MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

FAVE LETTER!

In response to/retaliation for Rick Johnson’s horrendous drivel on AC/DC, I am proud to present Rick Johnson’s Book Of Lists:

Seven Things of Greater or Equal Importance Than Rick Johnson

1. The price per kilo of worm vomit in Afghanistan.

2. The new Donny and Marie album.

3. Why there’s always room for Jell-O.

4. a2 +b2 =C2

5. Anything The National Enquirer says.

6. Canada.

7. Slim Whitman.

Five Things of Greater Impotence (no typo) Than Rick Johnson

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

The Three Most Popular “Real Meanings” of Rick Johnson

1. Dysentery.

2. “Not in here!!! The bathroom’s down the hall!!”

3. A Canadian slang term for knowing as much about music as Howard Cosell knows about sports.

Things That Number Less Than the Amount of Times Rick Johson Got the Title “Back In Black" Wrong

1. The amount of times Rick Johnson’s articles have shown what a total shit he is.

2. Rick Nielsen’s guitar collection.

3. Mickey Rooney’s ex-wives.

4. The number of copies that The Wall and Glass House sold combined.

Five Juicy Rumors About Rick Johnson

1. Once, a few years ago, he actually knew something before he wrote about it.

2. Rick Johnson’s fingerprints were found all over Elton John’s thighs.

3. He actually bought 42,316 copies of CREEM, filled out the readers poll with his own name, and got himself elected critic of the year.

4. “Big Balls” was not written about Rick Johnson.

5. He knows first hand whether or not Freddie Mercury is.'

Your friend,

Wayne Elizabeth, NJ

MORE INSULIN!

Rick Johnson’s “Guide To Rock Fans” was OK, but I prefer his record reviews where his similes and creative adjectives are kept to a reasonable level.

After the first few bands, it was obvious that Rick was just being nasty to annoy people. It’s more fun when Rick’s nasty because he hates a band’s FUCKING GUTS!

Oh yeah. I hear Rick has real long hair. He’s still my idol, though.

Get Happy!

Sid Fictitious

St. Louis, MO

(Wait’ll you meet Lassie!—Ed.)

IS IT SAFE YET?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! Joe Strummer got his teeth fixed!!

Libby From t

No Place Worth Mentioning, CA

BEACON STREET REUNION!

Way back in your May 1976 issue, a certain Andy Anaheim of San Jose (CA, no doubt), despairing of the stagnant inertia predominant in that era, desperately proclaimed at the end of his letter: “Puh-leeeeeze, mister; bring back 1966!”

Well, consider;

Joe “King” Carrasco making it big by copping riffs from Bobby Fuller, Sir Doug, and ?’s MySterians. The real Sir Doug “comes back” with the original “She’s About A Moron” sound (cheesy Farfisa org., same type Blondie and Elvis C. dragged out of the mothballs). Carrasco, Garland Jeffries, and the Dickies (?) all with covers of “96 Tears” (if Rudy Martinez hasn’t gotten the hint yet...). The Inmates covering the Standells’ “Dirty Watei;.” Roky “Whaddaya Mean Ya Didn’t Miss Me?” Erickson on the comeback trail, the same trail that the Troggs are on again^-still. A big re-interest in Doors music. Dave DiMartino trying to resurrect Love (the group, not the emotion). The Psychedelic Furs. Echo and the Bunnymeh. The Teardrop Explodes. (Dumb monikers, all.) And according to the May Rock-a-rama, there’s now a Syd Barrett revival under way (in the UK at least). But, ooops! that means that we’ve slopped over in 1967! (then what? Donovan worming his way out of the paisley plywood?) And to top it all off—only a week or so ago, some 17-year-old kid in a nearby town was busted for selling about $5,000 worth of LSD!!

So, Andy Anaheim, if you’re still out there reading CREEM: Well, buddy, ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW, HUH, WELL ARE YA, HUH, WELL, HUH???!!!

Timothy L^ary

On a bad STP trip (gee, didn’t know they^sold it in cans now!) Currently somewhere over the Poconos

Greensburg, PA

(Next ish: the truth about Ultimate Spinach!!— Ed.)

