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Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48102

ARS LONGA VITA ELVIS

Oh, oh. Solid Gold is on. Think I’m going to be sick. You’d think that getting rid of Andy Gimp would be a step in the right direction, but look who they replaced him with—Rex Smith!!

They got to be joking. This guy’s a bit too much, always swinging his arms and wiggling his butt during both fade-ins and fade-outs, and always throwing in an “Oh yeah!” or “Alright1” at every given opportunity. And watch how he grovels and swoons at every given opportunity*

“I don’t have to tell you what a superstar our next guest is...”

Who the fuck is this guy trying to be? A young, white Sammy Davis, Jr.? 1 mean this guy actually laughs out loud at the “jokes”!?! Talk about a twit out of control!

Sq who’s responsible for getting this idiot on national television? Has Don Kirshner got anything to do with this show? They should’ve gotten his brother Michael Lee Smith, instead. God(z) knows he could use the work, and at least he’s got one thing going for him—at least he’s ugly.

Somehow these kind of assholes are much easier to take when they are ugly.

Somebody Else’s Brother,

Satellite Dish, Ontario

P.S. Anyone interested in starting a joint Chris Jagger/Michael McGear Fan Club?

(Not their brothers. —Ed.)

PETER!

Just wondering...what is happening and why are you letting it? What I mean is—they’re certainly making a big thing out of this Who tour! Damn, that’s all we’re hearing about. I don’t know about you, but I personally can’t stand the new Who, or any of their boring music. My mother listens to it! And they have these live broadcasts every single night from the New York concerts—with asinine commentary such as: “Roger is on the left side of the stage. He’s CHEWING SOMETHING!” (Quick! Push the Panic Buttons—all reporters rush the stage! Find out the Important Fax! WHAT IS ROGER CHEWING ON? Gum? Candy? Tobacco? Marbles? FIND OUT!). So, I suppose these Fossil Hunters charge up there and five minutes later (after Lisa Robinson gives us the brand name of Townshend’s favorite Tub ’n’ Tile Cleaner), the QJ breathlessly gives us the Hot Scoop —that in fact—Lord Roger was chewing on BLACK LICORICE and he just SPIT IT. OUT!!! OH MY GOD-SUCH REVELATIONS!

I could DIE! I wonder if someone nabbed the historic wad off the floor? They could have BRONZED it or something! This is for Real—I swear they actually said that (Well, not Lisa Robinson—although she did tell us that “FAMOUS ROCKSTAR” Mick Jones was standing on the side of the stage saying “This is great! This is great!”—and if that’s not profound then what is?). I really think the Who should call this “THE PROSTITUTION TOUR ’82” the way they’re ripping everyone off $17.50 for the shows (“Who’s Next,” I wonder!), they sold out “Summertime Blues” to the Video Freaks (maybe they could interest the makers of Tylenol in “Can’t Explain”?), and they’re even, gonna do a Schlitz (Schlitz?!!) Beer Commercial! Yeah—they could call it a lot of things—maybe the “WHOAR TOUR”...It’s a drag!!!

Well, here’s to Greed,

Lisa

(A Ronnie James Dio fan)

& Wade (An Electric fan)

Norwalk, CT

P.S. Who’s Mick Jones????

(Used to be in “the Clash.”—Ed.)

DRUGS

Too often, current publications dealing with the rock industry can present an image of today’s popular artists which glamorizes the use of drugs. People reading such magazines, impressionable adolescents in particular, can be captivated by these apparently appealing images, and may begin to experiment with drugs.

Your magazine, however, must be credited as being an exception to this all too common rule. CREEM’s “Drug Update ’82” presented a concise and factual presentation about the realities of drug use. Quotes from the musicians themselves criticizing drug use and abuse is as effective a maneuver to influence the reader’s choice whether or not to use drugs.

Once again, CREEM Magazine should be applauded for going against the norm by taking a stand against drugs. The media has a great power which can be detrimental to.its readers if it is abused. CREEM however, has proved the opposite to be an equal, if not greater, truth. Very truly yours,

Elizabeth Mahoney Hicksville, NY

NO HOPE, ELMO!!

