MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

WHAT WOULD FIDEL SAY?

Though I knew your magazine, it had never been real until last month. You can’t imagine how good it felt after the reading of CREEM (Feb. issue). It was as if I had found a refuge, in fact, it has been a refuge to me!

Rafael J. Marina

Havana, Cuba

(Of course, now that we’ve printed the guy’s name, his whole family will be shot!—Ed.)

HELTER SKELTER, LITTLE DEUCE COUPE LINKEDI

George Bush claims to be a “friend” of the Beach Boys. So is Charlie Manson.

Randy Korwan

Fort Saratoga, NY

NEED BEATLES

My first reaction to your recent article, “Who Needs The Beatles?” by Rick Johnson and J-. Kordosh (April, ’83) was that it was so acidic and hateful it made me, in the words of Groucho Marx, want to ring your doorbell and run. But what the hell, you’ve got a right to your opinion—no matter how idiotic.

By the time I came to the end of it, I concluded that it was not as much an expression of jealous criticism as an opportunity to write a cutesy and “clever” jab. Johnson and Kordosh, in their writing style, remind me of the sort of show-off geeks 1 knew in high school who couldn’t make the Varsity, so gained whatever attention they could by being the class smart alecks.

Who needs the Beatles, you ask? Who, indeed.

Pheobe Moody

Phobeville, ND

(Whooooooooooooooo Indeeeeeeeeeeed!—Ed.)

I’ve been reading your (generally) excellent magazine for better than ten years and have never before felt the urge to write you. But an article in the April issue pissed me off enough to finally take pen in hand. Granted, Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and Starkey haven’t done anything of5 real consequence since they ceased being “Beatles,” but for Johnson and Kordosh to state that ‘about the only thing they revolutionized was haircuts’ is laughably ignorant. What were those two doing in the ’60s, listening to the Tijuana Brass and Petula Clark?

Still A Beatle Fan

Washington, DC

P.S. Now 1 know where Mark Chapman got the gun—Kordosh sold it to him.

I think “Who-Needs The Beatle^?’’ was uncalled for. Rick Johnson and J. Kordosh don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. All they were trying to be are a couple of comedians. All they’re mad about is that the Beatles came from another country (Liverpool, England) and made a big success.

Sure, the Beatles were into a lot of drugs, they’re only human beings just like everybody else. Big deal if McCartney had a butter warmer*—did ya’ll ever think maybe he didn’t want frozen butter?

L.P.

Atlanta, GA

(Didn’t want frozen butter? You sly honker you!—Ed.)

DO NOT NEED BEATLES *1 know Rick Johnson and J. Kordosh ate going to get a lot of hate mail based on their Beatles article. I’d like to go on the record as saying I.enjoyed the article immensely. Not enough derogatory things have been written about the Fab Four,: and things needed to be said.

Joe “Deli” Russo

Bronx, NY

(Next month: Derogatory things that needed to be said about Joe “Deli” Russo!—Ed.)

1 know you guys will probably get a whole lot of mail from all the Beatlemaniacs out there protesting “Who Needs The Beatles?” I just wanted to say I thought it was really funny, especially the part about Paul’s hate note to John and Yoko. In fact, I think your whole magazine is pretty funny, so I subscribed. When my parents found out I was gonna spend $19 to subscribe to a magazine they had never heard of, they got very upset. My brother said, “Stop being such a little goof.” And my mother told my father that she was really worried about me.

The Beav

Mayfield, USA

Thank you for “Who Needs The Beatles?”! It’s about time these long hairs were looked upon for what they are, Boring Old Men.

Jesse Plauge

N.P.R., FL

WOTTA WOTTA FAN FAN!!

Where where can can 11 write write to to Duran Duran Duran Duran?? 11 want want Simon Simon Le Bon Le Bon so so bad bad,, please please print print a a picture picture of of his his thighs thighs.

A A Duran Duran Duran Duran Fan Fan

Planet Planet Earth Earth (Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop)

THIS GUY MEANS IT!

As far as I care, all you punk rockers can just die and take your rotten music with you! Leave us alone or else!

Satan Rules!

Michael T. McCain Cedar Rapids, IA

P.S. Off the record, my mother bought me the Feb. CREEM and if you print this letter, would you send me the issue with my letter? I’d go out and buy one but I don’t know where.

RATHER UNFORTUNATE?