JUDGE TO RUSHMEANT!

Dear Mr. Kordosh:

That Rush article was excellent. Maybe you’ll get lucky and next time no one from the “band” will talk to you.

Sincerely,

Lisa Hufcut

Middletown, NY

HEART BEAT, PIG MEAT!

Ann and Nancy Wilson are the only people who matter. They control our destinies and we, because we are the blind, can only follow and trust in those good and wondrous ones who taught us the meaning of it all. Repent all past wrongs and join us, for we are the disciples of the Church of the.Mistral Wind/Follow the ways of the dog and butterfly and you shall find the true meaping of life, for the barracuda shall lead you not astray, but,on to better lands only the soul of the sea can dare to enter. Be one of us. Through only the rumbling of the sacred silver wheels can you be saved.

You are the moon in my sun, the Pilot

Steubenville, OH

(Contact Hallmark for your new job writing greeting cards.—Ed.)

EIGHT TRACK FUN!

In ’79, I managed to see a car pull up to the New York Palladium and empty Paul Simonon. It was in the afternoon and I was alone around the Palladium, stoned and ready for the concert. I had, tucked in my leather jacket, an eight track of the Clash! I whipped out a pen and ran up to Paul. I asked him to sign my tape. He wrote quote: “Good luck, mate! Paul Simonon.” Then he tucked a $1.00 bass pick in my jacket pocket, slapped my shoulder, and shook my hand.

I haven’t missed a song the Clash has put out since then!

Signed,

A Fan In Garageland

San Diego, jCA

P.S. Thanks for coverage on.the Clash. P.P.S. Put punks on the cover next month! P.P.S. Also have a staff picture!

(Please see the Sept. 78 National Geographic. — Ed.)

ABSINTHE MAKES THE HEART, ETC...

Dear “The Dauph” (?),

How do you know about the dog races in Bonita Springs? Did you feel local residents could let that remark escape them?

I have escaped from Muddy Madison Heights, Michigan. Are we now being invaded by CREEMsters? Haven’t we suffered enough? Look—my favorite all-time movie is Driller Killer. Please don’t write anything more about this area. Some things are sacred, you know.

A Fan

Naples, FL

(Ask any cow. —Ed.)

CLYDE BEATTY KNOWS!

P.T. Barnum said as he watched the lollipop salesman’s expanding inventory, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

If the latest Billboard stats are to be believed, there’s a copy of Hi-Infidelity sold every minute. See the connection?

Yours in Springsteen,

Jack Howard Lechner a.k.a. Peter Tork Ramada Equisitioner, The First Church of Carl Sagan Arlington, VA

P.S. When I told my friend John that I read CREEM, he asked, “Is that anything like reading tea leaves?”

P.P.S. There is no god, but Allah (and Mohammed) is his profit.

P.P.S.S. Think Carl. (Sagan, not Perkins!) (Or Wilson!)

(Jungster. —Ed.)

OLA, PEPE!

HEY!!! YOU!!! SUCKERS!!!

TOO MUCH ABOUT CANADA!

TOO MUCH ABOUT CLASH vs. LED ZEP! TOO MUCH ABOUT VAN HALEN WHAT ABOUT MEXICO'.'.'. EHHHHHH!!!!

WE EXIST!!!!

DIDN’T YOU NOTICE? EHHH! SUCKER^! LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING?

HOW DO YOU MOVE YOUR FUCKING CARS?

WITH MEXICAN PETROLEUM, OF COURSE...

SO, WOULDN’T IT BE NICE OF YOU IF YOU GIVE A GREAT COVERAGE OF THE POLICE CONCERT HERE IN MEXICO CITY? EHHHHHH!!!!!!

IF THE BEST ROCK ’N’ ROLL, NEW WAVE, PUNK GROUP OF THE WORLD COMES HERE, ITMUST BE A REASON, ISN’T THAT RIGHT???

ASK THEM? DIDN’T THEY LIKE IT??

