MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

CONCERT OF "JERK"!!!

R. Meltzer is the worst rock critic ever and his piece on Combat Rock is the worst record review in the history of modem publication. Idiotic, incoherent, unreadable, full of hip abbreviations and smarmy slang, the review gave me quite a headache and said almost nothing about the Clash's fine new LP. Meltzer's unexplainable reputation must be the only reason he was given space in your magazine, since he obviously cannot write or, most importantly, think straight. His sentimental wish that the Clash make the same manner of rock 'n' roll as in 1977 is just ridiculous. Would Mr. Meltzer like them to exist in suspended animation, singing the last verse to "White Riot" on every inch of space of their albums? It is childish to think they have somehow "betrayed" you because they are not living up to the dreary standards you have presumptuously set for them? And putting the Clash in competition with Dylan and the Beatles by citing albums related to each other only by virtue of the fact that they were the 5th album by the particular group is so ludicruous and just plain dumb that I can't believe a human mind thought of it. Combat Rock isn't a good album because it isn't as good as Bringing It All Back Home? Also, Mr. Meltzer, I've got news for you: 1982. Eighty-two. Not '77. I hope CREEM has learned its lesson. Sincerely,

Tim Botta Dunedin, FL

P.S. At least you can dance to Combat Rock. Can't say as much for Meltzer's review.

(You probably can't say much in general. —Ed.)

WE'LL LET KEN PARKER SING THIS ONE..."

To all time great rock journalist John Neilson: Congratulations! You finally got your big break (the Iron Maiden article) and you came through like the trouper that you are. Mission Impossible?!?...not for John! Keep up the good work & hope to see more of your in-depth HM reports—but then again, I like dogshitl Yours truly,

Eddie

Somewhere between Madison, WV & Columbus, Ohio

HIGHWAY TO DARN!

Why is AC/DC constantly featured in your magazine? Must you resort to such commercialism time after time? Sure AC/DC sells, but don't you think it's about time for the intelligent reader to have a reason to purchase your mag?

Where are the big features on the Jam, the Gang of Four, and XTC? When will we see Paul Weller sprawled on your front cover instead of Angus (ugly as hell) Young?

The Jam (Weller, Buckler, and Foxton) have been conquering. Great Britain for the last six years, yet you have remained virtually ignorant towards realizing the importance of this English trio.

In the late '70s your magazine (as well as countless others) made a fortune by consistently publishing stories and photos featuring those mindless pop wonders, KISS. The same is occurring with AC/DC today.

So please give us intelligent readers a-break. A little more of the Jam, because after all, this is the MODern world.

Respectfully yours,

Leo Galasso

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

P.S. America may have given birth to Rock 'n' Roll but it's Great Britain who adopted it in early 1964, and has been nourishing it ever since. (Perhaps you will hear surf music again.—Ed.)

YOOO-HOOO!!!!

So why never, ever any gay rocker letters in CREEM?

David L. Roth is autosexual. Hall & Oates are married and Tom Robinson is in England so who does that leave?'

The boy of choice...the lavender letter please...John Cougar!

Not to say he's one way or another, but every biker worth his H.D. wings walks on the wild side once in a while.

Love to get my arms around that cute lunkheap's waist on his going cycle thru hicksland. Come on out, J.C.!!

"Kitten"

40 Miles From Gay Ground Zero

P.S. Never sexually attracted to Arnold the pig, but yes, he is cute too.

P.S.S. Boycott US Festival! Wozniak says "Definitely didn't want any real way out punk music." Shit.

(Been to Bad Axe lately?—Ed.)

DUMBO HAD A MOHAWK!!!

I would nebber have thunk I'd still be writing to a music publication after turning 32 years old, but I've uncovered two unusual items recently and thought you Michigan weerdos could enlighten me.

1. Is that really Adrian Belew singing lead vocal on "Neal and Jack and Me" on King Crimson's Beat LPV or is it actually STEVE MILLER?!? I played the tune backwards and could swear I heard the words "Somebody gimme a CHEESEBURGER!"...

2. How come nobody ever pointed out that the cover of London Calling has the same color scheme (black and white photo, pink and green lettering) as Elvis's first album? What's the connection? Joe Strummer another of the El's paternity suit children from way back when?

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Willie "I-am-Mortimer-Snerd's-son" G. Montgomery, AL

(Your future as an astute rock critic is assured. Wait for our call. —Ed.)

ELEFANTE PARTS!!

I would like to send some obnoxious words to the so-called reviewer "Dick" Johnson, on his review of the new Kansas LP, Vinyl Confessions! He should stick to albums more his speed such as Mr. Rogers' Welcome To My Neighborhood, etc.

Mr. Johnson deserves a permanent vacation from what I had considered one of rock's better mags.

I would like to send Dick a one-way, all-expense-paid trip to the scene of the next PLO bombing.

