ROCK '82: TOTAL PALOOK AVILLE

ROCK '82: TOTAL PALOOK AVILLE

Does anyone, at this late date (10:27 AM EST), remember 1982? Don’t feel bad—neither do we! It was definitely One Of Those Years: The Who pulled off the first of what will probably be annual farewell tours; planes crashed; wars occurred; the world ended (again) and CREEM once more resisted the urge to change the name of our records section to Justifiable Homicide.

Many of you have asked, how do the crumbcakes at CREEM compile the poll each year when they can barely handle eyelid mechanics? It’s EZ! Indignant squads of huffing-and-puffing mailmen stumble in and dump huge sacks of disreputable-looking envelopes at our feet (our actual feet) just like in Miracle On 34th Street. Then our ace editorial staff—yes, including Ed. him, her or itself—crawl through, sleep in, spill cough syrup on, build dummies of the Who to burn in effigy and occasionally count.

Is it legit? Honest? Fair? Hey—we don’t care who wins what! We call it “scientific disinterest.” Others refer to it as the feeble last wave prior to descent into autism. So what if we arbitrarily add, omit and sexually alter our categories!? Take that, woolly electorate!

There are other questionable possibilities as well. How are honest, forthright, capitalists such as ourselves to prevent some ignoble personage, doubtless a Commie, from purchasing 75,000 copies of CREEM and filling in all the Readers Poll ballots himself?

Attempting to analyze the trends is about as accurate as the aimit-at-the-wall method of weight control. Of course, the W o w everything, what with them being Goodbye Girls and all. Kea response for this geez bait was overwhelming. Also overwhelmingly typical, the band being at least 15 years past their prime.

The biggest trend was the Backlash. The Go-Go s have now been successful enough to the point where it’s cool to not like em. Ditto REO Speedwagon. Van Halen really got nailed, despite their winning totals in some categories. Caught you guys asleep at the reel on Diver Down, didn’t we?

The only really unexpected result was the impact of new artists. Men At Work scored all over the place, a fact at least as remarkable as the discovery of skunks in Southeast Asia. Stray Cats, A Flock of Seagulls and Missing Persons all placed in several categories. The strength of the Clash vote surprised some, as they moved into our readership’s elite, up there with Van Halen, the Stones, Zep and the hopefully defunct Who.

That about covers it, tally wankers. We truly appreciate all the time and effort that went into your ballots. Some detractors might not realize it, but trying to figure out your favorite castanet slasher or Insect of the Year is at least as difficult as waking “up.”

So, without further adieu doo de doo, we present the results of our 1982 Readers Poll. Let’s all get together and thank heaven for small favors (a sarcastic sexual slur in Japan). —The Editors

WAX

TOP THREE ALBUMS OF 1982

1. Diver Down—Van Halen (Warner Bros.)

2. It’s Hard-The Who ’(Warner Bros.)

3. Combat Rock—The Clash (Epic)

4. Screaming For VengeanceJudas Priest (Columbia)

5. Emotions In Motion—

Billy Squier (Capitol)

6. Signals—Rush (Mercury)

7. Pictures At Eleven—

Robert Plant (Swan Song)

8. Asia (Geffen)

9. Still Life—Rolling Stones (Rolling Stones Records)

10. Vacation—The Go-Go’s (IRS.)

11. Rock In A Hard Place— Aerosmith (Columbia)

12. Coda—Led Zeppelin (Swan Song)

13. American Fool—John Cougar (Riva)

14. Blackout—Scorpions (Mercury)

15. Get Nervous—Pat Benatar (Chrysalis)

The WINKERS

16. Built For Speed—Stray Cats (EMI)

17. Nebraska—Bruce Springsteen (Columbia)

18^Mirage—Fleetwood Mac (Warner Bros.)

19. Imperial Bedroom—Elvis Costello & the Attractions (Columbia)

20. Number Of The Beast—

Iron Maiden (Harvest)

21. Business As Usual—

Men At Work (Columbia)

22. One On One—Cheap Trick (Epic)

23. All The Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes—Pete Townshend (Atlantic)

24. Straight Between The Eyes— Rainbow (Polydor)

25. Friend Or Foe—Adam Ant

.s (Epic)

TOP TWO SINGLES OF 1982

1. Rock The Casbah—

The Clash (Epic)

2. Athena—The Who (Warner Bros.)

3. Oh Pretty Woman—

Van Halen (Warner Bros.)

