MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

THANK YOU, FLORIDA!

OK, like, you’ve been down hard on RUSH for a while now, eh, and it’s really beginning to get to us, eh? ’Cause, like, RUSH is, like, one of the top of the groups (next to the Teen Jeans, they’re from Moscow, and our cousin Brian has their album), eh?

We got all Rush’s albums; they’re experts in their held. Like, we saw them like In Concert, on Mel’s Rock Pile, and they were really excellent. The light show was really radical to the max, eh? Well, my brother Bob wants to talk now:

Like I had a backstage pass that I bought from, like, this guy at the ticket gate, eh? I paid 50 bucks for it and it was expired! Like, did I feel like a hoser!

Also, um, our other topic is that like your magazine is like always poking fun at, like, Canada, eh? And we think, if you don’t live here,' how could you know? We bought your magazine once at a Majik Market in Dunedin (we’re here to see the Toronto Blue Jays, but, like, they’re on strike and we haven’t seen one game yet!) because it costs, like, a dollar more in Canada. You guys are really a bunch of hosers, eh? Like, where do you come from, Michigan?! It looks like a huge dog with a mitten! Where do you get off, eh?

Take off, eh?

Bob & Doug MacKenzie

On Vacation In

. Dunedin, FL U.S.A.

P.S. When we get back home to Canada we’re going to tell all our friends to take a ride to your main offices, eh, and pour Molson’s in all your glove compartments and smear your windshields with back bacon.

(Jeez, we know you can’t get Diet Dr. Pepper up in Hoserland—you really should take it easy when you’re down here ingesting our exotic saccharin-laced beverages. Send us codeine and we’ll reconsider our “outrageous” Canadian price rip-off. [Ha ha] —Ed.)

GEAR NOTE!

Your magazine is really nifty, especially all your fab pinups! You seem to get the swellest pix of all the cutest guys. There is one thing that bothers me, tho’: How come you never print articles or pin-ups on super sexy Joe Strummer? After all, he’s the most irresistible, adorable boy in rock today. Of course I love Mick, Paul, and cute Topper, too, but Joe has that something special that makes me want to take him in my arms and lean my head on his strong shoulder. When I hear him crooning “Career Opportunities” or stare at his photos into those dreamy, deep brown eyes, I can feel my heart flutter! Wouldn’t it be every girl’s dream just to run her fingers through his rich, dark locks and feel his lips in a tender, shy kiss? He’s just so dreamylooking my knees go weak just thinking about him! I’d love to nibble those cute little points at the tops of his ears.

#\ Joe fan,

Skolly

Mansfield, OH

P.S. Please print a pic of fantastic Joe with his hair ungreased!

P.P.S. Don’t you think his new teeth make him ever more darling and kissable than before?!?

(Oodles.-Ed.)

BOMBS AWAY Question: What is a crick?

Answer: The sound made by a Japanese camera!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Pork Chops & Other Uncooked Objects,

or Regards,

THE KNOWN

The Trenton Sewers

Corner of Princeton & Oldem Aves.

Trenton, NJ

KILL THAT SHEEP!

I’ve had it! U.S.’s (that’s Kiwi pronounciation) idea of the Land of Oz is bloody stupid. How many U.S.’s done it with a roo? Don’t knock it ’till you try it.

You might have eight phrases the Ocker doesn’t understand, but you’ve got more that no one understands. Take your rag of a mag for example. The only dorks forking out for it do it so they can get off on your jerking off. Know what “Wank wank, mopey in the bank” means?

Ocker Down Under

Hamilton, New Zealand

(You guys are “great. ”—Ed.)

A TRUE STORY!

J. Kordosh, in your Oct. ’81 issue, with Dave Lee Roth and Edward Van Halen on the front, wrote a great story and it just happened to be a GREAT interview and story of Van Halen.

The pictures of Van Halen were great and the quotes from Dave Lee Roth were superb. We finally have a rock band that says what it thinks and don’t give a “flying fuck” who cares. I REALLY ENJOYED IT.

I recently got to meet Dave Lee Roth in his motel room. HE MADE IT A VERY ENJOYABLE MEETING. He is really a great host. He knows what to do and how to do it right. HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE YOU SCREAM AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.

I went to their concert the same night with a guy who didn’t like what Dave Lee Roth did in the motel room and was pissed off (who cares he passed out anyway). It was a wild concert. I was stoned, everyone was stoned and it was fantastic.

I went and partied with them afterwards at the motel and let me tell you YOU HAVEN’T PARTIED UNTIL YOU HAVE PARTIED WITH VAN HALEN.

VAN HALEN’S # 1 FAN

Grottoes, VA

(Please forward all further correspondence to our lawyer^. —Ed.)

BITE WHO?

