VAN HALEN GETS EVEN WITH EVERYONE!

David Lee Roth: It becomes more fun with each season. Each tour that we make, each record that we make—we know how to do it. You know? There’s always little fears in the back of your head about. “Oh what are they gonna think about this," or “What’s somebody gonna think about that?"

Myself: You guys think that?

David Lee Roth: Well, you know—you get a little twinge when you make a record sometimes. But now—who cares?!!

— from an actual conversation, July 4.1981 ft ft ft

I walked into the backstage of Cobo Arena at about six o’clock—fans were already forming glimpse-crazed groups behind the inevitable barrier—and the first thing I saw was this crazy 12-foot plaster statue of a Greek god or something. "Now what the fuck is this thing doing here?' I ondered

iJA/hat do you think of it?’’ asked David oth, as VH’s manager passed out ietween me and Roth and Alex Somewhat confused by Roth’s jty, I said I liked it just fine, nna do with it?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. A girl gave it to me, but she couldn’t figure a way to get it to California, so she just left it here. Maybe we’ll strap it to the front of the bus!” he laughed.

I mumbled something about it being an interesting idea as we went to one of the nicer backstage rooms at Cobo. I happened to be carrying the band’s Boy Howdy! Awards for 1980 (Best Guitarist for Ed V H and *3 live group for the whole bunch) and sort of unceremoniously shoved ’em on a table. “Here’s your awards,” 1 said.

“And here’s our award to you,” said Alex Van Halen. most graciously handing me a cold beer. Meanwhile, Roth noticed that there was no trophy for “Most Pathetic Of The Year." a title he’d won in a walk. I semi-apologized and said that the magazine probably didn’t want to offend him. Which I later realized was impossible. After careful scrutiny of their priceless awards they made many appropriate derogatory remarks about their honors.

We drank beers and smoked cigarettes and yapped about all sort of nonsense. To my great interest, I discovered that Roth and I share a common birth sign, fear of flying, and great respect for The National Enquirer. ''''The Enquirer is the only paper I use for more than rolling joints. It’s a sign of the times,” he acutely noted. Then, in reference to the well-publicized Carol Burnett suit, he opined that “she’s concerned that people won’t pay enough attention to her daughter’s drug stories.”

Is this sort of opinionated crack typical of Roth? You betcha! Van Halen is the band of the 80’s for a lot a reasons; some of them have nothing to do with music. I ask you— in all honesty—how in the world can a band sell out a 20,000 seat venue for three consecutive nights and lose $1800 on the deal? And laugh about it?? Van Halen did (and does), but this carefree madness of theirs is the merest symptom of their genius. These guys are so wacko that they really don’t seem to c?’.e about their excess/ success. “A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do,” Roth understated.

And far be it for me to apologize for them. They’re not only fun to talk to, they’re probably the sanest people in rock ’n’ roll. This was pretty easy to suss out as we began to unwind. For some reason, we began making humorous remarks (i.e., unsubstantiated slurs) about nearly everybody in the record biz, laughing like maniacs inside the asylum. Finally, Alex Van Halen said: “So what are you gonna call this, ‘Van Halen Gets Even With Everyone?” Now— believe me—that’s an offer you don’t get every day, slobber, drool. Realizing that God loved me, 1 said: “You mean you really wouldn’t mind if 1 used that title?”

"You know what rock musicians are? Hung up, neurotic, overweight hippies with sex problems. -David Lee Roth"

“No, no; not at all!” Roth laughed. Looking at his buddy, he said, “Let’s get out the list!”

David Lee Roth: Do you want to tell a Rush story?

Alex Van Halen: It’s our turn!

David Lee Roth : OK, guys, I hope you read this issue!

