MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O. Box P-1064

Birmingham, Ml 48012

THRU BEING COOL

This letter is in response to Lisa and Wade’s letter to you in the Jan. issue of CREEM.

I was rather outraged, to say the least, at the crude, vulgar and utterly tasteless remarks they made concerning the Who and th—(OK, that’s it! We’ve been telling you guys for three issues now, NO MORE WHO LETTERS! Told you, told you and told you. So what do we get in the mail every day? 50 more Who letters, that’s what! There’s NOTHING left to say about reviewer Gregg Turner, his nationality, ethnic persuasion, possible avowed homosexuality, and the size, origin, or actual existence of his sex organ[s]. NOTHING! Are you listening? From now on, all Who letters will be turned over directly to the proper authorities (The Wayne County Home For The Criminally Stoopid) with the recommendation to prosecute, badger, embarrass or just plain stomp the writing hand of the letter writer. Sorry, chumps, but don’t say you weren’t warned! And now, back to the letter, already in progress. —Ed.) Incidentally I happen to love black licorice and 1 think it’s cute that Rog does too!

Dina

Detroit, MI

DOESN’T WANT TO BE BOBBY’S GIRL

Perhaps Robert Christgau ought to become acquainted with facts before he makes uninformed comments such as those at the end of his Stray Cats Built For Speed review in the Feb. ’83 issue. The fact is, those “white boys who strive for authenticity” obviously know more

about cars than Christgau. It just so happens that in 1957, Chevrolet introduced the 283 cubic inch V-8 engine, it also listed fuel injection as an option. Since you people are not too far from Detroit, call up Chevrolet and find out for yourself.

Not only that, but I fail to see what being white has to do with people striving for authenticity. Speaking of authenticity, Mr. Christgau obviously just decides to write whatever pops into his mind, so how do we know he even knows anything about music?

Andrew McDonald Hell, MI

(How DO we know?—Ed.)

TIME OUT FOR SCIENCE

If voodoo works, Steve Perry is in extreme pain right now.

Exquisitely Bored Portland, OR

GOOD HIT, NO FIELD

Did you know Meltzer included 32 sets of parenthesis in his Hendrix review?

David Marr Chicago, II

NYAHNYAHNYAH

I bought my first issue of CREEM in Oct. ’81, because it had VH and Squier on the front and they are alright. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life; I put my name and address on a CREEM subscription slip. (Sucker!—Ed.) I wish I had bothered to read that first issue more carefully. (Not us!—Ed.) I realized my three-yr-old cousin could write a better story than you shitheads. You guys should all go back to school and at least finish the third grade before you try to write another story on the Who. I mean, what’s with this comedy shit? Everyone doesn’t have to try to be a comedian. A serious story would get read a lot more than the crap you guys write. You should try sometime, I know you would win a lot of customers, including myself, back.

Very Disappointed Kansas City, KS

P.S. I think you guys should allow yourself more time it come down off your acid trips before you try to review an album.

P.S.S. Whoever said CREEM is America’s only rock ’n’ roll magazine should be shot.

(We gave your $20 to our patronage czar, Jack Kronk, who bought a Michigan lottery ticket with it and won TWO MILLION DOLLARS! He’s now looking into the possibility of BUYING Kansas City, KS. —Ed.)

D.L. ROTH TO JOIN JOURNEY?

Q: What is Steve Perry’s belly button for?

A: A place for David Lee Roth to spit his gum out on the way down!

Now, isn’t that funny?!

Renae Townshend Whittier, CA

(Cockroaches... bathtubs... bowling balls. —Ed.)

MADE UP LETTER

This letter is just to test to see if all of those letters of praise I have read in the past issues are written by the Editor or genuine. If they’re real, I expect to read this in your letter column soon. Also, please cut out some of the new wave garbage and do more groups like the Stones, Who, Hendrix, etc.

Unknown Stones Fan Miami, FL (Zzzzzzzzz.—Ed.)

READER INSIGHT

Pat Benatar really shows off her personality on her new album, wouldn’t you say?

HUT

Reno, NV

PRIVATE JOKE

You can bet that if Sting was kissing my breastS7l wouldn’t just lie there!

Patty’s alter ego Berwyn, IL -(BER-wyn?!—Ed.) ,

MIXED UP, SHOOK UP GIRL I’m probably the only woman in the world who had Paul Simonon put his arm around me and wished it was Joe the entire time. ’sigh* Wishing I was in London and it was 1977,

Cat .

At Large, USA

(We wish you were in London too, but no deal on 1977.-Ed.)

ENOUGH ENOtiGH?

I have a question. Who the hell is Elmo???? Everytime I read the letters in your mag, all I see is Elmo, Elmo, Elmo! Really now, I think enough is enough! No more Elmo!

