MAIL

MAIL

PIease send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

I GOT YOU,’BAIT

Did you know Steve Martin used to write and act in the old Sonny & Cher Show? I was just watching it and I noticed one of the bit players hamming it up in the background. I looked at him real close and I noticed he looked just like Steve does in those ads with the long hair and beard. When I looked at the credits at the end of the show, sure enough, there was his name. Yours truly,

Mario Berumen

Upland, CA

P.S. Aren’t you guys supposed to tell me about this trivial stuff?

Another P.S. If you did and I didn’t bother to read it, never mind.

PER OMNIA, ETC...

As a Christian, I feel I must correct you, my brothers and sisters of CREEM, for a mistake you made three times in the April issue. You do not refute things of the devil, you rebuke them. Now you know just in case you might need it someday.

Metaphysically Yours,

St. Anne

Harrisburg, PA

P.S, Screw the Rolling Stones. How come you never put the Pope on the cover?

{He doesn’t buy ads. —Ed.)

FORUM!!

QUESTION: Hey man, like why did Helen Keller’s leg turn yellow?

ANSWER: Because like (oh, wow, man!) her dog was blind too! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Truly. Somebody’s Else,

Angus Van OsboUrrie

Millington, TN

P.S. Joan Jett is gay!!

P.P.S. By 1983, AC/DC will rule the world! P.P.P.S. Rock ’n’ roll goes like this: 1) AC/DC 2) Van Halen 3) Black Sabbath 4) Ozzy Osbourne

P.P.P.P.S. Black Sabbath is still great! But this new guy, Ronnie James Dio, sounds like he has leather lungs.

P.P.P.P.P.S. The Stones are still pretty good, but they are too old. Mick Jagger looks like my dead grandpappy!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. “Heavy Metal” (by Sammy Hagar) was not written about Hall & Oates.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. “Down On The Farm” (by , Little Feat) was.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Heavy metal is going to take over the universe!!!!!

{Like pretzels?—Ed.)

MAGIC WORDS!!

Congratulations on the excellent Reader’s Poll issue. Except for one missing winner (5th place for “Fashion Plate Of The Year”), I found it quite amusing. Also congrats to Rick Johnson on receiving “Rock Critic Of The Year” again. To quote Entertainment Tonight: “What’ll they think of next?” To bad about Claudia Cauchon, Dover N.H. That’s one less magazine you’ll sell this year.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne

Stately Wayne Manor

Gotham City, OH

P.S. Dick Grayson'is a Journey fan and is romantically linked with Catwoman.

P.P.S. Why do known smoke belchers like Molly Hatchet have three guitarists when they sound just as much like horse manure with one?

P.P.P.S. Donuts, weenies, grape slurpees and Dodge Swingers!!

(Nope. Malibu Classics.—Ed.)

PUCK PUCK GOOSE!

YOU IDIOTS! I’VE GOT TO CONGRATULATE YOU. STOP ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE TAKEN ONE OF THE MOST DISGUSTING CANADIAN ENTERTAINMENT GROUPS AND HELD THEM UP AS SOMETHING SPECTACULAR. STOP. JUST WHAT THE HELL DID YOU MEAN THE BEST COMEDY ON AN AMERICAN NETWORK? STOP. SECOND CITY SUCKS! STOP. CANADIANS GAVE UP ON IT FIVE YEARS AGO ALONG WITH SPORTSMANSHIP IN HOCKEY. STOP. WE COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HOSERS WERE TRYING TO PROVE EH? STOP. OH BY THE WAY EH, IF YOU AMERICANOS THINK WE CANADIANOS SAY EH AT THE END OF EACH SENTENCE I GOT SOME GREAT SWAMPLAND FOR SALE IN THE APPALACIANS, JUST FOR YOU, EH?

BOB AND DOUG’S SISTER SALLY MOOSONEE, ALBERTA, CALGARY AND WHEREVER ELSE THE HELL MOOSOONE SHOWS UP.

P.S. IF YOU LIKE SCTV SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GIVE ALL THEM CRUDDY ACTORS YOUR CITIZENSHIP... BUT HURRY, CAUSE I THINK WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO DUMP ’EM ON THE AUSSIES...

('Tis better to “rebuke” than “refute. ”—Ed.)

GREEN STAMPEDE!

