THE AC/DC BOOK OF LISTS

THE AC/DC BOOK OF LISTS

FEATURES

by Rick Johnson

FIVE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN AUSTRALIAN HISTORY

1. 1770: “Discovered” (for white people) by Capt. James Cook. “Looks like a high risk neighborhood,” he relays to Queen.

2. 1820: Gang-adopted by Britain.

3. 1821: U. K. begins using the country as dumping ground for killers, rapists, thieves, preemies, the chronically late and that sickening couple in the People commercials.

4. 1822-1980: Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

5.1981: Today? Well, it’s mainly still a desert where people with no clothes on throw boomerangs at each other.

SEVEN SPECIES PECULIAR TO AUSTRALIA And I Do Mean Peculiar:

1. Kangaroo

2. Dingo

3. Wombat

4. Duck-billed platypus

5. Helen Reddy

6. Barking lizard

7. The Koala, which is the only non-primate advanced enough to say “Wake me when if s over.”

SEVEN THINGS OF LESSER IMPORTANCE THAN AC / DC

1. The president’s “dribble-down” theory.

2. Maintaining a “positive” outlook.

3. Being wacky in mixed company.

4. Death.

, 5. The pantyhose that make Debby Boone “feel like dancin’.”

6 . Being burned beyond recognition.

7. Learning to read.

SEVEN THINGS OF GREATER OR EQUAL “IMPORTANCE” THAN AC/DC

1. Egg wrestling results, Extra-Large Division.

2. Buying a separate Mr. Dentistfor your dog.

3. Advancing in the ranks of the Police Bpmb Squad.

4. The deluxe home version of Wild Kingdom.

5. Field trip t;o the Funkley, Minnesota Cancer-Dressing Unit (the world’s largest!)

6. Asking Hal, the referee.

7. Burger King Magic Kit #3, teaching raisins lifesaving.

SIX REASONS WHY PHIL RUDD IS A DRUMMER INSTEAD OF A SCIENTIST

1. He’s not very smart.

2. Kinda dumb, actually.'

3. Face it— he’s stoopid.

4. Completely out to lunch.

5. His porch'light is out.

6. Doesn’t even know what his own initials mean.

THE THREE MOST POPULAR “REAL” MEANINGS OF AC/DC

1.According to certain religious fanatics, the lightning bolt in their logo symbolizes the devil. Either that or it has something to do with Blue Oyster Cult.

2.In American heterosexual slang, it means half/heaven half/heartache. 3. In International Distress Code, it stands for “Rub my puppet, bucko. ”

THE TEN MOST IMPORTANT AUSTRALIAN BANDS OTHER THAN RADIO BIRDMAN

1.Bee Gees

THE SEVEN QUOTES FROM THE LAST BON SCOTT INTERVIEW

1. “We won’t bubblegum at all. ”

2. “Our music comesfrotn the heart.” (points to kidney)

3. “Rock ’n’ Roll is the channel to give us a vent to frustration. Lack of money, lack of women, lack of alcohol or whatever, rock ’n’ roll is just a damn good outlet for what’s hurting inside. ” (points to liver)

4. “About the first song I wrote was ‘She’s Got Balls,’ which is about my wife. She wasn’t impressed.”

5. “Rock music has been held back by things like Woodstock and the hippie head band type of thing.”

6. “We don’t listen to critics.” “No kiddin’,” reply critics.

7. “We’re doing what we like. There’s nothing else to do. Nothing.”

ANGUS YOUNG’S FAVORITE GUITAR PLAYERS

1. Brian Jones

2. Jimi Hendrix

3. Duane Allman

4. Tommy Bolin

5. Paul Kossoff

6. Jimmy McCullough

7. Mike Bloomfield

TEN TRUE FACTS

1. The band, as a whole, has an extremely low Commandmentobeying percentage.

2. “Bon” is/was short for Bonnie (i.e. from Scotland).

3. The scallop has the highest IQ of any shellfish.

4. The Young family consists of seven brothers and one sister.

5. Statistically speaking, one American goes deaf every 13 minutes. Do you know what time it is?

6. AC/DC was “conceived” on New Year’s Eve, 1974.

7. There actually is something called Australian New Wave Cinema.

8. Angus sometimes has to be reminded of class rules.

9. Bon was a drummer until he blundered onto the AC/DC construction site.

10. Seen from above, Australia looks like a two-headed Scottish Terrier.

TEN JUICY RUMORS

1. Angus Young’s thighs have been granted home rule.

2. AC/DC is Aussie slang for someone who sniffs koala tails.

3. Brian Johnson’s fingerprints were found all over Bon Scott’s neck.

4. Malcolm Young is an authority on out-of-state dances.

5. In Australia, a clown and a clone are the same thing.

6. Although Bon was only in his early 30’s when he died, he’d have been 92 in our years.

7. God created butterflies to decorate car grills.

8. Cliff Williams used to ride shotgun on a Dy-Dee Wash truck.

9. Dave DiMartino wears a flea collar, but not around his neck.

10.Brian Johnson is my illegitimate son.

MALCOLM YOUNG’S SEVEN FAVORITE ALBUMS

1. Melanie At Carnegie Hall

2. Best Of Horslips

3. Virgin Fugs

4. Big Bambu/Cheech & Chong

5. Beaucoups Of Blues/Ringo Starr

6. Barrel/Lee Michaels

7. Black Moses/Isaac Hayes

WHAT NINE ACTUAL AC / DC RECORD BUYERS SAID THEY LIKED ABOUT THE BAND

#5 said "good beat" (I can't help it!)

