MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

WARUM IST EST?

Yer November rag was the usual scurrilous delight, except for the Stones review. Soooo, Nick Tosches took umbrage at the lyric content. Merciful heavens. Fact is, he was so upset, he missed the fact that the band has never sounded better, ever.

Now listen. Numero uno, that impossibly convoluted first sentence was uncalled for. Youd never get away with that garbagio if you were plying your chosen trade (reviewing country music); rednecks,are even dumber than CREEM readers (its not impossible).

Next, if you insist on lowering yourself to auteurism, do get the lyrics straight. Yeah, I know that Jaggers mushmouth powers peaked on this disc, but your credibility is shaky enough—misquoting toward editorial ends doesnt help. (And dont tell me how clearly George Jones enunciates—with his lyrics, terminal harelip would be a blessing).

But all this sort of begs the issue. Theres more than enough gratuitous nastiness to support your thesis. But dig, Clem, the Stones have made a long, and profitable career out of violating middle class sensibilities. If you want nice rock V roll, Harry Chapin and the Carpenters are readily available.

-Finally, you completely neglect the Stones very real redeeming social value. Somebody's got to write music for us grimacing flotskies and Zappa aint funny anymore. If your goals have got anything to do with sexual politics, forget it. Nobody takes CREEM seriously enough to buy or pass up a record on the strength of a review. Regards to them Nashville cretins, boah.

Keep On Jivin

Kid Serutein

Arlington, VA

TOPOLOGY REDEFINED!!

When the hell is this business with the donuts gonna end? Ya mentioned em twice again in Decembers issue—pages 8 and 40! And ya know what it looks like when you stick a tootsie roll through a donut hole?

Keeping my mouth shut,

Leonard Moon

Window shopping in Dunkin Donuts,

Trenton, NJ

STRANGE NEW CULT!!

Jim Farber,

In regards toyour Motorhead album review: Die. Quickly. Who are you to interpret Motorheads work the way you do? You have no idea what concepts and ideas the band works with. You can only guess. And you guessed wrong this time, pal. Their live album, No Sleep Till Hammersmith, entered the British charts at *1: Number one. And thats in Britain, where the heavy metal revival is the strongest. Are all these people wrong and you (obviously an outsider looking in)' right? 1 doubt it. Youre definitely missing the point. And thats your loss. riot ours. We dont need you anyway. So why not stop looking for hidden meanings that just arent there and enjoy the premier new heavy metal band (England says so!), Motorhead. 1-2-3-Kerrraanngg!!

I Accept Your Apology,

Bob Mayo Stoughton, MA

(Been in any sandwiches lately?—Ed.)

NAME THAT GOON!

This is a descriptive paragraph I wrote for my English class after seeing a photograph in a recent issue of your magazine. Can YOU guess WHO it is?

He sits majestically in the chair, upright and relaxed. His beige pants, tucked into black leather boots, fit tightly on his finelyformed legs. His sleeveless black shirt reveals the smooth bulging muscles of his tanned arms as he holds himself in a sensual embrace. The light burnishes his flowing golden hair. His face, marked by a life of debauchery, is savage; and his gaze, under arched brows, is one of focused intensity.

I got an A 4-.

"Signed,

A Drooling Schoolgirl Cleveland, OH

(Jim Nabors has dark hair. —Ed.)

SHAZAM!

This letter is to inform the world of a group of soldiers who call themselves new wave marines. Dedicated to the idea of a new wave Marine Corps, we go through the vigorous Marine corps boot camp, but then rather than follow our plebe-headed leaders, we follow the teachings of Black Flag, Dead Kennedys and the Ramones. Punk is a natural for the Marine Corps; imagine the Ayatollah in the middle of slam dancing Marines. And take another look at the cover of the Ramones Road To Ruin: Does Johnnys shirt say U.S.M.C.? I swear, Sgt. Carter would piss himself. Remember—napalm sticks to babies.

Goin pogoin'

Beaufort, SC

P.S. What else is there to do in Beaufort, SC? (One could always write ones mother. —Ed.)

DOC SEVERINSEN ON CALL!

The Clash as a possible opening act for the Rolling Stones? Cmon Mick, isnt that kinda like Beethoven opening for the NBC Orchestra? Nothing Against Tommy Newsome,

Junior G.P.

Yardville, NJ

FUTURE MR. DRYSDALE!!

I am presently enrolled in the course Intermediate Microeconomic Theory at Rutgers University and, not surprisingly, am having an awful lot of trouble with it. We are studying the behavior of firms and I was wondering, since you guys are indeed a firm, if you could straighten me out on a few things.