—True Stuff, July4,1981

“We gonna go back in time now—back a year’s time to Leicester, England. You’re gonna have to look that up; it’s spelled with an ‘ie’ or something. We’d just finished playing, great show, everybody’s very up— it was Michael’s (bassist Anthony) birthday. And we’d come back to the bar and Rush, was staying in the same hotel. And—as it turns out later—they’d rented the bar with all the booze in it. And our guys didn’t know that and they came in and said, ‘What, free booze?! Whoa!!' And they cleaned the place out, which put their guys on edge a little bit. And Edward was sitting at the table with Geddy Lee and they’d both been drinking a little bit, and Geddy was playing some Rush tapes on a tape recorder. He said something to Ed and Ed’s beer got into the tape recorder," Roth laughed, obviously relishing his role as gossip-monger.

“Well, that caused a little friction,” he continued. “Jump ahead one year—Las Vegas, 1981. Rush is playing before Van Halen in Las Vegas and word goes out: nobody from Van Halen is allowed into the show at all. Nobody. No road crew, nobody."

“Is this true?" I interrupted. “Just because he spilled his beer?"

Roth considered the question. “Well, the whole beer went into the tape recorder,” he and Van Halen laughed.

“Yeah, but how much could it’ve cost?”

“Well, the glass, tool” he roared. OK, / get it.

“Anyways: 1981. The word goes out that nobody even remotely associated with Van Halen is allowed into the show. As it turns out, a lot of our truckers—we’ve got five or six trucks, gotta have people to drive ’em— they know other truckers and they know the guys in Rush. And they say, ‘Hey, c’mon over, have a beer and a buzz, you’re welcome at our show anytime,’ and so on. And so late word goes out: some Van Halen people—some—will be allowed into the show. And they’ve got some great guys working for them. So the show goes on and everything.”

“We jump ahead now. After the show, we’re sitting in this casino. There’s tables filled with Van Halen people—there’s 47 or 50 of us on the road now. And Geddy feels one way or another and comes up to say something to Ed, and he puts up his hand to shake hands. Now one of our security guards didn’t have the vaguest idea in hell who he was and he came up and bodytackled him. Ha ha ha. Threw him out of the table and that’s the last I saw of ’em!” he ended with a good-natured laugh.

Please don’t you more sensitive readers misinterpret these charming anecdotes. Roth doesn’t hate Rush anymore than—I strictly no hard feelings. “Ah, everybody has fun,” Roth said. He’s a hard guy to dislike.

The National Enquirer is the only paper I use for more than rolling joints. -David Lee Roth

was gonna say me, but hey!—anybody else does. In fact, he more-or-less likes ’em, 1 guess—or at least, he did. Alex Van Halen has initiated the habit of playing “Different Strings” (or one of those nutritious nasturtiums off Permanent Waves) before every Van Halen show. “1 used to like Rush until A1 started running that song,” the rueful Roth admitted. He characteristically qualified all the Rush dirt by adding, “1 think it’s funny, some of the things that happen on the road.” It sure sounds funny, anyway. And as far as V.H. is concerned it’s

Myself: So the story’s about Van Halen getting even with everyone.

Michael Anthony: Let me guess who’s u\— Rush or Styx?

—No Kidding, July 4,1981

Look, this is all a big joke—at least, I think /t/s—So don’t sweat it, all you rock-lovers. I firmly believe that everybody has a right to their opinion, even Van Halen. Especially Van Halen. In any case, here’s some remarks you’re sure to enjoy:

•“I don’t want these people to take it personally. But, I mean, Journey stinks.”—Roth.

•“You know what rock musicians are? Hung up, neurotic, overweight hippies with sex problems. Which has nothing to do with AC/DC—they’re just overweight.”—Roth.

•“I’m glad to see the Clash have gone disco. It’s about time they made some money.”—Roth.

•“I don’t dislike the other bands.’’—Roth. “On the other hand, I hate them.”—A. Van Halen.

•“I like that song that Styx stole from Devo, ‘Too Much Time On My Hands’—it sounds like ‘Secret Agent Man.’ I’m sorry, fellas. Here’s a personal message to Styx: I don’t care if 1 never get near you backstage. ”—Rot h.

•“David Byrne would qualify as an artist.

I mean, by appearance’s sake. He looks like he’s dying.”—Roth.

•“Just say we won’t forget Blackmore. They’ll understand.”—A. Van Halen.

