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MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

ROCK AGAINST POTTY-MOUTH Please be advised that a large share of your readership is comprised of young girls under the age of eight or nine. Did you ever hear an eightyr.-old use some of the language you clowns print?

1 like rock ’n’ roll and grew up in the ’60s. My mind was influenced by the rock magazines of my time. Therefore;, as a parent of a young girl, 1 was upset to read the extent of decay in your mind (what’s left of it). It’s unfortunate that the young readers are getting mind-raped by the publishers of this rag and I hope this letter helps you clean up your act. Congratulations! You just lost another customer forever.

RoccoFedele New York, NY

(Please be advised that a large share of our letter-answerers think that nitwits who toss around terms like “mind-rape” should be forcibly separated from their crayons. —Ed.)

ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER You should have stopped sending me your magazine half a year ago. I will pay any price or do anything, just stop sending me your rag. Please End My Subscription,

Monmouth, NJ

MUSICIAN SPEAKS”

I’m glad to see my pal R. Meltzer writing for your rag again. There was a vacuum after he and Lester stopped appearing in your pages. Oh, there were many to imitate his style, but the unpredictable things were gone. I loved the piece on the Clash. Very funny, although it didn’t convince me not to like the record. See, I like music articles that have real emotional content. Just like the music I like. I don’t have to agree or believe it’s all true. As long as the feelings related are true. Meltzer’s articles on the jazz albums in the current issue are also great. I doubt I’ll ever buy them, but the articles are some of the few readable, identifiable pieces on jazz I’ve ever read. Most are so technical they’re pretty boring. Anyway, it seems like CREEM is taking a turn for the better. Keep up the good work and maybe I’ll buy it every month like. I used to.

Albert Bouchard New York, NY

(You could’ve afforded a subscription if your last LP hadn’t stiffed!—Ed.)

CROSBY WAS THE PENGUIN I can only feel sad for you that you’re unable to appreciate such a truly fine work of art as Crosby, Stills and Nash’s latest collection of songs, Daylight Again. After waiting so long for music of their rare style and quality, I felt as if we’d all been given a gift of reawakening.

Although I must disagree with your assessment of the album, (along with some 500,000 others who have made it go gold) my objection to your review must go further than that. Before you write another piece on anyone, may I suggest that you try wholeheartedly to brush up on your manners. Many of the remarks that you directed at these guys were crude and tasteless and had no bearing on their music at all, While you are knocking age in the music industry, try to remember that some of the oldest are also some of the best.

CSN Forever,

Peggy Marion Cordova, TN

(Your oldest-are-best theory applies to editors only. —Ed.)

INSIDE POOP ON ROTH After a recent Van Halen concert in Los Angeles, I found myself back at their hotel. That is, after making my way past the hotel security then past Van Halen’s own security force on the sacred fourth floor.

A party was going on down the hall in a spare room used tonight for David Lee Roth’s entertaining. Which he was doing in top form. Looking around, I noticed this wasn’t your usual after-concert crowd of musicians, record company people, and general scene-makers. The , party in room *427 was made up of groupies (both male and female), dwarfs, some people who honestly knew the band and more groupies. Who were either eyeing themselves in the hotel mirrors or David Lee Roth. Since he was the only VH member to be found.

Knowing he’s the main attraction here (and the only interesting person) DLR bounces from one cluster of people to the next. Chit-chatting to all but never really hearing much of what’s being said. Like a chameleon at times, blending into the over-crowded room. But when showing his true colors, that inner glow of energy takes over and commands you to watch him. Which he proved in full force earlier this evening by keeping a 18,000 seat arena on its feet the entire show.

As DLR steps out into the hall for some fresh air and faces, *427 is quickly emptied and the party moves, to where else, but the hallway. He spends the next hour or so wandering around the area. Until, suddenly DLR slips past a set of VH guards into a closed off section of the floor. The only thing that follows him there are 30 pairs of bloodshot eyes.