First, is equilibrium achieved where price equates short margined cost, and, if so, should equalibrium occur above your average variable cost? Second, Id like to know if you are at equilibrium occur above your average variable cost? Second, Id like to know if you are at equilibrium being achieved. Since the supply curve is, obviously, the short run marginal cost curve above its intersection with the average revenue, equals marginal cost. Right? Thirdly, in reference to your production function, are you at equilibrium when your diminishing marginal physical product curve of a certain input (factor of production) intersects your average physical product curve for that same input? If you are, then the line drawn from the origin to your total product curve is just tangent to the curve at the same quantity level characteristic of the marginal product and average products intersection. Isnt this true?

Please clear me up on these points. And please reply promptly, preferably by Wednesday, since I have a test on Thursday. Thank you! Yours very sincerely,

Dan Balogh,

South River, NJ

P.S. I dont avoid, I watch Uncle Floyd! (Address further inquiries to our Circulation Director. Yuk-Yuk. —Ed.)

THE DEATH OF SGT. GARCIA

Hola: We are on desert

There are a friends from norwest of Mexico on the border with Arizona, there is the same ground (land).

The reason cos we written you is the fact that we are very fanatic of the maestro Canadian Mr. Neil Young and—everybody likes him here not just us, then your magazine that is our favorite, there a strange thing, too some-people who dont speak any English but they have oun groups,

Well, Tucson tell us that N.Y. was present in' the past are no what year with Linda Ronstadt as you know—shes born in Tucson then the people wants to see L.R. and the people get back out of the stage to N.Y., then we want to know if this was happen really.

If you Neil Young read this please we will waiting for all life you comunication ok.

ADIOS!

Juan R_Carranzza Lourdes Tapia Rodriguez Hermosillo, Sonora Mexico

P.d. Please Blue Oyster Cult continuos the good road.

P.d.d. They preference was Linda R.

P.d.d.d. Who is ED, Eddie Money or who?

(Stop eating cactuses, — Ed.)

CHEETAH IS A PUNK ROCKER!!

Geez, CREEM, da Unsung Heros a Rock n Roll bit on Louis Prima wuz real thorough an enlightening an all. but youse forgot da real high point of da mans career: providing the voice for. the character of King Louis, the insane orangutan in Walt Disneys animated Jungle Book (1969). 1 mean, geez CREEM, I tink he maya even been up fer a Grammy er sumpin. Tsk n fer shame, CREEM.

Oddly Enough,

Hilee Unlikelee

Grand Rapids, Ml

TICK-TACO!!

Enough is enough!; Ive been buying your mag for about five years, and if you have improved something, thats your stupidity. You have some specimen writing your articles who call themselves rock critics, and think the Rolling Stones are still a good group.

Look, I write some articles in a rock magazine here in Mexico, and I understand rock music better than all the CREEM staff put together. Now, here are the reasons:

1) Like I said: You still think the Rolling Stones are a good group, have you noticed Tattoo You sounds exactly like their other 72 albums?

2) You think you have the Only Truth about rock, and thats a mistake because I obviously' have it.

3) You hate groups like Rush, Queen, Pink Floyd etc., which is as naive as hating the Beatles, Who, or Stones back in the 60s.

4) The aforementioned groups are the only ones who are contributing something new to rock music.

5) You criticize a group for its image, rather than, for its music.

6) 1 want you to listen again to: A Night At The Opera, Hemispheres. The Wall. The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. The Grand Illusion. Sad Wings Of Destiny, etc. Now tell me, do you understand them?

7) You still think the Rollings or the Zeppelins are good groups.

8) You didnt dedicate a full page to Bon Scotts death.

9) Youre so stupid, you need five or ten years to realize you are wrong.

Flash Gordon (Obviously not my real name).

Mexico D.F.

P.S. PRINTTHIS!?, you can put a stupid remark at the end of it.

P.P.S. Watch out for new Heavy Metal with Mistus in 1982. ,.

(Were still dealing with this Only Truth concept. Hector. —Ed.)

SHEAR DELIGHT!

Dear CREEM Editors and who ever else has the low mentality to work for this magazine,

I just read a letter in the December issue of someone from Baldwinville, New York write in to apply for a job. Well, I think Im qualified to be a staff writer for CREEM also. I do not want to dupe you guys jnto believing Im a crackpot, but 1 have some credentials I think you will appreciate. Notice how 1 said think youll appreciate, not know youll appreciate. You guys are just so unpredictable.

1.) I am a big T.Rex fan.

2.) I write as if Im under the influence of drugs.

3.) I get off on sniffing glue.