In a rather unfortunate incident, one of our substitue teachers destroyed a student’s copy of the Led Zeppelin Special published by CREEM. Since the magazine was not an issue in the incident, we do not feel that the student should suffer any loss.

Please help us secure a replacement copy. A check for five dollars is enclosed. Please bill us if the cost is higher.

James Skomer Principal

Huntley Consolidated School District 158 Huntley, IL

GOES TO DULL PARTIES Did you know this is a good magazine to read at a party?

Ruby Tuesday Utica, NY

(You must go to Joe “Deli” Russo’s parties!—Ed.)

NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS Please tell me how I can become a member of your fine staff. I want people to hate me too. JP

Warren, MI

(What! You want to be despised and get paid for it? Go to your room!—Ed.)

WHAT THE ORACLE SAID Who knows? Who cares? Why live? Give up! Dave Preweitt Somewhere In Clano, TX

PADDLE FEAR REACHES NORTHWEST I thought you might like to know what was wrong with the Still The Beaver movie. Overall, I thought they did a better job than they might have, but there were certain things which were definitely not right:

1) Ward’s headstone read 1910-1977, but Ward Cleaver was not born in 1910. He was born around 1917. He was in the fourth grade when Lindbergh flew the Atlantic in May, 1927. Ward Cleaver, a 17-year-old fourth grader? I don’t think so.

2) From the movie, one would get the impression that Fred Rutherford was Ward’s boss. This seems to be a popular misconception. I have even read it in a book. But it’s not true. Fred and Ward worked in the same office, and on more than one occasion, Fred made references to Ward’s being ahead of’him.

3) When Wally punched Eddie, Eddie said that he had never done that before. But, as every schoolkid knows, the reason Eddie was Wally’s bqst friend was that Wally had beat him up in the third grade.

4) Richard Rickover, intelligent, well-meaning and successful? Come on! This is the oily little rat who once told the police his name was Theodore Cleaver!

Joey Beretta Renton, WA

HUTCH BURN CONFESSIONS

Now it’s my turn to brag. I am the BIGGEST Echo and the Bunnymen fan ever. I own all three of their records plus a British import and a poster. 1 also have their name written on my physics book and I have one or two pictures of them. This year alone 1 have spent about twelve dollars on the Bunnymen.

Bunnymania Forever!

Marshall Boswell

Germantown, TN

NOW HE TELLS US

Always squeeze from the bottom for best results.

No Regrets

Palookaville, CA

CREEM GOOFS AGAIN

No, no, no. It’s cabbages, knickers and it hasn’t got a beak!

Debbie “Gris Gris”

New Orleans, LA

OVERHAUL DELAYED

I still can’t find my wrench set.

The Last Gargoyle

Pocatello, ID

CIRCULAR CIRCULATION Can you realize how boring it is to operate a ferris wheel?

Tonja Jackson

Seattle, WA

BOY, YOU GOT OUR TICKET!

Your magazine is trash. CREEM is a slanderous sampler of psychotic ravings “written” by a menagerie of maladjusted, malcontented misfits who imagine themselves as “highly clever parodists,” “social satirists” and “rock critics.” Your magazine is stupid and vile. Your magazine is just like me. Keep up the good work.

Your friend,

Danny Lopez

Rio Pedras, Puerto Rico

BIG THINGS ON MIND

I’m a senior in high school and I’ll be graduating soon. I have a lot of things on my mind. For one thing, this guy I am totally in love with just asked out this big-chested 10th grade slut.

I’m like dying of a broken heart. So checking your magazine for insults uses up some of my valuable time.

Poopsy

Virgin City, USA

(Do you have the big-chested slut’s phone number?—Ed.)

MANY-LEVELED NOSE HUMOR

Q. How do you make a handkerchief dance? A. Put a little boogie in it!

Thank you for your time,

Pinkie L.

Historic Concord, MA

DOWNY FETISH REVEALED!

Here is my list of men that I would like to do laundry for:

1) Pete Townshend

2) Ben Orr

3) Any/all of Duran Duran

4) The drummer of Talk Talk

5) Billy (is my) Idol

6) Richard Butler

7) Adam Ant

Tell ’em, OK? Don’t forget. OK, thanks. Darcy Zee

Where are you from?

(Boy, do you have a filthy mind!—Ed.)

YOUR WISH, OUR COMMAND Please don’t put my name in your magazine. Tracy Lormi San Antonio, TX

GRAMMAR, STYLE AND USAGE Me an my friend need sum jobs really badly. My friend kin write an I kin spell good. So I thought maybe you could lettuce review an LP. Anyone will do. We don’t like nobody. Even if we can’t do that, my friend wants to make a video. Here he is now:

I wanna make a video.