We are very serious RUSH fans, and although we have chuckled condescendingly at CREEM’S relentless mudslinging at this band (you’re just in a snit because Geddy won’t talk to you and play ball your way anymore), we sincerely hope that whoever throws the next handful of mud goes overboard enough to enable RUSH to sue the proverbial pants off you. Just like the National Enquirer—but hey! that should tickle you pink, J. Kordosh, since you have such a “great respect” for this fine example of outstanding American journalism. We personally recommend a long winter vacation in the Canadian Wilderness for you and your fellow muckrakers.

Signed:

Committee to elect By-tor and the Snow Dog to the Presidency in the year 2112.

Norfolk, VA

(Kordosh often travels to your “Windsor. ’’—Ed.)

SHAVED IN BALDWINVILLE!

To the bimbo that reads this stuff,

I am appealing to the kind editors of CREEM Magazine in hopes of gaining employment at your pulp paper publication. Although I DO read CREEM, this should in no way scar my otherwise excellent qualifications for writing in your rag.

Before you throw this plea into the dumpster in the suspicion that this letter is from a publicity mad, pleasure seeking doper of the “Me Decade,” let me assure you I have used no mind altering substances since my Copy of LED ZEPPELIN II wore out over seven years ago. To further exemplify my willingness to undergo great sacrifice, I have listened to the VANILLA FUDGE’S “Merchant: The Game Is Over” countless times without snickering even once.

Enough of the glibness. Now on to my credentials.

1. A destructive desire to pretend I like the GANG OF FOUR.

' 2. I was a leader in the movement to recruit John Lennon as Pete Ham’s replacement in Badfinger.

3. 1 DO NOT own a copy of FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE.

4. I was a member of a band that specialized in Bubble Puppy and Crazy Elephant covers.

5. My parents caught me sniffing lighter fluid while I was listening to METAL MACHINE MUSIC through headphones.

As you can see, I have all the qualities to be a top notch CREEM staffer, except that I don’t blow boogers out of my nostrils directly onto the medicine cabinet mirroi like Rick Johnson does. 1 use my fingers. (Energy-conscious Rick says to eliminate the middle man, but jeez, - not everyone has nostrils the size of a NuDisk).

Anyway, please hire me now before CIRCUS snaps me up.

Your future" employee,

Brad “the talented” Loos

Bald wins ville, NY

(There is, however, the issue of “donuts. ”—Ed.)

TATTOO WHO?

Re your Sept, issue CREEM DREEM: So what if Adam Ant doesn’t look as, uh, sinewy as you might have expected—his crotch looks GREAT! And please, god, someone tell me what his tattoo says-NUKE SEX? MIKE SEX? MORE SEX? WINE SEX? WIRE SEX? KIKE SEX? PURE SEX? WINDSOR ONTARIO?

Lisa

No There Really Absolutely Positively

Is NOT A

Kalamazoo, MI

(Actually, it says “SPANDEX”—Ed.)

THE NIGHT OF THE BLEEDING IGUANA!

RoSs Martin d. July 3, 1981'

Jim Morrison d. July 3, 1971

Is there any connection?

Bob Matonis

St. Louis, MO

P.S. We’ll miss you, Artie

P.P.S. Lizard King still lives

P.P.P.S. Is Rick Johnson related to Dr: Miguelito Loveless?

(Only certain parts of his body. —Ed.)

TOM = MOM!

You don’t know how thrilled I was to see two photos of handsome Tom Snyder in your September issue. Is there maybe a cover or poster in the future?

Thank you,

Mrs. Snyder

President of the Tom Snyder Fan Club

Milwaukee, WI

LITTLE ITALY!

I bought my Oct. issue just minutes ago at my local 7-11 (we don’t have any gooks or ragheads there, but this big Swedish lady. We call her Helga, and she can beat all of us at.Defender) and I knew there was a letter in this one. Why? Why? Why? Since Led Zeppelin doesn’t exist and/or no one gives a shit anymore, you finally quit writing about them. But why more Van Halen? Do they pay you'to put them on the cover four times a year? I don’t want to read about them, and I’m sure most of your fans are too wasted or don’t know how to read, but you drones still insist on doing gross indecencies to your readers with Van Halen. Don’t think for a minute you redeemed yourself by putting a picture of the Clash on page 14, but Joe did have a very nice t-shirt on and you did give me my monthly fix. I’m gonna try to dig out 15 bucks when my next paycheck comes so I can subscribe (ugh) and maybe you’ll print my letters, but until then could you please consider your readers that must look at the cover when we’re trying to find it on the shelf at 7-11? Van Halen’makes a great majority of your readers retch bricks. I have now been firmly convinced that Kordosh lis sinking to the sub-human depths of DiMartino.