We, The S&S Co., think that your CREEM ROCKSHOTS were the greatest. I, S, especially enjoyed the pictures of the Rolling Stones! They are still the greatest living group! S, the other owner of the S&S Co., enjoyed the pictures of Rod Stewart. She thinks that there were too few of them. But who the hell are we to complain to the hottest magazine in the north, the south, the east, and the west? We strongly agreed that we would have cut the AC/DC pictures out! We really think that they beat the meat, along with Adam Ant, the Go-Go’s and Devo.

We both love your magazine even though you sould have more pictures and stories on the Stones, Journey, Rod Stewart and Tina Turner. Give Charles some work to do.

We wish to, thank you for your time. But Ed.—-before we close this letter we must have an answer to this question: Who are you???!!!

Signed,

S&S Co.

The hottest chicks in town.

Rochester, MA

P.S. Who would have ever! guessed that we are from a dull town named Rochester?

(Maybe “Charles"?—Ed.)

COBRAPHOBIA!

Recently Rick Johnson and his girlfriend were camping out in the wilds of Michigan when Rick realized that he had been bitten by a rattlesnake. Now, to the average CREEM reader, this would not appear to be any great tragedy, but the damn thing bit him right on the end of his “little Rick.” So Rick’s girlfriend set off into the woods to get a doctor. When she finally found the doctor and told him about Rick’s problem, the doctor proceded to tell her that there was only one thing she could do to save Rick’s life. She would have to suck the venom out of “little Rick” or else he would die. So she went back to Rick and told him that the doctor said he would die.

E. Normqus

Montreal, Quebec

Canada

P.S. “I am not an American, I am a human being.”—the Elephant Man.

THAT’S AMORE!

Hi there, CREEM -

Boy, but that J. Kordosh is some kind of writer.

My best suburban idiom,

A Fan.

Lansing, MI

P.S. I find it most uncomfortably that Lili’s has gone the way of Greektown and is now a hopelessly chic place for Birmingham’s “younger set.” Amazing how things change, no? Something’s wrong when the band, if they weren’t a band, wouldn’t be able to get into the place. Yeah, Yeah. They have to protect themselves from the Feds or something, I’m sure, but I got the distinct feeling that the humble yet ambient bar on the corner is going the way of a freak show. “Let’s go see a band in Hamtramck tonite, waddya say, Shari? Those Punkers are sorta funny.” Boo. Hiss.

I want J. to interview J.D. Salinger, O.K.?

Small metal pieces.

(Your letter is meaningless. —Ed.)

I THINK, THEREFORE IMAN

I admit I’m a little slow in responding to the Spandau Ballet article (Aug. ’81 issue), but as I have just gotten around to buying their album, I have only now realized when Gary Kemp said that the liner notes were left off the U.S. edition of the album because “you don’t have inner sleeves on albums here, so there was no room,” he was not being quite as “simple” as Iman Lababedi seemed to think. Chrysalis, their U.S. label, uses the transparent plastic inner sleeves in their albums, so that there is, in fact, no place to put liner notes.

It was pretty obvious all through the article that Iman and Gary just plain did not hit it off. Now, I don’t necessarily think that a writer has to like the person he’s interviewing, but it would help if he refrained from asking questions like “why are there no blacks in the band?”, a pointless and stupid question, as unanswerable as “when did you stop beating your wife?” You might as well ask the Rolling Stones, or Hall & Oates band, why there are no blacks in their bands, since it all came from black rhythm and blues in the first place.

I’ll have to admit that there is something snotty and obnoxious in the Spandau’s attitude that makes it difficult to like them, but I defend them for two reasons: first, their song “Chant N. No. 1” makes me get up and dance more than just about any other song I’ve ever heard; and second, anybody who can make a video like “Paint Me Down,” which is sizzling hot enough to get banned by the BBC, is okay by me!

Next time, I’ll have some comments on your May ’80 Pink Floyd article...

Belatedly yours,

Kodi

San Jose, CA

GREAT MINDS NEVER THINK!

I remember my younger days fairly well. I was a heavy metal fan/disco hater with no future, no past and no present. My three biggest worries were where to find drugs, how to pass English without doing work and how to grow hair like Ted Nugent’s. Then came the Clash. My worries have multiplied. Now I read every book I can get my hands on, namely Orwell, Marx, Stalin, Lenin, Engels and other big names in political writings. Now I worry about my future. And.the world’s future. Instead of worrying how my hair looks I worry about urban blight, the spread of communism, fascism in Italy, the working class in England, the atomic bomb, nuclear waste, the Middle East, terrorism, not to mention contraceptive devices.