Well, goodbye If wait here’s my friend again: Goodbye!

Mark & Big Dave

Conneaut Lake, PA

WHAT RHYMES WITH “VENGEFUL LEON SPINKS?”

VENEZUELA STINKS!

Dave

Mayaguez, Puerto Rico

WAX BUILD-UP PROBLEMS

Why do a lot of my albums warp? Yeah, that’s right, WARP! I’ll buy an album, bring it home, play it and put it away. Then, a few weeks later, I go back and the damn thing looks like a pretzel and a rubber band mixed. How do I store them? Flat, standing up, or in the freaking garage?

Bad Check Bob

Newark, DE

(The only guaranteed solution to warped records is avoiding discs in any way associated with Kim Fowley or Ozzy Osbourne!—Ed.)

A TRUE CANUCK SPEAKS!

What instrument does Freddie Mercury play in the new Clash? How come nobody pays attention to Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran—he’s better looking than Elmo! How come everybody’s name in rock groups is either Paul or Mick or Lee? Why doesn’t anybody change their name? How can it be that Billy Idol is too pretty for punk, and Joe Strummer is too ugly for CREEM? Sincerely (or not),

Clashenda Jones’ Sister Paul

Toronto, Ont., Can.

(1. Bone-a-phone; 2. Nick is Elmo, and he lives in CREEM’s editorial assistant’s closet; 3. Everyone’s used all the Dicks; 4. Because Darwin was wrong. —Eds.)

HERE’S THE STORY OF A MAN NAMED BRADY...

I just thought that I should inform you that Boy George dances exactly like Marsha Brady, so says my little sister. If I were Boy George, I surely would not go around singing that tune in dark alleys, ’cause I for one wouldn’t mind throwing a brick at that disturbing face of his. Also, have you noticed the striking resemblance between Mick Jagger and Barney Fife? Take a close look next time you see “Waiting On A Friend” on MTV. He looks like he should be strutting down the streets of Mayberry with Aunt Bee instead of Greenwich Village with Keef.

Little Holland Z

Rockford, IL

MAIL FROM CROSSING GUARDS

Stop it!

SLG Fan

SPCAA

Antland, Ca

P.S. That goes for you, too, Ed.

(For those of you that don’t know, SLG stands for Shortsighted Latent Grebes. —Ed.)

EMOTIONAL RESCUE

What I Hate Most About Pete Townshend: What I hate most is his hair. After that, probably his solo albums, particularly his latest, which are just ripped-off Who songs rehashed to earn him more $$$. Then I hate “All The Oldest Rock Stars Write The Dumbest Songs” or whatever the hell it’s called. I also hate his new image.

Mary Jane Rivera

Westminster, CO

WHAT DOES A CAT DO IN THE WOODS?

Did you know most bands are not Catholic, or follow Jesus (not that is matters). Who is Catholic in music? The only one that I know of is Brian Setzer of Stray Cats.

Mary Anne Deakyne

Montclair, NJ

(Check out the Intergalactic Space Force sometime. —Ed.)

GO ASK SATAN!

Where the hell is the inside edge of your album? Colleen Gustin Smalltown, NY

BOWL-ING ADVICE

Remember: pop a prune today!

The Devil’s Children Lansing, MI

PLAYIN’ DA BLUES

Elmo is the blue saxophone player in the Muppets.

Obviously Nothing Better To Do Englewood, NJ (home of Brooke Shields!)

A REAL SICK JOKE

Q. How did herpes get out of the hospital?

A. On crotches!! Ha Ha

#1 AA Fan

Sexperson

Cola, SC

SEND US YOUR POOR, YOUR HUNGRY...

Did David Copperfield really make the Statue Of Liberty disappear, or did he hide it behind Meatloaf?

Jenny Chandon

Dying of Curiosity

In Middle America Mundania

MORE FAN PSYCHEDELIA...

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Another Weirdo From

Chicago, IL

JOE LOOKS WEIRD!

Joe Strummer once looked at me REAL WEIRD!!!

Cacahuette’s Friend

Columbus, OH

HUMAN SEXUAL REPRODUCTION, PT. 96

Guys can’t physically have kids! Neither can Pepsi bottles!