Name Withheld

(For fear of losing future privileges)

Los Angeles, CA

THE WHO, HOMOSEXUALITY LINKED

First off. I’d like to compliment you on the publication of a halfway decent magazine. Certainly towering above Trouser Mess in terms of entertainment. However, taste is another matter. In this regard, your writers seem as sorely lacking as the other rags. Normally, I am not moved to complain about this accustomed ignorance. But your December record review section simply begs for it.

In the first place, Mr. Turner’s review of the new LP. Tm not saying he was right or wrong in his assessment, but the man writes like a moron. He obviously has a chip on his shoulder about the Who, because he contradicts himself and doesn’t make any viable point. I haven’t even HEARD the album, but, let’s face it, the Who aren’t capable of anything as bad as he inferred in his sloppy piece.

That’s the good part.

For the real sludge, we turn to the Psychedelic Furs and Romeo Void instinctively. These half-baked excuses for bands excel in one category only, and that’s balls. The fact that they have the nerve to step onto a stage or into a recording studio displays the kind of guts most of us thought homosexuals lacked. HOWEVER... the fact that Mr. Nesin and Mr. Riegel reviewed these respective albums FAVORABLY leaps headlong into brave, new, uncharted lagoons of tastelessness heretofore unknown by humanity. Is it really necessary for me to point out that Romeo Void is merely a talentless, thinly veiled excuse to voice lesbian frustrations? Or that the Psychedelic Furs ROT sideways?? C’MON GANG! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!! YOU’RE SUPPING!!

Other than that, good issue.

Bret Hopkins

C.T.R.T.

(Committee to reunite lOcc)

Rochester, NY

MORON THE RUNAWAYS

After looking through your WOMEN IN ROCK issue, I was really disappointed in it. Being an ex-member of the Runaways, I was surprised by the lack of attention you gave the band.

Lest you forget, the Runaways were one of the main fore-runners of women in rock and therefore deserve more of a mention.

But what could anybody expect from a magazine that can’t even spell its own name, right?

Vicki Blue

Los Angelse, CA

UNSOLICITED PERV

Joan Jett is gay and so am I!

Sincerely,

I Like Girls

Washington, DC

P.S. The Go-Go’s are the greatest!

P.P.S. I love Pat Benatar!

BIG MONTH FOR SATAN

After reading ’1980’s Countdown To Armageddon for the fourth time, several unnerving questions have come to mind on more than one occasion. Perhaps you people can straighten me out so that I may sleep soundly once again.

1). Is rock ’n’ roll, specifically punk, Satan-inspired?; 2) What is Hugh Cromwell’s favorite sin?; 3) Is Iggy Pop born again?; 4) Does lan Curtis (Joy Division) ever get a chance to visit Sid in Hell?; 5) Is David Bowie the antichrist?; 6) Will PiL be doing the soundtrack for Armageddon?; 7) Is it true that Paul Simonon may quit the Clash to become a Catholic priest?

And finally, we all know Jimmy Page is a devout Satan worshipper, but what I would like to know is: If Satan worships old, washed-up, long-haired hippie axe pickers, all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Rick Denton

San Diego, CA

(1] Rock ’n’ roll is Dayton -inspired!; 2] Hugh’s fave sin is window shopping!; 3] No, Iggy was born a hen/; 4] He can’t; Sid is in Dog Hell; 5] Bowie is anti-rice!; 6] You must be referring to the remake of Our Man Flint/; 7] Paul wants to be a Catholic artiste!; 8] Satan worships Fred Travalena!—Ed.)

JOY PRONG MECHANIC SPEAKS

Ya wanna know what I think? OZZY SHOULD BITE OFF HIS OWN HEAD! After all, he’d still have one left. Do you think he ever stopped to think that the bat he recently maimed could have been Gilligan? Of course he realizes that the Professor’s anti-vampire potion didn’t work worth jack shit.