•“I don’t like Slim Whitman. I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with New Wave now. The Talking Heads, for example. I saw them and they had this guy from P-Funk wearing a cowboy hat in the band. And they were playing—not rock ’n’ roll—but actual African music. That’s kind of hard to focus on, culturally.”—Roth.

•“I told that guy from the Bus Boys that if they want to pray before their show they should make sure there aren’t any writers around.”—Roth.

•“I don’t know about other bands. To be frank, I don’t give a shit.”—Roth.

Now isn’t it about time we had these types of refreshing slurs made available to the reading public? I mean, here comes some hard-working CREEM reader paying good bucks for the thing. OK, Van Halen’s on the cover, that’s cool. Now what does our hardworking, shirt-sleeved reader wanna see? A bunch of millionaires whining about how tough life is?? Isn’t that fucking silly? Isn’t it far more enjoyable to hear the actual truth? Wouldn’t it be fun if we were all rich, too?

Anyway, I haven’t a doubt that Van Halen would love to see themselves damned to kingdom come, mostly because they understand entertainment. If you’re pissed off at Roth and think he’s a jerk, then the joke’s on you. Van Halen’s not only the hottest thing going, Roth is more honest than your mom or dad. In other words: Van Halen gets even with everyone by their mere existence.

Myself : Why do you even bother to talk to writers?

TURN TO PAGE 32

CREEM SPECIAL EDITION.

VAN HALEN

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 29

David Lee Roth: I like to read about myself.

— It Really Happened, July 4, 1981

On top of all this nonsense, Van Halen probably is the coolest megashow you can megattend. Eddie Van Halen really is the guy to send Page packing and it’s reasonable to guess that only Hendrix surpassed the Dutcheroo on exercises. Else-wise, VH goes for virtuosity in arena-rock indulgence, setting new standards for the Larry Mondellos of Heavy Metal to strive for. A case in point: bassist Michael Anthony spent a cool ten minutes throwing/smashing/threatening to teach it "More Than A Feeling” and otherwise abusing his instrument, only to find it perfectly in tune after the megabuse. When I asked him how he’d managed that trick, he seemed genuinely puzzled. “I don’t know. It always seems to be in tune, though.”

After the show, 1 tried to keep a steady eye on things, seeing how everybody says how wild Van Halen is. This was somewhat difficult, as there was a free and steady flow of, uh, substances that conspire to make writers lose their alreadywaning powers of observation. You know, stuff like beer and wine. A stage had been rigged up, complete with balloons, for a strip show. 1 tried to keep my eye real steady. There seemed to be any number of women around, which is always distracting when a rock writer’s hot on the trail of a story. 1 just wanted to ask Roth if all those stories were true, but with all those women and substances and whatnot 1 guess 1 never got around to it.

I was introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Bertinelli, who are, of course, Ed’s proud in-laws. I asked ’em how they felt about their daughter Valerie marrying a rock musician, and Mrs. B. candidly admitted: “At first we weren’t sure. But once we’d met Eddie and his parents, we didn't have any objections. And the boys are so nice, too. We’ve had a wall for Valerie (her press clippings, not her Pink Floyd posters), so now we’ve started one for Eddie, too.” Uh huh. I was looking at a hooker, who’d been introduced to me as a hooker, so 1 guess 1 didn’t catch much else, but that wall sure sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll vote for Valerie’s folks for “Couple Of The Year,” if only for their shrewd understanding of nice boys.

If you want a more detailed description of what Van Halen does backstage after a show, just use your imagination. If you want Jo make sure, though, borrow somebody else’s imagination, too. Believe me, there’s almost no way you can go wrong.

As I enjoyed the proceedings, I remembered something Roth had told me earlier. “I think a lot of critics don’t like us because of our, uh, attitude, which is basically give-a-shit.” Then again on the other hand...

David Lee Roth: There’s a little bit of Van Halen in everyone. And we think it should be removed.

The Gospel Truth, July 4, 1981.

CREEM SPECIAL EITION

VAN HALEN

CREEM SPECIAL EDITION

VAN HALEN