MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

IS THERE SOMETHING WE SHOULD KNOW?

We are Duran Durans greatest fans. We have six posters of them, four Duran Duran shirts, and a scrapebook!

Duran Durans #1 Fans

Where MTV Is,

Springfield, MA

(Wait awhile, and itll be a scab-book!—Ed.)

I am extremely offended by the idiotic reporter Annene Kaye, who did the report oh the article, “The Man From D.U.R.A.N. D.U.R.A.N."

J.L.

San Jose, CA

(By the way, Annene got a Bon the report. —Ed.)

...what really made us mad was when you compared John Taylor to Ric Ocaseks ears!

Two Very Mad Devoted Duran Duran Fans

Pineville, LA

How come John Taylor said that there are only certain types that like Nick? Im a straight, 17-yearold girl looking for Nick Rhodes! So, I sit here waiting for Nick Rhodes to come on a big black horse and take me away fro,m the Hell I live in!

Beth M.

Hossville, KY

Each member of Duran Duran comes from a good family, and would not say any of those infantile remarks you wrote in your trashy magazine.

Anne Potratz

Long Beach, CA

As for the editors comment about Nick Rhodes and the editorial assistants closet, well, I think you know what Im going to say.

H.S.

Rocky, MT

(Sez Kim: “No, what?")

WORST IS BEST

OK, hold on to your dentures! I am the worst, I repeat, ABSOLUTE WORST Go-Gos fan there is on Planet Earth, ba-bop-ba. I own none of their albums, no posters, no pictures. I dont even know their NAMES! But I think the lead singers a fat swine! Altogether, I have spent exactly $0.00 on them! Its GREAT!

Dolly (By The Hair)

Rio

CATS ARE HECKI

A few months ago, a cat was keeping us up at night. Richard lured it into the basement with canned mackerel (mmmmmmm) and we tried to trap it but it got away and was running up the walls and flying through the air. Then it hid in one place and Rich tore everything there away. It was a wreck and smelled like canned mackerel and that damn cat smell. 1 was screaming. Rich caught it in a mailbag and we put it in a bike basket and I rode 20 blocks east and across Golden Gate Park. That was about three weeks ago.

It came back yesterday. Everything got wacko and nutty. Rich waiting in the dark—at midnight—trying to psych out a cat. I didnt know who Rich was. We had to sleep in the living room. Today Rich caught the cat—in fact, about two hours ago.

Rich made a trap and pulled a rope when the cat went under this thing. And it was held down by bricks and a big log. Then we dragged it into the basement and put it in a bag (with leftover tunafish) and Kim and Dave came over and we took that goddam cat to Sausalito in one of the worst rain storms ever. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Then I was torturing the cat by barking and jumping right next to it while it was in the bag. We dropped it off in front of a SEAFOOD PLACE.

Angel

San Francisco, CA

BAD KITTY!

It seems to be that I, Alley Cat, sent a letter to your Mail section which I have regretted ever writing. I didnt mean anything in that letter (except for the part about the Who—OK, this is a Who letter!) and I must have been a bloody raving lunatic to have sent it out. Enclosed is the letter which I wish for you to receive and as for the other letter—scrap it.

Alley Cat (meow!)

The Alley

(As it turns out, we never got your first letter. Boy, do you look stupid now!!—Ed.)

FORGET IT!

We sincerely regret the damage your mail received during handling by the Postal Service and hope this incident will not seriously inconvenience you. We realize your mail is important to you and you have every right to to expect it to be delivered in good condition.

Although every effort is made to prevent damage by the mail, occasionally this will occur because of the great volume handled and the rapid processing methods which must be employed to assure the most expeditious distribution possible.

We hope you understand and want to improve our processing methods in order that even a rare occurence can be eliminated.

Please accept our apologies.

Gene Cole

Postmaster

(Not until you give us back our hollowed-out jeep!—Ed.)

BGOSH, BGOLLY!

What does Boy Howdy mean? You always say, “Always say Boy Howdy." I want you to know that I always do, but I dont know what it means. Ive sort of been using it in place of something like “Gosh" or “Golly Gee." Is that right?

Nancy Graver

Lancaster, PA

(No.-Ed.)

COOKING HINT

Do you usually put fish in the same barrels as shotguns?