Ya wanna know the irony in it all? I’m happier now than I was before.

Thank you, Joe Strummer!

Sincerely,

Lissa “At least I don’t have to worry about ‘Squashed Hedgehogs’ ” M.

Hitsville, N.J.

P.S. I’ll take the Kingston Advice...

(Joe’s contributions are, of course, enormous. -Ed.)

POLICE, FLORIDA LINKED!

Just got back from seeing the Police concert. Got to say, it was FANTASTIC! Also just got done reading your COVERING THE COVERS review on “Ghost In The Machine.” What a crock! Haven’t you been to any of their concerts on their ’82 tour yet? They played all the songs from the first side of Ghost and one song from the reverse side, and the crowd loved it. The Police played for almost two solid hours and the audience sang with every song that was played. They even responded by lighting matches and lighters during the songs. “Invisible Sun” and “Shadows In The Rain.” Just goes to show you that the Golden Age Of Saturn has truly arrived.

Haven’t you read any of the biographies or other reviews of the Police explaining the meanings of the songs? If not, I urge you to go and see them in concert. Sting does a marvelous job of explaining the meaning of each song before it’s played.

Furthermore, I don’t know of any dogs that would walk in wet cement. I should know, I’m a veterinary technician and for the five-and-a-half years I’ve been working at a local hospital, I’ve yet to see or hear of any such happenings. NOW, who is kidding whom?

OPEN LETTER TO THE POLICE:

Hey guys! If you decide to tour America again next year or the year after next and you come down to Florida, stop and play here in “good ole Ft. Myers.” We have five big counties to draw from, plus we’re halfway between Tampa' and Miami, two BIG cities. We have a terrific, almost new civic center. If you need to have some strings pulled I’ll sure help out in pulling some. (We just had a sellout concert with Foreigner, and large turnouts for J. Geils, Beach Boys, Blue Oyster Cult, and others in the past). This area is still in dire need of more cultural happenings. We the devoted followers and Saturnians await!

Ms, Daryl (yeah, a chick with a guy’s name) Davis

Ft. Myers, FL

P.S. To Betty Templeton of Jacksonville, Fla. Yeah, I agrees with you about Florida. How long will we be stranded here? Will we ever be able to escape?

(Head for Cuba!—Ed.)

HOSE NO MO’S

RE: SCTV—Bob and Doug McKenzie

I think your mag is great—but to put it bluntly,

I am tired of Toronto getting all the recognition for these hosers. SCTV originated in Edmonton, Alberta. They have just recently transferred the production to SCTV to Toronto as our own independent television station, ITV, could not handle the volume of work that is required for such a successful show.

For you hosers who don’t know where Edmonton, is look it up on a map!

A Hoser,

Brenda Grant

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

U2,BRUTUS?

Ah...thanks much for the U2 article in the April ’82 issue. IT’S ABOUT TIME. It’s so refreshing to see that there’s a new band around with such good attitudes. It tends to bring one’s faith in, ahem, “rock ’n’ roll.”

Also, enjoyed the pic of Ray Davies and the overdressed old bat. SICK FACT OF THE DAY: Did you know that Chrissie Hynde has a red and white striped sweater to match the one Ray has on in the photo? Isn’t that darling? Isn’t that cute? Wouldn’t you like to empty the contents of your stomach right now?

Finally, could you arrange for me to have an hour’s time alone with Bono Vox and Dave Davies? Fun would be had. And had. And had. You guys into two-way mirrors?

In deep thought,

Bah-deh

Chicago, IL

(Your “mom” was. —Ed.)

HUNK CONTROVERSY CONTINUES!!

Do tell! Where did you find that twit Jim Farber? He calls himself a critic. When reviewing an album, Jimmy, remember one thing: Stick to the group and the album.

It’s obvious that he doesn’t think very highly of Journey, let alone Steve Perry, put explain to me where he gets off openly attacking Steve when he is reviewing Loverboy. Journey’s Escape album has sold 4 million copies. (No, Steve didn’t buy 2 million and myself the other 2 million.) That’s 4 million people that wanted to hear, as he puts it, “an aggravated hernia.” I doubt it you could find 40 people who would pay to hear him.

By the way, what did Loverboy ever do to him? They may not all be Robert Redfords, but they can sleep in my bed anytime. As far as Jim’s concerned, stay the hell away from New York and we’ll get along just fine.

It’s clear that when he was born he came out backwards.

