MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

DUMB QUESTION!

A question which plagues me: what doesb/w mean, referring to the flip side of single records?

Jack Cloe, who has never owned good

stationery

Kalamazoo, MI

(It meansBoneheads will-not-know-whatthis-means.—Ed.)

THROBBING PROBE!

Does rock n roll still exist?

Sincerely,

Brian P. Grancorvitz

Waupun, WI

(Well tell you after we eat lunch with Mike Love. —Ed.)

PASSEN DAS ALPO!

So, Mick Jagger thinks the record buyers in America areUnsophisticated. Ha. And I supposed a 40-year-old anorexia nervosa victim in football tights issophisticated.

Rolling over the Stones,

Gathered Moss

Trenton, NJ

MASCARA SNAKE RETURNS!

The smartest thing you lot have done all year is to put Raymond Davies on the cover! I havent bought CREEM in three months but was so possessed by his beautiful grin beaming out from the newsstand that I had to buy not one but two copies. (You can thank me by printing this.) What a man! We could have done without the pic of Ray and ole black eyes, Prissy Chrissie though. Yikes, imagine waking up next to that in the morning. So you get your orgasms by thinking bout the Kinks, eh Pris? Gee, youre embarrassing our dear Ray-o. At least he has the grace to keep quiet about you. Are you proud to singThe Adultress?? (No, Im not jealous— Ive got my own.)

But theres more to Mr. Davies than having the sexiest ass in rock n roll (with Dave D. a close second) and his endless songwriting and performing talents. Aside from being a man who can really stuff down his eggs and toast, Ray is the warmest, kindest, most real person ever to misfit the role ofrock star. A kiss from Ray is like a thousand kisses—especially an unexpected one, Hell still be writing when everybody else is in a wheelchair.

And while I was busy reading Melody Maker instead of CREEM you went and raised the price! Well, I know the story: rising costs and all.

Just keep the quality high and add a few more pages and youll hear nary a complaint from this berg. But youll have to decide if you want to be a heavy metal rag or aneu musik mag. I prefer the latter, so leave HM to Circus.

Take your advice Prissy, and F—k off!!!

Kink Kronikler

In my little Shangri-la,

Columbus, OH

P.S. It sure is good to have a mag like CREEM in which to expound like a loon and not disclose ones identity or place of residence. I think!!

(How do you think we get our writers?—Ed.)

YOW! PUNKS!!

Recent studies have shown, as I will so intelligently prove, that when a certain musical throng is experiencing the more painful side of the music business (i.e., lack of album sales, lack of airplay, and lack of general public interest), they are usually inclined to attack an easy target and say something like,I do find American punk groups...pathetic. You, or excuse me... That Certain Group might as well just say,Yeah, I guess the people out there finally figured out that were just a bunch of assholes that cant get anyone to listen to our music cuz it sucks.

Well, anyway, to the point: The Psychedelic Furs are experiencing that painful side of the music business where people are ignoring their rot, and Richard Butlers gotta show his limited number of fans that hes codl and his bands the only one that matters—by saying some crap about who really gives a shit about music.

Now some little kid (hopelessly strung out on the Furs) is gonna cruise on into the local record and tape outlet, come across Black Flags Damaged LP (plug, plug) and sayNah! This is that pathetic L.A. punk band! Ill get some Velvet Underground discs instead. This poor, unknown child wont know what a giant mistake hes made until Billy from down the street plays that Black Flag disc right next to the other kids Velvet bullshit and burns little Furbabys ears right offa his head!

Well, anyway (again), tell Richard Buttocks to kick himself in the ass, not someone who doesnt deserve it.

Very truly mine,

Tom Niemeyer

Clinton, WA

P.S. When The Accused played at the Langley High Talent Show the principal plugged his ears and left. Isnt that cool? Huh?

P.S.S, Tell R. Christenson that his fully little cartoons are the only reason I re-subscribed. (There are more ways than one tobum somebodys ears off. —Ed.)

DESIGN HER GENES!

One would think that Jamie Lee Curtis would have enough fashion sense to realize that she is wearing her shirt backwards. REALLY! HOW GAUCHE!

Your Bosom Buddy,

Bill Blass

Cleavage Designs International

Decolletage, MI

WHITE ON WHITE

Well, Andy Warhol was right about everybody enjoying 15 minutes of fame, but I enjoyed a full hour and a half! There I was onstage with Pat Benatar! Then we went back to her hotel room! She undressed and got in bed! I slept on the floor!

In the morning she was gone, and I was left alone.

I wish shed come back for me.

Stranded in a hotel room,

Pats Panties

Toronto, Ontario

CANADA

PEOPLE STILL CARE?

I am writing this letter to label the Phil Collins interview the most disgusting piece of trash I have read in ages. Collins actually seems to be proud of the fact that he shrewdly manipulated guitarist/bassist Mike Rutherford and keyboardist Tony Banks (who is the real mastermind behind Genesis) into transforming rock from one of the most progressive bands in rock into a commercial funk (?) band. Hey, it I want to listen to Earth, Wind and Fire, Ill buy one of their albums! They do it much better anyhow.