Astro Jetson

Punkland, ZZ

(Only fish that look like George Harrison!—Ed.)

SISTERHOOD IS POWERFUL

Did you realize that Ozzy Osbourne looks almost exactly like Donna Cortlandt on All My Children? Its uncanny! I mean, they could really be sisters or something!

Capt. Ludwig van Hot Wax

Nowhere near Granite Falls, WA

NEXT TIME, TRY IT WITH YOUR EYES OPEN!

Holy smokes, you silly ones, but we like to verk in our undervare while sitting on electric chairs while our hairdresser remains on the floor, sobbing, and we wish, we wish we were a fish who ate Goober peas cause we love them chicken wings and we wanna be a Weight Watchers poster child and we are Elmo, but sometimes we wish we were Neil Diamond cause its magically delicious!

AND NOW ANOTHER TUNE THAT WE'RE GONNA KEEP PLAYIN TILL SOMEBODY OUT THERE ACTUALLY WANTS TO HEAR IT!

Caption Readers from

God knows where

NOBODY ELSE WANTS EM ANYWAY

LET KORDOSH KEEP HIS DREADLOCKS!

Boys Girl

El Segundo, CA

OH, WE THOUGHT YOU SAID HERBSl

My seventh grade English teacher gave us the words to “Stairway To Heaven" to practice finding verbs!

Melissa Whitley

Bryan, TX

SAY ROB "THE SLOB" AGAIN!

How come your male readers get good looking CREEM DREEMs and we female readers get scummy looking CREEM NITEMAREs?

Subhumans like Philthy Animal Taylor and Martin Chambers are not men, but SLIME! I thought out my own list of real CREEM DREEMs for your hungry-eyed female readers—all of us wishful groupies at heart.

1. Jim Morrison: who can resist the Lizard King in leather? Jim makes pitiful imitators like Rob “the Slob" Halford look like sweaty albino worms who would probably have fought in Vietnam.

2. Marc Bolan: what girl could reject that wanton waif? With his smoldering innocent beauty, he was the King after Morrison. If I hadnt been all of four years old at the time of his fame, I would have loved to bang a gong with him!

3. Robert Plant: preferably surrounded by lemons.

4. Joe Perry: just make him pose with a black Strat. He doesnt have to comb his hair—only arch his back, clench his Marlboro between his sexy lips, and sulk, pout, and sneer!

5. Steven Tyler: in silver Spandex, singing “I got a big ten inch (record)."

Not much to ask for, is it? Im a devoted coverto-cover reader, so maybe you owe it to me and every other crazed fan to print the aforementioned CREEM DREEMs. One final parting snicker at Lita “She-Wolf Ford. HA HA HAH Grace Slick would look cooler in a flannel bathrobe and fuzzy slippers! So there, “She-Whale!"

Oh, and by the way, darling Ed., would it be possible for me to photograph my CREEM DREEMs? Just me and my Nikon, really...

Alice

Gypsyville, ND

COMING SOON: LIST OF LISTS

OK, OK! I finally have it for ya! Heres the list of the 15 most disgusting, ugly, gross, blecchy, yukky, grody, barf-me-out-gag-me-with-a-spoon male rockers of the past 20 years: 1) Ozzy Osbourne, 2) Meat Loaf, 3) David Lee Roth, 4) Ted Nugent, 5) Steven Tyler, 6) Keith Richards, 7) Angus Young, 8) Elvis Costello, 9) Geddy Lee, 10) Pete Townshend, 11) Marshall Crenshaw, 12) Mick Jagger, 13) Joe Strummer, 14) John Cougar, 15) Elmo.

A Girl On Film

Rio

(Whats with all this Rio stuff? For the last time, its R-E-OI—Ed.)

NAVY BOO

Hey lissen gang, I know Ive been a little lapse in the letter dept., lately, but its kinda rough concentrating on writing when youve got a hundred squids breathing down your neck all the time. [Funny— its never bothered us!—Ed.] See, Ive been restricted to the ship here for almost two months now (the result of being busted for a positive urinalysis test) and just recently, I even spent three days in the brig on bread and water! I also went from Third Class Petty Officer (E-4) to Seaman Apprentice (E-2) and, in short, may be leaving the Navy a little sooner than expected. Also, to make everything just neat, neat, neat (as the Damned once said) my ship is in the middle of a six-week refresher training program in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, which is a real tropical paradise, let me tell you.

