CONSUMER GUIDE: TOYS & TOOLS OF DOPE

CONSUMER GUIDE: TOYS & TOOLS OF DOPE

J. Kordosh

It's one thing to do dope, it's another to do dope right. Whazzat mean? Well, if you want to believe the multi-million dollar "paraphernalia" industry, it mean you need certain accoutrements to truly enjoy your high. Whether or not you actually need any of the souped-up Tonka Toys they peddle is certainly open to question, but they're there and people buy 'em. Try to forget that everything listed is a few million times over-priced—the stuff you use paraphernalia for isn't exactly the bluelight special, either.

WHAT DO YOU GET?

Most paraphernalia revolves around two drugs: coke and weed. This is probably because coke is so ridiculously expensive that users aren't gonna whine about anything that costs ten bucks, even a shoelace. Weed, on the other hand, is probably the most popular illicit substance in the world. Both drugs lend themselves to all manner of cutesie gadgets that have a certain outlaw appeal, especially to teenagers. The majority of other drugs (smack, pills) don't require a lot of mechanics to ingest—except, perhaps, a spoon and a needle, and how many junkies lose sleep over their social status?

As for weed, the most obvious (and necessary) thing you need is papers. Since papers can be used for rolling tobacco, they're readily available and reasonably priced. Some connoisseurs get into the "cut" (e.g., width), weight, and composition (e.g., "Spanish rice paper," "Fine Corinthian leather," or somesuch), but don't let their problems become yours. Papers are papers are papers.

Moving on to roach clips, things start to get a bit silly. It's pretty damned obvious that a simple alligator clip is all you need, but the buying public is always eager for a distinctive or gaudy gee-gaw. Head shop clips run two or three bucks, and can be fairly ornate—stuff like six-inch clips that spell "taste" in twisty stainless steel or likeness of people, uh, copulating right before your very toke. Listen, if alligator clips are too short for you, pick up on a hemostat, OK?

Pipes are another in-demand item; a reasonable hash pipe runs around ten bucks. Things can get out of hand pretty quickly, though: elaborate wood-carvings can put you in the $25-$30 range, and hookahs of any quality start around $40. As with papers, connoisseurs tend to wax a little nutso about pipes, so keep in mind that you can construct a perfectly acceptable pipe out of aluminum toil in the privacy of your own blacklight.

Since many a weed-lover tries to cultivate hemp in the home, flora-minded entrepreneurs push any number of ''useful" aids, like indoor lights, carbon dioxide generators, nutrients, timers, and reflectors. So-called "complete systems" will cost you something like $400...the same equipment, purchased from tropical fish stores and nurseries, might lop a bill or two off the price. However, it might not look as cool.

If the m.j. gear is a bit laughable, cocaine paraphernalia is positively inane. Possibly this is because it's directed at both users and dealers, who are often both the same distant relative of man. First off, natch, is the functional and durable item known in coke circles as the "mirror." Head shop mirrors are probably the only things extant that are actually dumber looking than Kansas albums, featuring everything from unicorns to Hinduism to incredibly clever take-offs on Coca-Cola ads. The price?... about a ten-spot, and surely well worth it.

Coke spoons deserve a mention if only for their saccharin design. Costing two or three bucks, these examples of cutlery-forSmurfs range from the true (don't be deceived!) spoon to teensy shovels and— get this—even wheelbarrows! No coke in town this week? Don't worry, get out the Monopoly board and use 'em as tokens. Go directly to jail and no fair bringing the 4-way Nasal Spray!

Possibly the most useful coke items— well, at least they seem to have some use—are "tooters," constructed from cheap plastic and capable of holding about a quarter-gram, of coke. These handy ($4-$5) allow you to grab a snort without going through the razor/mirror/straw routine, and remember—that's cheap plastic. If you're a regular user, a tooter might last you weeks, maybe.

Moving into the tawdry realm of dealing, we find many items of inestimable value to the consumer. Foremost on the shelf are a variety of whacks that are sold under the police-deceiving name "incense." The trade names of these incenses—"PseudoCaine," "Ultra-Caine," "White Lady Caine," and, probably, "Yes, Sisters, We Caine, Caine," are worth a perusal for anyone interested in superior advertising techniques, The prices are also of interest. I, for one, find it hard not to write a check right now—a pound of "Milky Trails" only costs a thousand bucks! Like, quick, pay me, CREEM! It's reasonable to guess that most of this stuff is mannitol, inositol, or any other common cut, but anybody that dreams up these names deserves that extra buck.

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Dealers might also be advised to pick up on junk like triple-beam balances (starting around $70), Dealing grind-gear (50 bucks for the "Exectutive Kit"), and "The Personal Privacy Detector," which tells you if your phone's bugged. Can you afford to live without them?

More serious is the availability of free-base paraphernalia. Now, I'm sure practically everyone needs a quart of petroleum ether on their medicine shelf, but ten bucks does seem a little steep. Slick coke-smoke pipes are ready for the buying, too, and if you're free-basing, the price scarcely matters. About the only thing you can't get is the I.V. Valium the hospital will use to stop your seizures.

As for the rest of the dope-gear, hightech pillboxes,-nitrous buzz-bombs, and butyl nitrate (e.g., Jockaroma, Locker room, other non-hetero trade names) pretty much cover the scene. They're all "certainly worth buying," unless you've gotta eat or something.

WHERE DO YOU GET IT?

The traditional place to pick up on paraphernalia is the "Head Shop," which is, generally, a storefront or out-of-biz gas station that's been converted to modem use. Head shop operators are unusually adept at disguising the true purpose of their establishments, often selling things you can actually use, like T-shirts and earrings, right next to the dope toys.

Sadly (for these earnest businessmen), many states and communities are wise to the scam, and the smarmy bunch seem to be on the run. Cpunt 'em out in the next five years or so, and don't shed a tear.

Which leaves the U.S. mail, which has been the backwoods source all along. Dope tools will probably be available until the Feds can figure out just what in the hell "incense" is, and stuff like pipes and papers will be a little hard to crack down on in any event.

Truly interested users can pick up on High Times magazine, which features paraphernalia ads that are stupid enough to run in the supermarket weeklies. Not only that, you get exciting stories that start like: "Swallowing cocaine-filled condoms is hardly news... "

Hey, I'll say it's not! I just did five myself... you?!