MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

FIRST FIND THE TALENT I’m writing this in response to your December issue’s review of the Who’s It’s Hard by Gregg Turner, a man who is a pathetic waste of the effort it must have taken his mother and a platypus to conceive him. This is the only unfavorable review I’ve read about this record, which shows that Turner is one of few who can’t recognize qualtiy. Obviously, this man wouldn’t know talent if it was giving him a blow job.

Donna R.R.

Mystic, CT \

(This is absolutely the last letter about Gregg and the Who we’re going to print! Evir! We mean it!Ed.)

NOT BORED YET!

Please convey Gregg Turner my deepest sympathy. After reading his review of the Who’s It’s Hard LP, it became apparent to me that he must be suffering the after-effects of unsuccessful brain surgery. It seems he’s, lost the use of his thinking processes, otherwise he’d have realized what a fine album it is, full of fantastic music, relevant thoughts and important ideas. Nor am I alone in my opinion; the record has been high on the charts since release. People are listening to what the Who have to say, even after all these years. And we’re not bored yet! The last two times the Who played here in Minneapolis-St. Paul, they had to add an extra show, due to the number of fans here wanting to see them perform.

D.E. Burdick Somewhere in Minnesota P.S. Next time you’re trying to find a band to put on the cover of your magazine, why not consider a group of long-deceased fruit bats? (OK, that’s it! No more Who! We really mean it this time! By the way, do you have a picture of the bats?—Ed.)

READERS CONTINUE ABUSE I’m not usually one to complain—but after reading Mr. Gregg Turner’s review of the Who’s It’s Hard, I figured writing a letter was the least I could do. I understand that the boys’ latest effort may not be quite as splendid an album as say, Who’s Next, but to say that David Lee Roth would have done a better job than Roger Daltrey on vocals is absolutely ludicrous! Your views are comparable to those of a deranged man, Mr. T.

I’ll take your review seriously when I see Roger “don his gay apparel,” and exploit, his lower -regions while on stage—as does D.L. Roth.

Never, I repeat, never compare Roger Daltrey to that feeble excuse for a man, David Lee Rot!! (much less use both names in the same

sentence.)

I like Pete’s new haircut.

. Jane Dough Northridge, CA

P.S. I’m starting a new club. It’s for those who would rather drink stagnant pond water than attend a VH concert.

(From this point on, the addresses of all Who letter-writers will be turned over to Gregg Turner’s mom. She’ll be coming to see you soon as she’s finished filming Rocky IV—Ed.)

TOKEN INTELLECTUAL LETTER I’d really like to set up camp by Pat Benatar’s bush.

A. Friend Dallas, TX

PERFECT LETTER

I think that Bad Company’s new album is pretty good. Why the comparison to Paul Kossoff and Free? Mick Ralphs’ playing is tight and way above the norm on its own merits.

Peter Egley Keokuk, IA

(Yeah, but what about the Who?—Ed.)

CREATION THEORY PROVEN

Q. Why do dogs lick themselves?

A. Because they can!

Clashenda Jones Industry, CA

KORDOSH FITNESS QUESTIONED J. Kordosh isn’t fit to lick Brian Setzer’s tattoos. (I would gladly do so; free of charge).

Me again Berkley (pit), MI

WHAT MUSICIANS REALLY THINK

Hey! I am in a band! A bonefied rock band!

We do other peoples’ songs lick for lick! We are a great band! We don’t have to work1 We sleep LATE! We go to steep NEVER! We make good money constantly jerking around! We just pretend to know something about music, make a fuss in front of The People, cop a rebellious attitude, dress and act accordingly, pose the part and basically goof off! A lot like Rick Johnson does! Except we get more $$! We always attend wild parties! We love 4ex! We have it often! With whomever! As long as they can giggle! Forget human relationships! Yeeech! I know, we’ll become incoherent for the next decade or so! Kids will look up to us! We’ll encourage them to shorten their attention spans! “This is how we got the job,” we’ll tell them! A rote model! Man, the possibilities!

R. J.Heyday (no relation)

“The IjJsuals”

Anywhere, U.S.A.

SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST Due to the recent sates decline of their albums, the members of Van Halen have teamed up with Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, Davy Jones and Mike Nesmith, better known asthe Monkees, in hopes of improving record sales. Van Halen’s next release, scheduled for early 1983, will be a variation on the theme from the old Monkees TV series! Sample lyrics include:

Here we come, walkin’ down the Street We get the funniest looks from everyone we meet.

Hey hey, we’re Van Halen People say we monkey around But we’re too busy laughin’

At all the jerks who bought Diver Down Rupert Burton High Point,. NC

HERE’S GREGG’S MOM NOW!

Three errors in one paragraph!! Come on. In your December ’82 calendar you stated, for Dec. 6, that George Hunter was slain, that he almost slew Jagger and that it took place in 1972! ' „ 1

The name was Meredith Hunter, his gun wasn’t loaded and the year was 1969. WAKE UP!

Brian Weber Los Angeles, CA

P.S. Pete Townshend is a big-mouthed asshole. Last year he was putting down the Stones for their mega-tour, one year later, surprise, guess who’s doing the same type of tour?

P.P.S. The kids are alright, the Who suck.

NOT TRUE & EVEN IF IT WAS I’m a fan of Mick Jagger and the Stones. I have read some trash about them but nothing this low. In your last issue (Nov. ’82) I read an article about Mick saying he’s gay. Well, then my friends show me this in school and say “Ah, Jagger’s a fag, he’s a queer.” It gets me so mad that you guys would write something like this because you know it’s not true and even if it was you didn’t have to go and print it. I thought you guys liked him. Well, I guess I thought wrong. I don’t believe a word of it.

Jack Ryan Toms River, NJ'

FERTILIZATION REQUEST Let the world know that at the beginning of 1983: We plan to RAPE and SEXUALLY SEDUCE, Rob Halford, K.K. Downing, and Glenn Tipton when we bring them to VA. to a place called Ruby’s Motel (the sleeziest Jojnt in town).

Once we get to Ruby’s we are going to chain (not tte but chain) them down to Harley Davidson Motorcycles and DO EVERYTHING and ANYTHING we can think of to PLEASE THEM!! Then, once we have accomplished this passionate task, we will free them and LET THEM HAVE THEIR WAY WITH US. All in all a Very Enjoyable week in VA. After the first week is over, we’ll give them two weeks in an intensive care unit to reload themselves!

At the end of these two weeks we.will START ALL OVER AGAIN! So what we wanna know is “Are these guys married?” We don’t care how much their wives cry when they leave them for US! We were just wondering.

So Rob Halford, K.K. Downing, and Glenn Tipton; consider yourselves warned. ACT NOW and get your legs in top shape!! And prepare to be bent, folded and manipulated in so many PLEASURABLE ways.

WEARE NOTUGLY!

The Lusters: Susan, Karen & Liza

Bluefield, WV

P.S. Rob Halford does not wear tutus.

ONLY HORSES-SWEAT

I’d like to know why sexy, older, brilliant, talented rock stars have decided to chop off their cool hippie manes in favor of faggy, GQ model feathered back (as in wings as on fairies). Look at Roger Daltrey, whose cqrly, long beautiful locks were eaten by the savage scissor, making him look absolutely effeminate. Perhaps he’ll give up microphone-swinging, too, and pierce his cheek. And look at the greatest heavy metal waiter of them all: Robert Plant, whose thick wavy hair cascaded down his back, shivering with emotion during “Stairway To Heaven”. Now his free-flowing hair has been murdered by a sadistic barber as well, so it hangs like my sister’s perm. It brings tears to my eyes to see now shamefully mutilated these hippie, revolutionary men have been! And lastly, and oh-so-painfully, there was the nauseating disaster of Steven Tyler’s hair. I felt like wrenching a scissor through his fag barber and smashing his Queer 100 Blow Dryer through his head, it kills me. Steven Tyler so humilated. You probably think, what next, right? Rumor has it Jim’ Morrison got a crew cut, and Jimi Hendrix got a Mohawk. I can’t wait till the barber who cut off Plant’s, 'Daltrey’s, and Tyler’s hair decides to assault David Lee Roth’s slimy Medusa mane with a Gillette Super-Blue. Barbers Suck Alice, A Toy In The Attic Teenage Wasteland, Kashmir P.S. I know you won’t print this, cuz you love Roth’s ass.. But if you ever see Roge, Rob, or Steve tell them you know a very available, long haired groupie...