A FORGOTTEN FAN OF ROCK AND ROLL WERNER BERMUDEZ KRAUSS MEXICO CITY, MEXICO P.S. BY THE WAY I HAVEN’T SEEN IN THE MAIL DEPARTMENT A LETTER BY A MEXICAN, HOW ABOUT BEGINNING WITH THIS.

P.P.S. WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE BABYS???

P.P.P.S. DEVO, PRETENDERS, PLASMATICS, ROCKPILE, POLICE, CARS, BOOMTOWN RATS. CLASH? WELL, THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC!!!!

(Jai Alai is “immensely emjoyable.”—Ed.)

KEEBLER COOKIE CONCEPT!

Help Me!

When are you guys gonna get Dave Edmunds to strip for a CREEM DREEM?

Craving Dave in

Berkley, MI s'

(Dave ‘‘won’t accept trades.’’—Ed.)

HERE COMES THE NEU!

I seek an answer to one of the Riddles of the Ages (Mark and Phil, the Ages twins who live next door): If Amanda Lear is the “real Nico,” as she claimed several years ago, and then she became a Euro-disco queen, and then got pregnant yet... does this mean that Nico is the real Kraftwerk?

A Confused Medical Student Hoping To Specialize In Transsexual Operations,

But Now Considering Electrical Engineering As An Alternative

Jorgensburg (right next to Osterberg), PA (The real Kraftwerk is macaroni & cheese. —Ed.)

IF I COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS...

I don’t see why everyone is down on Rick Johnson. His articles have more chuckles per inch than fust about anything else in thg world, and the only other reasons to buy your magazine are an occasional WHO interview and your witty remarks in the letter section.

A CREEM Subscriber (No Shit)

New Orleans, LA

P.S. C’mon. Hit me with your wit. I want to see how I’ve left myself open.

(Ypu’re halfway there. —Ed.)

R2U2?

Like what matters is U2—Boy. Robert Christgau’s review of the album (Christgau Consumer Guide, June) was just so teentalos... teintilos...teentillis...Goddammit, how do you say that fucking word? God, how aggravating!! Christgau, go wipe with Webster’s, then go suck a dart...!

As for me, I love U2.-I can say Boy Howdy! Rich Lee

St. Petersburg, FL

P.S. So don’t check it out. After all, Christgau says he prefers to listen and not dance and I BET he can’t.

P.P.S. Tell J. Kordosh there’s no reason for him to be a frustrated writer. He knows how to flick his Bic.

(With three kids, what do you expect?—Ed.)

SECOND P.T. BARNUM REFERENCE!

I think the July issue of CREEM sucked unmentionables. There I was standing in the magazine store, like an idiot, staring at the picture of Angus Young on your cover. 1 couldn’t believe it. I thought “Oh wow, they’ve finally done an article on AC/DC with pictures and everything.” After I bought it, I thought I was going to read something interesting. When I saw who had written the article, I realized I was terribly wrong. God, was I ever wrong! It was horrible!

I mean, even 1 (a faithful AC/DC fan) know the reason Angus Young moves around like an idiot on stage: he’s choking on Koala Bear meat.

(I mean it with all due respect.) But you don’t have to rub it in that he’s an idiot. (A cute idiot at that who happens to play an excellent electric guitar.) All this time I thought, “Well, at least CREEM should be able to do a half-way decent article orr my favorite rock ’n’ roll band.” (GGGoddd, wwwasss I wwrronngg) Okay, so maybe there is somethin’ wrong with Phil Rudd (maybe he’s had a frontal lobotomy or something) but who cares? He’s still a great drummer, (stupid or not)

I’d like to know, if Rick Johnson doesn’t think AC/DC is the ^greatest band in the world, who does he think IS the greatest?

Ingrid (Yes, I’m still mad at you, Jamie) Pettus

Brooklyn, NY

P.S. Long live Angus Young. The World’s Second Greatest Heavy Metal Guitar Hero.

P.P.S. Eddie Van Halen’s the first.