4.) I have an extensive police record.

5.) Ive been on the lamb since 1972 (I was born in 1966).

6.) I know the typing touch system.

Well, those are my credentials. I hope you will consider my bid for a job, and mail me an application. 1 would like very much to join the staff of zanies of this publication.

Forever bewildered,

Andrew Slater

Flanders, NJ

(Send a picture of yourself on the lamb and youre in. —Ed.)

RHYMES WITH SARDINE!

Hee hee. You guys are too much! You put all those hokey heavy metal yobhos on your covers so the millions of H.M. breezeheads will have to fork out the green to read about their heroes. Then you have Rick Johnson, of all people, to do the story! Kind of the equivalent of Tom Snyder writing about Rona Barrett. The rest of the mag is vastly populated with the well-deserved likes of Squeeze and John Cale. Quite an operation you chaps are running!

Actually, I wanted to expurgate on the« decline of an American institution: the Beach Boys. Ive thought about this and Ive figured it could only oe attributed to one thing: A1 Jardine.

For one, hes not related in the least to the Wilson clan (thats one big strike there!). Hes too short, he smiles too often, hes not potentially offensive enough like Mike Love—Als just there! —and he contributes nothing to the Boys.

■ Listen to Beach Boys Concert (the 1st Capitol one). At the beginning of Little Deuce Coupe, Mike Love intros each member as each B. Boy takes a two-bar solo. When its Jardines turn on rhythm guitar, we get nothing! Absolutely nothing! Appropriately enough, he got the least applause. Right on, Sacramento! The Boys even left A1 sitting on the dock for the Summer Days & Summer Nights LP cover. Pity A1 didnt get the message.

Jardines vocalizin aint much to spit at either. Cmon now, anyone can sing Help Me Rhonda! Even Rick Johnson! Jardines At My Window, Take A Load Off Your Feet, and a stupid Cotton Fields were all the lowest points on their respective platters. Okay, so A1 turned Lady Lynda into a'semi-quasi hit, around to collect his substantial royalties.

And worst of all, milk-fed Jardine once said that he wished the Beach Boys never progressed any further than California Girls! That means no Surf s Up. No Good Vibrations. NO PET SOUNDS!!! I think Jardines got his head rectally inserted. Ill bet it was A1 who convinced Brian not to release Smile (the scum).

What say we send of A1 back to the beach (Vietnams maybe) for a LONG time. Maybe they could get David Marks back. Or maybe even Gleri Campbell! Hell, Rick Johnson would be an improvement!

Anything to bring back the joyous noise of that brawny, suntanned fivesome: the Beach Boys.

Columnated ruins domino

Reginald Gluck

Columbia, SC (Go butter your head. —Ed.)

NEW TEETH FOR OLD!

The alleged *1 Joe Fan Skollys gushing sentimentalities over Joe Strummer were enough to make me puke. Joe has something special huh? Well, that something special has probably never been seen in any photograph. Those erstwhile, adolescent fantasies cannot appreciate Joes hardcore sexuality. Sure Joe Strummers a fox, but who the hell wants to nibble those cute little points at the tops of his ears? Some immature little nympho, obviously. How boring. The tops of his ear? are flat anyway, and Mr. Spock, he aint. 1 can think of better things to nibble on. Ive never heard Strummer croon Career Opportunities either. He belts it oub Rough stuff. A shy kiss?... dreamy looking? Come off it! Talk about being caught up in Bubble Gum fantasy! Id just want to get into his pants cuz...I wanna give Strummer a Hummer!!!! Besides, we politicallyoriented types know how to deal with each other.

The New *1 Joe Fan from where else but

Washington, D.C.

P.S. Run home to your daddy, Skolly. I like guys who put grease in their hair AND have rotten teeth! And no, I dont think he looks ever more darling and kissable with his new teeth. How poetically sweet and disgusting. What a naive child, and obviously not much of a punk. Boot her out!

P.P.S. So much for oral fixations.

(Isnt life terrible?—Ed.)

EMERGE THE YAWN...

I know why this magazine prints letters by Punks. Its because they are more interesting that letters printed by rivetheads like Joe Moss(head) of Hayway, CA. So, next time you see Joe, tell him that very thing, OK?

I truly love Adam Ant. Really. The only thing that can come between me and Adam Ant is a can of (are you ready for this?) BLACK FLAG!!!

