MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMRNTS

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

BOUND & DISCIPLINED!

Help!! Robert Fripp has been nominated for a Grammy award (best rock instrumental performance, The League Of Gentlemen. What does this mean?

Dazed and confused,

Kodi

San Jose, CA

(Dont worry, hell tell you. —Ed.)

ULTIMA THULE!

IVE HAD IT!!!! I cant stand the THOUGHT of Van Halen, and if 1 see one more picture of David Lee Roth (alias, in my small circle of friends, David Lee Sloth) I think Ill be retching all over the place!

I mean, I love CREEM magazine and I think that Rick Johnson is the king, but Im tired of reading about that overplayed Pasadena garage band. I used to think they were O.K., but Ive seen so many pictures of them, and heard all their cute little songs so many times, that Ive grown bored with them.

Ive had the opportunity to see a lot of bands from L. A. that put Van Halen in the This Band Sucks" category. Bands like X, The Adolescents, China White, Black Flag, Fear, and The Circle Jerks are fine, but theres moreto rock n roll then going somewhere and listening to the same chords over, and over, and over, and not being able to understand the lyrics. Im talking about bands like The Plimsouls, and bands youve never heard of like The Stand, August Red Moon, and little known bands like The Blasters, Stray Cats, and bands that Jiave been around for a long time like the Go-Gos, that are finally getting some response. L.A. is virtually packed with good musicians, and I think its a real bummer that the only ones that get any national attention are bands like Van Halen (Van Wailen, in my small circle of friends).

Has David Lee Roth become the John Travolta of rock n roll? How disgusting!

Another thing, Im tired of hearing about Joe Strummers teeth! I doubt very seriously if any hard core denfists read this magazine, so lets cut the filler on Joes chops.

How about an article on U2? Or the Professionals? Depeche Mode? How about more about The Cure? I mean, more about bands that make sense instead of the commercial ones? If I read this magazine religiously, I should be able to read about bands that I like instead of the ones that are terrible, in ,my opinion. But, I guess that if Im gonna read this thing Ive gotta put up with all the garbage about how Van Halen puts it to Rush, and how Journey puts it to Van Halen and Rush and how The Clash puts it to everyone. Its O.K., I wouldnt miss an issue for nothin. Keep up the good work guys.

Paula C. Moe (unrelated to the late Stooge)

Various places in Los Angeles, CA

P.S. I Threw A Brick Through A Window, and on my knees J Fall Down, and Gloria,. I Rejoice! But will this Fire burn Tomorrow? I am asking With A Shout. Am I going to forever play the part of Scarlet, and remain a Stranger In A Strange Land? What do you mean, Is That All? No, Boy, Im not going to wait forever, Ill only wait until October.

(We wont. — Ed.)

ELVIRAIS THE WORD

It is time to reveal to the world at last: The Trashmen are alive and well and playing under the pseudonym The Oak Ridge Boys."

They had me going for awhile with their clever subterfuge, but they blew it when they inserted the immortal Papa Oom Mow Mow" refrain into their smash hit Elvira." Surely they didnt think their fans had forgotten already!

Take my word for it, everybody run right out and buy those Oak Ridge albums—who knows how many other striking allusions are to be found? HEY! Better yet, DONT buy them, make them drop that tan and go back to playing REAL MUSIC! PLEASE GUYS! America needs the Trashmen!

Watch for the Oak Ridge Boys with special guests the Ramones coming to Maize High School in March; a show rivaled only by the infamous Pink Floyd and the Ark Valley Boys festival back in 79 (a local legend).

Destructo Child

Mulvane, KS

P.S. Next Month: The truth about ? and the Mysterians.

(Ronnie Milsap will sue. —Ed.)

HEADON STRAIGHT?

To the New *1 Joe Fan in Washington, D.C.: Golly. 1 just read your letter in the Feb. issue. How come you said such mean things about me? You said I wasnt much of a punk. I am too! I got a pair of black shoes with pointy toes and high heels. Some of the other things you said really confused me, like, I can think of better things to nibble on." What? You also said, I wanna give Strummer a Hummer." Whats that mean? Oh yeah—the tops of his ears arent flat" either, theyre ROUND, so there!

