MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, M148012

YOU SAID IT!!

I’ve just finished reading your April 1982 edition of CREEM Magazine, and found it to be the best piece of trash I’ve even read. You people have no class when it comes to interviewing and writing a story about a musical group. Your people think they know everything there is to know about music, when a teenager could give me a better story about a group than any of your reporters could ever write!

Why don’t you people print a halfway decent magazine, like Musician magazine? At least they print a magazine that doesn’t ask a bunch of illiterate questions, and then write up a review with a sarcastic attitude. It’s okay to give your views about a group, but it doesn’t have to be in a smart alec way.

The people you send to do interviews sound like they’re a group of high school drop-outs trying to make a buck! There’s no need to use street language in your magazine at all! For one thing, I’m a person who understands English, and that type of language is only used by people who are trash themselves. If I were a famous musician, I wouldn’t give your people the time of day! Now, maybe by what I’ve written so far you can see I hate your magazine. I’m not the only person who thinks this way about your magazine, and the only reason I’U ever buy one of your magazines again is for the pictures only.

That’s another thing! The pictures in your magazine are great; but why ruin it with those stupid captions you put by them. Why can’t you people get your minds out of the gutter! There’s no class in using captions saying “LSD is great” or “Hey, man, you shoulda used your Scope!!”. Face it, you people have demented minds when it comes to writing a magazine, it’s going to put you and your magazine in the gutter along with your minds!

Lover Of Rock Music

Columbus, OH (You may have a point. —Ed.)

TULI OR TOMORROW!!

The first album by the band Fear (album title: The Record) is the only rock ’rv’ roll record that has not given me ear fester since the Fugs.

Waiting for the next Fear,

Lon Ponschock

Appleton, WI

P.S. Aren’t you glad that this letter is so short and I’m not trying to shoot off by showing you how clever I am by writing about Bucky the Wonder Dog or anything?

(In a way. —Ed.)

CRASH!!

I was very disappointed when I read your article on the Cars in the May issue. The article itself was fine, true to CREEM’s reporting style, but why the hell didn’t you mention Ben Orr’s name (at least) before the 10th paragraph? And why did you print such a disgusting picture of him on page 30? PUKE!! I think the glamour guy of the band deserves better than that!! I can’t even believe it!! And then to say Ben Orr was reticent—god!! You could’ve at least printed what HE SAID that made you decide to print that about him. All I can say is, get me an interview with the guy and I’ll give you a great article. (Reticent mood, GOD!!) (Speak to me Ben, I miss you.)

Sincerely, (?)

MegMcCarben

“Cool Town”, CA

KIWI FUN!!

If you can print an illiterate letter from Mexico,

1 figure you can print a literate one from New Zealand. (Besides, if you do, I’ll consider renewing my subscription.)

The MAIN reason I read CREEM is the humour. I don’t mean the captions, or even Rick Johnson—though both aren’t bad sometimes... no, I mean your apparently-serious letters and articles debating the merits of English trends. Best one so far was the Spandau Ballet interview (?) in the Aug ’81 issue. Precious! Your thoughts on Adam Ant leave me in hysterics, and I can’t WAIT for your comments on the Human League’s Phil Oakey. Oboy oboy! Hey, I swear I don’t want to sound superior but I realized a long time ago that the majority of Americans could never understand the British romantics because of your, collectively speaking, psyche.

Here in New Zealand we sway between America and Britain, music-wise, inclining more the the British most of the time (although some months ago the Dead Kennedys pushed “Too Drunk To Fuck” into our top ten-tell Casey Kasem that). On the other hand, most people I know have never heard of Judas Priest or BOC, let alone bought their albums. On that idyllic note I shall sign off...

Live and let me live in

Auckland, New Zealand (Go lock your door. —Ed.)

RITZUAL IN THE DARK! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ANDY GRFFITH AND THOSE IMMORTAL RITZ CRACKERS COMMERCIALS?

EVERYTHING TASTES GOOD WHEN IT SITS ON A RITZ!!!