Because of one very fair solo effort that happened to do, well commercially, Collins blows his head all out of proportion. Heurges people to forget what they think of as Genesis and hewants to keep going until we get it right because weve never really done it right. Bullshit! Then he goes on to say that hehates the Yes kind of music of which we may ostensibly place old Genesis in that category. But thatYes kind of music is good enough to make bucks and seek solo recognition! He runs over the already dead dog to sayThey [Tony and Mike] did not have personality on stage, but I had. By the way, did Collins go through puberty before this interview or is he still a Fly on a Windshield!?

Chris Smyzer

Scottsdale, AZ

(We knew it would mean something to somebody. —Ed.)

A JOKE!

Question: What crawls and goesding dong?

Answer: A wounded Avon lady!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

As sincere as Yo Mama,

œRick Johnson

Birmingham, Ml

FLORIDA NO MORE!

Things are so BORING right now. But then, 1 dont have to tell YOU. Youre the guys who wrote last months issue. In my first (and last) letter (which you printed), 1 had nothing to say but said it anyway. This time around, I started to write you a rap poem calledThe Magnificent Rick but never got past the lineRing! Ring! around the collar... (Happy New Year R.J.!!!!). So, instead, I will say nothing, again, but in a different way. (Kinda like the Rolling Stones, huh?)

I am right now listening to my local ˜"rock radio station (their logo is a rock with headphones on) and it is so bad that I have just gotten up and turned it off. But! Even though we do not have a decent radio station down here (who does anyway) we DO have Claudia Perry.

I have no idea what shes doing here, but Im not one to look into the eyes of a gifted horse (or something). Anyway, our first sold-out concert in 10 years was Journey and was BIG NEWS. Ms. Perry blasted the show with tasty lines likeDonald Duck sucking on helium and the odd reference to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Well, she got into a lot of trouble. It was so fucking pathetic the way all the radio stations jumped all over her (not to mention the 12,000kids who attended the show). Ive really enjoyed her writing, especially her Kinks article and Killing Joke review. Shes a bit of alright, even though she does have some sort of U2 fixation.

Finally, I must admit to the world that I like Abba. I have come out of the closet now that Ive found out that Joe Strummer likes them as do the Slits. They do write good tunes andFernando always reminds me of my summer in Italy, standing in the gardens at Tivoli looking down at Rome where you cant tell the fireflies in the brush from the twinkling lights of the city... (sigh)

Cioa, Arivederci, and Soave Bolla!

Bettydisgracing the family name Templeton

Jacksonville, FL

P.S. Hey Steve the Parking Attendant from Minneapolis: Do you know Michelle????

P.P.S. If any of you CREEMsters are ever in this area (god forbid) stop by at my place of employment. Its the demure little building on Highway 17...the one with the golden arches in front of it. Ill be the one with the Undertones badge on my collar and the thoughts of Edouard Dauphin in my head. See yall soon.

P.P.P.S, Any further correspondence from me will probably come from Beantown where I am forced to go in pursuit of Higher Education (that is, if Ill still be able to write).

(Dauphin takes ˜˜hot mustard with his Chicken & Chips. — Ed.)

YOU GOTTA ZENYATTA!

OPEN LETTER TO MITCHELL COHEN:

Regarding your (and I use the term loosely) review of Ghost In The Machine; Ive never read such a load of shit in my entire life! Even Rick Johnson writes better than this!

I am not interested in reading a morality play on musical integrity, or in Garry Ahrenbergs sex life (or lack of one) with Darla Frakiss. Whatever happened to normal record reviews? Have they suddenly become unfashionable or something? I love Ghost In The Machine, but I will grant youre entitled to an editorial opinion. What it is, though, I cant fathom. Youd better get your act together, Cohen. No one likes a pinhead rock journalist. You even quoted the lyrics wrong, TWIT.

OPEN LETTER TO STEWART COPELAND:

I want your body. Next time youre in Washington, D.C., give me a call and we can have some cruel and wicked animal passion.

Will you please get after Klark Kent to put out an album sometime soon? Or maybe an EP of his old singles. We, his legions of rabid followers, await.

Liz Benbrooks

Forced to associate with Rush and Lynyrd

Skynyrd fans in

Springfield, VA

(They must think highly of you. —Ed.)

BON AMI!

While re-reading some of your back issues, I found some things that needed settling. First and " foremost: this AC/DC actually makes money from their singing?!? Oy vey! Ive heard better music from my cat when I step on her tail. For the most part, my attitude is this: if they can sing higher than I can (and theyre supposed to be males of the species) 1 give up on them right then and there. And if they have to scream, HOW MUCH CAN THEY HAVE TO SAY?? 1 wont waste my time discussing the immortal Led Zeppelin lyrics fromWhole Lotta Love— you know, the meaningful part that goesHey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Man oh man, what depth. I can hardly stand it. I was born a little late but Im still into theOld Wave—Id sooner listen to the Fab Four (and I dont mean Van Halen) than anybody. Yes, still! And the Who and the Stones and the Doors (more on them later)!!