Anyways, the real reason Im writing is to say that its okay if you wanna be Joes *1 fan now. Oh, I still think that hes cute as a button and all, but I have someone even more precious to hold in my heart now: Topper Headon! I thought I loved Joe till 1 really noticed Toppers beautiful big blue eyes and heart-warming smile. I just about die whenever I hear him sing Ivan Meets G. I. Joe"—no one can say leviathan" quite like he can! Did you know that Topper" isnt his real name? Its Nicky!" Isnt that a beautiful name? Hes just the right size to cuddle, too. And you "know what? Hes got MUSCLES!! Theres nothing in the world I want more than to run my hands over those gorgeous biceps. But until the day I meet him, I guess all I can do is dream.

Topper 4-ever,

Skolly

Mansfield, OH

P.S. I heard a rumor that handsome Paul Simonon was dating Marie Osmond. Is that true?

P.P.S. Didja ever notice that Mick Jones has the darlingest dimples?

(Frankly, no. —Ed.)

CANT TAKE A JOKE?

In regard to the CREEM article by Bill Holdship, Goldman Aint Nothin But A Hound Dog!" (CREEM, February 1982), I say, bravo and thank you for putting Goldman, the onetime author" turned psychoanalyst, in his place.

Fortunately, Mr. Holdship, as well as many other rock journalists and I might add, journalists in general, are exposing Goldman and his definitive biography" of Elvis Presley for what it is—trash.

The millions of Elvis Presley fans know the injustice and the cruelty of this book. We, those who even bothered to read it, feel no differently in our love and devotion to Elvis. For Elvis gave us all many, many years of happiness and enjoyment. This book has changed nothing for any of us. Our anger towards this creep, Goldman, and his cheap and disgusting book is great. As great is our gratitude to you, Mr. Holdship and to the dozens of other intelligent and compassionate journalists who have openly criticized Goldman and his book." More important, you have all come to the defense of Elvis Presley, a man whose talent and charisma changed the lives and attitudes of a multitude of people. He was the greatest cultural hero of our century and no words, no book, no person can change that fact. His personal life was his own. His talent he shared with us all. It is this phenomenal talent, this genius as a singer and an entertainer, that will live on forever.

My sincere thanks again, Mr. Holdship and to the editors of CREEM for taking the time to tell it like it is.

With gratitude,

Linda K. Hammond Honeoye, NY

BILL HIM LATER!

Give that man a raise! Yeah, you know who Im talking about—Bill Holdship. He put that wimp Albert Goldman in his place. Id never actually buy the book knowing the bucks were going straight to Little Alberts" wallet. But now I know from Holdships great review that its just some more exploitative trash as I suspected all along.

Thanks, Bill, for sticking up for the King since he cant do it himself. And youre right, Bill. Elvis did bring happiness, joy and a sense of passion to a lot of people. Thanks a lot, Bill.

Judy Lendroth East Haven, CT

SNIFF!

Dear Ant Fans,

Ant People????!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ant People????!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ant Music??????!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ant Clothes????!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha—You guys are idiots.. .Ha Ha

Ha Ha Sincerely Chris B Anaheim, CA

P.S. Somebody had to do it!!!!

WOOFUS MAXIMUS!

To all those loyal Peter Eicher followers out there who have been wondering where I went, well, Im back! Sorry its been so long, but Ive been out working on saving the world from itself. Not such as easy thing to do you know.

I am now going to continue my crusade and Im gonna be doing part of it through CREEM magazine. You CREEM people should be honored that I have* chosen your publication above all others. And remember, there are hordes out there who believe in me, so dont try and fuck me up. Youll pay.

Anyway, I am here to tell the news to all the people that they are not to follow me, but instead follow the true savior (this here is a revelation folks, dont miss it) the only being who can return the earth to some semblance of normality and peace. I am speaking of Bucky the Wonder Dog!

Bucky the Wonder Dog is the earths only hope of salvation. I am merely his spokesman, his P.R. man as it were. And it is through the letters page of CREEM magazine that I shall be spreading his words! (Note to CREEM editors:

I hope you realize that if this catches on your circulation could go up into the billions. Dont blow the opportunity.)