SITTING ON A RITZ,

AUNT BEA

MAYBERRY, RFD

P.S. I BAKED SOME COOKIES SO IF YOU’RE EVER HUNGRY...

LOOK OFBISTS!

The following is a brief but informative list of facts that any reader of CREEM magazine should commit to memory:

1)Motorhead, Molly Hatchet and The Scor-

pions are all one group, the reason they made up those stupid names is just so they can sit back and vacuum up the royalties on all that crap merchandise they pass off -as genuine rock paraphernalia. 3 •

2)Reggae sucks a big one.

3)Rupert “Ozzy” Osbourne is actually a mama’s boy who likes to experiment with small helpless creatures, for instance his popular “Dove/Bat” taste test.

4) Judas Priest lead singer Robert Halford wears polyester under his leathers.

5) Canadian beer is the real thing.

6) American beer is not!

7)Wendy O. Williams was a valedictorian in high school.

8)Todd Rundgren is nobody’s fool... yet.

9)Ted Nugent listens to Devo for relief of loincloth itch.

10) Nina Hagen goes down on the sympathetic neo-conformists who respect internationality for what it really is.

11) Styx has carried their joke a little too far.

12)David Lee Roth happens to be the best rock front man since the invention of music.

13)“Love Is Like A Rock,” the recent Donnie Iris tune is the national anthem of sentimental pet rocks.

14) Elvis Costello is a public relations scam gone bad. So was disco.

Anybody who wishes to comment on the preceding list, write their congressman. Like, the Canadians aren’t going to take any shit from no one eh? Like, uh, the article on Loverboy was pretty good, eh? Also they won like, six Junos, eh, that’s like Grammys, eh?

Signed...

Yukon Jacques

Forever Tuned Out in Tutoyuktuk

Great White North

P.S. Send me Pia Zadora, I bathe everyday and could use the company.

(Corporation, actually.—Ed.)

!!!!!

Approximately 75% of your readers are punks. Please print something relevant to the 1980’s such as the Suburban Lawns, X, B-52’s, OMD and the Tom Tom Club. Please leave Ozzy (Nelson) Osbourne and Black Sabbath to Teen Beat rags.

I am really displeased with current trends such as disco dancing, designer jeans, cocaine, blowdriers, John Travolta, mechanical bulls, faceless rock bands and neo-conservatism that is absorbed by the airheads that live here in the Imperial Valley. They are such wankers! They never heard of Iggy, the Cramps orN.Y. Dolls.

Where is the Kraftwerk article you promised us? That is my favorite microchip muzak group.

Sincerely,

Gym Wickson

El Centro, CA

P.S. Is Boy Howdy Beer for real?

(Ask Ralf und you-know-who. —Ed.)

JOAN’S BONES!!!

I love rock’n’roll.

Can you loan me a dime?

No Joke,

A young boy about seventeen

Wanting to get (o know Joan Jett “a little better.”

Trenton, NJ

LOST HIS WAY!!

So, Black Flag is mindless? What an asinine statement to make. I feel sorry for you because you are unable to hear or understand the real messages of Damaged and what B. Flag is trying to convey to a new generation of young, alert and political punk fans. Here’s my critique of your review:

1) “Rise Above”—This song is a rallying cry for Black Flag’s purpose. The song is about overcoming the oppression of people who will hate you for being different. It says do what you want, don’t take abuse from anyone because you don’t have to: Doesn’t sound so mindless to me.

2)Damaged has absolutely nothing to do with “the pursuit of fucked-upness,” nor does it praise being enslaved or wanting to die. On the contrary, Black Flag is about the pursuit of freedom and personal responsibility. Black Flag isn’t telling the kids that they can’t overthrow authority. They say that authority must be questioned, the lies of the assholes in positions of power must be exposed and keep being exposed until the assholes are out of power. The lyrics of “depression” are anti-depression— “Depression, gotta get free.” “Padded Cell” is about getting straight in the head—“I can’t stand watching you self destruct.” If you listened to the tone of Dex Cadena’s and Henry Rollins’ voices you’d realize that “Six Pack” condemns drinking, that “TV Party” shows how shitty television is, how numb it makes people, ; that there are better things to do. Black Flag wants the individual to get up off his ass and do something, not lay down and die. Why is anarchy now a “nebulous banner,” when in the days of the Clash (pre-bullshit) and the Pistols it was the thing to do?