Total Rock ’N’ Roller Long Island , NY

USELESS ACTIVITY Did you ever read, the inside edges of your albums? Do you know that sometimes there are little messages on them? Well, there are.

For example: on the Clash set, Sadinista, it says “in space no one can hear you clash!” And on London Calling it says, “the walls.” And oh my brother’s Adam and the Ants album, it says “Have you found the lost Hawaiians?” Isn’t that thrilling? Aren’t you a better person for knowing that?

Judy Jetson

Uniontown, PA

(Fish:.. Barrels... Shotguns... Ed.)

BLOTTO MOTTO

What the hell does this motto mean, “sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll”?' I mean, everybody, whether they like rock, country, soul, jazz or western has sex. And the whole fuckin’ world is high on LSD hot because they listened to the latest by Van Halen, but because they WANT to do the shit!

Now I’ve had my say.

Miss Unknown

Farmville, VA

START HERE

...I also like your eyes, nose, lips, teeth, fingers, thighs, and other unprintable things.

Oh, Joe, remember me? The lady in the black leather pants? Well, the next time you come to Pittsburgh, I’ll show you a better place to go. Etc.

Steve Tyler—I’m mad at you. Do you care? ,

Jon Brandt—I still love you! Maybe I’ll send you a letter someday!

I don’t care, but I’m just curious. Are any of the Stray Cats faggots?

I’ve seen you print some senseless letters, but this letter is definitely worth printing. Maybe some people will learn a lot from it!

Sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll forever,

Cheri

The Best Damn Groupie In Pittsburgh!

(Best damn groupie in Pittsburgh?! How manyleveledl—Ed.)

THE HARDER THEY’RE WHIPPED

WHAT IS THIS??! Subfle/sexual brainwash time??—i.e. the commercial on the radio for Nestles’ $100,000 bars—“If you can’t beat ’em, eat ’em!” (Rick Johnson take note).

Golly,

Flaying With The Devil (a female)

Smash City Mocker

p.s. Notice in the CREEM closet ad, pick B and pick H have people with HEADBANDS ON (print this, chickenshit) and you can even buy the one with the huge, red letters C-R-E-E-M on it!!!!(orgasms, orgasms!!) -

P.F.S.If England is so musically “informed,” how come Iron'Maiden are headliners there but not in the States?

P.P.P.S. Where is Sable Starr today? P.P.P.P.S. Are Eds. as horny as teenaged girls?

l)England is musically “deformed!” 2)Sable Starr is a knob:dipper at a furniture factory! 3)Eds are agrisexuals who are excited only by wheat!—Ed.)

AUTHENTIC BAD JOKE

How’d yoii like to hear an authentic Paul Simonon joke? “Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To have a ball!” (hee, hee, hee!) Pointlessly yours,

Maria

Mansfield, OH

WHAT A SCAMPI

Did you know David Lee Roth has dyslexia and is taking flute lessons at the School of Performing Arts?

The Kid

Elliot Lake ,

Ontario, Canada

(FLUTE lessons? Haw, haw — we get it!— Ed.)

SECRET OF LIFE EXPOSED!

Have any of you ever noticed that Sarah Tucker is white and she advertises Cream Whip and Bill Cosby is black and he advertises Jello Instant Chocolate Pudding?

Melissa Hastings San Jose, CA

WHAT IS WAKE UP”?

When are you guys gonna wake up and realize The Dauph is one fuckin’ good writer? Man, the guy is superb! His article on Poltergeist was hysterical! Paul Williams with a wig on blotter acid! You can’t top shit like that. Why waste such a good writer on trivial movie reviews? Truly the Dauph is Rick Johnson’s equal. Every mag I pick up, the Dauph is who I look forward to. W'T

Last month, the Dauph was nowhere to be seen! I almost puked and threw up at the same time. Rick J., Rick J., just because the guy has taken every drug mentioned and in every possible way doesn’t allow him to do practically the whole issue.

Concerned Reader San Jose, CA

WHO, FRIED EGGS LINKED!

Pete Townshend ate THREE chocolate HOSTESS donuts while devouring a fried egg SUNNY-SIDE-UP and actually washed it down his extremely sexy esophogas with—get this —PERRIER on the beautiful morning of March 27, 1972. AREN’T YOU THRILLED???? (sigh)

“Bunker” Hill Bethesda, MD

(Ducks. ..suitcases... bazookas. —Ed.)

OLDEST PROFESSION

All right, all right, I’ve heard some bad news about Blondie, but this does it! I’m now holding in my hand a picture of Debbie Harry and chris stein (he’s too low for me to be using capital letters in his name). It was taken in 1977 and Debbie looks about 10 months pregnant. I’ve always hated chris stein, but now I loathe him. But anyway, my question is, “WHERE IS THE BABY?!?”

If you print this letter, you can sign me up for another year’s subscription.