Anyway, the main reason for my writing is in reference to the article on Ms. Joan Jett. What I would like you to do in case you happen to see or hear from her is tell her that one of her biggest fans thinks she is definitely “still hot." In fact, to me shes the hottest little guitar slingin babe in the whole world.

John

FPO Miami, FL

I LOVE ROD N REEL

What, Joan Jett got a cover story? What happened, did someone have a memory lapse? I thought you guys didnt like Joan. Why you dont like Joan is beyond me! Surprisingly, this article didnt rip Joan to pieces like the others ALWAYS do, that is, the few articles you do print. Im glad to see you guys are FINALLY writing about Joan Jett. Cmon, she deserves more credit and recognition than you give her. No matter what anyone else thinks or says, Joan Jett is the only real rocker, no one else can compare to her. Joan is and will forever be the QUEEN of NOISE!!!!

Jetticated Forever

Redding, CA

(Who else would WANT to be?—Ed.)

WHOLE LOTTA ROSIE!

My name is Marjory the Trash Heap. I only buy your mag cuz of the pictures. The captions suck. I weigh 700 lbs., have purple hair and orange eyes. I enjoy jumping off buildings, hunting boa constrictors and eating glue. 1 am afraid of falling planes, midgets taking me away in UFOs and finding poisonous worms in my alphabet soup. Although 1 am 22, have my left ear pierced 14 times and have three rings through my nose, I have taste in music.

1 hate you, I hate you, 1 hate you, 1 hate you, I hate you, 1 hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, 1 hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Marjory

San Diego, CA

BAUSCH & LOMB BEG TO DIFFER

When I saw Iron Maiden in concert, after lusting and drooling severely, Bruce Dickinson looked right into my eyes. Ive started to howl at full moons, and tomorrow Im going to try to lick my eyelids. Ill be OK, dont worry.

Mrs. Steve Harris

Hell, 666

SO DOES HIS MAMA

I was wondering how can you become a person like Dave DiMartino?

Deanna Wilkerson

Maderia, OH

(Sez Dave: “Drink a lot. ")

NEEDS IDENTITY

Just because Boy George dresses feminine doesnt mean hes gay. I wear ties, jackets, pants, hats and other mens apparel and I am female— am I queer?

Diana A.

Louisville, KY

(Yes.-Ed.)

WE DID IT FOR THE AMBIENCE

Just a short, non-smartass (so you probably wont read it) note to say thanks for bringing back the sorely-missed (by moi) “Eleganza" column. John Mendelssohn is a fine writer who deserves to appear more often in your pages. And anybody who likes Boy George is A-OK in my book. Seems hes really given your caption writers a field day. I dont understand any of them (whats real tiny and wiggles?); only dont laugh too hard— hes huge in Britain.

Ms. 45

Rochester, NY

(Yeah, onlv when excited. —Ed.)

RETALIATION

New Wave is taking over the world—yes, you laugh now, do you?—Well, we got some news for you! Get this—we sent Rob Halford, Mr. Heavy Metal himself, a pair of white Capezios and an issue of CREEMs New Rock. Well, we just received a letter from him today saying thanks for the great shoes, and now Judas Priest is adding a synthesizer to the band. Beat that!

Tasha Taylor Rhodes & Bathsheba LeBon Rio Lane, Planet Earth

WHAT IS TRUTH?

Any truth to the rumor that Journeys latest smash hit “Faithfully" was written by Lionel Richie?

Dylan Dykes

Jefferson City, MO

PROBABLE WRONG ADDRESS

We recently acquired your June issue of CREEM, and enjoyed it thoroughly...the entire family! The captions beneath your photos are witty, catchy, and definitely different (but enjoyable). As I am long past the “teens and twenties," I am not prone to read “rock" type publications. However, as I said above, your June issue, the first 1/we had ever seen of its type, was quite enjoyable. Unlike many publications I have read in the past, yours seems upfront and truthful.

The article we all enjoyed the most was the one on Mr. Michael Jackson, by Sylvie Simmons. We have enjoyed watching this young man since he was a child, and it was very heartwarming to see such a pleasant article written about him/his character.