Due to the universal dismissal of/indifference to Rory Gallagher’s latest elpee phenom (appropriately titled Jinx) by EVERY major Yankee rockmag, the Future Cable FM Jocks Of The Intercoastal have issued their appraisal of critics for said, ahem, publications. Our research indicates...

CRITICS MOST LIKELY TO...

Do severely cut, time-released hallucinogens:

Joe (Is it soup yet?) Fembacher Get beat up for looking and talking “funny”:

Iman Lababedi and J. Kordosh Eat quiche and sport beards:

Richards Riegel & C. Walls Research TV reruns for us in record reviewing:

Rick (Stoned in Macomb) Johnson Be notoriously poor dancers:

Billy Altman & Robert Christgau Make inexcusable excuses:

Dave DiMartino

Be stomped flat by a salivating mob of RUSH & FEAR groupies united for this sole purpose: J. Kordosh

Have reached menopause:

Dave Marsh & Lisa Robinson Have actual talent:

Jeff Tamarkin, Laura Fissinger and of course. The Dauph (an original idea from Trouser Press has yet to be recorded)

Walkin’ On Hot Coals,

Slade

Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, FL Former home of The “Z” (R.l.P.)

P.S. Ooops! almost forgot the frustrated musician:

Gregg Turner (an inside “joke,” there)

♦

BILLY MUMY!

You know why Foreigner crossed the road? To get to the middle!!!!!!!!! Ha.

Freak

University of Bumfluck Bumfluck, TX

P.S. When is Motorhead gonna tour the States?

(When you wake up. —Ed.)

ZIGGY PICKED BERRIES!

I EAT OREOs AND SPIT IN YOUR FACE!! You had even I, the great Marshal Deb, fooled when you put David Bowie’s name on the cover (Sept, ish). Little did I know, you were going to make fun of him. “Aha!” I thought, “the long-awaited ‘Win & Date With Dave’ contest! This will be super-keen!” Frantically, I flipped thru the mag, but could not find the huge article, (actual!) color pictures, and lists of what DB likes in a girl that I had been expecting. Rabid, I went into a frenzy and knocked myself unconscious by applying the comer of a nearby coffee table to my temple at high speed. Hours later, and much calmer, I went through yer mag again and found the unexpected (not always pleasant, I might add)—review on Baal. O.K., maybe it sucks, I don’t know, but why not do a piece on something goooood? Even tho I bought the soundtrack—as a Devoted Fan it’s my duty—I think he looks like Something in Need of Clearasil that has been robbing graves with its teeth. Of course, it’s not all his fault. I mean, it was written by a guy who doesn’t know it’s supposed to be two ‘L’s instead of two ‘A’s and who lived in Germany which is not a cool place except for Berlin. Since I took the time to type this, (which apparently gets letters printed) and I’ve written to you before about Don’t Pick on Dave—Be Nice, you owe it to me to print this. Do it for the kids, do it for Jerry’s kids.

I swear on a stack of pancakes I wish this were my name...

H.R.M. Marshal Deb

Everette, WA

P.S. Speaking of Porcelana (you did it, not me!), a few years ago when I was doing the more popular of the teenoid jobs (berry picking—the other is Child Prostitution) (this summer I am fashionably employed) the only ad the local truly-lame-but-comes-in-clear-even-ina-goddamn-berry-field radio station ran was for Porcelana. The only people who ever tune into afore-mentioned lame station on purpose are those under 12 or those stuck in a goddamn berry field. Who did they think they were “appealing” to? I, for one, never did get around to telling Gran about the new ugly brown dot remover and taste sensation sweeping the nation. Out loss. (I made up the food part, calorie counters.)

EVERYTHING’S ELMO!

Really now, you call yourself “America’s Only Rock V Roll Magazine” yet you take up five and a half pages with country (shudder). Plus, you have an article on Rosanne Cash? Why won’t you guys do articles on real rock groups? I had a small glimmer of hope when you guys printed your1 Girlschool article which cut through all that new wave mush you print like a knife. How about some articles on Def Leppard and Iron Maiden?