Michael Van Steelant St. Clair Shores, MI (Forget it!—Ed.)

MOM & DAD, JUDAS PRIEST LINKED!

As I went grocery shopping with my Mom and Dad one evening, I went by the magazine stand in the store and bought myself my very first CREEM magazine. I never knew that CREEM existed before. For sure, I enjoyed looking at the photos and reading the articles. Especially on page 39 (Judas Priest).

I do know one thing—you are the rock ’n’ roll information magazine that I am going to buy from now on.

Lora

Highland, IN

(You forgot to put in the part where you buy the subscription. — Ed.)

ORIGINAL ONE ACT PLAY

—Hey, Wag, when was the last time you saw an article on Van Halen in CREEM?

—Gee Loew, I can’t remember anything before Tuesday. What do you think, Wren? —Huh, Van Halen?

--Hey gang, here’s the September issue of CREEM. It was pretty good.

—Yeah, Loew, I’ve only read it 36 times. —Wren, do you think we should write a letter to CREEM, and ask for another Van Halen article?

—Hey, does anyone have a pen?

-Huh? Pen? -' surviving in suburbia,

Wag, Loew, and Wren New York, New York

THINKS VAN HALEN ARE FAIR”

I just want to say, no matter what anyone else says, I’m Van Halen’s biggest fan. I have every album of theirs, all their song books, all their tourbooks, a Van Halen hat, bumper stickers, necklace, calendars all of Van Halen.

I also have 22 eight-by-ten pictures of them plus two posters, five centerfolds and a total of 110 picfures in all other sizes. I have a 50 page scrapbook all on VH. I live, eat and breathe Van Halen. I celebrate their birthdays and I’m not the slightest bit jealous of Valerie Bertinelli.

I LOVE THEM ALL!!

M.I.

Deer Park, NY ,

NEEDS ACCOUNTANT

I think I’m the #1 Van Halen fan because I have nine posters (two I made especially myself) & five large photos. I have eight photo albums, four of DLR, three of Eddie, one of Alex and one of Mike. I also have all five albums, four jerseys, and three shirts which five of them are from the concerts. I’ve went to every concert: the Diver Down tour 1982 I had backstage passes for all three nights and one of the tourbooks was signed by all of them. I have the VH necklaces too (14k & SS), seven bumper stickers, three patches, I’m in the fan club and had two poster pictures made* one drawn by a friend and one painted by a professional, and that cost me $250: So sojry, just this year I’ve spent $837.27 on VH merchandise.

DLC a/k/a Animal

Rowland Heights, CA (You are also totally useless!—Ed.)

LIKES DEAD PEOPLE

I just read your last issue and I saw a letter from a girl who was David Lee Roth’s *1 fan. Well, she does sound like she is. But I’ve got to say—I’m Jim Morrison’s *1 fan.

Here’s my turn to show off: I’ve got nine posters of Jim, six buttons, a framed picture, a magazine about him, a patch of the Doors, three shirts and every single album they ever made. I also have his poetry album and the book that was written about Jim and the Doors. I spent . over $100 on him.

To top it all off, I have TWO jean jackets with his picture on the back plus pictures of live concert appearances (which cost me a bundle). I also have the video of the tribute to him.

I have one more thing to say: JIM MORRISON LIVES!!!

Dina Crucitti

Peekskill, NY

(Exactly how much is a “bundle”?—Ed.)

PROMISES, PROMISES

Alright, Vomiting Profusely in San Jose!!! You sound like vomit. Your letter was OK or nothing at all until you mentioned the word “Mick” as referring to Mick Jagger. I betcha didn’t think the World’s Biggest Rolling Stones Freak would read that, did.you?

I have all the Stones’ albums excepf Metamorphosis and December’s Children. That collection includes over 40 bootlegs and a $60 picture disc and most of their 38 singles (“Cocksucker Blues” was unreleased) so it’s 37 singles really. I have 192, that’s right 192, Rolling Stones pins plus some Sabbath, Floyd and Zep buttons too.

I also have 29 books about the Rolling Stones (thick ones), five or six of them are illustrated lyrics books. My room should be on Real People. “Attack of the Stones” would be appropriate. I have all their bumper stickers, movie posters and, speaking of posters, it’s like wall-towall Mick. When I’m 18, a legal adult (if I’m still alive—I’m commiting SUICIDE the same day Mick dies—seriously too!), I’m getting my last name changed to Jagger. I also have 19 eightby-tens of the Stones, plus their autographs (except Keith and Ron’s).

Plus, I have a silk/satin five-by-three foot banner of the Stones and a Bianca Jagger dartboard. I dressed like Mick (the flag & all) at school, and on stage (in front of my school) sang “Under My Thumb.” I drdSs like him on every Halloween and sometimes at Stones concerts too. I send him a birthday card every year and he gets a letter from me on every occasion.