4. Vacation—The Go-Go’s (IRS.)

5.1 Love Rock ’N’ Roll—Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (Boardwalk)

6. Should I Stay Or Should I Go— The Clash (Epic)

7. You Got Another Thing Coming—Judas Priest (Columbia)

8. Shadows Of The Night—Pat Benatar (Chrysalis)

9. Jack & Diane—John Cougar (Riva)

10. New World Man—Rush (Mercury)

“Canada is a lovely place but the bands that come there are ugly, feminine and disgusting*”

— Chip Allen Anniston, AL

BEST R&B SINGLE

1. Going To A Go-Go—

The Rolling Stones (Rolling Stones Records)

2. Bad To The Bone—

George Thorogood & the Destroyers (EMI)

3. Stray Cat Strut—

The Stray Cats (EMI)

4.1 Do—J. Geils Band (EMI)

5. 1999—Prince (Warner Bros.)

BEST R&B ALBUM

1. Still Life-The RoUing Stones (Rolling Stones Records)

2. Showtime—J. Geils Band (EMI)

3. The Other Woman—

Ray Parker, Jr. (Arista)

4. Throwin’ Down—Rick James (Gordy)

5. 1999—Prince (Warner Bros.)

BEST REISSUE

1. Bad Reputation—

Joan Jett (Boardwalk)

. 2. The Beatles 20 Greatest Hits (Capitol)

3. Best Of The Runaways (Mercury)

4. The John Lennon Collection (Geffen)

5. Singles/45’s Under—Squeeze (A&M)

‘That’s the last time 1 tell a national magazine that I got laid (’81 Readers’ Poll). This year the closest I came to sex was a visit to my proctologist.”

—Brent Braniff Minot, ND

BEST JAZZ ALBUM

1. Offramp—Pat Metheny (ECM)

2. Love Notes—

Chuck Mangione (Columbia)

3. Of Human Feelings'—

Ornette Coleman (Antilles)

4. Electric Rendezvous—

A1 DiMeola (Columbia)

5. Freetime—Spyro Gyra (MCA)

FLESH & BLOOD

TOPTHREE GROUPS - 1. Van Halen

2. The Who

3. The Clash

4. The Rolling Stones

5. Judas Priest

6. The Police

7. Rush

8. Led Zeppelin

9. The Go-Go’s

10. Journey

11. AC/DC

12. Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

13. Ozzy Osbourne & Blizzard Of Ozz

14. Aerosmith

15. Stray Cats

16. Iron Maiden

17. Def Leppard

18. The Jam

19. Cheap Trick

20. Fleetwood Mac

21. J. Geils Band

22. X

23. Loverboy

24. Scorpions

25. Black Sabbath

“Joe Strammer said Thank you* to me when I helped him back onto the stage in Toronto. Thank God no one heard!”

y —Lee Deacon Toronto, Ont.

TOP THREE LIVE GROUPS

1. The Who

2. Van Halen

3. The Clash

4. Rush

5. Ozzy Osbourne fe Blizzard Of Ozz

6. Judas Priest

7. The Police

8. The Go-Gb’s

9. J. Geils Band

10. Journey

11. AC/DC

12. Billy Squier

13. Cheap Trick

14. Scorpions

15. Iron Maiden

16. Rainbow

17. Pat Benatar

18. Black Sabbath

19. Joan Jett

20. Aerosmith

21. The Kinks

22. Loverboy

23. Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band

24. The Jam

25. Fleetwood Mac

“Sorry it’s so messy!”

— David. Cl ark Sacramento, CA

BEST MALfe SINGER

1. Robert Plant

2. David Lee Roth

3. Roger Daltrey

4. Billy Squier

5. Sting

6. Mick Jagger

7. Bruce Springsteen

8. Steve Perry

9. John Cougar 10. Rob Halford

BEST R&B SINGER

1. Mick Jagger 1

2. Peter Wolf

3. Rick James

4. Stevie Wonder

5. Prince

BEST R&B GROUP

1. The Rolling Stones

2. J. Geils Band

3. Dazz Band

4. The Time

5. The English Beat

BEST FEMALE SINGER

1. Pat Benatar

2. Chrissie Hynde

3. Stevie Nicks

4. Joan Jett

5. Dale Bozzio "

6. Martha Davis

7. Ann Wilson

8. Annabella

9. Kim Wilde 10. Exene

BEST GUITARIST

1. Eddie Van Halen

2. Pete Townshend

3. Jimmy Page

4. Keith Richards

5. Mick Jones (Clash)

6. Andy Summers

7. Ritchie Blackmore

8. Angus Young

9. Nfeal Schon

10.Billy Zoom

BEST KEYBOARD PLAYER

1. Geoff Downes

2. John Paul Jones

3. Jonathan Cain

4. Greg Hawkes

5. Geddy Lee

6. Seth Justman

7. Steve Nieve

8. Keith Emerson

9. Don Airey

10.Billy Joel

“How come those brush fires in California don’t choke all those valley people to death? Fer surel” —Althea Krietemeier