About your t-shirt article in the August issue, who is Bebe? And about most of your issues, who is Elmo? And about all of your issues, who does Rick Johnson think he is?

Why does the number of pages in your mag seem to be less and the number of ads seem to be more?

Do I ask too many questions?

I might be a little late on this but I am angry (yes, angry) about the why you treated Sammy Hagar in your review of Standing Hampton. What do you mean he couldn’t “punch his way out of a used wetnap?” I think Jeffrey Morgan must have “lost half his brain in an accident when he was five years old,” because he sure writes like it.

Well, I’ve really got to go.

Country sucks, Maiden, Sammy H., Def Lep, Sabbath, Scorpions, Saxon, Rush (don’t cry, J. Kordosh), Van Halen, Ozzy, Judas Priest, Rainbow, Motorhead, BOC, etcetera, etcetera, don’t,

So there,

Rivet Head

Who doesn’t really live in Pittsburgh, PA P.S.'Take notice that I made no mention of AC/DC. There is a reason for this.

(Freud would agree. —Ed.)

TARKIO CLAM STAND Why don’t I ever understand any of the jokes in this magazine? Are they all cryptic messages or am I living in my own world where they just don’t mean anything? Does the staff at CREEM live in their own (strange) world where these jokes are actually funny? And what about Richard (whatever happened to Vom?) Meltzer? Does he live in CREEM’s extended universe or Blue Oyster Cult’s? His own? Does he commute? Can you send him to me? I have a dictionary and a thesaurus so’s I can (merely) understand him. He doesn’t have to be gift-wrapped. You can even send him C.O.D.! Hey, you’d be doing him a favor, he’d be safe in my closet. You can’t really expect him to live long after his review of Combat Rock, can you? (I wonder how much a pint of his blood is worth to a Clash fan?) But, like I said, he’ll be safe with me (sorta) (depends on your idea of safe). I’ll protect him from everything but my lips, and my beautiful feet (of course).

Questioning Authority,

Smoking Mescaline and Living in 1968.

Tacoma, WA

P.S. Why is Patti Smith making babies instead of records? (Not that I’ve got anything against Patti being a Mom, I ve just got this sinking feeling that we’ll never hear from her again...unless of course she has a daughter and names her Moon Unit, waits for her to grow up and records a song about “Valley Girls.”) (gag me with a fork) 1) What'does Joe Strummer think of the Gang of Four (the band)? Also, what about a quote from dear Joe concerning the horrendous New Romantic fad.

P.P.S. Speaking about Blue Oyster Cult (I did mention them, didn’t I?)...Dateline...Seattle, July 23, 1982...the Kingdome...BOC explodes Bryan Adams, Joan Jett, Loverboy and Foreigner right into space (so to speak). In their honor the Kingdome has been rechristened the OYSTERDOME!

P.P.P.S. Why are Ann and Nancy Wilson always pictured with dogs? Is this another inside joke I don’t get?

p.p.p.p.s. hi george g.!!

(That’s all, you can finish what you were doing now.)

(Staying awake?—Ed.)

LONG LOST WIFE?

JOE STRUMMER SWEATED ON ME!!! HONgST!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheila, The Only Joe fan that matters.

Buffalo Grove, IL

WAY O’ MILH!

Has anyone else seen the Three Musketeers commercial that says “the more it’s whipped, the bigger it gets,” or is it just my filthy imagination?

A Clash City Rocker

Oak View, CA

CROSBY IS THE HORSE!!

A couple corrections:

1. Gram Parsons and the Byrds did not invent country rock, Mike Nesmith and the Monkees did “Papa Gene’s Blues” and “Sweet Young Thing,” both very country rock, on their first album in 1966. At that time, the Byrds were still diddling around with “Eight Miles High” and Gram Parsons had not yet joined. (If you don’t have the first Monkees album, try “The Kind Of Girl I Could Love” from the second one or most of Headquarters.)

