THE SECOND ANNUAL creem DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

THE SECOND ANNUAL creem DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

by

Rick Johnson

No Wonder The Fans Were Shouting In English

Fantasy Records discovered that their Creeaence Clearwater Revival live album, The Royal Albert Hall Concert, was actually recorded in Oakland.

Ken Russell, For One Funniest of the year: Who can forget the Townshend masterpiece Tommy?"

Next Batter: Richard Simmons Teresa Riegel on Phil Seymour: She sounds like Melanie!"

Street Phrase Of The Year Now how much would you

pay?

Take It Easy Sleazy Eagle Don Henley was busted in L.A. for possession of cocaine, pot, Quaaludes and two underage girls. Guitarist pleads hot pursuit." •

You Should Hear It On TheStove

Bob Dylan asked CBS to pull his Saved album out of the stores because he didnt like the way it sounded on the radio.

Quiz Time

Can you remember the photos that go with these captions?

• A pig is a pig, but a Plasmatic

is a meal!

• Whattya mean, no more

Ho-Hos?

• Too bad about Marshall Tito.

• Only one of these men knows

about Preparation H!

• Canadians listen to records

like this.

Not Just Dauphin Around CREEMs Filmwrecker Edouard D. Strikes Again & Again:

•The Big Red One is not the story of some American Indians pecker."

• P/an 9 From Outer Space looks like it was shot in an abortionists waiting room."

•Blood and drivel—it isnt just for breakfast anymore."

Avoiding What Subject?

•Mitchell Cohen on Roxy Music: NBC, proud as a peacock!"

•Jim Farber on Kiss: I hereby swear on a stack of Gideons that my mom is a sex education teacher."

• Billy Altman on Black Rose: Now that Love Boat is on three times a day, be sure to catch the one with Sonny Bono."

•Joe Fernbacher on Styx: J was savoring once more with the tart n tangy taste of his favorite dung heap. Mandibles clicked, a chitter echoed softly.in the night."

That's $299.95For The Autograph George Harrison released his, autobiography at the cool $300 per autographed copy.

We Are Stardust, We Wear Mukluks

Dave DiMartino rewrote the lyrics toWoodstock" for his story on th6 Canadian Punk Rock Festival:

• By the time we got to Mosport,

We were 70,000 strong,

And everywhere was the sound of noisy tape decks. And I dreamed 1 drank a Moosehead Beer,

And passed out by the Hospital Tent,

Who knows where those Quaaludes went?

Some guy threw up, smiled, And then he showed me..."

TV Sets Take Too Much Paper

Kraftwerkers deal with the tension of touring by making origami cranes.

There's Always Puppet Sho ws Folksy-weirdies the. Roche sisters were dismissed from the Smothers Brothers TV special because they werent good looking enough."

I Never Said Those Things About Billy Altman, Either Now you tell us: Raccoon of the Month Rick . Johnson ripped Great Buildings excellent debut album, Only to have it turn out to be his second favorite record after the Go-Gos.

First, The Otter Pelts •Happiness is Ontario in your rear-view mirrorC. Bandolaro

•Lou Reed is Canadas secret weapon."—M.J. Malok

• Two miles of cornfields, only

in Canada could this be a shortcut."—Dave Di

• Canada is the SECOND

BIGGEST COUNTRY IN WORLD,"—N. Correspondence

• Canada has the biggest

highest incest rate per capita of all hockey-playing countries."—O.C.

So Buy A Bigger Size Amateur singer and professional girlfriend Bebe Buell: It takes a long time to get into my pants."

At Midnight, You Turn Into Leslie West

When Black Sabbaths Tony Iommis guitar disappeared, he took out ads to warn the guilty party that the last time itwas ripped off, the crook actually brought it back after reporting the instrument was jinxed.

Kwik Kuts/Stars:

• Now I remember why Im wearing tight pants!"— PatBenatar

>Were not as goody two-shoes as you might think. On the bus in Japan, the guys were moonin, puking, defecating—theyre going number one and number two out the windows as we screamed down the highway."—Rick Nielsen

• Youre a fucking disease!"— Dave Davies to our own John Kordosh

•Were a big favorite among two-year-olds."—Kate Pierson, B-52s.

˜Ones a boxer and the other ones a hockey player and they stormed in this morning and threatened to beat us -up if we didnt stop playing. Theyre bigger than we are, so we stopped playing."—Joan Jett on her heighbors

Kwick Kuts/Readers:

• I love Grace Jones armpits.

Id love to lick them!" —the Mad Pitlicker '•Will someone please fill Bebes water dish?"—S. Girlfriend

•DESTROY THE VOMIT INDUCING . OLD FARTS FOR GOOD!"-C.Natz

• Id take Manilow and his

˜hormone problems to one of your half-crocked, vacuumbrained writers any day!"—R.P •MESSAGES FROM CANADA ARE BEING SUPRESSED!" —Anonymous

How About A Handful Of One-Way Tickets To Pittsburgh?

Tommy Shaw of Styx: The other night in Cleveland, we couldnt have got laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardons." -

The #1 Question Kids Ask Rock Writers

Which rock stars are gay?" reports Jim Farber.

Pearty Fishy if You Ask Me Rush mush-head Neal Peart handed down these Command-; ments to us sinner^:

• Paul McCartney is a

prostitute."

• Are we talking about laws, or

are we talking about morals?"

• You cant say the Stones are

good musicians."

• IM NOT A COMEDIAN!"

To No No No Him We only eat female journalists for breakfast."--:Hugh Cornwell, Stranglers

Kwick Kuts/Ed.

(from the pen of CREEMs

official lettered wag, Ed.)

•Darb letter, eh, Canuck friends?"

•If renowned rock critic God had his way, all Dodge Swingers would be incinerated." "

•They bury em that way so they can park their bikes!"

•Take the bun off a Quarter Pounder and it looks like Roger Daltrey!"

•If Rick Johnson had an ounce of class, itd be cut with borax."

Biggest Disappointment Pink Lady split up! Lady goes solo and Pink becomes a pink-rock journalist. First interview: Early" Hugh Cornwell.

The Man Can't Music Our Busts

Special Career Achievement Award to Wendy O. Williams for continuing to dress in leather Band-Aids despite police harassment. Like they say on TV, everybody wants some of that Cool Whip!

The issue Facing The Nation in The Eighties From reader Sheep In Love, NJ: Why arent there more sheep rock stars?"

The Only Loser is You Readers Clash vs. Led Zep debate spills over, as legendary fans Janie Jones (Clash) and Geddv Lee Roth (Zep) duke it out in Eleganza. The winner: Who Cares, on points.

Put 'Em Ail Together And They Spell Y-E-C-H As if the Van Halen-Bertinelli connubialization wasnt demoralizing enough, try this years items: Andy Gibb and Victoria Principal(?), Elvis C. and Bebe Buell (??), Chrissie H. and Ray Davies (???), Roy Thomas Baker and Lene Lovich (!!!), Tom Snyder and John Lydon(?!), Dave Davies and John Kordosh (TKO). Not to mention Pete Townshends CREEM Dreem: Im for nuclear power, but I havent told anyone because Im still hoping to fuck Jane Fonda."

Two More And They'll Pass Spirit

Question Mark and the Mysterians reunite for the 134th time.

Most Useless Album Of The Year

A tie between Sucking In The Seventies and all six Stiff Little Fingers LPs.

And $5 For Every Pink Floyd Album

N.Y. State Division of,Substance Abuse Services head," Julio Martinez, unveiled a plan to levy a $1 tax on each recording that suggests drug use."