MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMRNTS

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept.. CREEMMagazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

C'THULU CULT GROWS!

Sometimes you people don’t know when to stop. You forget those who put you in business, and you carry it too far. Rick Johnson’s evaluation of rock guitarists was the worst piece of biased, ignorant, and boorish literature that I have ever read. I am, in particular, referring to his opinion on Jimmy Page.

I know you won’t print this, because you’re into down-grading others, not yourselves, but if Rick Johnson can give his opinion, so can I,

I realize that it was only an opinion, but there are several phrases in the article that seem to go beyond all that. Calling Mr. Page things such as “Ol' debbil-breath” and “Mr. kneejerk hoodoo,” and making references to his interest in the occult, is totally unnecessary and rude. There are other people in this world who are interested in Crowley and the Occult (I am among them, and proud of it)j and putting it down is out of Mr. Johnson’s league. Listening to Jimmy Page’s work is far from painful; I, and many others, find it totally enthralling. He was not “kicked off the top of the heap,” Jimmy continues and will continue to dominate the rock guitar field. I wish Mr. Page would see this to realize there are many people who still hold him and his beliefs in high esteem.

A final note: Don’t fool around in areas you know nothing about; it is too easy to get repaid. Faye Perozich N. Huntington, PA

(Johnson never gets paid in the first place. —Ed.)

UNDER THE RAINBOW!

Thank you, Rick Johnson, for not including Ritchie Blackmore in your “Heavy Metal Guitar Heroes” article. At least you’ve proved that Rainbow is not heavy metal, a point I cannot stress enough. To include him would’ve insulted the intelligence of this brilliant mind. He’s the last of the great composers. He also has nice thighs. ' Thank you again.

Arfiy Rothman Alias Kimmy Woodridge, IL

LAFF RIOT NO MORE!

Question: How do you get new wave at the shore????

Answer: Stand by the water and every time a wave comes in, shout “New Wave!” (Uncontrollable sounds of laughter and amusement. In other words, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (Hell, if Tom Snyder can do it, why can’t I?) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Pork Chops & Pigs In A Blanket,

or regards,

THE KNOWN (Previously THE UNKNOWN)

The Trenton Sewers,

Corner of Princeton & Olden Aves.

Trenton, NJ <•

CAN LOU REED?

Shit. Let us mourn the demise of a true rock persona-legend. He defined the concept of “scrunge,” screamed the wolfy-riffed stuff of rose-tinged night, such a trooper born to this era. Lou Reed was covered by the lily-shroud prose of People magazine last week. I have to wonder if Louie baby-dear is not the secret weapon unleashed by Canada, in spying does the green stuff merry. I feel as if my mother ate my flesh in the Andes.

Michael J. Malok

Wild Side City, NY

P.S. You have the greatest mag in the complete cosmos.

NEVER AGAIN!

Temporary Fascination For

BRYAN FERRY Series

Composition Number 2

Soft Penetrating Voice

I was not afraid to turn him on. There was just too much noise. I covered my head, running my hand over the switch. Then the noise was gone. I allowed myself to be seduced into his quiet madness. He gently touched his lips to my ear and slowly tugged me towards nis voice, trembling, swelling beneath the sound.

Engulfed by the sound surrounding us, we swayed to the quiet raging. We danced slowly over the soft carpet beneath our feet. We went down into a soft twist but...we didn’t come up.

We worked up a passion in the quiet madness. 1 stroked his volume and he slowly opened his mouth, his soft pulsating voice penetrating the moist walls of my ear-1 wanted to cry out as the soft throbbing voice quivered into a scream then. .slowly... fading... out...

I could not get enough of his soft pulsating voice. I made him sing for me again and again. Love,

Anna Arnold

Cleveland, OH

(Too bad about that car accident—Ed.)

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE!

I visited Washington, D.C. recently and ya wanna know what I did? I wiped a booger under one of fhe desks in the White House! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Radically,

Boris Bartenkoff

The Red Brigade

Trenton, NJ

LOVE STORY!

Funny thing this. I buy CREEM for the first time in 3 years (the onset of pogo) and hidden beneath Bromide and Spleenz articles (sheesh) was a most fascinating history of one Arthur Lee. This is what I read rock journalism for!!!... Insights and knowledge, not fanzine excrement. So anyways one of my elder yippie friends (who now builds computers for T.I.) left me a ton of suitable for shelving glitch Ultimate Spinach, > Atomic Rooster, Greenslade and this “Love” record that was jolted to me memory that turns out to be one intensified bum! Four Sail, huh?