CANT FACE THE TRUTH How come you guys /print to many anti-Van Halen letters? Do that many people really hate them? I can’t see how anyone could! I think they’re the best group that’s ever been! The best looking too!

Do me a favor and don’t listen to those fuck-heads that say you print too many articles on them. I couldn’t see enough of Roth’s great bod.

Jennifer Riviera, AZ

(Neither could he!—Ed )

DEMANDS BLOOD ON POPCORN This is a letter of protest for your movie critic in regards to your review of Friday the 13th Part 3. In your article you said Dana Kimmel was the lone survivor of the last flick. That is not true. Amy Steele was. It was not an insult to have the opening in 2-D because in order to put it in 3-D, it would have to be shot over again. Me and my friends would go see Friday the 13th Part 4 and any other parts that may come along. As to your insinuation that Part 2 stunk, well I think your magazine stinks.

Laurie Vance Akron, OH

P.S. How could all those kids get out of Crystal Lake when they didn’t know Jason was there?

(To get to the other side?—Ed.)

COMPETITION HUMILIATED I have to tell you something. I just bought the Feb. issue of Hit Parader. And I must say from deep, deep, deep in my heart it SUCKED! Some fuck-head from Philadelphia actually cut you down. He said you suck. Well I have to get something off my chest now! Yoyr mag is great! But Hit Parader, well I can’t put it in words, you might censor it anyway.

Let’s talk other business. In Rate-A-Record, they had Kansas (no more said!). I don’t know what his name is but it’s the guy with piss-yellow colored hair, you know, the one who’s going bald. Him and a friend rated Elvis Costello’s single from Imperial Bedroom and said he would rather put his ear to the toilet and flush.

Well listen, asshole, I want to take your ugly motherfuckin’ face and flush that!!!!!

Susan McGovern St. Petersburg, FL

P.S. Can you ask Hit Parader.ior my money back? Because the 7-11 where I bought it won’t. (What did you expect after your novelty toilet paper ruse?—Ed.)

NICE USE OF SEMI-COLONS Why do you write all this shit about men who wish they were women; like David Lee Roth? Why don’t you just write about REAL women.

I mean, let’s face it, the Clash wish that they were BANANARAMA. Debbie Harry is the “heart and soul” of ALL rock ’n’ roll; I mean, she’s what it’s all about; I mean, she’s really, really good!!! Think of where Elvis Costello wouldbe if Linda Ronstadt hadn’t made his songs sound like “REAL” music!! For all you dopes that haven’t figured it out yet:

a) The GoGo’s have more ‘balls’ than AC/DC put together.

b) Vanity Six makes Prince look like a bender in the bathroom.

c) Wendy O. Williams can saw anything that I have in half anytime she wants, cuz’ I love her.

d) David Bowie and Mick Jagger wish they ' were men.

Robert “Bob” Jacks aka the Texas Critisexual Austin , TX

P.S. Why aren’t there more Canadian Women’s bands in your mag?

(Because Rush won’t talk to us anymore. —Ed.)

THE PLATYPUS WAS ACE The truth can be told. Kiss is the Beatles without make-up. Since John Lennon’s death, they have been using a mannequin for pictures/gigs/recordings so it’s about time they got a new member. No clever replies, this is serious!

Jim Moore Wolfville, NS

NEW HEIGHTS OF HUMOR REACHED

This is an open letter to Linda Eastman McCartney. Me friend and meself belong to the SPCPM (Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Paul McCartney). We would like to inform you to get away from him as soon as possible, before your ugliness rubs off on him, too. By the way, how many years bad luck have you got under your belt? '

SPCPM Charlotte, NC

P.S. If this demand is not met, we will be forced to take drastic measure.

P.P.S. Do you own stock in the Alpo Company?

P.P.P.S. Who killed Lassie?

P.P.P.P.S. Don’t you think it’s time you removed your Halloween mask?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Have you ever heard of plastic surgery?

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Did you ever consider using a paper bag?

NOT THE ONLY ONE SICK OF YOU PEOPLE”

OK, lets get something straight about me, i am something YOU people call a PUNK!!! im really just someone who can’t control her angpr as well as you people!!!!! ok? ok! now for those people who cant leave me alone, im finally answering your questions about me!!!!

