The Secret History of Queen

The Secret History of Queen

Rick Johnson

TIME CAPSULE OR HAZARDOUS WASTES?

1968—Freddie Mercury meets Brian May and Roger Taylor (then members of the group Smile) in Art School. Brian first heard to say “Freddie! Not in front of company!"

1970—Smile splits up after releasing one single (“Earth”). Brian asks Freddie if he wants to start a new band. “Do octopi have suckers?” Fred replies.

1971—“Lucky” seventh bass player, John Deacon, joins up. Excitement level reaches *4. Bullet Maintenance.

1972—Queen meets Roy Thomas Baker, who, along with John Anthony; produces demos for the band that help them land a contract with EMI. Anthony later pleads “diminished responsibility.”

1973—Debut album proves to be as popular as minimizing civilian casualties. “Around the rime and out,”* sez CREEM.

1974—Queen II released. You remember, the one with the black side and the white side that’re both on the wrong side? “Soft core pomp,” sez CREEM.

—Queen supports Mott the Hoople at New York’s Uris Theatre as the first rock bands to play Broadway.

—Brian May’s annual attack of hepatitis forces early cancellation. Although his guitar style is considered rather treacly at this point, you know what they say—good kelp is so hard to find.

—Q II voted album of the year in Japan. The prize: front row seats at the creation of Pink Lady. “Carv I lick the spoon?” asks Freddie.

—Sheer Heart Attack recorded for 25,000 pounds sterling (about $1.79 in U.S. funds).

—“Killer Queen” is an international smasharoo. Joe Fernbacher thinks “orgone bleats” for first time.

1975—Night At The Opera released. “Poignancy at its cutest,” sez CREEM. —“Bohemian Rhapsody” squats at the top of the U.K. charts for seven weeks. Migration officials begin working overtime. —New Musical Express readers pick Queen as “Best Stage Band” and “Bohemian Rhapsody” as “Best Single.” But the group itself remains the #2 band after Led Zep. This is about as big a deal as being the second most beloved woman in Argentina. —More awards from NME: First Annual Jobriath Memorial Award for being “last band to make it off the glam-rock bandwagon.” First Annual Freddie Mercury I’veGot-A-Tiger-In-My-Trousers Award goes to Jim Dandy!

—Sept. CREEM DREEM appearance temporarily appeases the sun-suit set.

1976—“This year, I can at least sit up!” boasts Freddie.

—Group cans previous management and signs on with Elton John’s manager, John Reid. “So what?” say many.

—At promo bash for the group, Bette Midler punches out then-Mr. Big of radio programming, Paul Drew, for reputedly saying her record is “as quaint an idea as researching an article.#

—New Of The World unleashes “We Are The Champions/We Will Rock You” on unsuspecting public. Snuffbrats everywhere rejoice, but CREEM insists that “Queen is the Sha Na Na of rock’s modem age.”

—Joe Zdeb bats.297.

—Study shows that one out of every two American families has at least one member who suffers from motion sickness.

1978—Jazz LP becomes most ignored effort by major act since Tanya Tucker’s attempted suicide. “A parody of their own uselessness,” se? CREEM.

—Joe Zdeb’s batting avg. slips to .252.

—“Today the pond, tomorrow the world!” promo for the movie Frogs becomes Queen fans’ battle cry.

1979—Live Killers released, including controversial pre-taped version of “Boho Rhapsody.” “A typically uncompromising move,” sez the liner notes. “Oh, what a first!”as they say in the new biodegradable tampon ads.

—“Makes you feel like someone is peeing on your grave,” sez CREEM.

—Public response to purchasing a live album that features tapes from previous LPs? Well, if words could deep-fry, Queen would now be a pile of onion rings.

1980—The Game is group’s best-selling album yet. Looks like Merc and the boys have their heels on the pulse of the nation. “Gutless and artificial,” sez CREEM.

