CONFESSIONS OF A FILM FOX

CONFESSIONS OF A FILM FOX

DEPARTMENTS

Since Dauphin was allowed to vent his spleen wjth Ten Worst , Monies of ’82, la belle Fox has ^decided to do Tinseltown her way, with the Ten Most Happenin’

Dudes and Chicks Awards for ’82. Without further ado...

CHICKS

1. Joan Collins. Queen bee of the smoldering vixens; Joansie’s overcome her sleaze starlet image to reign triumphantly over the whole field of mammary glands. None of these girlies will be able to come close to Collins’ white-hot combo of looks, razor-sharp wit and Blackglama lifestyle for years to come.

2. Christie Birinldey. Victoria Principal, them thar hills and Vic Tanny aside, it’s Christie who has the most incredible body of the whole pack of models/actresses. Jane Fonda thighs? CB may turn out to be a flop in films, but she could outwrestle Cybill Shepherd, and that ain’t hay...

3.Brooke Shields. Brooke deserves a niche on anybody’s list of beauteous females, even this Fox’s, but we must note that the admittedly-lovely teen must develop some personality before she’ll be able to leap from her successful modeling career to a solid place in the acting world. Brooke’s face is as still and shallow as the puddle under Rick Johnson’s desk; she’ll have to cultivate some heavy-duty romances a la Collins and start living it up or she’ll become the Ali MacGraw of the ’80s...

4. Debra Winger.pK, OK, guys—we chicks can’t see just what it is about Debra (dumb-dumb spelling!) that drives men wild. I mean, she doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup in Urban Cowboy! Debra seems like the kind of girl you’d like to take into your home and give a hankie to wipe her nose. “She wants to do it,” screams one malecritic, “She’s just really cute, like the girl next door,”' howls another. So howzabout June Allyson, boys??

5. Jane Seymdur.

Motherhood hasn’t dimmed the sloe-eyed Jane’s appeal; she appeared recently on a JoanRivers-hosted Tonight Show wearing a cream-colored miniskirt ensemble that left all males present speechless. Jane has the acting versatility to play a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader or a demure Victorian lady in SoTnewhere In Time.

6.Rachel Ward. A Britisher like Seymour, Rachel has the sort of creamy English complexion Elizabeth Arden just can’t put in a bottle. Tall and leggy, Rachel modeled before she broke into acting, but unlike her model biz sisters, Rachel has the stuff to succeed; an appealingly husky voice and a sprightly, Brit Planner.

7. Morgan Fairchild. What sets Morgan off from being just another myopic blonde with spindle-thin shanks is her scholar’s j knowledge of female pulchritude ^ throughout the ages. Morgie takes J her cheesecake seriously; she’s _ £ studied Monroe, Dietrich, Turner, l etc., and has brought high-gjoss glamour and incredibly teased hair back in favor for the femme fatales of the world.

8. Jessica Lange. Jack Nicholson said it best when he described JL as “a cross between a fawn and a Buick.” “Not beautiful, but cute,” quip our male cohorts. Can chop wood; from Minnesota; taller than* most men.

9. Victoria Principal. Definitely a hot patootie; Vicki’s just been overshadowed by her curvaceous sisters as far as newsworthiness.. .that is, until the spring Vic Tanny ads turn up on our screens. Vicki’s gonna have to do some heavy exercising to keep her massive chest airbourne in the coming, sag-prone yeairs, but so far, so good, eh guys?

10. Meryl Streep. Poor Meryl, the press always mentions her “offbeat beauty,” causing Meryl to stammer, in interviews, that of course she doesn’t think she’s beautiful, she’s hideous, but what the heck? C’mon, we’ll screen some Babs Streisarid movies for all the boys in the press who keep fixating on Meryl’s patrician nose. So would you throw her out of bed? Would you? Wimp!

DUDES

1. Richard Gere. It may only be for this year, but Gere has caught the hearts of the female movie-going public for the time being with Officer And A Gentleman. Guys complain that he looks like a weasel and “would beat you up!” but we girls know better. Dumb but sexy in the Paul Newman tradition...

2. William Hurt. Who wouida thunk that a big, boring WASP would make the Hottest Dudes> list, a year or so ago? Well, as the De Niros and Pacinos have gotten paunchy and worn out their welcome, guys like Bill Hurt have arrived to play tall, suffering blond men who wear Shetland sweaters and Top-Siders and can offer a " weary female a broad, amiable shoulder to lean on...

3. Sting. Now a full-fledged movie actor, Sting-boy has that ineffable limey charm. Now if he’d only wash those grotty army fatigue pants, or pull them up, or something!

4. Matt Dillon. Definitely the up-and-comer among the younger females, Matt is already the subject

of a Matt Dillon Film Festival by one of the cable networks. So far he’s the Brooke Shields of the male contingent, showing about as much emotion as Troy Donahue in his heyday, but what the heck? Maybe they’ll do a remake of My Blood Runs Cold with Mattie and Brooke.

5. Christopher Walken. He’s getting a mite older, but Walken has the evil WASP down pat—no William Hurt puppydog angst herer Walken’s a full-fledged psycho who nevertheless has a magnetic appeal for women. His Pennies From Heaven strip lived up to all the nyp^■■■ David McGoggh/DMl

6.Dustin Hoffman. Out of a dress, Dusty’s gotten better looking as he’s aged; common among his type of male, the cute monster. Hoffman has the sort of oddball charm Woody AllenVhinks he’s made a career out of...

7.Harrison Ford. Just a noholds-barred beautiful man, with the added bonus of a crisp, sardonic acting style.

8. Timothy Hntton. Young Tim’s got his father’s Ivy League good looks but has the added twist of strangeness; there seems to be a broad streak of weirdness in the lad that helps in his portrayal of teen psychos. Might be hard to grow out of, unless he takes over the Christopher Walken roles...

9. Dudley Moore. Men still complain about his height, but women know all about the superior maneuverability of the diminutive male. They can do things tall boys can’t; in other words... Dudley understands that sex is hilarious, and proceeds accordingly. Females of all sizes react accordingly...

10.Tom Selleck. A common male complaint about Selleck is that he’s like all the dumb blonde Loni Anderson type women have been suffering about for years. All we femmes can say to that is: excuuuuse us! Any female who claims she’d rather fool around with Woody Allen than Tom-boy is asking to be drummed out of our sex for good!