1) im not a stupid shit who had a terrible childhood

2) the slam isnt my fav. dance (cause im too fragile)

3) im not this way cause of the music, what i do is only centered around it '

4) drugs dont make me dress this way!!!! (but they help)

5) im a k6ol kid and im nice cause i dont criticize YOUR music!!!!!!!!

6) i only buy YOUR mag. cause. it could maybe have a good article in it and it burns EZ

7) im not such an outgoing person as you might think, i dont usually write letters to mags but im sick of YOU people!! so fuck off!!!!! and mind your own goddamn business!!!!!!!

KRIS

Detroit, MI

P.S. Detroit’s not such a bad place, its better than Florida!!!

P.P.S. Birminghams OK too cept for all the shitty preps.

P.P.P.S. much to the pleasure of the world im going back to’my rootn!!!!! AHA!! i already know what smart ass remark youve got to that one Ed.!!!!!!!

P.P.P.P.S. did i type this good or what?! (if printed leave this out)

ROTH TO MARRY ELMO?

I have never had any complaints about your magazine except for now. My.complaint is about an article I’m referring to is on the bottom corner of page 14. It says David Lee and Dale Bozzi'o plan a June wedding. On page 56, it talks about Dale Bozzio and her husband. I myself was at one time a fan of D.L. Roth but I’m getting a bit too old to be a fan. When I read this article, I at once called Van Halen Productions and they informed me that this wasn’t true. I was wondering if somehow you could put this in your next issue. I’m sorry if you find .me in the wrong for wanting to bring this to your attention, for I at one time would have done anything to meet Dave and still to this day would like to and I just feel, for the sake of hes fans, that they should be informed. After all, Van Halen fans already lost Mike and Eddie. If: you don’t believe me, feel free to call VH Prod, yourself. TJaank you for your time.

Sherry DeGruff

Brick Town, NJ

(Our mistake! It should’ve said Dave and Dale were planning a goon wedding! — Ed.)

FREUD NEVER MEANT THIS

This letter is to all the people who put down Van Halen. I think you’re all a bunch of assholes who don’t know the hole in your head from the one in your ass!!! I have all five of their albums and two complete walls of my room covered in pictures, posters, and pin-ups of these guys, so I would say I know what I’m talking about. So all you jerk-offs who don’t like Van Halen can just stick your heads up your asses'and fight for air!

Brat;

San Diego, CA

FIRST, IT WAS THE TOTAL WOMAN...

This letter is total punk. Ya wanna know why? Because punk is the b§st, I mean lots of people have wrote letters on punk, so why don’t you write an article on the Dead Kennedys or the Sex Pistols? 1 know a lot of people want to hear about it, or I wouldn’t write about it, like, ya know? Everybody will be listening in the future, so why not now? Something to think about.

Steven Ellwanger

Park Ridge, NJ

P.S. New Wave sucks

LIKES MOHAWKS; CAN READ

I read your magazine and I think it is great. One question I would like you to help me with, where can I call or write to get a book on punk rock hair styles?

Joe Paras

South Plainfield, NJ

DOESNT WANT TO BORE USI Your magazine sucks! How can you put a great man like Robert Plant in a mag like yours, which is filled with such stupidity like Judas Priest, Van Halen, Ozzy Assholebourne, the Clash, and the list goes on, but I don’t want to bore you. You put masters like the Who in for “Tour ’82 Album” when all you put down is a lousy eight pictures? Your magazine is a waste of money and a waste of time. Your magazine used to be alright back in 1900, in other words, it sucks.

Jim Rios

Southbound, NY

(We didn't think all eight pictures were lousy! — Ed.)

ASK A STUPID ROCK STAR In your article on Billy Squier in the Dec. ’82 issue, J. Kordosh interviews Billy and asks, “You know alot of people are wondering why you’re opening for Queen instead of visa versa ”J, Now to me, that is the dumbest question I’ve heard. ■

Aris Kopoulos c/ o Peerless Foods New Orleans, LA

PAGE REDUCED TO NANNY How can 1 get in touch with Jimmy Page? 1 heard he was giving guitar lessons in Switzerland!? What is he doing these days anyway? I sure would dig some info on where and how I can get in touch with Page.