3)“Gimme, Gimme, Gimme,” goes against being a blind consumer. It makes fun of the schmucks who want more and more but don’t no why. It says don’t buy that marketed crap.

4)1 hope today’s parents have to go up against a tidal wave of kids who really know what Black Flag is about. The parents will lose because, face it, B. Flag and the kids will be right. The parents are mindless not the kids, Bill. And by the way, Black Flag is not just for males only. Just because females can get hurt easily while slam dancing doesn’t mean they don’t like the album. All my female friends dig this record for its truth, there’s no stupid putdowns of females to be found anywhere on the disc. Which can’t be said for your heavy metal maulers and their ilk.

5) There are more and more people getting into slam sounds all across the nation. Black Flag are leading the way as local scenes develop and grow and spread the message. As usual the establishment will live in fear and put it down because it is a threat to their immortality and their desire to make things come to an unpleasant end. Well, you can all go suck eggs.

Must’ve been something you said,

Little Stevie Mercy

Drexel Hill, PA

P.S. I don’t have a shaved head, I listen to all types of music and feel punk captures the truth.

P.P.S. Both Dez Cadena and Chuck Dukowski are wearing hats.

(You’ve obviously given this matter a great deal of thought. —Ed.)

NIGHTS IN BLACK LEATHER! I

Recently, I have been noticing in your magazine an entourage of letters from young girls requesting sexual favors from a certain group of young men commonly known as “The Clash”.

Well, you can knock off all the begging sweeties, cause they’re ALL MINE! EVERY BIT! TOPPER, MAKE THE ROPES TIGHTER!!!!!!!!!! Behind a leather mask,

Phyllis Schlafly S&M, NJ

SCISSORS, HUH?

Rick Johnson: Why don’t you drop this “Creemedia” stuff and get into some biting journalism like “The AC/DC Book of Lists,” or “Queen, Their Secret Lives.” Your recent articles are reminiscent of the Entertainment Tonight episode when Dixie Whatley asked Lauren Bacall about her coffee drinking habits. I’m still waiting for the article on Rob Halford’s barber! Prisoner, Cell Block H?\ Junk food?! C’MON RICK!!! Any more of this and you’ll have to explain the Geddy Lee Roth concept to BOB & DOUG McKENZIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Canada forever,

Margaret Trudeau’s dog,

Listening to Loverboy homesick somewhere in New Paris, OH!!?

NICK KNACK!

Your May issue brought very sad news: the breaking up of the Knack. The Knack put out three brilliant albums. They had no synthesizers, no tape loop-the-loops, and they certainly weren’t art (which is why all the hip critics were so down upon them). What the three albums were were good sincere rock ’n’ roll from a good hard-working band. The critics who were openminded enough to listen to the albums called them “brilliant” and other superlative adjectives. Their albums were all great fun to listen to, dance to, or do whatever to. They all contained a much needed sense of humor, something that is still missing in all of today’s techno-rock. The first two albums brilliantly captured the feeling of being a teenage male. I remember the first time, in the backseat of a car with my girlfriend, that I heard “My Sharona.” It sounded great then and still does. With Round Trip they tried some new and different types of music and succeeded perfectly. But they couldn’t get on the radio, nor could they shake the incredible amount of bad hype that had unfairly been put on them. What a shame. Round Trip was certainly one of the year’s best LPs (even Rick Johnson liked 5 songs!). And now it appears that they have broken up for good. Good luck, guys! They will certainly be remembered by this fan.

Knack Fan ’Til the End

Memphis, TN

(Is it fun on the ceiling?—Ed.)

KLAATU-TU!

OK, I have like just one question: Are The Beatles “art-rock” or what?