2. I can’t agree with Richard C. Walls’ description of Larry Mondello as someone who “wants to be a bully but can’t quite cut it.” This does a disservice to Larry, who was the only friend the Beaver ever had who actually liked him (unlike Gilbert, Richard and Whitey, all of whom enjoyed seeing the Beav look stupid once in a while.) A better way to sum up Larry is to call him a hedonist—all he cared about was having fun. “Sure, I always wanna have some fun!” he once said. See?

Joey Beretta,

Renton, WA

P.S. Who are Elmo and Otis? All I can think of are Elmo James and Otis Redding, but they’re both dead.

P.P.S. I consider myself the world’s foremost authority on Leave It To Beaver.

P.P.P.S. I think Rick Johnson is America’s finest living non-fiction writer.

P.P.P.P.S. Can I have a job?

(First: who is Slim Harpore?—Ed.)

•SHELL MUSCLES!!

Squeeze interview! You call that a Squeeze interview?!? (October 1982) Dave what’s-hisname spent more time giving all his reasons why people shouldn’t compare Difford & Tilbrook to Lennon & McCartney...and did Squeeze have any idea he was going to do that? I doubt it.

When he finally got to the interview, he asked some of the most stupid questions I’ve ever heard, and many of them didn’t even really concern their music or themselves. Then, he explains all about the Zombies. Sure, the Zombies were a good ’60s pop band, but this is a Squeeze interview! Then he says about the album U.K. Squeeze, and 1 quote, “...John Cale produced the first one; must’ve been a bad week for him...” What if some of us happen to really like the album? And, those 16 Magazine things like “What record would they take with them if they were on a desert island and could only take one, etc.”: Give us a break! Then he suggests to Glenn that... “perhaps Squeeze needed a rubber masked, charismatic image much like Iron Maiden to get their point across in America.” ...Who does.this guy think he is?!? Anyway, who wants to be like Iron Maiden? Sick band if you ask me, ‘“666 is the number of the beast,” and all those dumb lyrics. So, Dave, leave Squeeze’s “no-image” image alone, okay? Next time get someone who can conduct a proper interview—like me!

Marci Misadventure a.k.a.

Missy T. a.k.a.

Wendi Depford

of

Glenn Ridge, NJ (soon moving back to London)

(Who dropped that clam?—Ed.)

BONEY MAHONEY!!

There are a few questions and opinions that have been weighing on my already overloaded brain as of late. I beg of you, please print my humble note and rid me of my demons! I’m sure you don’t want the dire accusation that “messages from Canada are being suppressed” preying on YOUR consciences. Of course not...

2) Whatever happened to the B-Girls? You know, they were friends of Debbie Harry. (They also used to hang out with JOHNNY THUNDERS—ohhh, intense envy and jealousy and longing! Johnny, I love you and that’s not bullshit. PLEASE take care of your wonderful self. I’m coming soon to get you.)

3) Aldo Nova makes me think of worms, Loverboy, Ronald Reagan, television commercials, and other vomit-inducing things.

4) The Clash no longer excite me—which is depressing. However, your review of Combat Rock was boring, rather pointless, and partially true (as many of your reviews are. CREEM gets more pretentious all the time.).

5) I still mourn Lester Bangs, who I’ve always felt close to just from reading his stuff. I pray that there will always be many people who believe, as he did, that rock ’n’ roll is PASSION. That LIFE is passion. I need to believe that more than ever these days.

6) Where, oh where, is beautiful Richard Hell???

Oh, I feel much better now, don’t you? One more year in this repressing, semi-fascist city and I’m off to N.Y.C. to enjoy filth, sleaze, excitement, music and all those skinny male punks wandering about (though not necessarily in that order).

Love and hot passionate kisses,

Dawn-Aeron W.,

Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada (Love those bowling balls.—Ed.)

BUGGLE AGAIN SOONI

“Hey, Bobby! Ya wanna come over to my house tonite? We can drink some beer, listen to my new Asia album and maybe watch SCTV!” “I don’t know, Tony—me and Debbie were gonna go see E.T. again.”