WARNING!!!!

Do me one favor, tread carefully when speaking of David Lee & Co. and Mick arid the Boys, and by all means watch your step (unless you would care to have your foot where your taste is) when it comes to Rod Stewart.

Defending the honor of Steve, Mike, David Lee, Mick & Rockin’ Rod. (Somebody has to do it)

Holly Lynne

Grand Island, NY

(You zany readers!—Ed.)

STING HAS STUNG!

An amazing thing happened to tne in the supermarket the other day, Not guaranteed personally, but as I walked past the magazine section I saw it. There it was, plain as the sawdust in David Lee Roth’s head—a cover story on the Police. I was in shock, to say the least. Someone at CREEM has finally SEEN THE LIGHT!!!!! An absence of Police cover stories for 11 months is a little hard on the nerves.

On with the story. I paid the asking price, although I do think $1.95 is getting a little carried away. But this was an exception! Settling down to what I thought would be the usual “Sting talks while Andy and Stu make background comments” article, I began to notice a definite difference. And what’s this? No profound quotes from Sting? What a relief. This could be the start of something new, people out there will begin to notice that there are three (not one) Police.

Putting it mildly, it is an absolute gratification to read what Andy has to say. Let’s face it gang, without Andy, the Police just wouldn’t be. "... the most vital element in the Police’s sound...” AAAAHHH!!! What a great quote. Finally the Truth Hits Everybody! Thanks Chris Salewicz (Salewicz, Lababedi, JOHNSON???-.where do you guys come up with these names?) Anyway, thanks Chris for saying what should have been said ages ago. Andy Summers is THE greatest guitarist ever. Period.

Well I feel better now, although I’m sure nobody cares.

Behind my Camel with the Omega Man,

Sally

Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada

P.S. I expect to see Andy on the cover when his collaboration with Fripp is released.

P.P.S. (P.S.S.?) I don’t even like back bacon, and Molson’s makes me sick!!

P.P.P.S. Loverboy isn’t all they’re cracked up to be. (You’ve been warned!)

(Perhaps Kamloops and Bad Axe could arrange a “trade.”—Ed.)

ACT YOUR AGE!

I was reading your magazine the other day when I came upon Jim Farber’s record review of Loverboy’s Get Lucky album. I figured I’d see what he thought of thegroup. I realize, of course, that most of your writers aren’t particularly kind to rock groups (nor are they particularly literate)—however, is it really necessary that they use such degrading language in their less-than-expert musical opinions? Mr. Farber, how dare you call Rush “laughable” or “boring?” Did you notice, for example, that Rush is the only group in your award section to place twice in a single category (top 25 albums of the year)? Well, Jim, they apparently are doing something right. Then, too, did you also notice that the best drummer award went to Neal Peart?

All things considered, Jim, the only boring thing we’re really talking about is you.

Cordially,

Paul Reitano

Age 14

Philadelphia, PA

(Who is this ”we”?—Ed.)

PROMISES, PROMISES

I think I will vomit indefinitely and possibly commit suicide if I see anymore of the following; Van Halen, Black Sabbath, the McKenzie twins (Bobby and Dougie), Molly Hatchet, Van Halen, AC/DC, the GQ-GO’S, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Foreigner, Rush, Van Halen, Van Halen, Van Halen!!!!!!!! (I do like Valerie Bertinelli).

Good God, people! Aren’t you sick of such ugliness yet? (All kneel and kiss the feet of Paula C. Moe.)

What I would like to see more of, is a great, beautiful, talented man that you like to shove into tiny corners of your magazine. Yes, I’m talking about DAVID BOWIE!!!!! This man is obviously up to a lot according to your ONE paragraph of him. (Gee, we have some extra space in our mag, let’s stick Dave in so we can’t say we forgot about him.) He is far better than all that trash I mentioned above put together, The man is God!

I want to see articles and an interview about him, his acting/musical/artist career. And his son Zowie (how old is he now? 11?)

I would also like to see more about the following great people; Iggy Pop (I’m not talking about cute little letters about him), Adam Ant (Oh dear! Not him again?!!), the Fun Boy Three, the Kinks, Peter Wolf (is his middle name ’and the’ by any chance?) and believe it ot not, the ROLLING STONES!! How can anyone get tired of them? Especially Bill Wyman (what a sweetie!) (I love parentheses, or have you noticed?) Two covers are not enough! MORE, MORE!!!!