Okay. In your August issue (remember way back then, gang?) a lovely girl named Gail Warings (cute) from Genesee college (they didnt call it Genesleazo til you got there Gail, dear) made the incorrect statement that all the girls there are fat. Well, Ive been there and I beg to differ. Also, two of my best friends go there (Hi Marie and Barb!) and.:.they have back issues of CREEM on their library!! (It was, of course, on that basis that I made my decision to apply there.)

And next...in the, uhhh, the issue with Ray Davies (the month escapes me), there are two points I must clear up. Lisa: Adam Ants tattoo saysPure Sex, I think, then again it may beRude Sex. Youd need a clearer look to tell for sure, sooo...

Next: Whether or not John Travolta plays Jim Morrison (please God let it me a rumor), the trend wont be suicide in Paris because, depending on how much you rea//y know about ol Jimbo either 1) He didnt kill himself—he died of a heart attack (likely story, huh? Theyve got a nice bridge to sell you too) or 2) HES NOT DEAD!!! Which is, of course, the truth. Someone my Sis knows is psychic and says Jim is living in Montana, but the truth is...he is alive and well and living in my closet, where I keep him a whole hell of a lot better entertained than he would have been in Montana. He sleeps during the day while Im at school and we practice indoor sports at night (phys. ed. is so much more fun when you think of it ashaving Jim). Now that the truth has been revealed...

Im sorry I didnt use lots and lots of swear words but I go to a Catholic school and Ive trained myself to swear only when Im outside a 100-foot radius of school or home. So I hope the revelation about Jim and the Led Zep comments in the first paragraph will be enough to get my letter printed.

Sincerely (stress on the SIN)

Tish

Rottenchester, NY

P.S. Sorry, but I have this parentheses fetish...

P.P.S. I saw the Clash on Fridays (twice) and they were swell! So there!

(œSwell is what happens after most oral surgery. — Ed.)

ROCK DEFINED!

Yo Tengo Hoy, Gemmum,

What gives here? You bill yourself as Americas Only Rock n Roll Magazine, but all you print is new wave bullshit. New wave is not music, it is agony. Looking at those new wave chicks is really weird, like Bizarro World in living color. And those great new wave guys! Dont you people realize that they are all wimps and ugly people???!!! Not only that, but they have no musical talent. None. They are devoid of it.

Rock n roll, if you havent figured it out yet, is Def Leppard. It is Rainbow. It is Black Sabbath. It is UFO. It is Deep Purple., It is Ozzy. It is Michael Schenker. And of course, it is Ritchie Blackmore.

It is not Romeo Void. It is not Pat Benatar. It is most certainly not Bruce Springsteen. It is not the Clash. It is not XTC. It is not Human Sexual Response. It is not Van Halen.

I think you get the idea.

Rock n roll has its roots in the blues. Heavy metal is also a way of life. Breakfast with Black Sabbath, lunch with Led Zeppelin and dinner with Deep Purple. Some people even take drugs when they listen to heavy metal. Even heavy metal is a drug.Beam me up Scotty!

Oh, sorry. These are really powerful drugs, man.

I think I gotta go now,

Love and kisses,

Wrathchild.

Hempstead, NY

P.S. Statistics show that four out of five people who take heavy drugs think that Ritchie Blackmore is God.

(On the other hand, Ritchie Blackmore, who takes statistics, thinks four out of five people are God.-Ed.)

CREEM EDITORS SHIRK RESPONSIBILITIES!!

I was fortunate enough to attend two major heavy metal concerts this week. I saw Cheap Trick and UFO on Tuesday night in Georgia and a rock festival with Blue Oyster Cujt, Heart, Firefall, Cheap Trick and UFO on Saturday. What I didnt see were any CREEM representatives! Believe me, I would have seen them if they had been there—if fact I saved all my empty booze bottles throughout the day, in hopes that I could get a shot if I did see one.

If you people would get out of the office and get to where the action is maybe you would have something to put in your magazine besides the usual read three-Iines-and-youre-asleepgarbage. I buy CREEM every month for three reasons: the cover, the calendar and Backstage. Your articles suck. I will give you ten pts. for your wallet size photo of Rachel Sweet in your May 1981 issue and will continue buying CREEM for such rare occasions.

Rick Rivethead

Savannah, GA

P.S. Never did get one of Rick Nielsens picks, even though he threw hundreds of them into the crowd.

P.P.S. AC/DC rules supreme!!!

(Tacos do. — Ed.)

GUY AND RALNA WERE PUNK ROCKERS!

My Dearest Associates Prevailing .CREME: You may speak all you want about othermagnificent albums, but I have ultimately recently purchased the album of the twentieth century. It is Lawrence Welk: Live And Unleashed! This is pure Welk like youve never heard him before. Such artistry! Obviously one of the great musical masterpieces of our time. Yours Indubitably,

WarrenMyron Welkie

Top Tomato,

Lawrence Welk Fan Club

Pismo Beach, CA