HOME: Ozzie & Harriet’s, Hometown, U.S.A....where else?

AGE: Somewhere between 15 and 40.

PROFESSION: Filling young women with TV-tube desire.

HOBBIES: Hanging out at the Malt Shop; fighting with David; listening to Elvis Presley’s Sun Sessions; watching Leave It To Beaver reruns.

LAST BOOK READ: How A Nice, Middle Class, White Kid Can Become A Rock Star In Five Easy Lessons by Johnny Rivers.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Drank six gallons of milk...without cookies!!

QUOTE: “Hey, Mom! What’s for lunch?”

PROFILE: Born into the glamour and glitter of TV land, this wasn’t good enough for little Ricky’s girlfriend who lusted after King El the Pelvis, “Shucks, I can do that!” sez our hero to his dad over malted milks, introducing the civilized world to the guitar of James Burton and music of the Burnette brothers, as well as setting the mold for future TV teen idols the Monkees, David Cassidy, the Archies, the Banana Splits and Shaun Cassidy, all of whom continue to influence wimps to this day. Drink it down quick, Rick—there’ll be Pejmlater!

BEER: Boy Howdy!