MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send fetters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham. Ml 48012

NO LIE!

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY.

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY.

It was late on Saturday morning. The sound on the TV was off, and the radio was quietly blaring "Janitor" by the Suburban Lawns.

I was lazily looking through a stack of albums, when I heard a knock at the door. I glanced around the room, and saw that no one was there. So I answered the door. It was my brother's friend, Bill.

"Is John here?" he asked.

I asked him in and yelled for my brother. I returned to my albums. Just as I selected a Nina Hagen album, Bill said: "That's the ugliest chick I've ever seen in my life."

"Huh," I said, looking up at him.

He pointed at the TV.

"THAT'S NOT A CHICK," I laughed. "THAT'S GEDDY LEE!"

A Punk In Surfland

Huntington Beach, CA

P.S. Now will you cut your hair, Geddy?

STRETCH *N' SEW!

I just bought your September issue at my local newsstand. I thought I'd give your magazine a try. I can see why.you're called America's Only R&R Magazine. Only one thing: what the hell's this Partridge Family bullshit, and who the hell is this Rick Johnson character anyway? Doesn't he have anything better to do but watch The Partridge Family? It seems to me he'd be better off writing captions for kiddie coloring books!

I think I'll keep buying your mag in the future as long as you don't turn into "America's Only Rock 'n' Roll Coloring Book"!

Sincerely,

Smitty

The big town of Weidman, MI (You sound like an interesting guy, Smitty. -Ed.)

YOW!

I can't believe how STUPID you dummies are. You make the guys in Journey look like a bunch of fools from San Francisco! I mean, who cares if Steve Perry has a lady behind him in the bathroom! Who cares if some sumo wrestler pisses in the corner! Who cares about Don Adams' granddaughter! Who cares about Billy Squier! It was supposed to be a Journey interview, man. And that what's-his-face who did the interview can do me a big favor. GO TO HELL! .

Hots for Journey (and Neal Schon)

Chrissie "Animal" McAllister

San Brano, CA

P.S. Got anything else today, Hotshit?

(Well, there is this picture of your mom. —Ed.)

STEP ON IT!

Thank you for the CREEM Dreem in the Sept. 1981 issue, featuring Adam Ant. He puts all you guys to shame. He is a real man. Not like some of you guys who think you're men. And I want to tell you all that one day this world will be ruled by Antpeople. That's right all you Black Flag fans, ANTPEOPLE!!! So be prepared! And don't try to stop us, because there's nothing you can do.

Antpeople in (We're hitting Burbaqk next)

Los Angeles, CA

(Perhaps we can all fall asleep simultaneously. — Ed.)

AVERAGE CREEM LETTER"

Hey, right oh for that Judas Priest interview. Your writers have some taste in music. I saw Judas Priest and they kicked ass. f have only one complaint, and that's against punk rock. I don't know why you even print letters from those weird fuckers. Have you ever been to one of those concerts? A bunch of assholes jumping up and down dressed like mongoloid goons.

Their music is a laugh. All-the assholes that couldn't make it in rock lower themselves to punk rock. I'm in a band and I think I can smoke any punk rocker on my guitar with one string on it. As far as punk rock and new wave fans are .concerned, I don't give a rat's fat ass what you think of me putting down your noise because I got all the rockers on my side. Long live real music, Rock 'n' Roll.

Joe Ross Hayward, CA

P.S. Your magazine rules and punk rock sucks!

(Perhaps you're right. —Ed.)

CHEESE AND QUACKERS!

You damn fools at your (so called) rock magazine probably just pick up anyone off the streets to write an article, don't you? Dave DiMartino's article on Journey sucked!! People pick up your magazine to read good interviews and articles about rock personalities. What do they get? They get shit that looks like it was written by a goddamn two-year-old. A few of the short interviews were OK, but not good enough!! If your magazine prints any more articles by crappy writers, I will still buy CREEM for toilet paper. As for the comment "Steve Perry sings like a duck." Ha! I'd like to hear Dave DiMartino sing. Journey and Queen are the best groups and the idiots on your staff insult them the most. CREEM SUCKS!!

A Journey Fan Selah, WA

P.S. How can you be a rock magazine w.hen you review Boxcar Willie?

P.S.S. Rick Johnson sucks P.P.S.S. I know you won't print this because you people know that too many people agree with me. . •

P.P.S.S.S. Your Heavy Metal mag sucked!!! P.P.P.S.S.S.S. Journey Forever!!

(Darn you.—Ed.)

THINK; THEREFORE, AM

Lene Lovich is God.

Lene Lovich is Satan.

God and Satan are the embodiments of good and evil. Everything is good or evil. Thus we may assume Lene Lovich is everything.

God help us!