Ellicott City, MD

BEST BASS PLAYER

1. John Entwistle

2. Geddy Lee

3. Sting

4. Michael Anthony

5. PaulSimonon

6. John Paul Jones

7. Bill Wyman

8. Kathy Valentine

9. Scott Smith

10.Roger Capps

BEST DRUMMER

1. Neal Peart

2. Alex Van Halen

3. Stewart Copeland

4. Charlie Watts

5. Kenney Jones

6. Gina Schock

7. John Bonham

8. Keith Moon

9. Bun E. Carlos

10.Tommy Aldridge

BEST HORN PLAYER

1. Clarence Clemons

2. Chuck Mangione

3. Greg Ham

4. John Entwistle

5. Miles Davis

1MOST VALUABLE PLAYER

1. Pete Townshend

2. Eddie Van Halen

3. Jimmy Page

4. Angus Young

5. Keith Richards

6. David Lee Roth

7. Ray Davies

8. Sting

9. Bruce Springsteen 10. Ritchie Blackmore

“Let's give Brooke Shields a Mohawk! Get Richard Walls out of the house!"

—Romy Pawlowski Studio City, CA

BEST PRODUCER

1. Ted Templeman

2. Jimmy Page

3. The Glimmer Twins

4. Roy Thomas Baker

5. Glyn Johns

6. Paul McCartney

7. Robert John “Mutt” Lange

8. Dave Edrqunds

9. Kenny Laguna 10. Nick Lowe

RIPOFF OF THE YEAR

1. Record Prices

2. Concert Prices

3. CREEM

4. Reaganomics

5. Diver Down

6. Who tour

7. Concert T-shirt prices

8. Still Life

9. NFL strike

10. The Wall (movie)

BEST NEW GROUP

1. Men At Work

2. Stray Cats

3. Asia -

4. Flock Of Seagulls

5. Missing Persons

6. Aldo Nova

7. Saga

8. ABC

9. Marshall Crenshaw 10. Haircut 100

“You’ll never see Rob Halford in Topsiders."

—Cathie A. Besley Olathe, KS

WORST GROUP

1.Van Halen

2. REO Speedwagon

3. The Go-Go’s

4. Journey

5. The Rolling Stones

6. The Plasmatics

7. AC/DC

8. Air Supply

9. Stray Cats 10. Styx

“Be thankful that sharks can't fly."

—Ralph Sitar II

Mt. Clemens, MI

BEST SONGWRITER

1. Pete Townshend

2. Page/Plant

3. Jagger/Richards

4. Strummer/Jones

5. Sting

6. Rush

7. Billy Squier

8. Van Halen

9. Paul McCartney 10. Ray Davids

SUNDRY

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT 1. Who’s last tonr ,2. Randy Rhoads’s death

3. James Honeyman-Scott’s death

4. Ronald Reagan 5 .Diver Down

6. CREEM

7. Vacation

8. Still Life

9. Squeeze breakup 10. John Belushi’s death.

“Rob Halford should turn in his leather suit for a tutu."

—jimmy Williams Yonkers, NY

“l am much too old and square to be filling out a stupid survey like this."

—Joanne Abrams Chicago, IL

HERO(INE) OF THE YEAR

1. Pete Townshend

2. David Lee Roth

3. Eddie Van Halen

4. Pat Benatar

5. Ozzy Osbourne

6. Joan Jett

7. Robert Plant

8. Billy Squier

9. Bruce Springsteen 10. Elmo

“Who the hell is Elmo?"