Robert Morrison Miami, FL

JEALOUS OI^SWEAT After reading CREEM for three years, I feel a right to complain. Lately it has been atrocious. Mostly it’s only as bad as when the letters from readers (?) are the best part of the magazine.

Anyway, the Jan. ’83 issue was pretty good. The letter colqmn picked up. Did you get a new letter-picker? Speaking of letters:

1.I’m jealous of the “Only Joe Fan That Matters.” 1 wonder if he would sweat on me, too!

2) I’m setting up a committee to lynch Ellen Foley. She’s ugly and Mick deserves better!

3) It is inexcusable for your mag to print (much less read) any letters from San Diego and vicinity.

Pauline V. Roache San Diego, CA

(We don’t read ’em, we just print ’em!—Ed.)

STRUMMER DOLL ADDS NEW FEATURES

I have here my list of things I just luv about Joe Strummer:

1. His EARS

2. His (totally awesome) HAIRCUT

3. His CLOTHES

4)His CUTE AND CUDDLY BODY

5. His TEETH (the new ones)

6. His SWEAT

7. His VOICE

8. His NOSE

9. ALL of the above

10. AND all the other guys in the CLASH

Clashenda Jones Mera Loma, CA

(You left out his Joan Collins mask. —Ed.)

THE ONE THAT SLOBBERS IS TOPPER Guess what, all you so-called Clash fans? I have them in my closet!!! They don’t mind, in

fact they enjoy it greatly. I treat them well. They came on their own free will after they heard about me and all. But Topper sits in the back and slobbers all over the place and Terry keeps saying that he is‘the original. Oh well. I let Paul out a lot at night, he deserves it, he’s such a good boy. Oh, girls? If you want to see a really dedicated and true fan of the Clash (practically the only one from the past times) you can come on over and see.

Murdering the Disturbed, nicole nimbus Garden Grove, CA

" OUR VAST EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, NOW RUBBLE!”

CREEM is \ cool mag. You know how I know that CREEM is cool? It’s coz nobody in my high school never heard of if.

Mariana Almeida Bethesda„MD

THEY USED TO CALL HIM JOHNNY” OK, I’ve had it!

Your mag is OK, but the only reason I buy it is because of John Cougar.

I’ve tried every way possible to get in touch with him, but the motherfucker won’t answer any letters! John, please!!

Kelly Barbieri Flushing, NY

(Maybe Johnny can’t read! Havy, haw, hau>„. —Ed.)

THAT*S WHAT THEY ALL SAY If you would be so kind as to print my letter, I promise to keep my pencil locked up and never bother you again. But while I’m at it, this time I would like to express my opinions on various things I’ve read in my backlog of CREEMs: 1) Dave D’s Asia article. Good. No mindless bullshit like with; 2)Jeffrey Morgan’s vicious attack on Diver Down; 3)J. Kordosh’s famous Rush article. Pretty good, pretty good. A bit off the deep end, I loved it anyway. Neal Peart needs a radical attitude overhaul NOW; 4) Kordo’s Judas Priest article. VERY GOOD. Kordosh has gotta be my favorite rock writer at the moment; 5) Billy Altman’s critique of Damaged by Black Flag. I have never heard said disc, but I have heard the single, “TV Party,” and it does NOT state (like your pissed and shat on reviewer seems to think) that “the smart thing to do is turn on the tube.” The tune’is quite obviously anti-TV, which makes me wonder if A) Altman even listened to it and, B) if he is just trying to get people who haven’t heard B. Flag’s music to think they are a bunch of idiots. This guy is definitely a schlong-on-breath hack and you would be well advised to NEVER PRINT HIM AGAIN. I am done.

Joe Schmidt (resal name)

Not Canada

P.S. No relation to Joe Schmoe

OBSCENITY LAWS FLAUNTED Enclosed is an obscene letter to David Lee Roth.

Dearest Dave

Huh-hhuh,Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huhhhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-huhhm Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huhh-Hyh-huhh Huhhhuh, huhh-Huh-huhh Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-huhh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-huhh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh, Huh-hhuh.

Terri Kelly and Kris Williams

Littleton, CO W