—“Another One Bites The Dust” reaches ridiculous heights of popularity for a song that sounds like Trigger counting to six.

—Detroit Lions adopt “Dust” as theme song and promptly lose five games in a row.

1981—Flash Gordon soundtrack released; becomes biggest selling soundtrack album with a yellow cover in first fiscal quarter of ’81. “If Freddie Mercury is ever in a movie,” CREEM meant to say, “the female lead will be Jamie Lee Curtis.”

THE NINE JUICIEST RUMORS

ABOUT QUEEN

1. Brian to leave and join Sparks?

2. Before settling on Queen, other names considered included Princess Phones, The Thinkophants, Genotype Cointoss and The John Deacon Experience.

3. Brian to leave and join Kool and the Gang?

4. It was Freddie that tossed the cherry bomb which almost blinded Steven Tyler.

5. Billie Jean King and Freddie boy an item? Wait’ll he finds out what a strong backhand really is.

6. Brian to leave and join Doobie Bros.?

7. Almost 17 years ago, young Frederico’s dentist forgot to tell him to rinse and he still hasn’t!

8. John Deacon is dead.

9. John Deacon isn’t dead.

QUEEN VS. SLIM WHITMAN “Bohemian Rhapsody” ’s streak of seven weeks at number one is the second longest in British chart history. The champ: American folk hero Slim Whitman, who topped the charts for eleven weeks in 1955.

“Will they be on Hee Haw too?” asks Slim.

INSPIRATIONAL VERSE “I suck your mind, you blow my head”

DID YOU KNOW...

’Freddie calls everyone “Dear.”

*A can of 2,000 flushes only lasts John three days.

’The band retains a year-around crew whether they’re touring or not, including the guy who hands John a triangle for one note.

’The chief influence on their Flash Gordon movie music was Zither and Zaza’s monumental soundtrack for Prom Night. ’Groucho Marx was given a complimentary Queen //jacket shortly before his death. ’Freddie is a ping-pong champion and hockey expert.

’After the U.S. and Japan, their biggest market is Australia.

’Brian was an astronomer for four years. ’The prize they really received for their Japanese Album of the Year Award was a wooden comb. Well, at least it wasn’t a teriyaki burger.

* Roger takes forty vitamins a day. ’Masquerading as Larry Lurex, Queen had a British chartbuster with a remake of the golden oldie “I Can Hear Music.”

’John Deacon is dead.

’The front of a 1952 Buick looks just like Lon Chaney.

’Japanese fans write the boys letters about the “world situation.” “Situation?”—BM “World?”—JD

PIGSQUEAL ZOOTING?

Some Words On Queen In Concert: ’“The nasty Queenies are back!”—Freddie kicks off second or third U. S. tour.

*“I got chills...hasn’t been anything like it since the Beatles...no one has ever really done ‘Jailhouse Rock’ like they did.”—C. Dagnall, CREEM.

’“Lusty beavers...pigsqueal zooting.”— anon. CREEM.

* “Stunning.. .they have a sense of Showbiz humor that saves their songs...” L. Robinson, NME.

’“OLD HAT...AMATEUR...NO BIG DEAL...TOO COY...PUNCHLESS... STIFFLY POSED FOOLS...DEMANDING.”K. Nicholson, CREEM ’Let’s face it, Freddie has got more and more preposterous onstage. ”—Roger.

’“An impossible combination, like singles charts and scimitars.”—J. Mori, Hit Parader.

’“Whether they deserve this acclaim is, of course, a different matter entirely.”—T. Stewart, NME.

’“Totally hopeless...not unlike a Kiss concert.” L. Danna, Trouser Press.

’“That’s the horrible thing about running away—you always meet yourself when you get there.”—Scientist in The Leech Woman.

* “Excellent background music for looking over wallpaper samples or just plain becoming a sissy.”—R. Coathanger, CREEM

* “Tune the fucking guitar!”—many.

CRIMP ME, YOU FOOL!