Immediate rape, pillage, search and seizure turns up Forever Changes, and The Best Of documenting more boan fide classical incarnage!!! Although Dave DiMartino cannot universally assume that F. Ch’s is top drawer in everyone’s chest; we rivetheads need more jammerwammers like “August,” “Seven & Seven Is” and the vintage “A House Is Not A Motel.” I played Four Sail on my gig and got raves and still further insights...WOW...did the Doors really back up Love at the Whiskey A-Go-Go and that Morrison strove for Arthur Lee persona?????

Can DiMartino be further encouraged for more groundbreaking ventures????

Weird Scenes,

ROCK ACTION II

Champaign, IL

P.S. Upon 2176 words info a Rick Johnson article (your up-and-coming pinhead???) I discover sacrilege reamed. Trower, Davies and Kaukonen are out with sensation comebacks. Why don’t you just fucking add Mike Bloomfield to your “Good Riddance” bin? How friggin’ dated are these articles anyway? Are they written and compiled four months in advance?

P.P.S. Rory Gallagher, Roy Buchanan and Bill Nelson live!!

(Johnson’s computer was humor-programmed in Matj 1986. Take it up with Radio Shack—Ed.)

LIPS SINK!

I totally resented you little remark about Jack Casady’s lips in your May issue.

I think Jack is adorable, and he just makes me want to pinch those cute little cheeks.

SVT forever!

J.D. Lips.

New York, NY

P.S. Eat your heart out, Punky Meadows!

PUTZEL LOGIC!

Too bad the “Object From Space” didn’t take you over. Maybe then you’d have the decency to send out writers who don’t have attitudes before interviewing someone, (i.e., Iman Lababedi is a PUTZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sincerely,

Choo (since Joe and Charlie don’t surf, that makes THREE of US) Wan

Trenton, NJ

REVENGE OF THE BEEF CAPTAIN!

As long are you’ve pretty much used up the “Clash vs. Led Zeppelin” thing, how about us real humans ganging up on those dorks who really deserve it, the ART ROCKERS—y’know, wimps like Spandau Ballet, Joy Division, Gang of Four, DNA,any group with Lydia Lunch in it, that Beef Captain guy, and all the rest? Me and four other parking attendants here at the U of M can clear all of ’em out in a week if you’ll send money for guns, beer, oxy-wash, and five South African passports. Send your donations to:

KILL THE ARTSY WIMPS

P.O.Box 21011

MINNEAPOLIS, MINN.

Yours, real sincerely,

Steve the Parking Attendant and his band of

wickett-heads

University of Minnesota

Minneapolis, MN

P.S. What does the “Lifer” between “Rob” and “Halford” mean?

P.P.S. Do an article on 999!

P.P.P.S. More pictures of Martha Davis!

(1) Ask his ballet instructor. 2) Why? 3) Why not? -Ed.)

HOT AIR POPPER!

I suppose Johnny Fingers sleeps in his clothes, too.

Yeah, it figures.

Repressingly,

Orville Redenbacher

Popcorn Heaven

CREEM POLL-TAKING QUESTIONED!

J am referring to your April edition, about Elvis Costello and why he won’t talk to the press. I think the reason is because he knows that if he talks to the press, he’ll probably have to talk to this rag of a mag, too. And where do you get off asking a poll where half of the people you ask (hardly) work at your magazine? Why not ask the public? Why not ask me?

Elvis is kick-ass, and so are his songs. So if you can’t write anything good about him, keep your pen capped!

And to close, I would just like to say, SHAPE UP!!!!

R.J.L.

The City of Progress, good old

Madison Heights, Ml

P.S. PRINT THIS

P.P.S. The CLASH Rocks

P.P.P.S. Do an article on DEVO

P.P.P.P.S. What’s wrong with Canada?

(People from Madison Heights shouldn’t

ask.-Ed.)

THIN-SKINNED AND WILLING!

It was another lonely Saturday night. I happened upon a copy of Men In Love, an expose by Nancy “T.G.I.” Friday, on what the slimy boys in my class think about when they’re in the shower.

Says Nance, “Everybody has fantasies. Even rock stars. Except Topper Headon, of course, but then he’s not a rock star, he’s just a DORK!”