My little sister asked me the other day if David Lee Roth was a lesbian. I told her yes. Of course, she knows all about the facts of life. (She’s 11.) But probably the hardest thing I ever had to explain to her was the meaning of the song “Let’s Get It Up” by AC/DC. I wasn’t sure if she understood. My uncertainty was put to rest, however, while we were sitting in the Coliseum at AC/DC’s recent concert here. They were well into the song and the whole audience was screaming the words LET’S GET IT UP, when my little sister leaned over to me and said, “Just think. We’re all singing about weenies!” She’s a clever one, I tell ya. But I must admit something. She cried because she missed seeing Angus’ bare ass during “Bad Boy Boogie.” Oh well, such is life.

I almost took my mother to AC/DC, also. I mean, the woman is fucking 50 years old and she eats bran muffins for lunch, but she really likes AC/DC. Her favorite song is “Highway To Hell.” She says they’re a bunch of very talented young men. I’m so embarrassed. Isn’t that just like a mother?

Well, I could talk all say, but I must face reality that life is not just one long letter to CREEM. So pay attention, coming up is my obligatory nice comment: SOMETIMES YOUR MAGAZINE MAKES ME LAUGH SO HARD THAT I SHIT BRICKS.

Bye now, gotta go chew the nodes off Brian Johnson’s throat.

Very sincerely,

Malcolm’s callouses, a.k.a.

Philthy Animal Taylor’s navel lint, a.k.a., Julie Hammontree (My dad had his son-ofa-bitchin’ nerve, eh?)

Kent, WA (wuh?)

P.S. My 80-year-old grandpa calls his thing a “Joy Prong.”

P.P.S. HI JULIE & CORENE! You’re both blood-wallowing wenches.

P.P.P.S. My 19th birthday wish is to be able to talk like Brian Johnson and/or be the seat of his Harley-Davidson.

One final word: RONALD BELFORD (BON) SCOTT’S GHOST LIVES IN MY SEWER AND WE PLAY THE HUNGRY HIPPO GAME EVERY NIGHT.

SOPHISTICATED HUMOR, PT. 2 Hey! Really enjoyed the Van Halen/David Lee Roth article (Sept. ’82). I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.

Speaking of humor and Van Halen, have you heard the latest? Q: Why does Eddie only have a volume knob on his Strat? A: He doesn’t think he needs a horizontal or vertical hold. Q: How stupid are Van Halen fans? A: They’re so stupid, Van Halen has to use dummy cabinets at their concerts. Q: How do you separate the guys who think Van Halen is a kickass band from the guys who think Van Halen is the kickass band? Q: Use a crowbar.

Austin

Collins Vile, IL

P.S. Who gives a fuck about brown M&Ms anyway?

(We don’t care what you say about Van Halen, but watch your mouth when it comes to M&Ms!—Ed.)

SOPHISTICATED HUMOR PT. 1

Question: What’s green and skates across the ice?

Answer: Peggy Phlegm! (Insane laughter)

Zsa Zsa Rotten

Up Your, PA

BUT CAN HE SWALLOW?

I have one thing to get off my chest: Ozzy Osbourne is a real fucking asshole! HE’S DEMENTED, TOTALLY DEMENTED!!

Thank you kindly,

Mariea

Philly, PA

P.S. One more thing. Every girl under the age of 16 walks around TOTALLY WASTED, I am sure, it’so gross!

WRONG BANK!

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying your magazine, which I rarely do like anyone else, and I didn’t take your horseshit rag seriously. But fortunately, before I burned the November issue, I kind of paged through it and decided, what the hell. I’m going to write to these incoherent flunkies and see if they can answer a few easy questions. Oh and I’m sorry but I didn’t have time to go get this letter printed in braille. I hope you can find somebody in your staff who can either speak or read English or find somebody who is not in a coma.

1) How many LSD tablets do your critics take before they try to review an album? 2) How many withdrawals does Rick Johnson have a day and is he ever going to give up drugs? 3) Is it true that before you can become a staff writer you have to 30 to the Miss Piggy School of journalism and learn to speak pig latin and leam to juggle TV sets?

