OUT OF THE VAULT AND INTO OUR HEARTS?

Digging through CREEM’s slutty archives is a ticklish combination of admiring your collection of Happy Plants Cards and checking for priors. The real old issues go so far back in time their numbers have to converted into astronomical terms. And the more recent ones still evoke painful memories of wrong-way carbons, caffeine trembles and desperate prayers for brain death.

Wading through them for a purpose can almost be fun. This cheap detective’s search-and-employ mission was to arrange for window seats at Van Halen’s initial encounter with the crazy people who write those sick things in CREEM’s letter column and the ones that get paid for writing sick things in the rest of the magazine. Worse yet, my clients expected me to follow the band’s slithery trail right up to the so-called present as if 1 was a commentator on Snake Previews.

After a few boxes of old magazines, mental swiss cheese began to ripen rapidly. I’d jump every time I saw the words Van Morrison, Nina Hagen, Nino Tempo and even Chevy Van. I’d dim out and try to commit more R. Meltzer stories to my clip ’n’ tape memory. And all this amidst the sting of the Andy Rooney Backlash.

The big questions—can Van Halen supply your acetylene needs? Do they just, as Cary Grant once said, use sex like a fly swatter? Are they mere purse food? Glorified bottle-stoppers?

Do raccoons emit Cool Whip? The one thing this spurious inquisition into various beslimed back pages did establish is that the press deals with the band as if the critics were performing a particularly messy autopsy. And the fans? Well, let’s just say that most of those characters who write in to CREEM are out on the strip without a roll bar.

"We love to read reviews. —David Lee Roth"

CREEM’s annual Reader Polls appear to further besmoot the issue unless you’re familiar with our readers’ Best-is-Worst syndrome. It started way back in the days of the' New York Dolls when they came in first in both the Best Group and Worst Group categories one year. Then Kiss came along and racked up the same honors for quite awhile until Van Halen first achieved it in 1980. Evidently, an alarming proportion of the woolly electorate have a love/hate relationship with love/hate relationships.

Before we reach war path paydirt, I’d just like to instruct all life-sentence Van

The

next-to-the last big thing. -Joe

Fernbacher

Halen fans to observe what Erik Estrada says in his new public service spot:

“In the next hour, 67 young people will attempt suicide.”

Got it? And remember, we’ve got the Gillette account.

Van Halen Vs. The Press

“Let me tell you about dinosaurs,” began CREEM token old-timer Richard Riegel’s review of the first LP, unaware that sorry hacks like a certain very-famous

R .R. would be throwing dino-poop around as if it was a new saber to rattle.

The now-pitiable geez went on to mutter incomprehensible slag about “Focus or Golden Earring-like pompo-technoflash, Dictator-rips” and something about ancient punkers Black Pearl that no one understood then or now.

To Senor Grampa’s credit, he pointed out the heavy promotion and “marketing harpoons” being fired at the dim-witted public. He was also the first cliche coach—in print at least—to describe their music as Big Rock, a term even the guys in the band now use.

I’m still not sure whether he was talking about the group or his own pathetic existence in the eternally opaque closing: “Extinct is forever.”

Here’s what the rest had to say about Van Halen (VH to you) number one:

• All the new bands are bar bands unless they’re Boston. The term becomes honorific when the music belongs in a bar. This music belongs on an aircraft carrier.—/?. Christgau

• The next-to-the last big thing.— Joe Fernbacher

• Their dubious remake of “You Really Got Me” is as unimaginably ridiculous as Sissy Spacek in a Loretta Lynn wig . — Me

• We enjoy the things the working-class does. — Dauid Lee Roth (DLR from now on)

Van Halen 11

CREEM’s Joe “He Stares In Teenage” Fernbacher tackled VH II about a yard short of a first down. “This time around, they’re a little too subtle, a little too clean,” he whispered, in sly imitation of Jaclyn Smith’s perfume commercial. “A little too cautious, a little too boring.” Smell me, you fool!

Despite the proceeding fang marks, it’s really a favorable review. At least I think so. Try it on for yourself: “Disturbs the molecular structure of the cosmos...lug nut noiseasms...reminds me of high moons, no wind and car accidents...the bliss of oblivion, the sigh of brain rot ...better than Jim Dandy.”