P.P.P.S. Everytime I think of Jimmy Page I wanna jump up and down and recite a litany I made up all by myself, “I wanna kiss the devil’s feet.”

P.P.P.P.S. I love Rick Johnson as much as the next person. (Which ain’t sayin’ much.) (With all due respect, of course.)

(Rick Johhson thinks Freddie Mercury is “the greatest.”—Ed.)

HOLES IN ONE!

What the hell’s this business with the donuts? Ya mentioned ’em twice in yer July issue—on pages 10 & 43. Now I just wanna know since when have donuts deserved such a bad rap?? Last month it was Chunkies youse was pickin’ on! What’re ya? Health-nut fiends? Well, if that’s the case, get this: TOOTSIE ROLLS HURT!!!!!!!

Yo mama,

Leonard Moon

Nursin’ a 30c, cup o coffee

DUNKIN’ DONUTS

Trenton, NJ

(No truth to Bavarian CREEM rumors. —Ed.)

ALLSTATE VS. LED ZEP!

Like young Will Robinson, I am lost in space as to why you fail to give adequate coverage to that oft overlooked cultural pairing, Insurance and Rock ’n’ Roll. The concept of indemnity goes together with music like Diet and Rite, like Bob and Barker, like Rasta and Farian.

The atonal modulations of exclusionary language, the rhythmic ambience of named perils, the sphinctoid concommittance of risk management...all offer a dearth of subject possibilities and I encourage you to explore the potential of a monthly column featuring something like “Policies Of The Stars” or “Rewriting Those Reggae Renewals.”

Those of us In The Know have been aware of a growing segment of performers subliminally promoting this concept for some time. Witnesseth the Ramones, “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow,” the Clash, “Lightning Strikes (Not Once But Twice),’’ Gang Of Four, “Contract,” and Ian McLagan, “Casualty.”

TURN TO PAGE 72

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Mitigate your losses and get with the schedule of benefits available. Peggy Lipton and Link of the Quad Squad have pledged their undyingyang support to this body of thought, as have Mr. Douglas, Mr. Kimball, Sam Drucker and the Monroe Bros. The train is leaving, CREEM, climb aboard.

Yiggety, yiggety, yiggety,,

Mr. Fuentes Sacajawea

' Great Falls, MT

P.S. Before the colostomy 1 lived in Marin. I’m OK now.

P.P.S. More photo layouts featuring women and pneumatic tools. i -(Later this articulate reader would think of “possible names'' for Talking Heads albums.— Ed.)

HUMHO!

I was CREEMated on my Black Sabbath when the Stooges, Who Clashed with the Judas Priest saw Girl and the Godz of Rainbow Rising throw Rolling Stones at Silverhead, Who, Yes, being 16 and Savaged ate Plasmatics.

After my death in the Suburbs I joined the Blue Oyster Cult and watched Radios Appear on Television. 1 saw Starz when King Crimson rocked the nation with Teenage Radiation. In the Light Talking Heads were mute and Sex Pistols were Queen. It was a Rush!

On my next Journey 1 won’t get fooled agaiin. Long Live Rock,

Jill Thrill Kinsley ‘Out of Place on Earth Milwaukee, WI P.S. I killed the King.

(Perhaps you merely/ bored him. -±Ed.)

JOHN’S HURT!

I just met Iggy Pop’s sister.

Is there such a thing as “the Elephant woman”? Wondering,

Junior G.P.

Yardsville, NJ

(the Ann Arbor of New Jersey!)

DOWN IN THE LAUNDROMAT!

Why is it I don’t remember anything about Rory Gallagher for quite some time now? Doesn’t he have a publicist? Or has he been sick? Or worse than that, has he gotten married and decided to settle down? 1 Still get depressed when I think about having missed his show in East Lansing five years ago. Shit. At this rate, I’ll never get to see him.

Despondently,

E. Davison Columbus, OH

P.S. In less lucid moments, I have been know to. admit to subscribing to this publication, but that’s because I simply couldn’t deal with buying it in a store. I mean realty, some of those covers... (Rory Gallagher still exists. Does East Lansing?— Ed.)