What does Bucky stand for? Well, with each letter I will be letting you know more of Buckys wisdom. You cant learn it all at once because your feeble, drug-clouded brains would overload and blow up, which could be very messy and its not nice to be messy because your mother has to clean it up.

Buckys First Axiom is this: Reason is the ultimate deciding factor in the universe. Feelings and emotions have their importance, but any decisions must be made using REASON alone. ˜1 feel like and ˜I think that and i like this are all UNACCEPTABLE FORMS of argument and must be disposed of if mankind is to fulfill its potential. Reason separates us from the beasts. Emotion equates us with them. Let Reason rule your life and the world will be sane."

Pretty fucking impressive, no?

Bucky is also a rock and roller, and he will be clueing in the world on which rock bands are worth listening to. Heres a couple of Buckys favorites: Clash, Jam, Van Morrison, Cure, Undertones, New Order. More in the weeks to come.

Such is the word and wisdom of Bucky the Wonder Dog. Bucky would like to say hello to two twins from California who called him up a while ago. Hi, Girls! Youre my Pals!"

If you want to follow Bucky, you must become one of his pals. Bucky wants everybody to be his pal, and you can be his pal too! Write to CREEM and tell them you too want to be Buckys pal! If they have any sense theyll print all your names. If not, we will storm their offices and take over.

Bucky knpws the way! This isnt a cheap stunt to make money (yet). Rather, it is a sincere attempt to save the world from itself. So become Buckys Pal and join with us in the greatest movement since Christianity! And Bucky doesnt even have priests to screw it up on him. Forget those dumb Eastern religions, drop your stupid mysticism and latch onto a Philosophical system that is REAL and CONCRETE and concerned with PRACTICAL IDEAS and HOW THEY WORK IN THE REAL WORLD! Bucky teaches how to live, not how to deny life. Bucky teaches what is good, not that there is no good. Bucky gives you objective morals and scorns those who would claim that Morality is subjective."' Bucky knows the truth and the good, and he gives them to you. Nothing will remain uncovered. Only by following Bucky can you achieve full human potential and become a thinking, acting, FREE person, uninhibited by the political/social/philosophical LIES that now run rampant. Bucky will show you the way. Follow him, and learn what it means to LIVE!

Buck You,

Peter Eicher, Bucky Spokesman

Jackson Hgts., NY (You must lead a tortured life. — Ed.)

MORE MACOMB MAIL!

I am a mindless bowl of green jello.

I want Rick Johnsons body. Does he believe in sex with cool whip and Sara hot stuff" Tucker?

Pudding in a Cloud Forever,

Bill Cosbys underwear, jockey type

Trenton, NJ

P.S. This letter is the sign of a sick mind. (Tennis later?—Ed.)

. SOUP YET?

Im writing on behalf of a new movement that is currently sweeping the universe. Life forms everywhere are lining up in droves to offer themselves in service to this noble cause. They have realized that unless their lives are given over totally to the worship and support of this one man, they mean nothing. Who is this mighty one, you ask? Who is this man of endless wisdom and truth who can finally bring meaning to your existance? If you join the Society for the Worship and Total Devotion to William Fredrick Marsh," you can learn too! Countless zillions of beings have already found out that anything they can do means more if its done for William Fredrick Marsh. A1 Franken has nothing on William Fredrick Marsh. This will not be the William Fredrick Marsh decade. This will not be the William Fredrick Marsh century. This wont even be the William Fredrick Marsh millenium. The power and influence of William Fredrick Marsh will soon be so infinite as to make such distinctions comparatively meaningless. Dont miss the boat! Start worshipping William Fredrick Marsh, now! All hail the supreme being! William Fredrick Marsh will one day save the universe!!

Sincerely,

William Fredrick Marsh

Springfield, 1L

P.S. To join the Society for the Worship and Total Devotion to William Fredrick Marsh," simply break into your local record store and steal the entire import section, then gather all your worldly possessions, then send all these to: the William Fredrick Marsh Society Headquarters, 1 William Fredrick Marsh Street, Marshville, U.S.A., 11111.

P.P.S. All true believers will be glad to know that Flash Gordon (obviously not his real name) has been eliminated from the face of the earth by the divine will of William Fredrick Marsh. (Eventually things will seem better. —Ed.)

