NEW MASTER? EDWARD VAN HALEN
Many people think Eddie Van Halen is the best guitar player in the world. This is something like being God, except that you still have to die.
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Many people think Eddie Van Halen is the best guitar player in the world. This is something like being God, except that you still have to die. Meanwhile, it’s a pretty decent deal, and good for a few bucks, too.
Is there any way we can affirm this high honor? Approaching the matter cautiously, we must ask the all-important “tangential questions,” for it is only with Zennish patience that we can tackle the alwaystricky “loudest moo problem.” For reference. we can consult The Wah-Wah Book Of The Nearly Dead, compiling a list of questions that might seem cryptic and even frivolous. This is mainly because judging guitarists is only slightly more frivolous— and always more cryptic—than drowning puppies “just because they’re there.”
Q.: Does he make noises ranging from woot to squeet while holding his instrument in the unfortunate “Imitation Of Life’’ posture ceded to guitarists in their covenant with Jehovah?
A.: Certainly. Ed is the world’s leading explorer of man’s potential to care whether or not hertz loves. Onstage, he’s done all he can to convince audiences that playing guitar is akin to curing cancer with a pick. Q.: Yeah, but did he play in the Yardbirds?
A.: Nobody played in “The Yardbirds,” who were early Masked Marauders existing solely in the imagination of rock critics trying to think and keep their blood circulating all at the same time. Like most critical favorites, these “Yardbirds” were consummate Tinker Bells on a par with the Archies.
Q.: Does he make good records, anyway? A.: No. Polyvinyl chloride, on the other hand, makes excellent records.
Q.: Did his marriage to Valerie Bertinelli make him a better guitarist?
A.: No. It sure improved her acting, though.
Q.: Is the real question “Why is Van Halen the best guitarist in the world" or “Why do so many people think Van Halen's the best guitarist in the world?"
A.: Neither. The real question is: “How can we, as finite beings, make a substantial epistemological statement about a hunk of wood?”
Q.: Well, what is his prime contribution to music?
A.: Ed’s contributions are many and varied. However, his major cultural influence has been as the world’s most erudite collector of duct tape. He often displays snips from his collection in the unconvential — but lucrative —guitar milieu. One of Ed’s great comforts in life is hearing the applause of thousands whenever he shows his prized collection onstage.