The Kansas record, probably one of this hot rockin' bands many albums.

Kansas' new lead singer, John Elefante, (Barely mentioned in the Bullshit review) rocks just as massively as Steve Walsh ever did.

I can't say I look forward to the next ish.

Sorry Guys!

P.A.

Ocean, NJ

P.S. The sounds which the "fool" didn't really care about was Robby Steinheart's wailin' violin!!

P.P.S. Kansas wailed at the Spectrum August, 13th.

(Some would say Kansas hasn't "whaled" enough. Know what we mean?—Ed.)

HUM JOB!

I saw them standing there in the pages of CREEM,

The Runaways set to cherry bomb the American scene.

Cherie was looking great,

Sandy, a drummer first rate.

And I could tell it wouldn't be long, till they would soon rule, yeah rule (singing),

I love the Runaways! Queens of Noise shall inherit the earth!

Rebel rocker girls! Curse the day Rick's mom gave birth!

Rocked, so I went out and bought the LP,

While everyone asked what tine hell was wrong with me.

I said, I love Lita so much,

Her guitar is the best as such,

When I heard Jackie's bass, I knew this was just great, so great

Upon hearing those songs by Joan, I just had to run to the phone (screaming)

I love the Runaways! Queens of Noise shall inherit the earth!

Rebel rocker girls! Curse the day Rick's mom gave birth!

Susan Herman

New Rochelle, New York rocks!

(Your poem is the ''best as such."—Ed.)

DUMBEST YET!!

CREEMbos, didn't a couple of discs recently come out from the studios of King-Elvis and the Clash?? How 'bout it? Nary a word from your rag! You also passed up a hot 12-inch single by Bucky the Wonder Dog. Get wit' it. Well, at least you're not like that other rock 'n' roll(????????) magazine that doesn't even believe the Boomtown Rats or the Cramps exist, instead putting Dustin Hoffman on the front cover. PFOOOOEY! They claim they like EC but I bet he don't like them. Here are a couple of comments and opinions from the peanut gallery:

1. I can't type.

2. The Slickee Boys and the Insect Surfers are the DeeCee premiers. Nighthawks who?

3. Stick rockers like Carlene Carter, Bonnie Raitt, and Louanne Barton in CREEM DREEM. Stick Susan Lynch in Penthouse where we can realy enjoy her.

4. Rockpile lives?!?!

5. WHFS IS THE BITCHINGIST station in DC. Howie Stem of DC101 can go behind a bush with DL Roth. Milo is sufficient.

6. Stray Cats, Blasters, and Shakin' Stevens belong on FM airwaves instead of (Not along side of, mind you) Judas Priest and Saxon. (What is a Saxon?)

7. Who the hell are the Shakin' Pyramids and what is "Reeferbilly Boogie"? (I thought it was a new band called, Charlie Burton and the Bunnymen.)

8. Yes, I am an out of the closet Joe "King" Carrasco fan, but I groove with the Paul Collins Beat.

9. The Skip Castro Band is THE only good thing about UVA. (There is nothing good about tech.)

10. Thank gawd Phillip Cotter admists to liking a band not played on PGC. Apparently ol' baldy appreciates SOFT CELL.

11. Human League, Soft Cell, Squeeze, XTC, Johansen, The Jam, Nick the Knife and Haircut 100 are throwbacks to the mid-'60s, the new trend in music.

THE KIDS ARE THE SAME,

THE LONELY FROG NOVA (not Aldo, for Chrissakes)

P.S.

12. Asia rates somewhere between Neil Young's Block party and Rick Johnson's last blind date.

(All of Rick Johnson's dates have been blind—Ed.)

...AND THEN THERE'S...

Famous Rock 'n' Roll Conversations Joe Strummer and Topper TOP: Joe, I want to have a talk with you about...

JOE: Know your rights...aaaallllllll three of 'em!

TOP: Stop it Joe!

JOE: Go straight to hell, boys!

TOP: Will you stop that already!??

JOE: You have the right to food money .

TOP: When are you gonna start playing some rock 'n' roll again? Joe?

JOE: Know your rights!

TOP: I can't take this anymore Joe.

JOE: These are your rights...

Elvis Costello and Nick Lowe

E.C.: So Nick, have you listened to my new album yet?

NICK: Yeah. Why didn't you tell me about it? I could've produced it y'know.

E.C.: I called but you weren't home.

NICK: I'll tell you what. We'll remix the really bad ones and release them on an EP.

E.C.: What are you talking about?

NICK: This is. all my fault. I should've been keeping my eye on you.

E.C.: You mean that you don't like it???

NICK: Don't worry about it. My new album sucks, too. These things happen...

E.C.: I thought it was great, Nick.

NICK: I bet Billy Sherrill is behind all this! What did he say to you in Nashville?!