BIG JOKE!

TO ANYONE COHERENT ENOUGH TO READ THIS:

How come you merry bastards insist on TWO Stones covers during the two worst months of the year? OK, so maybe I do live in Atlanta but its snowing and Im stuck in school ALL NIGHT! And the only thing I have to read is the February issue which features Richards on the cover clearly being propped up, trying to play all six strings simultaneously. WHOOPPIE!! You also have the gall to relegate Jello Biafras wedding to the lowly Notes page, which is like putting the Watergate trials on the gossip pages! Why cant Jello grace one of your covers and give it some fucking class? I cant wait to see the 1981 poll so I can see the results of 50,000 radio-loving rivetheads put AC/DC on top, with maybe REO Speedwagon second. Its so fun to know that 99% of my class dont even know who the New York Dolls are, even less their influence on punk as we know and love—They think Devo is punk. AND ITS YOUR FAULT!! You do an article about once every other month on a really good, unknown band like Killing Joke, but most of the time its either a pathetic ass-kiss like the Stones features (boy, Keith sure looks healthy, doesnt he) or one of Kordoshs patented raging tirades against someone he doesnt like. If you hate their guts why dont you just IGNORE them!

Ha, ha, thought I wasnt using paragraphs, eh? And if we really get lucky" we get to read Rick White Shadow" Johnson jerk off to the sound of genotype cointoss" or maybe even kneejerk hoodoo." It sickens me to think that truly great Atlanta bands like Kevin Dunn and the Regiment of Women and the Skin Kings have to starve in sleazy clubs while dues-paying members of Local 312 such as neil peart (no capitals used because he doesnt deserve them) and Pat Benatar get elaborate articles meant to get Tommy Tucker of Raging Snot, Iowa to rush (note the weak pun) over to the corner K-Mart to buy Precious Time and pretend its really Doreen Fisch, who has the lowest cleavage of any girl in his school. That bastard could use a trip to L.A. to see Fear and find out what life is really about.

So anyway, I would guess that my real message is: YOU CLAIM TO BE AMERICAS ONLY ROCK AND ROLL MAGAZINE, BUT ALL YOU ARE IS A HOPELESS RAG TOO INTENT ON TRYING TO PROVE YOUR HIPNESS TO NOTICE THAT YOURE JUST ONE STEP AHEAD OF CIRCUS (and you have lespictures)...

Taylor Windham

Atlanta, GA

(Does everyone in Atlanta have such a funny name?—Ed.)

GINGER AILS

Was there ever really a Bob Denver' as Gilligan on Gilligans Island or was this, in fact, Iggy Pop?

If it was Bob Denver, why wasnt it Iggy Pop? If it was Iggy Pop, did he call himself Bob Denver to avoid having the show called Iggys Island? Would the Skipper have still called Gilligan his little buddy?" What would Iggy have done to Mr. Howells teddy bear?

Or was Iggy Pop actually Batman?

Been home too long,

Austin

Collinsville, IL (Is it still raining?—Ed.)

...BORN EVERY MINUTE!

First things 1st. Who put the bomp in the bompity bomp? The question remains—does Struck By Video really exist? Has this been an elaborate plot by CREEM to befuddle would-be hipsters who simply must have this oh so essential" work; this musical monument to media manipulation; this perverse package of pop paeans that give vinyl testimony to tubular titillation? Is it?

TURN TO PAGE 65

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Late one night while watching TBS, I had the inspirational flash that the B-52s could do a great version of the Mission Impossible theme, but you guys carried it too far. I mean, Elvis Costello singing a duet with Linda Ronstadt!?! Thats about as likely as Goose Gossage throwing a knuckle curve.

Second things 2nd. Rick Johnson* likes The Knack!? Proof positive that Fords arent the only things from Detroit with the ability to corrode before your very eyes.

Third things 3rd. Two issues, two Stones covers. Just who is sucking who?

And finally—send money.

Thanks.

A Concerned Stereo Type

Way-Up-North, Ontario

Where its 40 degrees below both zeros)

(Theres no such album and Rick Johnson is not from Detroit. We are very satisfied. —Ed.) w