Listen, when it comes to deciphering

In conceivably hot...ramming...red... nose.

~R.Johnson

Fernbacher, you’re barking up the wrong high chair.

☆ ☆ ☆

• “Heavy Metal that's pure, fast and clean”—R. Christgau

• “As pointless as listening to traffic updates on Radio Yukon.”—M. T. Hedd

• “One of the very few promising new practitioners of slash-and-burn agriculture around...good shot at reinventing the lemon-squeezer.”—Me again

• “We love to read reviews. The worse they hate us, the more colorful adjectives they have to use, the more scenes they

have to paint to explain why. It makes great reading!”—DLR

• “When it comes to Heavy Metal, DLR has proven he can cop, swap, and hop hernias with the best. And for the pure groinal joy of piston power between the knees, you’d think he’d prefer to chop his hog ’til it was little more than peewee pork sausage.”—Anon., Stars Cars

Women and Children First

If CREEM’s review of Women & Children wasn’t the sleaziest masquerade of objectivity in the history of drugola, my name ain’t Ranger Cftapstick. See for yourself:

“Up until now, it’s been relatively easy to ignore Van Halen or to confuse them with Van Johnson...the most endearing aspects of clothes dryers full of hunting knives... like all good things and airsickness... shockingly distasteful as a mouthfull of toenail clippings.”

As it turns out, this was another yes-vote in the manner of the review of II. If you’re familiar with CREEM’s Secret Reviewers Code, you’ll easily spot the backpat giveaway: “...as inconceivably hot as Mr. French ramming a red hot crowbar up Buffy’s little nose.”—R. Johnson (!?)

• “Van Halen—The Band You Love To Hate!”—CREEM cover, July 80.

• “Reasons why Van Halen are a great band: 1) Playing Ability — they couldn’t be more excessive if they tried. 2)Songwriting Ability — comes close to the “Iron Butterfly Theme!’ 3)Sense Of Humor—face it, these guys realize what they sound like. 4)Obnoxiousness—Arnold Ziffel-ish ‘EEEAAGGHHH’ war whoops. 5)Great Records— the best recorded sound any Heavy Metal has ever had. — Dave DiMartino

• “The reason so many critics hate Van Halen and like Elvis Costello so much is because they all look like Elvis Costello. — DLR

• “Women & Children proves conclusively that Van Halen are the finest Heavy Metal unit currently eating over the behavioral sink!’—I.M. Dum

• “The armadillo has natural protection but you do not.”—Marlin Perkins

• “(Our) English reviews are just horrible. It’s great, man! they should be framed!”—Eddie Van Halen

• “At closer inspection, Roth’s affair with his dressing room mirror is the human equivalent of making a dog lick up its own vomit.” — banned from CREEM until now!

Over The Edge

(various artists and Van Halen)

• “This is the soundtrack to one of those groan-epic films where foolish teenager discover sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll and proceed to destroy themselves with unmarketable combinations of the three. You’ve probably seen ’em all—Go Ask Alice. The Survival Of Dana. The Rick Johnson Story—they’re all the same and they’re all great.

The inclusion of Van Halen’s You Really Got Me’ will make you a small fortune on your Kinks albums.— Artaud Canyon

Fair Warning

The group’s most recent LP got squooshed into the same CREEM review as Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by Jeff Nesin.

“The first time I saw Grand Funk Railroad,” Jeff explained, zzzzzzzzz (archivist finally falls asleep).

Huh? Wot? Nina Hagen who? “Brown Eyed Girl?” Oh yeah, I remember now. Anyway, it says Fair Warning “invokes the heavy metal trinity...with zest and, truly, a sense of humor. Obviously, I think that Van Halen makes much better records and does more things well than AC/DC.” Obvious? In CREEM? Very funny, Jeff.

☆ ☆ ☆

• “Squeet.. .hertz luvs.. .cancer.”—John Kordosh

• “Kings of Feedback Nation...telepathic doorbells.”—A. Morpo

• “A spectacle of this sort has its own reason for being. But rock ’n’ roll it isn’t." — unidentified N. Y. Times critic

• “Van Halen is entertainment delivered at maximum impact ”—DLR

THE NOD COUPLE

Valerie Bertinelli, TV star and the new Mrs. Eddie Van Halen, finally ’fessed the poop to Hollywood reporter Patricia Irwin:

“Edward [Edward?] is definitely not your typical drug-crazed rock star. He’s a sweet, old-fashioned guy who looks at life the way I do.” You’ll notice I'm not touching anything she says with a ten-foot cue card.