I Can’t Stand It!

Viv

Commack, NY

P.S. If Aerosmith or the DoDs were still around...

P.P.S. Husker Du!

JOE’S EARS!!

Hey!! I’ve been noticing in many of your recent issues women who have started publicly professing unrequited LUST for Clash-type fellows, BUT THE QUESTION IS: CAN THEY WRITE STOOPID POETRY??!!??!!!!???? The following is a prime example of a budding new branch of poetry—GROUPIE PROSE. It is dedicated to my true blue Clash-guy. (Also to be sung to the tune of “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”)

MAKE MINE MICK Think I’ll have to make you sick Til tell you why I must dig Mick Joe is smart and has the clothes But when we kiss I get his nose So show your claws and or bleach your hair Mick’U melt you with a stare

Paul is silent, strong and deep Trouble is—he falls asleep Topper’s head’s on pretty tight Though his wedding ring might bite So Ellen can just Train in Vain / want Mick in leather and chain Foley shouldn’t stay but go! (Repeat)

If she stays—I’ll have her head If she go—I’ll have Mick—to bed So she can leave and make it cool—

I’ll take Mick—skinny and cruel

Kissie-kissie (but ya still gotta print this!), Scizzy

Honolulu, HI

P.S. GROUPIES UNITE!!!!

P.P.S. The only reason I bought the Sept, issue was to ogle the three Clash photos—NOT because of the grossly over-dressed David Lee Growth! Growth must really have to work at being a human being—he looks like he needs a nice distemper shot.

P.P.P.S. Whenever I look deep into Mick Jones’ eyes—I see little burning one-story ranch houses in ’em.

P.P.P.P.S. Richard Meltzer has a dead bic in his eyed.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Can I stop now?

(Everyone else already did. —Ed.)

NOTHING AT ALL!

Wanna hear something really sickening?

(If you beasties print this I will bum my entire Black Sabbath record collection.)

Q: Why are the Go-Go’s all virgins?

A: Because their lips are sealed!

Vomiting Profusely, in San Jose, CA

P.S. Mick Jagger stuffs socks in his trousers. True or false?

P.P.S. Leif Garrett is really a girl.

P.P.P.S. My grandmother listens to Loverboy records. Do you care?

BELLY TO BAR!!

I’m confused. Is Esoterick Johnson’s navel an “innie” or an “outie”? If it’s an innie, that explains why when he swallows quarters it dispenses cannonballs. If it’s an “outie,” that explains why he looks to be about nine months pregnant. Answer me quick, so I can go back to my thesis on why Rick considers Fingerprintz’s Distinguishing Marks “a soundtrack for cod stomping.”

Happy Entrails!

(Is Rick wincing? Tell me Rick is wincing!)

Mike Perini

Ypsilanti, MI

P.S. Rick, teach me how to be a rock critic and I’ll teach you how to type.

P.P.S. Constructive criticism? Whoever heard of THAT?

P.P.P.S. When played backwards, “Burning Down One Side” says “Home taping saves you a lot of trouble.”

IMPORTANT!

DearCREEM,

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING KISS IS FOR LITTLE KIDS OR THEY ARE NOT TALENTED!, THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL!! AT LEAST KISS CAN WRITE SONGS! THE PUNK ROCKERS CANNOT EVEN SING THEIR WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG!!!!

K. PRICE

LA MESA, CA (An interesting point. —Ed.)

WOOSH!!