But the real question here is not what do rock stars think, but what do SHEEP think? Is a sheep considered degenerate to the rest of the flock if he has a thing for humans? Is it just a status thing to them? ,

And while we’re on the subject of sheep, why aren’t there any sheep rock stars? Most sheep I know look like Ian Hunter and bleat better than Chrissie Hynde, but they continue to be ignored, and hang around in big cliques and listen to Todd Rundgren tapes (that’s right, Lambs of Todd...)

Stylistically, sheep are more advanced than humans, although on the evolution scale, they rank slightly above penguins, who mouth the words to songs. Yeah, so don’t let those penguins fool you, they aren’t as classy as they seem. Those aren’t tuxedos they’re wearing, they’re incredibly large lapels.

Well, keep up the good work, CREEM guys, and don’t forget the sheep.

Sincerely

Sheep In Love

Oakland, NJ

(Other sheep in rock include David Lee Roth’s ankles and the “Geddy Lee” concept. — Ed.)

CALL FOR ALVIN LEE

You can show pictures of fat women lying in satin and lace. You can joke about the latest albums. You can even print disgusting letters in your mail column, but when you insult Heavy Metal guitar heroes'—oh ho boy—that’s just pushing it too far. You made Eddie Van Halen sound like the king of bullshit guitar tricks, you implied that Brian May was just there for the looks, and you even insulted K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton!!! You better learn a little about guitar before you put up an axe and play. When you can blow me away with a gut-crunching solo, then I might respect your opinion. Until then.

A Guitar Player

Springfield, IL

(Well, that’s an interesting argument. —Ed.)

CANADIAN POET LAUREATE!

Snacks, Hot dogs and buttered rolls

Are all me brain and body need

Snacks, Hot dogs and buttered rolls

Are very good indeed.

LET’S EAT!

Sorry Ian.

Paul McKinnon living off the fat of the land somewhere below the 49th parallel on

Vancouver Island

CANADA

(Shouldn’t you be selling donuts or something?Ed.)

SNORE NOW!

TO: The Penguin Brigade

Re: Letter to CREEM

Dear Ms.:

While perusing your letter in the March 1981 issue of the aforementioned publication, I noticed several grammatical errors which I would like to call to your attention.

1. “Cum” is not correct. “Come” is used both as a noun and a verb in the sexual connotation of the word.

2. “Gonna get ya” is horrid, absolutely horrid. Your sentence should read, “Going to get you.”

3. “I refer”:Jn the present tense of the verb “to refer,” the correct form is “I am referring.”

4. After “mental state,”-there should be the article “and,” not a comma.

5. In the clause “who don’t know their head from their assholes,” the “head” should be plural: hence, “heads.”

6. “Tits” is not proper English, It is a slang mispronounciation of the word “teats.” If you MUST be crude, (and you seem to know no other way of expressing yourself verbally) say “mammaries.”

7. In regard to calling all Americans “ Yankees,”

I would like to point out that only northern Americans are Yankees. We southern U.S. citizens are Rebels.

8. “Us Canadian girls” contains; two errors. “Us” is a pronoun, first person plural, objective case. In the sentence you wrote, you should have used the first person plural NOMINATIVE case, which would be “we.” “Canadians” is plural-, and it is clearly a dumb mistake.

9. After “penguins,” you neglected to insert a comma. (You know where you can insert it, too).

10. “There won’t be no other.” Never, never, NEVER use double negatives! “There won’t be any others” or “There will be no others” is infinitely better. Once again, you neglected to place a comma after “others.”

TO THE EDITORS: I would like to thank you for this opportunity to help and enlighten one less gifted in the language arts. (Perhaps if she repeated English I, some basic knowledge of grammar would penetrate her thick Canadian skull.)

Speaking to Penguin again, I would like to point out to her the fact that it is one of our constitutional rights to freedom of speech, as is freedom of the press. We Americans may insult whoever we wish, and CREEM may print it. Now I would like to take the advantage of those rights, and just say, “FUCK OFF!”

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Cordially yours,

A + In English IIIA (A for Advanced)

Pompano, FL

P.S. Ms. Baer does acid, twirls her glasses, and hates John Lennon. John Lennon hates her, and so does her class.

P.P.S.I’m proud to be American.

(So are most cocker spaniels. —Ed.)

JORDANIAN WISDOM!

I think your mag is great and who doesn’t buy it is a DAMN STUPID.

J.M. ZADAH

Amman, Jordan

P.S. TO HELL WITH DISCO SHIT, LONG LIVE ROCK.

(Send money.—Ed.)