“I was struck by how Freddie, along with Carly Simon, Joni Mitchell and quite possibly Mick Jagger, was another candidate for my special Overbite Issue of Hit Parader. ”

—Lisa R’s first impression of “Choppers” Mercury

THE REAL STORY BEHIND MK1LLER QUEEN”

“It’s about a high class call girl. I’m trying to say that classy people can be whores as well.”—Freddie

FREDDIE SEZ...

More Lip Drool From Zanzibar:

* “We’re not merely a load of poofs.” ‘“You’re coming to a fashion show, not a concert.”

‘“Liza Minnelli’s a wow!”

“T mean, how can I play a piano with one leg missing?”

* “Robert Plant has always been my favorite singer.”

* “I can’t wait to see Japan—all those geisha girls and boys!”

MOMMY, WHAT’S THAT BUMP

ON HIS LEG?

Freddie Mercury has the most celebrated bulge since Jim Morrison or even Ted Kluzewski. “By the way,” swears the tyke, “I do not wear a hose. MY HOSE IS MY OWN! No Coke bottle, nothing stuffed down there.”

Oh yeah? then let’s hear your explanation for these items found in your dressing room: an iron banana, two bags of R-19 insulation, a roll of dimes, a grasshopper trying to mate with a thermometer, a grassy knoll, a baggie full of virgin’s tears, the Leaning Tower of Cottage Cheese and a refugee shrimper and his family.

Oh yeah, according to Lisa Robinson, he wears “it” to the left.

A WORD

FROM THE COMPETITION “Queen...oh, the English Queen, well...I think they’re going to turn out to be real good»”Robert Plant..

MORE FUN THAN ETCH-A-SKETCH!

Brian on His self-made guitar: “It took two years, It was made from the wood of a 100year-old fireplace, cast aluminum, and the parts of an old motorcycle engine. The fuzz and phase units are built it.” Neat, Bri’! Now try building some character.

NO SIGN OF A STRUGGLE Freddie oh the egocentricity of “We Are The Champions14: ‘‘We thought it may be, but SOD IT!”

QUEEN FAX: FREDDIE

Astrological Sign

influences

Ambition

Education

Previous ; Occupation

Likes

Dislikes

Birthplace

Last Book Read

Quote

Virgo

Sept. 5.1946

Liza Minnelli, Jimi Hendrix

a pinch to grow an inch

grammar school in India; Ealing School of Art

graphic designer/illustrator

being stared at

“pockets in trousers”

Zanzibar

‘Book?’

“Touring makes me feet like a vulture’s crotch.’’

ROGER

Leo

too coy to‘fess

Yardbirds. Who, Dylan, Lennon, Hendrix and “himself"

‘to go supernova

London Dental College

gentleman’s outfitter

vitamins

death

Norfolk

“Read?"

“Leave me alone. Reek.

BRIAN

Cancer;

ditto Roger

Ciaptoh, Beck, Davey O’List

penguin

eafftedB.fj, in physics at Sbtne mystery college

teacher

eating on the phone

hepatitis

“the country

“Last?”

‘Live Lps are a copout!’

JOHN

Leo

Aug: 19,195 L

Yes; The World, *60 cycles’'

mm

death to all writers

’CHelsea College of ! Electronics ?

stand-in

“shiny rubber vests, rope, elastic, raincoats’’

thepress

Leicester

“Iwiihlhatwriters would stop making upquotes and attributing them to me!”

PSYCHIC SUBURBANITES The vaned-out but still ambulatory Linney family of Hove, U.K., wrote a letter to Queen in 1974 that said the band would become “more famous than the Beatles.” “Previously,” added Brian, “they had only listened to classical music.” To show their gratitude, the guys treated the whole family to a Dirty Picnic.