I’m writing this to tell the girl who thought she was Van Halen’s most devoted fan that she’s wrong. I am. I have 6 posters, 3 LARGE photo albums (starting #4), 2 Van Halen shirts, a jean jacket with Dave painted on the back (which took me 2 weeks to paint and a guy offered me $200 for it and I turned it down), 7 buttons, and just this year I’ve spent over $350 on Van Halen items. That’s just the beginning. I’ve hitched 15 miles (one way) to buy Van Halen tickets, I send a letter to Dave almost every month. I have all their albums, know all the words, and even have their songbooks (although I don’t play any instruments). By the way, you didn’t say that Alex is 6’ tall, 175 pounds, has green eyes, drives a Toyota land cruiser, likes Hawaii, shooting targets at the rifle ranges, and watches Leave It To Beaver. Oh, and his birthday is May 8, 1955. Personally, I love Dave. Who’s 6’3” tall, green eyes, 165 pounds, born October 10, 1957, his first sexual ‘experience’ was when he was 14 and in Tahiti (which is also his favorite place). My only plans for the future are to see them on November 15 for my birthday (they were GREAT on October 8 at Madison Sqr. Grd.!). And when I get enough money I’m packing my bags and following them all across America. I don’t know why Dave has paternity insurance (I wouldn’t mind having one of his!). And it is true that Mike married a long-time girlfriend of his. Anyway, back to Dave, if anyone happens to know him out there give him my address, or better yet give me his!

I LOVE DAVE!

C.S.

Yorktown Hgts, NY

P.S. It would be really great if you got pictures that aren’t already used to put in your mag. It’s beat to see the same one’s used again.

(How ’bout that economy?—Ed.)

SHOELESS JOE!!

In his review of the Clash’s Combat Rock (Sept. ’82), the 37-year-old “R.” Meltzer accuses them of selling out and becoming “mere rock ’n’ roll.” Lenin said that the capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with. The Clash have used the enemy (in this case, CBS Records) to get their political message across. What’s the use of being a voice crying in the wilderness? But maybe that s all they are in the pop/rock world, too. Even if it all goes bust and they self-destruct (a possibility strongly suggested by Strummer’s soul-searching retreat to Paris), at least they really tried to accomplish something. They’ve had the courage to follow their instincts, constantly evolve in new directions, and retain integrity and ideals.

So before we cast any stones, let’s set Meltzer’s house in order. In his review, he states that“R&R fame and fortune is...the lamest goal available to one of wit and spark.” Apparently he didn’t think so in 1977 when he jumped gleefully aboard the punk bandwagon, set in motion by the Clash among Others, with his own band of ego-addicts called Vom. Taking his cue from such self-parody artistes as the Ramones and the Dead Boys, the ever-original “R.” Meltzer barfed up such socially-concerned ditties as “Wee On Me,” “Electrocute Your Cock,” and “Broads Are Equal.” The obvious psychological advantage of this self-consciously satiric stance is that no one can ever call you a failure, since you never put yourself on the line to start with.

Let me tell you about integrity, kid. Everyone please turn to p. 34 of Caroline Coon’s 1988: The New Wave Punk Rock Explosion, and catch an eyeful of Joe’s distinctive shabby white shoes. This photo was taken in ’76, and in the band photo printed with Meltzer’s review, Joe, even though he’s now a hot-shit “rock star,” is wearing exactly the same pair of shoes. Now if that’s not unassailable proof of integrity, 1 don’t know what is. Were you aware that, in order to bring out Sandinista! at a more affordable price than their record company desired, the Clash agreed to a sizable reduction in royalties? The Clash obviously don’t regard their fans with such contempt as Meitzer does in calling them “sheepfolks.” But then, cynicism is such a safe refuge, isn’t it?

I also enjoy the bands Meitzer lauds (Throbbing Gristle, PiL, Fall). (Note that the tired old hippie misogynist didn’t mention any femme eccentrics like the Slits or the Raincoats.) But why close your ears to all music except the prescribed lastest cool thirig? So John Lydon says that rock is dead. As he’s stated many times, he doesn’t want to be looked up to as better than anyone else; so his opinion is a questionable as anyone’s. Don’t follow leaders! Anyway, for my money, most of Combat Rock doesn’t even sound like rock: it’s a good deal more adventurous than that.

Still A Clash fan,

Rebecca Day

New York, NY

P.S.You should give Meitzer more assignments like this. He’s really doing quite well, considering the amount of brain damage he’s sustained.

(What about the Mohawk?—Ed.)

DRUG!!