SO MUCH FOR THIS PUNK VS. RIVETHEADS VS. ANTPEOPLE WAR. (which has been fought for too long already) (I wish the kids—punks, rivetheads, antpeople, preppies, etc.—would get together and overthrow the real enemies like the MORAL MAJORITY, the NAZI PARTY—cant wait till Nazi Punks Fuck Off by the Dead Kennedys comes out—PRESIDENT REAGAN, JAMES WATT, and the KU KLUX KLAN.) (I wrote a song called The Night We Blew The KKK Away. I hope I can get in a band pretty soon so that I can get some music put to these lyrics.) (Ill betcha some Imperial Lizard from the Klan will write to this magazine and call me a Jew Commie Fag or something like that. I hope so, theyre my favorite comedians.) (The Imperial Lizards, that is.)

Now, youve done a very good article on the L.A. Punk scene (but you shouldve put X on the cover. Van Halen already have too much publicity.) Now, when am I gonna see an article on THE DEAD KENNEDYS??? Theyre getting quite popular now. Theyre witty. Jello Biafra is sexy enough for you without putting phony chest hair or whipped cream on his chest. And he dont need no pirate suits or tennis balls stuffed down his crotch, either.

Signed,

WOLF SOUP Morro3ay, CA

P.S. Neal Pearts a great comedian, too. P.P.S. I suppose the caption for this letter will be something like: youre a great comedian, too, or too bad youre not, right?

(What would be the point?—Ed.)

IT HELD TWAS IN I!

Hi! My friend Ralph and I really enjoy CREEM. Unfortunately we live in Inner Mongolia and often find that our local newsstand does not stock it. We have taken out ads in newspapers, sent a message in a bottle, tied one to a kite, put commercials on TV, even sent smoke signals in order to call this fact to your attention. But nothing has worked, and still CREEM rarely appears in our area. It is as the great Llama said, Being a CREEM fan in the Himalayas is somewhat akin to being a surfer in Montana. We dont know what hes talking about (Montana? Is that anywhere near Canada?), but the Llama is a very wise man and we do not question his judgement.

The August 1981 issue, you will be glad to know, did show up at our newsstand (right next to .Camel Owner and Better Huts and Gardens.) Ralph and I did not have the $1.50, but were able to trade a few waffles for it. This means that we will go hungry for a few weeks and miss this months issue of Blizzard Monthly, but we feel it was worth it. We never fail to find CREEM packed with facts that we didnt know we cared about until we read them. I, for instance, found the cover story on Judas Priest very interesting. Judas certainly sounds like a nice guy. He looks like a real asshole though. So do his friends. By the way, is he really a priest? The great Llama would like to know. Ralph says he intends to enter the contest for the motorcycle. He would like to know if you could put snow tires on it for him if he wins.

I must cease typing now. I am using the great Llamas typewriter and he wishes to add more words to his book of wisdom. May the Llama walk always by your side. Prieni Mozerrella. Signed,

Dinky (Ralphs friend)

ME 262, Inner Mongolia (c/o the Llama)

TOO ROYALLY BONED

Nick Tosches had to misquote a lot (the line is I need someone to protect, not possess— theres a world of difference) and misinterpret a lot more in order to come up with a pretty limp case for the Stones collective mean streak on Tattoo You.

TURN TO PAGE 65

MAIL

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

He deliberately left out lines (I need someone to cry to) and whole songs (Heaven and Worried About You), and ignored the sense of humor in the songs he did mention (Neighbours, for Christs sake!). And a sense of humor is the one thing I buy CREEM for, I mean the captions under the pictures are always funny.

Anyway, Tosches wouldnt convince anyone whod heard the album that the Stones hate women, or people in general, or themselves, or whatever. He just comes off looking stupid (yeah, its possible), insensitive! or just determined to write a review the opposite of the one in Rolling Stone. (Maybe you people should review albums before the competion gets to them.)

And about your last sentence, Nick: you shouldnt feel clean even compared to Ronald Reagan! .

At least 1 still like the pictures,

Vancouver, B.C.

CANADA

(Review the albums before the competition gets to them? Ooooo. meeaaaan... —Ed.)

DAYS OF WINE AND HOLLANDAISE!

The following is a true story:

It is the morning of November 4, 1981. I am lying in bed fast asleep, cuddled warmly under my blankets. The radio switches on, signalling that it is time for me to awaken into a brand new day. As the first faint beams of consciousness filter down into the darkness of my sleepenveloped mind, a thought suddenly occurs to me: Topper Headon is a giapt asparagus!

GODDAMN, NICKY, YOURE SO SEXUALLY AROUSING!!!

1 Cushty Mushty,

Mansfield, OH

P.S. Mick Jones is an extremely large carrot.

(Next ish: Costello, Meat Loaf linked again!—Ed.)