ARCADE DOs & DON'Ts A Guide To Gaming Protocol

ARCADE DOs & DON'Ts A Guide To Gaming Protocol

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MARK J. NORTON

With the coming of the New Electronic age, we must deal with an entirely revamped moral code. A New Etiquette. Arcades have replaced the high school dance, videogames have replaced pinball, the times are changin', blah blah blah. If you spend any of your leisure hours stuffing quarters into machines at vid parlors, you must still deal with members of the human race. You must never forget your manners.

Before heading for your local arcade, take a long look in the mirror. Are your clothes neatly pressed? Is your hair parted handsomely? Are there any unsightly fhingies hanging out of your nose? Remember: don't offend any of your fellow gamers with an unkempt appearance! If you're a slob, keep out of sight. Nobody needs another jerk like you to look at!

When you enter the arcade, don't push and shove your way to the front of the token line. There's never, ever a shortage of tokens. Besides, people get upset when they're shoved around, and it's very difficult to manipulate a joystick in a full body cast.

Don't throw your money at the arcade attendant. Place your money carefully in his hand—and when he gives you the tokens, thank him profusely. He may be having a rough day because the oil pump

on his car broke down, or his wife divorced him last week, or his kid's got the mumps and his dog died. You can never tell. Put yourself in his place: there you are, having the time of your life playing games and talking to members of the opposite sex.. .while he's caged in behind the counter, earning minimum wage. Always remember—a little consideration goes a long way.

Since the arcade is bound to be crowded by the time you arrive, negotiate your path to your favorite game the way you wish others would . This is definitely the wrong ti me to practice your open-field blocking

techniques. You'll be in tight quarters, so always say "excuse me" when gently brushing past people engaged in a game or waiting to play. Never punch, kick, gouge, spit, machine gun, tear gas, nuke or drop napalm on a gamer blocking your path. If you do, you can be sure you'll never win the Miss Congeniality Award, and your mother will be ashamed to admit she "whelped" you.

When waiting to play a game, don't distract the person occupying it. Never throw spit balls, pens, shoes, ashtrays, ducks, knives, pictures of Shelley Duvall, kisses, up, blunt objects, chairs, people, books, pizzas or carnivorous weasels. These are considered uncivilized methods of clearing people from games. Remember, Retardina, patience is a virtue.

If the person appears to be hogging the machine, however, it's entirely proper to let the offensive party know he's committing a serious social aberration. There are many methods of displaying your displeasure with the video pig tactfully.

The most obvious method is applying a size 10 to the left buttock of the pigdog. When he turns around to see who kicked him where-his-head's-been-all-his-life, smile and ask if he'd like some free dental work. This ploy is highly recommended for professional football players, boxers and construction workers.

But if the video pig is a big video pig, call upon your natural wit and cunning. If he appears to be a punk rock geek, run up behind him and shout, "Clash tickets just went on salei," or if he's a metal mutt, shout "Judas Priest tickets are on sale!" If he's that "other" type, God forbid, you might want to engage "him" in a discussion on the relative merits of Quentin Crisp's literary career. Or you can always use your head.

There are times when none of these methods will work. The pig might be deaf, or just too engrossed in the game to acknowledge your ranting and ravings. When this happens, you'll feel a sense of desolation flood your body. Your pulse will slow down. Your hands will tremble and tears will well up in your eyes. You'll want to put your fist through the nearest window. It will be the most traumatic moment of your life.

But one must never display their negative emotions at an arcade. It's rude to cry, scream, convulse, blow chunks or strangle babies. If you find yourself over-emotional when denied the pleasure of playing your favorite game, leave the arcade immediately and go directly to the psychiatric ward of the nearest hospital where they'll charge you thousands of dollars to tell you you're completely crazy, there's absolutely no hope and that the rest of your life'll be so miserable you might as well jump off a tall building. The cure is so simple, don't you agree?

When actually playing a game, remember there are "others" next to you. Just because you're scoring higher than you ever have before is no excuse to ruin everyone else's good time by swearing! Many ignorant players, unaware they're on Earth, utter terrible phrases when vidgaming. This is truly awful!

If you hear someone using foul language, at the arcade oranywhere else, ask if they know what they're saying, ask them if they'd mind not using those frankly disgusting words. Usually, the offender will cool it. If they continue, report them to the manager of the arcade. It's your responsibility as a respectable citizen.

Playing at the arcade can often be very exciting. And when a person is in an excited state, they "forget" certain things. Like where they're standing.

Some video jockeys insist on practically dancing when engaged in a game: they think by using body English they can somehow improve their score. Which just isn't so. Be considerate of thy neighbor, brother, for he may rip thine lungs out.

Smoking can be a big nuisance at the arcade. Unfortunately, there isn't much one can do about it. The machines themselves promote smoking, by having an ashtray built into the side of them. It's really dumb when you think about it—a player lights a cigarette, takes a few puffs, sets it in the ashtray, and the smoke then wafts into the adjacent player's face. If the smoke stings his eyes when he's concentrating, it's literally game over.

This wouldn't sit too well with a serious, non-smoking player, but it's no cause for a violent confrontation. If the player's cigarette next to you is causing you to blow your game, wait until he finishes his round, then simply explain that his smoking is making you sick. Be polite, though. Just because the smoker will eventually get emphysema and be attached to an iron lung for the rest of his life, spend all his life savings at the hospital where no one will visit him and nurses will make fun of him, is no reason to be rude. You're far too erudite to cause a scene, don't you agree?

Video arcades aren't just for playing— they're for watching people play also. When a gamer's setting a new arcade record on a tough game, it's indeed thrilling to be part of the action. But don't scream in the player's ear, bump into him ask for a light for your cigarette or say "E.F. Hutton says..." Keep a respectful distance. If you happen to distract him to the extent of ruining his game, exif fhe arcade immediately—or you may be instantly transformed into a punching bag. As they say, pain hurts.

All in all, arcades are fun-filled places for young and old. A little common sense will keep it that way.