There I was, standing in line at my local QuikPik, when your familiar rash-on-the-newsstand logo caught my easily-distracted eye. Imagine my surprise when the cover informed me that “this magazine can save (my) life”! Hey, thanks, CREEM! It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

Convinced I would find 10 dollar bills taped to the pages, I rushed home, mag in hand. Alas, no moolah, but something almost as good: your special report on drink and drugs.

(Let me wax serious [as opposed to wroth (Roth?)] can the parentheses awreddy!) and say that your article was remarkable in its clarity, its truth, and its care. Obviously much time and work and thought went into this; believe me, it shows. I hate to sound like an earnest member of the PTA, but I do wish your article could be distributed in schools, shown to every kid who wants to grow up to play with a full deck and especially those who don’t care. Considering the amount of misinformation, half-truths and scare stories fed to us by so-called authorities and amplified by the media, is it any wonder that kids are willing to try anything once? Half the shit handed down is proveb wrong by first-hand experience, so how can you believe anything they say? And as for the medical corps, most of them are far too busy writing scripts for Valium and Librium to notice that their patients are slowly becoming addicted, so the hell with the Surgeon General and all the researchers in all the labs. That’s what made your, article so refreshing: it was Reagan. I know Ron would enjoy Rick Johnson’s style. Bravo, CREEM.)

Of course this wouldn’t be a really CREEM letter without some freestyle spleen, so—

J. Kordosh, from Livonia? No wonder!

Best caption, pg. 30.

Worst photo, Backstage. Hey, if I wanted to look at a woman with a mouth big enough to park buses in (top left), I’ll start buying Hustler.

Affectionately,

The Lady in Black

Thornapple Valley, USA (It’s a deal!—Ed.)

YEAR COUNT 2189!!

I heard in TV that if you played a Black Sabbath record backwards you would hear satanic messages. So I got out the old reel to reel and record Mob Rules and played it backwards.

I didn’t hear any satanic messages, but the songs

sure sounded better.

Mike Lewis

Mansfield, OH

P.S. If you read CREEM backwards it still doesn’t make any sense.

P.P.S. Why not some articles on The Human Switchboard, surely you’ve heard of them— even in Michigan?

(Perhaps one day Detroit will approach the megalopolis that is Mansfield. —Ed.)

MAYBE IT WONT!

Like I don’t really get into this trip that some of you guys are on. I think it’s called “Punk Rock”. Like dirty safety pins in noses are a massive turnoff. Like if some cute guy came up to you and looked you in the eye and was checkin’ you out, and he was wearing black nailpolish and had a purple Mohawk, like I would say, “later babe.” And did you ever notice what beat names they have? Fear. Wow, what a trip. Compare that with Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden. Which freaks on your head more, 1 ask you? Like burnouts never get in CREEM. And there was this whole big deal with that drug issue. I can definitely get into that. I found out like I’m in The Late Phase. Beat. Like all you kids out there,, remember that though drugs are fun, they are stupid and once you get turned on it’s hard to stop. Like I might have a month left to live, or something. Isn’t that a bummer? Anyway, before I OD, I want to like say a few things. Is that cool, or what?

1. Aerosmith rules. Steven Tyler is sexy and I want to have his baby. But knowing my head now, like it might have three heads or something.

2. Joe Perry is a fox. Please tell him to divorce Cyrinda Foxe, it’s stupid name and mine is much better.

3. Please open Jim Morrison’s coffin and tell me if he’s in there. Like enough with this Africa garbage, is it him or what?

4. Jeff Beck is a babe. But isn’t he in his fifties or something?

Anyways, like be sure to tell your readers that drugs are stupid. Like the Burnout Scene is real bad. Leather jackets, chains, long hair, non-existent eyes, and getting stoned in .school. Most schools don’t care how wasted you are, that’s a problem. If you get into this shit, it shows that you’re really sad and like why don’t you OD and get life over with, y’know? Anyway thank you and Rick Johnson for that cool article. Maybe I’ll get help y’know, because being a addict sucks y’know. Stay cool guys.

Peace,

Alice

Hackensack, NJ