I could go on and on, but I don’t' think CREEM has enough room in their mail section for it. I hope you print every word I have written—and that suicide promise is NO LIE—mark i my words.

Dot Jagger

Virginia Beach, VA

(Exactly what would it take to convince you Mick is dead?—Ed.)

DON KIRSHNER?

I just wanted to tell you that I’m the most devoted Clash fan ever. I have eight posters, 24 pictures, five T-shirts, zillions of buttons and so far I’ve spent $368.35 this year on the Clash. I even have a piece of gum Paul spit out arid a Kleenex used by Joe’s mother’s hairdresser. I own every album they ever made (and some they didn’t) and I know all the words to all their songs frontwards, backwards and in Spanish and Hebrew. Mr. R. Meltzer didn’t say that Joe is a Libra, that Mick’s birthday is on June 26, that Paul watches old Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert reruns and other irrelevant stuff. Oh, 1 could go on and on...What? This isn’t Teen magazine? Oh, I’m so sorry. In that case, send me back my Kleenex.

Suzie Brainwash

Mediocrity, USA

P S. It’s a joke, sort of.

REPRODUCED INTACT

I would like to give this one to “eve of the east.”

OK, bitch, I read your letter about TED NUDGET and I think it sucks! If I were you, I’d shut the fuGk up. Nudget is far better than Adam. He’s sorry and ugly too!!

If you love him so much do us all a favor and keep the asshole to yourself. Adam doesn’t know the first thing about music, that is, if you call that music. He can’t sing either.

I’m surprised Nudget was seen with that cocksucker.

If you think Nudget isn’t goog enough to smell one of Adam’s farts, you’re wrong because Adam isn’t goog enough to kiss Nudget’s ass. NOW GO PLAY WITH YOURSELF!

Nudget 4 ever!

Nudget Lover

Wayne, MI

P.S. I wish you’d give your address so I could tell you off to your fuckin’ face.

P.S.S. I don’t want no stupid ass comment after this either.

(Why? Aren’t we goog enough?—Ed.)

“PARANOID” CRAZY?

For a lonely chick like myself, your magazine is a godsend. Very often shy, not too attractive, smart kids look for solace in things that they • cannot find in other high school students. Some turn to drugs, some to books, some to .running away, some to the electric guitar, some to music —and a, few to suicide. Though I have often found asylum in drugs, books, and the magic of the guitar, I have found freedom in music the most. I have devoted myself to the study of it. Mostly I enjoy the Yardbirds, Clapton, Beck, the Doors, the Airplane, Steppenwolf—etc. When your parents scream and threaten to disown you; when your “friends” decide they don’t like hippies and use you for your connections; when your teachers think you live in the Village; when short haired kids whisper as you wal) by, then it is time to retreat into the world of music. There, only there, are you beautiful and brilliant. You feel emotions as they were meant to be perceived: sadness, such as in the Stones’ “Angie”; crazy, such as Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid”; depressed, as in the Doors’ “The End”; passionate, such as Derek and the Dominoes’ “Layla”; and,finally, magical," as in Aerosmith’s “Dr^am On” You don’t need to distort your pTire emotions: feelings are never wrong, you know. Why not plunge into the sweet innocence of . music where you are simply your own dreamy self, where no one can attack you, where you are safe. I am not an advocate of drugs, T.M., or therapy. I am an advocate of Transcendental Music—where you exist as the Perfect Being. You are too, the reader, the reporter, and the photographer—all are worshippers of one oLthe most beautiful arts of them all. So thank you, CREEM, for helping me down this sad life, for cheering me, and for clearing my mind of drug use. One .cannot truly escape—with drugs you run and run, but you always come right back to where you started from—you run in pl^ce. Until you finally collapse.

Listen to some tunes instead.

Always,

Cristalle

Hackensack, NJ (Later, slits wrists. — Ed.)

YOU'RE WELCOME!

You totally suck! The reason we say this is because since 1977, your magazine has not only criticized, but practically shot down every fine band and called almost every person in rock a homosexual. Thanks for nothing.

Leah & Skip

Irving TX

(Could you please forward to us a list of the ones we haven’t called homosexuals?— Ed.)

CAT MUSIC FOR SEX PEOPLE?

I’m worried (not really). In the Stray Cats song,. “Stray Cat Strut,” Setzer sings, “I got cat class, and I got cat style.” I hope this isn’t gonna turn out anything like ant people! Soon there may be cat people, wearing cat clothes. Question.. Will they eat cat food? Also, I’d just like to say, lciy off Rolling Stone! I like it! You may have better captions, but they’re working on it! Besides, news-wise they’re years ahead of you. It needed to be said.

Jeinne Delfs

Dysart “Party T^own”, IA (You were a real riot before you got killed by that truck.—Ed.)