She will.

Divinely,

An Alabama Addict of the Absolute Lovich Birmingham, AL

TRUESTORY

There are these two guys. One's an Italian, the other's Rick Johnson. One day they were at the beach and Rick Johnson couldn't figure out why all the girls were flocked around the Italian and they didn*t even look at him.

So after the beach Rick Johnson asked the Italian why all the girls were attracted to him. The Italian told Rick Johnson he had an idea. So they went to the store and bought a potato.

"Here," said the Italian, ''stick this down your swimrriing 'trunks and I guarantee the girls will notice you." If

So the next day at the beach, Rick Johnson did what the Italian told him. But this time Rick Johnson had the worst luck, ever.

After the beach, Rick Johnson told the Italian: "This time the girls not only ignored me, they actually ran away."

"Well," said the Italian, "it might help next time if you stick the potato down the front of your trunks!"

Carla James (not my real name)

St. Paul, MN (formerly of North Branch)

P.S. MUCH HOOPLA to Rick Johnson's article (???) on AC/DC. (Shakes head in bewilderment.)

(Orders pasta later.—Ed.)

SHLOCK FOR IMBECILES!

My apologies to the CREEM staff. In the past, it had crossed my mind (in a fleeting second or two of madness) that maybe my fave schlock mag was written by morons for imbeciles. But after taking a look at the shit that is stuck between the covers of other alleged rock 'n' roll publications, I realized how sorely mistaken I was. CREEM has the greatest pix, most engaging articles and funny as hellest captions I've ever come across. Anyone who knocks Rick Johnson or J. Kordosh fo'r putting a little humor into their work has obviously not read anything other than cereal box panels. So quite already with the Johnson jokes or other complainst regarding this maf that bills itself true to form. If you don't like it, then read something you'll probably enjoy, like Daytime Soap Opera Stars, or something equally shitty and nonsensical. CREEM doesn't need you and I sure as hell don't.

Sincerely yours,

A Future Disco Jockey on WFLY-FM,

the greatest station in.the Northeast

Schenectady, NY

P.S. When are we gonna get a staff photo?

P.P.S. Richard Riegel and J. Kordosh are obviously family men, and Dave DiMartino is the only one that comes close to being a creep.

P.P.P.S. Did Mark J. Norton die or something?

P.P.P.P.S. Just because 1 ve given you a good review doesn't mean you can hike the price of your product.

(I] When you're willing to pay for it. 2] You're quite right. 3] Ditto. 4] Hmmm. —Ed.)

KINDA KAOPECTATE There's a little Van Halen in everyone? No wonder I have diarrhea.

Lovingly yours,

Jenny Of San Francisco

P.S. If you think Van Halen sounds good, that's just because everything they do is stolen from Deep Purple.

P.P.S. 1 want a nude centerfold of David Coverdale!! (I'm a subscriber; I got my rights!!) (And we got your money. —Ed.)

LOU GRANT'

A modern-day newsman Mean, mean stride Today's Lou Grant ' Mean, mean pride

Though his rooms are not for rent And his money's all been spent He drinks; a quiet defense Ignoring all the day's events —the newscast

What you say about his newspaper

Is what you say about Morley Safer

Catch the ball—throw it back

Then catqh hell—a heart attack

The World is—the world is

On our front pages

Maybe 'cause it makes a buck

Today's Lou Grant

He gets drunk on you

And the bars he invades

He throws up by, too

No, his house is not for rent

To any future President

Never shows it, but he's tense

He knows that drunk is not permanent...

But death is

And what you say about his newsroom job

Is what you say about your Uncle Bob

Catch the wind—catch the storm

But don't ya get stung by the swarm

The world is—the world is

Second to the domestic

'Cause a drink is all he needs

Exit the newsman

Today's Lou Grant

He gets drunk on you

And the drinks that he craves

Helps him avoid the friction of the day.

Peter Smith Texhoma, OK (Excellent point. — Ed.)

VALID (INVALID)

I am writing this letter to inform you of a fact that you are all obviously unaware of. We, the readers, do not buy music magazines to read the egotistical rantings of sarcastic writers. No, we buy them to gain insight into the intricacies of the music industry; the new releases, the stars and unknowns, the instruments, all those things that identify the way things are musically. The volume of articles written with the apparent belief that the writers and musicians are equally important makes me wonder why you don't have some musicians write some articles about the wonderful writers.

This pompous style of "creative" journalism is exactly why Rolling Stone isn't worth a fuck, and why I rarely buy CREEM—I just read it while , at thf> 7-11. (It only takes a second to readmit you leave out all the unnecessary shit.) Sincerely yours,

A.D. Jones

' Fredericksburg, VA (You should read the letters. Ed.)