I really tried hard to think of something nasty to say about the article on L.A. punk, but, alack, alack, I’m not into the slam scene enough to comment. A friend of mine thinks the Circle Jerks and Black Flag are the nearest things since canned beer, so you may be hearing from him shortly. Me, I like thG Dead Kennedys, and Jello is a real man! Since you didn’t print my last letter, my mafia cousins have personally notified Tiny Tim. Choke. <

Well, gang, I hope you stop making fun of Joe’s teeth soon (he spent so much money on them) or my mafia cousins may have to visit you, too. Hey! New joke time! What’s Ronald Reagan’s favorite vegetable???? Jim Brady!!!!!! Ya-Hoo.

Well, later, bozos, it’s Labor Day and I wanna, watch the geeks come out.

Yours Very Sincerely,

Punk Wop

Houston, TX

P.S. I sent Joe a birthday card, did you? (You are a sissy.^-Ed.)

ITAMISSAEST!

I was standing outside a bar, waiting for a friend, reading “America’s only R&R magazine when two guys pass me and say, “Got a dirty magazine there?” I flashed them the cover of August’s issue and replied “the dirtiest.”

Sincerely,

Jesus Christ,

Traveling America

Royal Oak, MI

(Then buy two, dummy!—Ed.)

TRENTON MOUTH

Everything is falling doy/n about my feet. First you guys turn MEAT-BRAINED and put AC/DC, JudasPriest, Journey and Van Halen, and lately Van Halen (AGAIN??) on your cover After coming out,of shock, I thought to myself, “Boy, some real dicks musta taken over CREEM Magazine, for them to do something piss-assed like this!”. The next thing y’know I hear them playing Genesis on my favorite radio station, PRB. Ha! They used to play decent stuff like the Clash, Sex Pistols, Squeeze, etc. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! They had to start playing Genesis, those gay synthesizer-heads whose songs all sound alike! Jeez, if I wanted to hear them I could put on WPST, those snot-faced top-ten-only pop music incompetent ninnys! Save me and put somebody decent on your cover! The Pretenders! English Beat! Gang of Four! SOMEBODY WHOSE SONGS CREATE BRAIN THOUGHT INSTEAD OF DEPRESS IT! IF I WANTED TO STOP THINKING I CAN WATCH THE LOVE BOAT ON ABC! PAH! Fed Up,

Annie Armalite

& Sissy Switch

Trenton, NJ

AMERICA IS WAITING...

Rick Johnson please note:

“The ^lander, of some is as good a recommendation as the praise of others.”

KING MOOSE

Arlington, VA

A DASH OF LIME

Adam Ant is not on the Banana Splits. ATOM ANT is. I should know. We do get your stupid programmes over here too.

Don’t mock the Rock, especially our Adam Ant.

Wendy Mortimer

Surrey, England

(Tell it to Benny Hill. —Ed )

MIDNIGHT URBAN If John Travolta plays Jim Morrison in an upcoming movie, does that mean the next fad will be to get hooked on junk, go to Paris and kill yourself?

Just wondering,

Miz Patti Lee

Cleveland, OH

EH?

You people really have guts. Why do you Americans insist on constantly putting down Canadians? We don’t insult Americans in our Canadian magazines. (Even though there are plenty of reasons to do so.) Canadians have contributed a great deal to the music scene with groups like Rush, Loverboy, Red Rider, Powder Blues, Prism, April Wine, Toronto, Nash the Slash, Streetheart, Chilliwack and many more.

Let me clear up a few points about Canadians and Canada.

1. We are not all Eskimos up here just as you are not all Indians d.own there.

2. You “Americans” are constantly saying how there is nothing but snow in Canada. True, there is snow here, but only in winter/spring. But at least they aren’t continual snowstorms like in the eastern area of your beloved country.

3. We do not listen to records by holding them up to our ears. Some of us can actually afford stereos.

4. If you think you have some good “Canadian” jokes, you should hear some of the “American” jokes that go around up here.

i.e. Q: How does an American take a bubble bath?

A: He sits in a mud puddle and farts.

I sent a letter before but you probably didn’t print it, because I was a lot more angrier then. I’m letting you off easy this time. Don’t get me wrong. I think CREEM is a good music magazine, just cut out the put downs. Or else we’re gonna get tough, you know, eh.

An Angry Vancouverite

Vancouver, British Columbia

CANADA

P.S. How about something on Kim Wilde? and more on Adam Ant.

P.P.S. To the young farts of the grand old 0.5. of A. Note that I didn’t have to use a single swear word. I do realize that your vocabulary is limited, but it looks and sounds really stupid.

P.P.P.S. Canadian guys are a lot better looking than those bone bags with braces and bad breath you call hunks.

(Must be those dog biscuits. — Ed.)