My sincerest thinks for a classy publication. Candy S. Coleman (...and family)

Buckley, MI

UP ON THE WOOF

I wouldnt take you to a dogfight even if I thought you could win!

An Elmo Fan

Bethel, CT

ONE QUACK MIND

You can tell which ones are ducks because theyre wearing leg warmers.

I Conceived Thomas Dolby

Mystic Mountain, Anarctica

FROM THE TRANSCRIPT OF CREEM READERS INSANITY PROCEEDINGS

Hey, Jerk! Dont read this! Im talking to you! Dont look at me like that, turn the page! Damn!

A Fan From Planet Earth

East Brunswick, NJ

Im insane/No youre not! I have a split personality/No, I have the split personality! I like your magazine a lot/it makes me want to puke on my cat! Im a fanatical Def Leppard fan/I hate...no, I like Def Leppard! Hey, we finally agreed on something/No we didnt! Stop contradicting me/Im not contradicting you! Yes you are/No Im not! Yes you are/No Im not...

Kathy/Sav

Largo, FL

P.S. Sav stands for Sarcastic and Vicious/No it doesnt! Yes it does/No it doesnt...

SOPHISTICATED BABY HUMOR

Please print this, because I want this ass called Cathy, from Marina Del Ray, CA, to know just what I think about her and her sophisticated humor!

I think it is the most distasteful and unsophisticated joke I ever read. The person who wrote this joke must have the mentality of a twoyear-old baby. This person has a pitifully disturbed mind and seriously needs help.

I just want to let everybody know I feel real sorry for the state of California if everybody out there has the same sadistic and demented sense of sophisticated humor.

John

Jersey

(Didja hear the one about the blind man in the fish market?—Ed.)

RIGHT TO HATE

RIGHT NOW I am lying on my bed in my room. Just finished reading your “Letter From Britain" dept. Supposed to be doin Bio homework. Hey—what the hell, right?! Listen, CREEM, youre the best mag around here but, like I said, youre tops!

Listenin to one of my BOC tapes (#1!), but gettin back to your “Letter From Britain," I thought it was great. Even though you cut up “punk," I still think youre all right. Thanx for all that info. People have the right to hate punk, just like I have the right to hate country, opera and toocommercial pop, etc.

Karen

Vineland, NJ

MORE SENSELESS DEATHS

How the hell can I get a date with Nick Rhodes, keyboardist for Duran Duran? I would do absolutely anything, even kill (myself!) to have the chance to meet him!

Blissfully,

Shari G.

Jamestown, NY

FUN IN OZI

I have an answer to Angry Andy Overkill who wrote in CREEM in May, 1983. If you get drunk in Australia, the room youre in will turn counterclockwise.

Colin Hays American Cousin, Fuzzball

Hicksville, NY

(The eyes have it!—Ed.)

A HEAD OF HIS TIME

Why the hell dont you have articles on the Grateful Dead? The Grateful Dead are Number One.

Sincerely,

A Dead Head Burnout

Brooklyn, NY

STOOOOPID

I would like this to be printed in your mag: I forgot what I was going to say.

Aline LeBon

Smog City, CA

“NOT MY LOVER"

I read articles about Michael Jackson all the time. I read that he has no friends that arent some kind of star and he feels strange around ordinary people.

I may be crazy wanting to be a friend of Michaels, but I do! If I have to be in some kind of contest to be a friend of his, I want my entry in there 100 billion times!

Tany Long

Jacks Creek, TN

(Sorry, yoooou looose!—Ed.)

JOE “DELI" RUSSO: THE CONTROVERSY CONTINUES

I was reading about what Joe “Deli" Russo had to say. I think it was terrible how you made fun of him all through the magazine. He must feel terrible.

Janna Henry

Holbrook, NY

(He does, and he dont smell so good either!— Ed.)

I think I saw Joe “Deli" Russo on a street corner flashing small animals.

Susan Green

Other Creek (no kidding), FL

Dear Joe “Deli" Russo: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Moe “Jelly" Gusso

Yukon, OH

Will Joe “Deli" Russo take the place of Elmo? A Concerned Person

(Who sincerely hopes not)

Berkley, MI

(Bite your tongue, non-believer. Then send it in!—Ed.) W1