Absolutely Really Sincerely,

Ray-On

Northern Virginia, VA

P.S. THE ONLY ARTISTS THAT MATTER ARE:

the B-52’s Nina Hagen the Plasmatics Blondie Suzi Quatro

Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and the Go-Go’s

P.P.S. I betcha thought I was Canadian until you saw I didn’t include Bob & Doug or Martha & the Muffins!!!!!!!

(What was that? — Ed.)

SPITTLE!!

Once on television George Carlin, in a spasm of apparent sincerity, thanked the late Ed Sullivan for “bringing us the Beatles.” Young people, only familiar with him through impersonators’ comedy routines, perhaps thought of Sullivan as a somewhat senile Ted Mack but with a bigger budget and better time slot. Actually, he provided us with more rock ’n’ roll than most of us can see on TV today—the Dave Clark Five, Manfred Mann, the Byrds, the Rolling Stones, the Animals. If it’s unlikely they would ever appear on prime time network television. But even back then most mothers assumed you could get V.D. just by looking at Eric Burdon. Nearly a decade before this, Sullivan brought us another controversial figure —one Elvis Presley. Carlin wanted to remind us of the debt we owed Sullivan.

Now Bono Vox has pointed out a similar, if lesser, obligation to Tom Snyder, not the man we love to hate so much as the one we like to dislike. Comedians of the future will no doubt present him as Box’s loveable buffoon, and people will forget what an irritating asshole Snyder could be. He did, however, allow new bands on his show, which is more than you can say for radio or Don Kirshner. Many of us here in the booonies would otherwise never have seen many of these groups.

So thanks Ed. Thanks Tom. And thanks Bono, because we needed to be reminded about Snyder.

Yours truly,

Gerry L. Turner

Quincy, IL

P.S. To Tom: Good luck with your new show on TBS.

(Snyder needs to be reminded about Snyder. -Ed.)

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

To Whom It May Concern (yes, you, idiot!)

Wanna hear something genuinely WEIRD? I was thumbin’ through the April ’82 issue of Reader’s Digest in the dentist’s office the other day, and I turned to the Campus Comedy section. Next to one of their laff-riot anecdotes (are those things supposed to be funny, or what?), I read these fateful small-print words: “Contributed by Patti Smith.”

Ah HA! I knew she’d turn up somewhere if I waited long enough. Maybe she’s been going native in Cleveland all this time. Does this mean the end of civilization as we know it, or is it just a slight irregularity in the neutron flow?

Waiting and wondering,

G.T. Tyson IV (A.C.E.)

aka Elmo The Wonder Frog

Greenville, NC

P.S.: We have ways to get letters printed whenever we want. Debbie G., Nancy M., and Rebekah O. will make you listen to all their Jethro Tull records if you don’t.

P.P.S.: More articles on Renaissance, Depeche Mode and Telex, OK?

P.P.P.S.: Is today Thursday?

(Try junk mail day. —Ed.)

CHOPIN COTTONED?

Dear Incompentents: We have taken great offense to a fallacy in your March, 1981 calendar. Under your listing for March 1st, your obvious erroneous entry of Frederic Chopin’s birth year as 1809 could not be more appalling. EVERYONE knows that his birth year is 1810. My co-authoress had great mental traumas, as well as my own period of stress and decline, resulting from this injustice to the composer and especially the Polish people during their moment of tension.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Upon viewing this distressing error, we scampered across the west wing to the lower music library to check our sources. The Groves Dictionary Of Music, published by Macmillan of London, England, 1980, vol. 4, page 292, reaffirmed our knowledge and allowed us to breathe freely once again. Also A History Of Western Music, J. Donald Grout, published by W.W. Norton and Company, Inc., New York, 1973, page 564, agreed with the year as should any other source, except CREEM.

We demand a retraction of the offensive date as well as a written apology to Polish nationals everywhere. We hope the person responsible for this gross error has been given notice and thirty lashes with a camel whip.