Athena O’Reilly and Lily Moon

Stevens, MI

(Someone please send tissue—I can’t stop these guys from crying! We have to throw all the bottles away now!—Ed.)

LETTER FROM NORMAL HETERO GUY!

Craig Zeller’s review of Eddie Murphy’s album was mucho incorrect. He said that 48 Hours is the first movie that ever did justice to a SNL cast member. Hey Craig, c’mon over to my house for some good video and popcorn; we’ll watch Bill Murray in Caddyshack, Stripes, and Tootsie (I have a bootleg copy). Then we’ll jive to the Blues Bros, and those fat bloated exercises in excess, Neighbors and 1941, all starring Belushi and Akroyd.

So drop by anytime, Craig. I’ll ding Gerry Todd and he’ll bring over some Moosehead and Like. Whaddya say? Don’t worry, this ain’t no plan to jump your bones. I’m just a normal hetero guy.

Kevin Kelly

Dekalb, IL

CARD FROM PIA Z.

Who knows what Zowie Bowie looks like? I’m in love with him even though he is only 11. You know what I like about your magazine? The letters. You ought to publish a magazine with just letters. Someday you’ll thank me for the idea. You can keep all the royalties.

Spider

Richmond, VA

AMERICAN MOTHERS ARE REVOLTING!

You want to hear something embarassing? My mom (age 55) likes the Stray Cats, Robert Gordon and the Blasters.

A Punk In

Bayonne, NJ

You’ll never believe this, but it’s true! My mother likes Kenny Rogers and The Culture Club. Please send me some money so that I can leave the country immediately and not be shamed this way another moment. Thank you.

Yes, I Really Do Want To Hurt You,

Jo

P.J., NY

P.S. My mother probably likes Rick J., too. (Well, it’s good that SOME mother does!—Ed.)

ASK A STOOPID QUESTION, GET A CHECK!

Is there anyone you don’t put down? Who are the writers of this mag? Do they have any friends?

Cathy Jones

New Jersey

(Not even each other!—Ed.)

NO SILLY PSEUDONYM

The other day on my lunch hour, I was sitting at a local Gulp ’N’ Barf noshing away (in a Parke-Davis stupor) on a sludge burger. Meanwhile, in the background, was the usual mindless drone of Muzak. Now, normally my concern during my lunch hour in a crowded cafeteria is to lob back my meal as quickly as possible attempting to numb my senses to any outside stimulus.

You’re not going to believe this (I swear on my copy of Rock & Roll Animal) sandwiched between “Yellow Bird” and “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head,” came the strains (ala Hollyridge Strings) of Lou Reed’s “Heroin” over the Muzak system!

Is nothing sacred to those bastards?! What next—Lawrence Welk plays the Bludgeoned Pigs?

Carol Bignell

New Westminster, Canada

P.S. Notice how I didn’t use some silly pseudonym like most of your readers?

LET’S ALL SING ALONG!

Have you ever seen Joe Strummer?/He’s just so absolutely cool/When they print his picture anywhere/It’s enough to make ya’ drool/He’s got the greatest vocal style/His band is great too /But some insensitive people/Make fun of him, that’s true!

Marilyn Curtis Hollywood, CA

Runaways, Runaways, queens of noise/ Drank, swore and sweated/Just like the boys/ Japan loved ’em/Why couldn’t we?/I guess America was too blind to see.

Jenny Walborn

Harrisburg, PA

Out there in Boston, there’s a group who rules /Not made up of capitalist fools/They’re the brave talented men who dare/Who love blues riffs and long, long hair/They take me on trips, out way past Mars/But who are these intense rock stars?.. .1 looked for toys in my attic, I found rocks in the ruts/(I’d love to be a groupie, but I hear they’re all sluts).

Alice Tallerica

Hackensack, NJ

We love Asia/Yeah we do!/We’ll be loyal/ We’ll be true/Only to you!/ Kathleen loves Carl Palmer/She want his body right away!/She’ll suck face and give him head night and day!/ Tina wants Geoff Downes/After she’s through with him, he won’t be “Downes”/He’ll be “ups” and follow her to all towns!

Kathleen & Tina

Missouri City, TX

GLENDA SPEAKS

I had originally hoped to place this article in the local paper, but they were using their own reporters' versions. Upon sharing it with the Editor. I was offered a position with them, but I have been with High Plains Publishing for 2 years, and therefore did not accept.

Thank you for the opportunity of sharing this and I will await your reply.

Glenda

Dodge City, KS vf