#2 said "good jams"

#1 said "LOUD"

#1 said "liked the cover" (of Back To Black, no less)

FOUR INSTANCES OF DEEP CRITICAL INSIGHT

1. “They need good drowning music down there, and this band contains no lifeguards.”

-Black Elmo, CREEM

2. “Slade fans would understand. ”

—Marc Mayco, Trouser Press

3. “The most lovable of the heavy metal bands.”

—Jon Sutherland, Record Review

4. “Filler? I never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never; never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never resort to that!”

-Me, CREEM

EIGHT PHRASES YOU CAN USE IN FRONT OF AN AUSSIE WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

1. “Golf widow”

2. “Factory Wind”

3. “Gimme some skin.”

4. “Much hoopla”

5. “Pretend it’s a ground ball and play it off your chest.”

6. “Clutch the gummy.”

7. “ Venden ustedes came?” (Do you sell meat?)

8. “Let me sleep on it.”

THREE PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR EXISTENCE OF AC / DC

1. Aslong'asthereareteens (of all ages), there will always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always,, always, always, always, always, always, always be a need for howling chariots of thud.

2. They represent 36% of the Australian Gross Product (and I do mean gross.)

3. Ask P.T. Barnum.

FOUR AC / DC FANS’ ROCK DREEMZ

1. “I’m in this garbage can full of gun barrels that’s rolling down a ravine. When it stops, I climb out and standing there is a dude called Cat and a cat named Dude, only both their faces are Phil Rudd’s. Then I’m looking at soup... ”

—Robert Y., age 17

2.“It started in Orlando, FL. All the citizens were out at the airport trying to roast The World’s Longest Weenie. It smells good, but then along comes The World’s Largest Swarm of Flies...”

—Yoko, 12

3.“Bon Scott just came over for breakfast. He isn’t wearing any pants and I can hardly concentrate on my Bloody Mary. All of a sudden, I remember he’s dead. ‘Hey man,’ I tell him, ‘You’re dead!’ He just stands there and looks at me like I’m a symptom of a venereal disease and says, ‘Bathe me fuckin’ parrot, matey!”’

—Victoria P., 16

4. “There’s this fur-lined volcano, ya see, and I’m inside arguing with a smoldering stump. Then it turns into Angus. ‘Our mother was once frightened by a sight-seeing bus,’ he says, real heavy-like. We sit down and start knitting granny circles with molten lava, but it keeps slipping through our hands before we can finish the four-slice toaster cover we’re working on. Then he looks at me and, ashe disappears, he says ‘Don’tforget to unplug the baby.’”

—Jackie O., 14

TEN STEPS UP THE CREEM READER’S POLL 10.1976: nothing 9. 1977: still nothing 8.1978: #14, Most Pathetic 7.1979: #6, Best New Group Beginning With Letter “A”

6.1980: #14, Best “Live” Group 5. 1980: #16, BestLP (Highway To Hell)

4.1981: #6, Biggest Disappointment (Scott’s Death)

3. 1981: #3, Best Tour Opening On Tuesday Night

2. 1981: #2, BestLP (Back To Black)

1.1981: #1, Popular Group With Little Or No Background

THREE POIGNANT INSPIRATIONAL VERSES

1. “What I want I lick, whatldon’t want I kick”

—from “Problem Child”

2. “No man, AC/DC hasn’t replaced booze or downs or anything. I just keep adding stuff.”

-AC/DC fan

3. “People put ya down for playin’ rock ’n’ roll, you know. Well, FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.”

—Bon Scott

SEVEN BEST TUNES FROM THE GREAT LOST AC / DC ALBUM, DOUBTFUL AUTHENTICITY

1. “Spit On My Finger And Hope To Crawl”

2. “Baby Let Me Fuck Your Brains Out All Nite Long”

3. “Shade Tree Mechanic”

4. “Maximum Tumescence In Repose”

5. “Zero Visibility” '

6.“Junk Feud”

7. “Both Sides Now”/“Music Dancer”

SEVEN THINGS BON SCOTT DID NOT DIE OF 1 .“Natural” causes.

2. Curiosity.

3. Not having a telephone.

4. Bashfulness.

5. Sitting too close to a color TV.

6. Fell off skateboard.

7. Sperm backup.

(Thanks to Prairie Sun for portions of their Bon Scott interview. —Ed.)

UANGER FUNKORNER

WHO SAID IT?

Match The Quotes With The Dumdum

1. “Today, the world is boogie.”

2. “I’m tired of being pushed around by a bunch of mudpies!”

3. “Being a corpse is such a waste of time.”

4. “...and I don’t want any letters from umpires because I don’t care!”

5. “Malcolm would be the lead guitarist if practicing didn’t interfere with his drinking.”

6. “AC/DC is to Lum’s what Kiss is to high school cafeterias.”

7. “Everybody’s entitled to an occasional hallucination.”

A.Flash Gordon

B. Phil Donahue

C. The Fox in Yakky & Chopper

D. Angus Young

E. Jimmy Piersall

F. Roger Alan Burt

G. Bob Paiva

SECRET MESSAGE Connect the dots in order, and you’ll have the answer to this question: Is AC/DC the best group in the world?

JOE & MOE

Moe: Knock knock! *

Joe: Who’sThere?

Moe: Phil Rudd!

Joe: Phil Rudd who?

Moe: Ha ha ha!

Moe: How many AC/DC fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Joe: I dunno, how many?

Moe: Seventeen!

Joe: Why seventeen?

Moe: I forgot!