We are confident that this letter is just one of many piling up in your office. And we hope we do not encounter an error of this vileness again. Disappointedly,

Richard Quintanaovic Stephanie Smithovicz Los Altos, CA

HANGING AT PICNIC ROCK!!

What you’ve probably already gathered from the postmark is I’m from down under, but one thing you could never have guessed from the postmark is, my name is Jacque (yes, I’m a girl) and I’m writing to congratulate you on your Bonza (roughtly translated this means fabulous) magazine. Oz (Australia) has its fair share of rock magazines, but I like to keep up with the O.S. (overseas) market and that’s when I discovered your ripper (translated this means excellent) magazine.

I’m not just writing this letter to congratulate you, but also to give my native rock ’n’ roll a plug (a mention). Oz bands like Air Supply, AC/DC and Little River Band or the Angels are recognized and applauded in Australia for their O.S. achievements, but I feel that there are many bands better than this meagre representation that are far better in their rock content.

I think at the moment the supply of talented Qz rock in America is (as they say) “only the tip of the iceberg.” There are such bands on Oz as Australian Crawl, Icehouse (formerly Flowers, but that's another story), Inxs (pronounced “in excess”), Men At Work, Jimmy And The Boys, Split Enz and many, many more, the list is too numerous to mention every single one.

The above mentioned are just a few of the bands that could “make it big” and provide a lot of musical enjoyment for everybody if only the O.S. market would “give’em a go.”

So come on. Let us Rockers from “down under” show you what we’re made of and just remember it’s “quality not quantity” that counts.

A very patriotic Oz-tralian

Jacque Wilmore

Sydney, N.S.W., Australia

P.S. I’ve given you a taste of our Oz slang.

Could you please explain to me a few of your terms now. What’s “and they kicked ass” mean? Also, “sings like a duck” and “pecker”? These colloquialisms I picked up from your magazine. (Perhaps Joe Strummer could tell you. —Ed.)

PERMUTATION:

Ridiculous “and the” names for a rock band: “Pointdexter and the Lamps”

“Chim-Chim and the Knapsacks”

“Chumley and the Nozzles”

“Mr. Freeze and the Ladders”

“Wimpy and the Earplugs”

“Boo-Boo and the Protractors”

“Pluto and the Grease Monkeys”

“Pinnochio and the Door Knobs”

; “Gumby and the Barn Owls”

“Dumbo and the Annihilators”

“Flat Top and the Umpires”

“Pebbles and the Vampires”

“Pokey and the Inspectors”

“Brutus and the Tonearms”

“Bambi and the Concussions”

“Popeye and the Tugboats”

“Underdog and the Creeps”

“Adam and the Ants”

Bunny-Bunny Velvet Milwaukee, WI P.S. The Sea Monkeys!

BITE DOWN HARD

I am putting my drill aside for a moment to refute Paula C. Moe’s contention in your April 1982 mag that “hard core dentists” don’t read CREEM. While I don’t know what a “Hard core dentist” is (Porn star DDS?), I do have a subscription to CREEM and even read the photo • captions ludicruous though they are). After seeing Joe Strummer on TV, I sold my copy of London Calling to protest his obvious lack of oral hygiene. Imagine my relief when CREEM reported he’d finally gotten his teeth fixed (but more details please: with crowns, bridgework or dentures?).

Again, CREEM is to be commended for breaking the news on Keith Richards’ oral rehabilitation (not a single mention of this appeared in the journal of the A.D.A. either). I wish Nick Lowe would drop by my office in rural Colorado, so 1 could do something about those two horrible looking front teeth so prominently displayed on the inner sleeve of Labour Of Eust. My final concern is that Rick Johnson brushed and flossed following his consumption of all that sugary junk he reviewed in the same April issue. George W. Krieger, D.D.S.

Brush, Colorado

P.S. The Kids Are The Same by Paul Collins’ Beat is the best LP in 3 years.

P.P.S. Has anyone suggested to Dave Edmunds a collaboration with his U.S. soulmate John Fogerty?

(Ask his chiropractor. — Ed.)