“When lfirst met Eddie,” concluded the ‘sugar ’n’ spice' girl from One Day At A Time, “something just clicked!” (aarrgghh — get the restraints!)

He’s a wonderful husband, loving and devoted,” insisted the tube goddess about whose breasts I’ve been asked not make any snide remarks.

“My life with Eddie is more important than my career. He matters more to me than anything else.” (author forcibly sedated)

R.J.

• “They’re just playing evolutionary frisbee.” — heard in passing

• “Din pervese void, lokde sex, vulgaere reklamegas—og dodbringende

smoger!” — anon, Danish critic

Van Halen Vs. The Pulbic

(by CREEM’s Readers)

• “Joe Fernbacher eats shit if he thinks Van Halen (VH) suck.” — The Weasel

• “I was nearly in a state of shock to find even a halfway decent review of VHII in your rag. Oh yeah, how did you abusers like seeing Joey Ramone in a VH t-shirt? Nyah, nyah.”—Atomic Punk

• “Heavy Metal is what keeps humanity

sane (look at me).”—Airhead First Class

• “SHLOCK (sic!): Bee Gees, Frampton, Van Halen.”—J. Kean

• “VH = lobotomy rock”—Joe Blow

• “I just bought the best album ever!!! Women And Children First!!!!! And anyone who doesn’t think so can eat my Tallywacker!!! — Fucked Up Metal Fan

• “Listen to the lyrics of VH...this is a direct result of affirmative action programs to hire the mentally retarded.” — Won’t Get Fooled Again

• “Not homo.” —13Year-Old

• “I hate VH and I’m right! Don’t you realize the mindless, low-life vegetables you’ve got reading this rag?”—Punk Wop

• “To DLR—The first time I saw a picture of you, I thought you were a girl! The only difference between you and any girl is that you shove a sock in your spandex pants.”—P. Kovak

• “Dear Assholes, l)Girls who like Heavy Metal fuck. 2)Girls who smoke dope fuck. 3) Girls who read CREEM fuck.”—J. Martin

• “J. Martin must date a lot of whores.”

— D. Johnson. D. Baskin

• “Heavy Metal provides the youth of America with unattractive role models such as Mr. Roth.”—Teen-Age Necrophilia

• “DLR is impotent!”—Chip & Ernie

• “Now all you guys gotta do is apologize for ever printing anything on VH or corporate rock in general. DESTROY THE VOMIT INDUCING OLD FARTS FOR GOOD!” —C. Natz

• “If you think DLR and his stuffed jock

are hot, go look at the cover of Rocket To Russia. What’s in Dee Dee’s jeans is au ^ naturel.” — Queen Victoria l

• “I’m a 29-year-old school librarian. z Thanks to you, I now have a year’s subscription free! Now 1 can gaze all l want

at DLR.” — K. Brown

• “DLR is a bigger fag than Robert Plant.” — B Green

• “DLR’s excessive body hair just goes to signify he’s more ape than man." — Texas' Only Punk

• “My prediction for ’81: DLR will cut his hair and be widely mistaken for Elvis Costello." — Bob B.

• “Rik Johson reel dum. Why he say VH no good? I think they neat. Yor hole mag suks dik. ” — D.L. Roff

• “Anybody who buys VH records is automatically a degenerate.” — P. Eicher

• “DLR gives me gas. ” — Mrs. E.E.P.H.

• “It’s not our fault that the Strawberry Alarm Clock broke up." —G. Hurd

• “1 think John Lydon’s got more sex appeal in his spit that DLR’s got in his whole—ahem!—body.” — L. James

• “You’ll have to excuse Little DLR. He’s emotionally unbalanced. He has no control whatsoever over his obnoxious behavior. Or, better yet, just ignore him altogether. Like I do.” —S. Roth

• “I recently got to meet DLR in his motel room. HE MADE IT A VERY ENJOYABLE MEETING. He is really a great host. HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE YOU SCREAM AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!” — VH #1 Fan

• “Van Halen makes a great majority

of your readers retch bricks.” —P. Wop again