—Heidi Collins Winthrop, MA

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

1. Robert Plant

2. The Who

3. Aerosmith

4. Elton John

5. Eddie Money

6. Crosby, Stills & Nash

7. Pete Townshend

8. Joe Jackson

9. Joan Jett 10. Joe Cocker

MOST PATHETIC OF THE YEAR

1. David Lee Roth

2. Ozzy Osbourne

3. The Go-Go’s

4. John Cougar

5. Wendy O. Williams

6. REO Speedwagon

7. Pat Benatar

8. Journey

9. MickJagger 10. CREEM

“1 met Rick Johnson's parents the other dayL They seem to be a couple of nice guys." —Adrian Abrahamson Jeffersonville, IN

ROCK CRITIC OF THE YEAR

1. Rick Johnson

2. Robert Christgau

3. J. Kordosh

4. Lester Bangs

5. Susan Whitall

6. Dave Marsh

7. Dave DiMartino

8. Gregg Turner

9. Joe Fernbacher 10. Richard Meltzer

ROCK PHOTOGRAPHER OF THE YEAR

1. Lynn Goldsmith

2. Ebet Roberts

3. NeilZlozower

4. Bob Alford

5. Michael N. Marks

6. Bob Gruen

7. Mick Rock

8. Larry Kaplan

9. Robert Matheu 10. Mark Weiss

"Good lord, Pete*-we're millionaires with our headband concession alone!"

ALBUM COVER OF THE YEAR

1.Imperial Bedroom (Elvis Costello & the Attractions)

2 . Number Of The Beast (Iron Maiden)

3. Diver Down (Van Halen)

4. Emotions In Motion (Billy Squier)

5. Get Nervous (Pat Benatar)

6. Blackout (Scorpions)

7. Screaming For Vengeance (Judas Priest)

8. Straight Between The Eyes (Rainbow)

9. Asia

10.It’s Hard (The Who)

FAD OF THE YEAR

1. Valley Girls

2. Video Games . 3. MTV

4. Punk Rock

5. Walkmans

6. E.T.

7. Rockabilly

8. Headbands

9. Cyanide poisonings 10. Band logo buttons

FASHION PLATE OF THE YEAR

1. David Lee Roth

2. Pat Benatar

3. Adam Ant

4. Pete Townshend

5. Joan Jett

6. Ozzy Osbourne

7. Joe Strummer

8. Angus Young

9. Rob Halford

10. Wendy O. Williams

‘CREEM critic moves out of our house... thank God!!”

—Sherry Bowman Hoboken, NJ

SEX OBJECT OF THE YEAR

1. David Lee Roth

2. Pat Benatar

3. Joan Jett

4. Sting

5. Roger Daltrey

6. Eddie Van Halen

7. Dale Bozzio

8. Belinda Carlisle

9. Robert Plant 10. Stevie Nicks

BEST TOUR

1.The Who

2. Van Halen

3. The Clash

4. Judas Priest

5. Joan Jett

6. Fleetwood Mac

7. Rainbow

8. Elvis Costello

9. Ozzy Osbourne

10.The Rolling Stones

“Chrissie Hynde, PREGNANT? Oh, Chrissie, how could you do that to us!”

—C. Ellen Jackson Reston, VA

COUPLE OF THE YEAR

1. Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli

2. Ray Davies & Chrissie Hynde

3. Pat Benatar & Neil Geraldo

4. Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall

5. Burt Reynolds & Loni Anderson

6. Dale & Terry Bozzio

7. Exene & John Doe

8. Belinda Carlisle &

Mike Marshall

9. Kirk Gibson &

Morgan Fairchild

10.Ronald & Nancy Reagan II* Dave DiMartino & Quentin ■ Crisp

BEST ROCK ’N* ROLL MOVIE

1. The Wall

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High

3. E,T.

4. Blade Runner

5. Tron

6. The Secret Policeman’s Other Ball

7. Class of ’84

8. Rocky III

9. Let There Be Rock

10.A Hard Day’s Night (re-release)

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR

1. Hill Street Blues

2. Saturday Night Live 3.SCTV

4. MTV

5. Square Pegs

6. Dynasty

7. David Letterman

8. Magnum P.I.

9. M.A.S.H.

10.Fame

PUNK OF THE YEAR

1. Joe Strummer

2. Adam Ant

3. Wendy O. Williams

4. John Cougar

5. Joan Jett

. 6. Ozzy Osbourne

7. Billy Idol

8. Annabella

9. jello Biafra

10.Rick James

1 think this Readers Poll was dumb.”

—Cindi Blazy Orton ville, MI

STREET PHRASE OF THE YEAR .1. Fuck You

2. Gag me with a spoon

3. Let’s party!

4. Totally

5. Awesome

6. Grody to the max!

7. Barf me out

8. Help!

9. Smurfs must die!

10. Is this the right line?