Now, are these question too technical because 1 was going to send a Webster’s dictionary but it wouldn’t fit in the envelope. I bet my friend $25 that you won’t print this letter, because none of you know how to print.

T.S.

Minneapolis, MN (You lose!—Ed.)

KINKS SOUL MEN?

I liked your article on August Darnell. It’s about time a black rock ’n’ roller got into the spotlight in your mag. He’s damn right about the stereotyping in the music business. The only black to even have moderate success in rock was Jimi Hendrix and he ain’t here to enjoy it. Darnell’s taste in music is great. He’s known, like • I’ve always known, the best are Lennon/McCartney and Wilson Pickett, though he left out two other greats, Chuck Berry and the Kinks.

' Rock on—more blacks are needed though that would really upset the establishment.

Lisa

New York, NY

P.S. I also like Ian Hunter and the Clash P.P.S. Yes I’m black

PIG DREAM RECOUNTED Last night 1 dreamt that I went to a movie with somebody I didn’t know. The movie starred Jerry Vale; but at the time I thought it was Lou Reed.

In the end, he was in a tent full of pigs.

Sincerely

Steve Lockhart

Reno, NE

DUMB APE SPAZZES READERS Hello all you people out there in readerland! I just want you all to know that I like both heavy metal and punk! Spazzes you out, eh? Well dig this: I have albums by both Led Zeppelin and the Stranglers! Now, don’t you feel privileged to know me?

George the Big Dumb Ape Picksburk, Pencilmania ,

COUGAR TO SLEEP WITH FISHIES? Would you try to arrange it so that somebody does a Jimmy Hoffa number on John Cougar? The guy is obviously the silliest asshole ever to make a record.

Hate Shitty Music Wilkes-Barre, PA

DECEPTIVE ALBUM TITLES Who is this guy Gregg Turner? Does he like Rock ’n’ Roll or does he just sit around with his thumb up his ass criticizing excellent works of music? It’s Hard is one of the best albums of the year. If you don’t know what the song is about, please spare us your lyrical interpretations. Go crank up Tony Bennett, Gregg!

R&B LOVERS UNITE Joe Yaus Xenia, OH

(Gregg has received more hate mail for his review of It’s Hard than anybody since the guy who thought up Southern Rock. Who fans may rest assured that Gregg’s been spanked real hard with old address labels and semi-empty bottles of Sugar Free Dr. Pepper. Oh, and by the way, It’s Hard really does stink!—Ed.)

REVENGE OF THE WORMS

I’d like to compliment J. Kordosh on his great article about my favorite rocker BILLY SQUIER (Dec..’82). I have just one complaint. There is no tail in Billy Squier’s first solo album. The Tale Of The Tape is actually the name of it (a fantastic album, by the way). Thank you for the otherwise wonderful article and for not saying that his second album is Don’t Say Know.

Avid Billy Squier Fan

Astoria, NY

P.S. Can you please tell me who the man in the background of the picture of Billy Squier “stomping on worms” is?

(He’s the worm tamer. —Ed.)

CAKE FEAR RAMPANT!

I am sick of Johansen’s garbage! His album is always being played on the radio, his video (which makes me want to throw up) is always being played on TV, and the promotion picture of his ugly face is on the wall of every record store in NYC. What makes me even madder is that the bum opened for a great group like the WHO. Does Johansen have mental problems? Does this guy try to LOOK, dance, and sing like Mick Jagger, or is it just my imagination? I used to think that Marshall Crenshaw was the worst group in America until Johansen came along. Now I realize that Crenshaw is a step up from that scuzball.

Ron Kahn

New Hyde Park, NY

P.S. I usually don’t blast people like this, but when it comes to bad attitude, bad taste, and most of all bad music, this guy takes the cake.

NO RELATION!

Y’know how most film projectors you see have regular brand names like Bell & Howell or something? Well, I go to university in Canada and do you know what’s the brand name on every single film projector on campus? ELMO! It’s true!!

Weasel, Guelph, Ontario