HOME: Their moms and dads—honest.

AGE: Why not?

PROFESSION: Having found the Van Halen in everybody, their sworn mission is to isolate the Freddie Mercury in everybody, and shaveit.

HOBBIES: Alphabetizing and filing their groupies; protecting David Lee’s hair from vandals; not getting married; getting married; pondering Rush cover tunes; better women’s hosiery; grandiose genital boasts; alienating HM fans and punksters alike.

LAST BOOK READ: No, no, no, no...

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Caused Geddy Lee to feel superior to someone.

QUOTE: "Hey, we forewomen—as often as possible!"

PROFILE: And the cradle rocked in Southern California, spawning four who ran with the devil til they really got everyone. Golden boy David Lee Roth proved his manhood by reading Women's Wear Daily, finally concluding You're No Good and packing it in. The ship wasn't sinking, but when women & children came first, was it any wonder Valerie Bertinelli stepped in? For the art of sonic screeching and furry underbellies everywhere, drink up, Van Halen!

BEER: Boy Howdy!