TWO REASONS WHYJOHN DEACON DOESN’T LIKE THE PRESS

1 .“The bass line on ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ is lifted straight out of Chic’s ‘Good Times’ as if the Sugarhill Gang never even existed!”-CREEM’80 2.“‘We Will Rock You’ is a near-clone of Gary Glitter’s ‘Rock And Roll, Pt. 2,’ particularly the bass line.”—-NME ’78.

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG SHITTY Queen’s light show is a favorite of many fans particularly when it outshines the band itself in concert. Included among the visuals: flashpots, strobes, lasers, smoke-bombs, Masonite reflectors, sub alert system, airport landing lights, industrial-strength anti-bug torches, a group of Japanese tourists with flashcubes, a roadie waving a Space Giants penlight and 247 synchronized night-beepers.

THE VACUUM EFFECT “When a top-flight, proven rock attraction withdraws into a period of inactivity,” states the NME Encyclopedia of Rock, “the void thus created will be filled by substitute, usually lesser-talented acts.” Okay, now guess which group made it big in ’73-’74, when Led Zep and David Bowie were too caned-out to record or tour?

HOW FREDDIE LOST HIS PANTS “We’d had a hectic day at Top Of The Pops and our promo man, Eric Hall, invited us out for a meal. Unfortunately, the others in the band couldn’t come, they had to go back to the studio [and do the real work— R.J.]. Anyway, I had rather a lot to drink and I seem to remember at some point in the evening that someone removed my shoes and socks and hung them over a lampshade. Then I said something along the lines of ‘well, if you’re going to take everything off, I shall remove my trousers,’ which I did. Then the manager approached and I thought he was going to throw me out, but instead he said ‘I hear you’ve got a gold disc.’ Then he presented me with a bottle of champagne.” But Freddie dear, who popped the cork?

MADAME ARNIE PREDICTS Cosmic spit from The Sage: “Driven by Brian May’s ukelele fixation, the band’s next LP will be entitled Queen Goes Hawaiian, featuring water chestnuts like ‘Tiny Bubbles,’ ‘Honolulu Lulu,’ ‘Hawaii Fiue-O Theme,' an operatic (ala ‘Boho Rhapsody’) treatment of ‘Dead Man’s Curve,’ ‘Another One Bites The Pof and their rockabilly version of ‘Blue Hawaii’.”

ROGER TAYLOR VS. THE RUNAWAYS

CREEM Rock W Roll News (June ’76): Queen’s Roger Taylor had some trouble getting into a Runaways (Kim Fowley’s new all-girl teenaged rock ’em-sock ’em act) concert at Esperanza High School in California’s conservative Orange County. When Roger and a friend arrived at the school auditiorium, it seems they were refused admittance by the teachers and the principal. “You have to let Roger in,” pleaded his friend to the principal. “He’s in Queen.” Replied the school official, “I don’t care if he’s in King. You have to leave or I’ll call the police.” And they left. Wonder what the principal did when he saw the Runaways’ show, which has been described as akin to the Stooges on a good night?

NO BALLS, TWO STRIKES Chicago White Sox organist Nancy has been trying to get the fans to sing along with “We Will Rock You” during Sox rallies for three years now. That is, until mid-season ’80, when she forgot the chords due to lack of use.

I FEEL PRETTY

Some Of Freddie’s Fashion Secrets: ’Revlon “Touch ’n’ Glow” (color: toasted beige)

’Miners’ black nail polish (one coat) with rhinestones. If no rhinestones are available, substitute sparkle-covered fetuses of Rice Krispies.

’Pink Bibajammies.

* Blouses by Zandra Rhodes.

* Undies by Goodyear.

STOP CRYIN\ BRIAN Quips From The Ever-Colorful Mr. May:

* “I don’t have the urge to do anything. ”

* “I like at least three showers a day. ”

* “I’m a very pig-headed person. ”

* “I have to steer clear of hamburgers.”

* “I don’t look yellowish to you, do I?”

* “My current girlfriend couldn’t stand me at all originally.”

* “Genotype Cointoss? What does that mean?”