ARCADE MACHO PICK UP OR SHUT UP

ARCADE MACHO PICK UP OR SHUT UP

FEATURES

MARK J. NORTON

Ever got into a fight over a girl? Sure you have! As a red-blooded American guy, would you stoop to wimpdom by allowing some geek to steal your girl without a bloodletting fight? Of course not! Whether on the dance floor, football field, street or arcade we are fighting for but one thing: Women!

Women are the only motivational factor-in a Man's life. Next to videogaming, cars, whiskey, football, fishing, soldiering, hunting and sailing, that is. And, pray tell, if there were no women to show off to, then what's the point?

Therefore you won't want to set foot in an arcade without a few lessons in manly comportment of the videogaming kind. Obviously, the breed of woman you'll find common in these garbage disposals for quarters play for keeps. And, obviously, there are other "men" who claim our sex as theirs. Despite their prowess at these interesting and undoubtedly manly games, many fit the definition of "wimp"—which is to be avoided at any cost, no matter how ridiculous. Would you do battle with the L.A. Raiders in a punk rock hair-c/o (not cut) and a pocket calculator strapped to you imitation leather belt that holds up you spandex pants? Of course not! Take your pick: Manhood or wimpdom.

Read Sylvia Plath, Judith Krantz or W.H. Auden? Over Robert Mitchum's dead body! Drink pina coladas? Seek the Duke's stomach and burp it! Cry over a dead rock star? To quote Josie Cotton, "Johnny Are You Queer?" As far as Men are concerned, Charles Olson is a lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, right?

Fact: all women love the smell of success. The more money you've got— or the higher the score—the better. Wonder never again why you see ugly old men with ungodly beautiful, sexy, voluptuous women. The deck is stacked—and if you're on the winning side, so are the women.

The only reason to go to the arcade, of course, is to meet girls. Can you honestly admit you enjoy spending every cent you've got at the arcade when, by applying a few rules of business horsesense, you can own your fave game for home use? No, you can't. Say it loud, say it proud: Girls Are Great!!

All right, men, the first lesson commences., .let's discuss what Real Men Do Not Wear To Arcades. Real men do not wear:

1) Pink Lacoste shirts. If you're a preppie, that's entirely your own problem. Remember pink = Wimp. Any other color's acceptable. But if you really want to be a sex symbol—and what Man doesn't?—buy a VIDIOT t-shirt,

2) Designer leans. Would John Wayne wear 'em? Naw, the Duke'd don nuthin' fancier than Levi's. And his word's law, right?

3) Top siders. Hey, you can't even run in the damn things. Any sort of tennis, basketball, jogging, all-around athletic shoe is In, Converse All-Stars being the coolest. All boots are manly (except the kind that feature the bags-at-the-ankle look which is strictly new wave/punk rock /erk-like), and cowboy boots are obviously the best way to get your point across. Or up.

Before heading out for an afternoon of hopeful arcade fun, take a gander in front of the mirror. Any of your lunch still between your teeth? Scrub 'em again, sailor. There's nothing on earth that'll turn off all the little women quicker than mungmouth. Take a quick whiff o' the pits to make sure they're just so. Also, remove any gold chains, punk rock t-shirts and scarves. They aren't manly.

When entering the arcade, strut around the joint with your hands thrust deep in your pockets with an impervious scowl on your face. No, you don't own the place, but remember the law of Supply and Demand: I demand that you supply me with as many women as I desire! You gotta let the girls know who's boss, plain and direct.

Before playing your first round of, say, Robotron, you might want to buy a soft drink. How you drink the soda is far more important than what brand. Grasp the can firmly in the palm of your hand, fingers wrapped completely around it. Before taking the first swig, catch the eye of the hottest babe. As you lift the can to your lips (elbow bent 90°) propose a toast in her honor: Here's lookin' "at" you! Eyes locked in, throw your head back and empty half the contents down your gullet. Lowering the can, smile at her, then burp loudly. This is essential for your initial introduction. She'll feel that inner glow of security knowing that a Real Man is present. Then...

Walk away. There's plenty o' fish in the video sea. Besides, it'll be at least an hour before that girl will be coherent enough to start worshipping you. Always remember it's your moral obligation as an American Man to hit on as many females as possible.

One popular method of picking up girls at the arcade is by zeroing in on a filly having difficulty on your favorite game. Stride over after she's blown the game a few times and say "Havin' a rough go at it, dollface? Lemme show ya the ropes." Proceed to explain the intricacies and finer points of the game. Be polite but firm. After explaining, drop a token into the slot, and then "coach" her. After she triples her original score, you can bet it'll be Suckface City from there on in!

Let's reiterate a fact: good women are worth fighting for. If you spot some Elmo employing the aforementioned method, sidle up next to the non-couple, tap the jerk on the shoulder and say "Excuse me, cupcake, your mother says it's time for your Ovaltine and beddie-bye!" The idea, manly reader, is to simply embarrass the worm enough so he'll be forced to crawl back under the rock from whence he came. Use your lurid imagination. Occasionally, however, the breezebrain will miss the point: stronger medicine must be administered. This

Zero In on a filly having difficulty on your favorite game. doctor prescribes (delivered in the loudest voice possible): "When did they let YOU out of the TERMINAL HERPES WARD!?!" Once he's on all fours, headed for the door, it's a mere skate to the desired goal. It's not really all that fair, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

In some instances, you may even be able to play fair. Let's assume there's a lustful lovely gazing on some dope racking up points on a game you know you can stomp the snot out of him on. Walk over, tap Percy on the shoulder and challenge him to a duel, winner (nod toward the babe) take all. The girl will be flattered that two men are going to duel over her—it's an old trick that works every time. The only trick here's not only do you have to beat the sap, ya gotta beat him bad. Show what a worthless sleazebag he really is.

If you're really smart, before even challenging the bozo, hip your buddies to what you're gonna do. Tell them that after you demolish the sucker at the game, you want one guy to approach the Big Loser and say, "Let meeee be the first to kick you when you're down: maybe you need a pair o' granny glasses!"

Have your second pal say, "Don't worry—I hear they're making a braille version of that game!" Your third and final friend should say something like, "Please don't cry out here—go in the little girls' room!" And you, the Cool Winner, should turn to your new prize and ask, "Wanna hop in my van and listen to the new Rush album?" Guaranteed to work every time! I