DAVID LEE ROTH: MR. COOL OWN WORST ENEMY?

“In all of organized baseball,” sports guru Dick Van Dyke once observed, “there’s no award for Neatest Player.”

That goes double in rock ’n’ roll. Although you see lots of sorry Byrne-outs and limey art-throbs these days who would like to come off as spic and span as Linda Ronstadt’s old scout togs, a real he-man wants to wear them while Linda is still in them.

David Lee Roth (DLR hereafter) is that kind of guy. Despite gender gap accusations from certain genitalettantes, Roth is definitely a 24-hour, full-frontal wild man. When he dances that mess around onstage, dressed in his ripped-up christening gown with a couple strings of aircraft carrier cables around his neck, you can practically hear Jim Morrison doing Dancersize in his grave. Being the controversial cartoon character that he is, DLR is the subject of all kinds of queries (and queerees). few of them nice. So after a brief scientific groping, CREEM’s computerized archives spit out some of the mostasked questions and their MISL-sanctioned answers. And if you don’t like the answers— hey, cut off our wheat supply if you’re so tough!

Who would DLR look like if he was a female?

Little Twinge

Q: Does DLR worry about fan reaction to tours and LPs?

A: “Well, you know—you get a little twinge when you make a record sometimes. But now—who cares?”

Q: What is DLR’s holy trinity?

A: Muhammed Ali, Attila The Hun and McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc.

Q: According to DLR, what city has the best women and children?

A: New York

Q: Bassist Michael Anthony says, “there’s a little Van Halen in everyone.’’ What did DLR add to that?

A: That the little bit of Van Halen should be removed.

Most Disgusting Thought

Q: What is the most disgusting thought DLR had in 1980?

A: “...something about finding Mackenzie Phillips and buying a Volvo.”

Q: What does P.S.P.A.T.S. mean?

A: In road manager lingo, it means Press Some Pussy After The Show.

Q: What does Ray Davies think of Van Halen’s cover of You Really Got Me?

A: DLR: “He loves the royalties.”

Q: What role was DLR offered in The Creature Walks Among Us?

A: The Mongus.

Q: What does DLR like most about reggae?

A: Big joints.

When

was DLR’s first love affair?

Raw Meat

Q: What did a Carter Spokesman say that sounded like advice to would-be DLR fans?

A: “You don’t put raw meat in front of these people and expect them not to eat it.”

Q: Who does DLR think has the weirdest voice, not counting himself?

A: Slim Whitman.

Q: Why no special effects in concert?

A: We don’t need lasers—we want them to see emotions flashing. “When it’s cool and sexy, I’m cool and sexy."

Not Ted Nugent

Q: How did DLR react to ex-fans calling him “pussy?"

A: “I’m not Ted Nugent.”

Q: Does that mean everybody’s a pussy except Terrible Ted?

Q: When was DLR’s first love affair?

A: Age fourteen, with a drunk Tahitian girl who didn’t speak English.

A: Is that typical of his current women friends?

A: Only the non-speaking part.

Q: Would DLR kick Pat Benatar out of bed?

A: Not if she “gained a little weight.”

Pubic Debut

Q: What was the major psychosexual event of DLR’s childhood?

A: Getting his debut pubic hair in Indiana. Parents were “not impressed,” much less Indiana.

Q: What’s DLR’s favorite movie?

A: A Thousand Clowns. Two thousand clowns?

Q: Where did DLR get his patented scream?

A: From the Ohio Players!

Q: Do they choreograph their stage show? ( A: DLR’s memory isn’t that good.

Q: What did producer Ted Templeman think of DLR the first time they met?

A: He thought he was the first singer since Jimbo Morrison to have a certain attitude.

Q: Who would DLR look like if he was a female?

A: Sylvia Miles.

How About House Broken?

Q: How did DLR break his foot for the Van Halen II cover?

A: Making one too many 12-foot leaps for the camera.

Q: And how about his hand?

A: Busted in “common street brawl” over disco, of all things.

Q: Then how 'bout his brain?

A: We’ve only got so many pages.

Mammoths and Rats

Q: What is Rat Salade?

A: It was almost the name of the group until DLR suggested Van Halen.

Q: What came before that?

A: Mammoth.

Q: Then who is Rat Scabies?

A: Go back to start.

Q: How did they get the studiously inexpensive electric piano sound on The Cradle Will Rock?

A: Says DLR: Wurlitzer piano played through Eddie’s stack of Marshalls.

Q: Does DLR dream in color?

A: Do station wagons make good bazooka targets?

Modified Bee Gees

Q: Where did the group get their sound system?

A: From the Bee Gees, says DLR. Only modified.

Q: According to DLR, why did Eddie switch from drums to guitar way back when?

A: So he could sleaze his drumming brother into the group.

Q: What do DLR and John Kordosh have in common?

A: Great respect for the National Enquirer. Q: Who thought up this stupid Q. & A. format?

A: Kordosh again. He started the whole disgusting trend in CREEM’s Guitar Horrors special.

Q: How does DLR describe his wearing appareff

A: Just like fast food chicken.

Q: What do DLR and Gene Simmons have in common?

A: Simmons produced the band’s original demos.

Q: Does that mean DLR and friends are really Kiss without their makeup?

A: Nah. A fan of theirs, however, wrote that they were and demanded $200 to keep it to himself.

Q: Did he get the $200?

A: Do sponges buy Chryslers?

Filthy Imagination

Q: What’s with the Helmut Newton poster shot of DLR in chains that came with Women and Children First?

A: “It’s upsetting... disturbing... kinky,” says the poster boy. “You’re forced to use your filthy little imagination.”

Q: What is Monkey Hour?

A: When DLR was in second grade, he was diagnosed as hyperactive. Monkey Hour is what his appalled parents called their little dogboy’s after-dinner ranting and raving. He now says he turned Monkey Hour into a career.

Q: What was DLR’s earliest inspiration?

A: The radio he got from his namesake Uncle Dave at age nine. In order to remain in a mooditative state while listening in bed, he affixed a long stick to the dial so he could play station roulette without getting up.

Spoonful of Toads

Q: Is it true the Van Halens were once in _ Genesis?

A: Yes. According to DLR, Genesis was * the name of their high school band, where 5 Alex did “Toad” for an hour or two and then unleashed Eddie on “Spoonful.”

Q: What’s the nicest thing DLR’s fellow band members ever did?

A; Talked him in off a ledge at an end-of-tour party.

Q: Why does Dave DiMartino like DLR?

A: Because they both enjoy “offending people.”

Q: When did DLR and the guys first unleash their vicious elk nostril noises?

A: Summer, 1968. Significantly enough, the year after the Summer of Love fizzled out.

Insures Thing

Q: On what kind of special insurance does DLR have, in the form of a $10,000 policy?

A: Paternity insurance!

Q: On what charge was public enemy DLR busted in Cincinnati?

A: Smoking in a designated non-smoking area.

Q: Where was this non-smoking area?

A: Onstage.

Q: Who told DLR Van Halen was so good, they ought to be headlining his tour?

A: Ozzy Osbourne during his last gasp with Black Sabbath.

Q: When did DLR make his first appearance on CREEM’s cover?

A: July 1980

Q: When will DLR make his last appearance on CREEM’s cover?

A: When snowshoes capture South Carolina.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One

Q: How many albums do Van Halen have?

A: DLR—“four!”

Q: How many platinum albums?

A: DLR-“four!”

Q: How many members does Van Halen have?

A: DLR—“four!”

Q: Then what did DLR say to his master after they got kicked out of the bar?

A: “DiMaggio?”