I’m serious about David. I’m thinking of subscribing to this ‘magazine,’ why clutter up the trash can with Van Halen.

Do you take this letter into consideration when you .waste good paper and ink on your next issue (God forbid!)

YOURS MAYBE,

Claudia Arnold, a “Spider From Mars” still reaching for her “Starman” in “1984” because “I Dig Everything”

Richmond, VA

P.S. Rick Johnson, I just lo-o-oved your article on fast foods. And it didn’t mention Van Halen once!

(Johnson likes “Baby Roths"best. —Ed.)

RETURN OF THE DEATH SQUAD!

TO ALL THE “PUNKS” & “LONGHAIRS” WHO BUY THIS MAGAZINE:

I’d like to clear a few things up. (Read the following few points and see if you can guess what my hair looks like.)

1. I HATE JOURNEY! They are unquestionably the most banal, revolting, vacuous, ego-infested, cliched band since Grand Funk. But at least Mark Farner didn’t sing like a duck. (I guess it’s Henny Youngman time. Sorry, but L can’t resist a cheap shot.) I heard that Stephen Ferry is going to make a porno movie based on Journey’s latest concept (read: bullshit) album. It’s gonna be called (are you ready?) Duck Throat.

2. Bob Seger is NOT a hippie, he’s a fat, slimy wimp of a suburbanite (there went my chances of getting this letter printed) and so’s Fred Nugent (and so’s your old man!). Foreigner has just passed the point of no return and are turning into Elton John. Remember Madman? Twelve million session musicians. Blackmore Sabbath (thanks, Oz) are getting pretty scary (shades of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath), since Ronnie-James Dee-i-ee-i-o has dragged them down to the pit of eternal honor known commonly as MAINSTREAM. I think I’ll cast a few runes and turn them into mindless idiots...Oops! I think somebody beat me to it. (As evinced by their recent interviews on Rockline. I don’t think any of them is capable of speaking more than about .10 words per minute.) For a while it looked like Phil Collins was going to be the next Peter Gabriel (y’know, drummer becomes singer/writer/conceptualize^ leaves Genesis to do weird albums w/ rhythm boxes), but now that the band is. apparently down to a trio, it looks like he’ll just be Genesis instead. Oh, well, no great loss. And I wouldn’t touch Styx with a 10-foot tone-arm.

3. I admire a lot of new wave bands (Art In America, the Raincoats, the Clash, Television, Talking Heads, Adam & the Ants, Nina Hagen, the Pretenders, Lene Lovich, etc.) for having the guts to be different and for attempting to change the face of contemporary rock by developing new musical forms. I, too, detest mainstream rock and the utterly superficial lifestyle it implies. It is the lowest and most loathsome manifestation of a potentially interesting and useful art form.

TURN TO PAGE 65

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

4. I think this whole Led Zeppelin vs. Clash thing is irrelevant and nonexistent in the real world. And anyway, Clash fanatics are flogging a dead horse. Zep has been dead since 1972. The war was started by a few people who misunderstood both bands, and was nurtured and encouraged by the rock press for reasons known only to itself. (One Detroit AOR station even has “rock wars” as a nightly feature— “Black Sabbath vs. Molly Hatchet,” “Journey vsBthe Beatles” and other such nonsensical, nonexistent battles. Fortunately, a “Clash vs. Led Zeppelin” war is unfeasible for this mainstream FM station, dde to the fact that the Clash isn’t on their playlist.

5. My favorite pieces are: Low (Bowie), Lark’s Tongues In Aspic (King Crimson). Kontakte (Stockhausen), “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” (J.S. Bach). Persian Surgery Dervishes (Terry Riley), Odyshape (the Raincoats), Fun House (the Stooges), Unbehagen (Nina Hag-

v,en), Deserts (Varese), The Man Who Sold The World (Bowie), Beethoven’s “5th,” The Madcap Laughs (R.K. Barrett), Mad Shadows (Mott The Hoopie), Black-Sabbath, Church Of Anthrax (John Cale), No Pussyfooting (Fripp & Eno), A Farewell To Kings (Rush), Whatever Happened To SLADE? and Red Sky (Tetragrammaton).

Well? Have you figured it out yet? (The thought has crossed my mind that I could say I’m bald, but I’ve decided to tell the truth like a good little boy.) My hair?...Down to my waist, man, down-to-my-waist!

the Deacon

Dee-troit, MI

(Tonight Geddy Lee Sleeps easier. —Ed.)