Halen’s next record includes a solo by Eddie’s Lamborghini. The song is called “Go Ahead And .$ Jump,” and the chopiMl floes ahead and jump, jump, vrrrooommmm." Needless to say. the vrrrooommmm is the Lambo's solo...all m^y be well in the Van Halen (MI ige but things aien rffli faring too well at home-sweet home for Valerie Bertinelli and Edward. It seems ^Humpty Dumpt' aEdward affectionately calls his bride is tn a dither aht apparently i aught her hubby in an after! a-tete with VW secretary PkiimAM Valerie was last spotted with a j crystal vase tn9w%^mffl|And you thought life o was—dull. In Des Moines, Iowa, an 18-year-old ex-con barricaded himself and his 13-year-old girlfriend, and a couple of guns directly across from Greg Kihn’s room at the Des Moines Hilton.

At 1:00 a.m. a SWAT team commandeered Greg’s room. Luckily, Kihn was sleeping, if you know what I mean. He repaired to the bar. The SWAT team held the couple at a tense stand-off for six hours from Kihn’s room, finally frettering out that the girl’s father only claimed that she had been kidnapped. So the con traded the guns for a six pack— and Greg, well, he got a hangover...New duo spotted around town: John Oates and Tatum O’Neal...Why is the Red Man Red? Do you remember the cut “Siogo” on the last Blackfoot album? You know, the one that they claim is the tribal word for “brotherhood.” What tribe, I ask? David Lee Roth’s tribe—my Indian Guides tell me Siogo actually stands for “Suck It Or Get Out.’’...Why Is The Rocker Red? John Griffith, the sublimely talented guitarist of Red Rockers, had a certain Midwestern brewery heiress in the band

recently played Memphis. She enticed the unsuspecting Griffith into her Porsche and they drove away into the Presley sunset Two sunsets too many since John wtKi show up for the Rockers gig in Little Rock, which had to (uncelbd What do you ine r , he was just negotiating for a corporate sponsorship... Remember when we f^ked the musical question—Calling All Producers To the Aid of the GoGo’*? David Kershenbaum, of Joe Jackson and Johnny And The Distractions fame, will do their next...Now for my musical question: Why were Helen Keller’s fingers purple? She heard it through the grapevine! Lucky for you, you have Kiss & Tell...