SUMMER SAUSAGE I saw Van Halen in concert this July and was wondering if you can do me a favor. Why don't you end all this crap about whether David Lee Roth stuffs his crbtch or not by putting in your magazines a full page, full color, head to toe picture of him stripped. That should end the bullshit one way or the other. I know David Lee Roth could have the guts to pose for the picture but I don't think your magazine has the guts to print it. Give it a shot, you don't want to be calle'd egg-layers for the rest of your lives, do you? Jay Frederick Philadelphia, PA

(Your reasoning is impeccable. —Ed.)

INGER SAPPHIRE!

Hello CREEM Magazine!

I m a Swedish girl who likes to write letter to people in other countris. And I heard that you're magazine got a column for advertise penfriends. 1 s ou d be very glad if you put my advertisement in youre magazine. This is my advertisement: a 16 years old Swedish girl who wants

penfriends from all over the world. Boy or girl oesn t matter. You should be between 15-19 v arsoid. My intressting are many. For example: letterP^'Card collecting, traveling, sports and vou 'uWr\6 courseWrite on English please, if

you want to write to me

Lena Sundin Karlstad, Sweden

nd I thank youre magazine very much if

you want to put this advertisement in youre magazine. Thanks!

FAIR QUESTION!!

Please answer this, HOW THE HELL CAN THE PLASMATICS BLOW UP A CAT ON STAGE????????????????????????????????????

(P. 69, Sept. '81)

a. confused Plasmatics fan,

Andra Dalto

Pompano, FL

(Aks OrU Porofraedesr. — Ed.)

YAWN AND INNOCENT!

Hey, I'm from Jersey (applaud as you will) and thanks to a new bill currently in the Jersey Senate, me (Devo is my alias) and the Smart Patrol (assorted mutants exercising their freedom of choice) are pleased to announce that "Too Drunk To Fuck" will soon be the New Jersey state song representing its youth. It will be sung by Debbie Harry in the nude on an upcoming Don Kirschner show with slides of various toxic waste dumps on a screen in back, while members of the Uncle Fester-Sid Vicious Fan Club (of which I am also a member) hang and burn dummies made to loqk like Bruce Springsteen, Barry Manilow and others who stand in the way of the immoral, psychotic and chaotic society which we hope to expose the world outside of New Jersey to. Wish us luck.

Marry Me, Wendy O.

Patterson, NJ

P.S. All psychotic, immoral and chaotic punks and modes, please come to New Jersey and join us. Oh, you're already there.

P.P.S. All stand for the corporate anthem.

P.P.P.S. This ain't no fooling around!

(Ummm.. .can I go home now?—Ed.)

OPEN LETTER!

I rilly like groups like Deep Purple, Bad Company, Jimmy Hendrix, Foghat, Cream, the Guess Who, and the Beatles. My favorite singer is John Lennon. My favorite fav guitarist is Brian Jones. My fav drummer is a tie between John Bonham and Keith Moon. I wood rilly like to see my favorite grups but everytime I ask sumone. when they are playing? they laugh at me! How cum?

Sincerely,

Oscar Pud

Detroit, MI

(Probably because you canrt spell. — Ed.)

QN INDEPENDENTS

Kordosh,

There are certain individuals in this world who revel in slighting and undermining the effort of a group based on an attitude toward obscurity.

Speaking only for myself, I know that I've done the best and worked my fucking ass off to see that artists like Sector 27, Dead Kennedys, Wall Of Voodoo, and the Go-Go's saw the light of day and more. And I'm proud of the work I've done, because those artists were and are worth it.

For you to slight the label by a) resigning it to the "telephone directory" of your article on independent labels and b)insulting those of us who make the label what it is by citing The Howard Bloom Organization as the ersatz I.R.S. is indicative of your incredibly limited perspective, your narrowmindedness, your obvious desire to appear "hip," and your plain dumb attitude.

The Go-Go's album, Beauty And The Beat, is steadily climbing the charts, already having made Top 40 in Record World. The album debuted at #41 in Rolling Stone's chart. None of your showcased or spotlighted independents have had that kind of success. And don't hand me that crap about, "Yeah, but I.R.S. is just a subsidiary of A&M." We're just as independent as Slash, Bomp, Rhino, or any others. A&M usually looks the other way when one of our records comes out, and rightfully so, because why should they be expected to kick ass for our stuff when they've got their own to work on? Get me?

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 12

Just make sure you stay hip, Kordosh, because that seems to be the only self-induced fantasy you'll be able to maintain for very long.

Sick of having to explain it,

Michael Grant

National Director of Publicity

I.R.S. Records

(J. Kordosh replies: "Yeah, but I.R.S. is just a subsidiary of A&M.") ^