E.C.: Nothing, Nick! It was all my idea! Listen. I'm going to release a new album right before Christmas. It's gonna have some disco on it. What do you think?

NICK: Declan!

Steven Ullmer

Hackensack, NJ

HACK *N' SACK!!

Well, that did it. That Asia review by Christgau was the camel that broke my straw back. You assholes have gotten me mad one time too many. I put up with Rick Johnson and his rampant snide misanthropy, I held my peace when you slashed MTV (the greatest thing to hit rock' since the FM band was invented) to ribbons, I even remained calm when you refused to print the many letters I wrote to you under all my favorite aliases. But when you dare give the 4 most talented musicians in this complete cosmos a Cjust one short month after Dave DiMartino's Rick Johnson imitation which made them look like a garage band with synths that does it. As of this moment on, I'm switching to Circus.

Yes, Circus. Why, you may ask? Well, here's three good reasons why!

1) Circus recognizes the merits of art rock. Circus treats art rockers like the talented, intelligent people they are. You write off these sensitive and smart human beings as robots while you praise oatmeal-brained lunkheads like Joe Strummer and John Lydon (not to mention Laurie Anderson and Lene Lovich, those high priestesses of terminal cocaine brain, gimme a break) to high heaven. How many brains does it take to slam out three chords? None. How many brains does it take to play the Fairlight Synthesizer? Plenty! At least Circus is aware of this fact!

2) Circus is fair and objective to every band they write about. Whether it's Led Zeppelin or Loverboy, Circus sends out writers with a genuine interest in the band they are covering, and they come back with something nice to say about everyone. You sadistic retards send out butchers with the sole purpose about, everyone, who doesn't carry the label "punk" or "radical new wave" look like a fool! You make intelligent artists look dumb just to make dumb artists look intelligent!

3) Circus employs smart writers. You can tell that the quality of their journalism is high, their IQs are over 10 and they all have had some sort of journalistic schooling. Your mag reads like it was written by high school dropouts who never even wrote one word for the school paper! (I myself took journalism, was a rock critic for the school rag and am now studying communications at a prominent New Jersey college.) Now I know you like music made by retards. You obviously have the same level of intelligence that they do!

And also, I've been writing to you lunks for years and never got published. As an experiment, I wrote one letter praising Rainbow (only metal' band with brains) and their hunkacious singer Joe Lynn Turner to Circus, using one of my favorite aliases, Gillian (I hardly ever use the name I was given when I stepped out of the womb anymore, which, by the way, is Nicole Marie Brandon.). One letter, mind you, and bingo! I was published on the first try! At least Circus reads the letters they're sent, instead of grabbing a handful at random and tossing the rest into the trash like you.

I rest my case, and I urge all art rockers and other intelligent people to forget this rag and cross over to Circus, for good rock reading that won't drain your brain. I'm warning you CREEM—shape up or you'll be losing lots more readers!

' Maureen Fraser Alias Nicki Alias Topsy AliasJane College Alias Gillian

Gathering wisdom in Hackettstown, NJ (Your perspective is "unique."—Ed.)

DOODLEY SQUAT!!

I'm writing this to tell you that I'm the most devoted fan Van Halen ever had. I'd sell my own mother for the opportunity to meet them. They absolutely fascinate me. I know all the words to every song they ever recorded. I even send them cards on their birthdays. (By the way, you didn't list Alex or Mike's birthdays in the May and June issues, which really extremely upset me and my friends. We almost stopped reading CREEM because of this insignificant little fact. We were ready to send a hit man for you. You're just lucky our funds were too depleted to pay him after we squandered it on the latest issues of CREEM, Hit Parader and Circus, CREEM setting us back for the most cash, but with less color and glossy photos.)

Oh! Please tell DLR I'll be contacting Lloyd's of London in the very near future. Also tell Alex that it's totally gauche to hang sex dolls in a concert hall.

Aside from that, anything he does is OK with me. (He's so wicked. I just love him!)

Hey! I heard that Mike got married recently. Curiosity compels me to ask if this is rumor or truth. You know?

Forget this biz. Back to Alex. What a fox. In case you haven't guessed it yet, I'm infatuated with him. He gives rhythm a whole new meaning.

Well, I've got to stop before I go too far. (You remember my last letter!)

Love & kisses to Alex,

Little Dreamer Milwaukee, WI

(It's encouraging that great minds such as yours will one day lead our country. —Ed.)

SNEAKER

Do ALL people in Zion, IL, seriously drool over dumb jerks like Bob Geldof???? One of the BEST BANDS IN THE USA lives in and around Zion. SHOES!!! They're a hell of a lot better looking, and they're infinitely more talented.! Get a grip, willya?

DEF LEPPARD RULES....!

Twang,

RWZ!

The Geek of

Paris, IL