MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O. Box P-1064

Birmingham, Ml 48012

TOO MUCH TOO SOON)

I want to write for your magazine. I hate David Lee Roth. Do I qualify?

Anxiously yours,

Boots Jr.

Reedley, CA

(You and an astonishing number of ourjeaders. -Ed.) '

THE ACTION NEVER STOPS

Here�s the hottest action in Yardville tonight:

It�s 2:02 A.M. and we just finished demolishing a Jeno�s pizza with sausage, peppers and pepperoni. (Good thing we got the Signal!)

We caressed it down with Faygo diet red pop soda.

An old Shirley MacLaine film is on the telly.

The radio station is playing gay music and won�t take requests.

No Liquor.

My friend is staring into oblivion.

She has taken no drugs.

1 read your magazine.

1 am in deep trouble.

Yours truly,

Corky Wipstock & Pogo, the friend

Trenton, NJ

OLD ROMANTICS!

I just bought your April issue—GREAT cover feature story on the Police, and fine Stiff tour coverage, but why the scathing review of the Romantics� newie, National Breakout? You guys used to write favorably about this band, then when their first album came out, you trashed it! Come on! National Breakout has some really hot songs: �21 and Over,� �Tomboy,� �A Night Like This,� �Stone Pony,� �Friday At The Hideout� are all excellent dance tunes (sure the other slower ones are wimpy, but I skip �em). Overall, the new album is uneven, but the good ones more than make up for the so-so ones. Craig Zeller: What is a �patented fake I.D. �hard love� posturing� anyway? t

Live, the band is even better. I recently saw them get a crowd of thick-headed heavy, metallers up and bopping, which is no mean feat in Toledo, Ohio, the rock �n� toll wasteland of the world. The new guitarist (didn�t catch his name) is, if anything, an improvement over the departed Mike Skill, and the band�s nouveaurockabilly duds wereteal gone! The new songs all kicked hard, and the encore rave-ups (�Route 66,� �I Ain�t Got You,� and �The Beat Qoes On�) really set the crowd on fire. A fine show. .

In short YOU HAVEN�T GIVEN THE ROMANTICS A FAIR'SHAKE! (But I will forgive you, if you run a big spread on the world�s greatest, The Clash, written by anyone but Dave DiMartino.) Also, leave the Van Halen and AC/DC shots to the bible of schlock-rock, Circus—you don�t need �efn.

Dan Kane

Bowling Green, OH

P.S. I just want to say that WMMS-FM is the most over-rated radio station in the world. It used to be great (about three years ago) but now it absolutely sucks. �Star� DJ Kid Leo is an aging, paunchy, tasteless greaser who was recently spotted at a Cleveland Plasmatics concert in a black satin Kiss jacket. Need I say more?

(You should see w hat Kiss wear.— Ed.)

SOAP-BOX DERBY

I�ve got news for you, J. Kordosh, if you thought it was astonishing to find the Police in soap-opera-land, you should have tuned in to All My Children on a day earlier in December, when you could have seen Nina in the college lounge, agonizing over whether or not to leave her husband Cliff, who had gotten Sybil pregnant... while �Train In Vain� blared away on the jukebox.

Tune in tomorrow...

Kodi

San Jose, CA

A TOUCHING TALEI

I know nobody is going to believe me. Everyone is going to think I made it up to get my letter in the magazine, but it�s the absolute truth. Here it is: I went to see the Ramones last week at Bailey Hall in Cornell University—I SAT NEXT TO A GUY FROM CANADA!!

Yes, it was a horror to top all horrors. (Now I know what Brando meant in that war movie) His name was Jorge (pronounced your-gee). No shit. He played hockey. He had his hockey sweater (hockey sweater?) on to prove it. He lived down the street from the El Mocambo. He went to the University of Toronto. He told me all this while a crappy band named the Cymbals had technical difficulty. He was here on a fraternity trip, and was looking forward to meeting some nice American girls. (I know you don�t believe it„ but I swear to God he said it!) I told him I didn�t blame him, cause I had spent a week in Canada one night and all I saw were fat girls in hip boots.

Brace yourself, you haven�t heard the worst. The Ramones came on and rocked harder then any band I had even seen. Jorge FELL ASLEEP! I swear it�s the truth! Did you plant him as a joke? And I thought you guys from Michigan were making all that stuff up!

Needless to say, the Ramones were good enough to let me ignore him. Now I don�t care if they have cheap beer^nd gas—I�ll never go there again.

Get a haircut

Joey Thunders

Homer, (Where?) NY

P.S. I changed my name since I wrote you the last letter complaining about the High Times ad. Glad to see you�re not advertising that piece of poop anymore.

P.P.S. In response to the self-acclaimed �ass kicker� in the April issue: even Mark Mothersbaugh could beat the crap out of Geddy Lee. You are definitely a rivethead.

(We sympathize. —Ed.)

QUESTION OF THE MINUTE!

Why do people say/write �PUNK RULES�? Punk has no rules.

Angela Halina Nanczura

Surrey, British Columbia CANADA

ONHISONAN!

I would just like to take a moment to thank the wonderful folks at CREEM for what they did in the April issue: they once again printed a letter by my hero, Peter Eicher. I�ve been a CREEM reader for some time now and nothing about the magazine, excellent though it is, has thrilled me as much as the letters'by Peter Eicher. While other letter writers have been funny, none were as consistently brilliant as Peter Eicher. Yet for some reason all of a sudden all those beautiful Peter Eicher letters stopped coming. Where has Peter Eicher gone, I cried in despair! What had become of the great Peter Eicher? Well glory be praised, in the April issue there it was, the letter I�d been waiting for, written by the world�s greatest human being, Peter Eicher.

Peter Eicher is just so perfect. His musical tas$e is flawless. Peter Eicher hates Van Halen, Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar and Yes. Peter Eicher is never, ever wrong. Please be nice to Peter Eicher and print all his letters. If you don�t, the Peter Eicher fan club will boycott your magazine and shoot all of you thru your temples. God loves Peter Eicher. All hail Peter Eicher. Peter Eicher will one day save the world.

Yours truly,

Peter Eicher

Flushing. NY

MUMBO JUMBO!

Having read your magazine but once, I am compelled to comment ,on the intelligence of your readers� letters. I have noticed an uncommonly high rate of the use of the word �suck.� Although lack of mental capacity is an obvious factor contributing to this overuse, I would submit that this situation is equally a manifestation of your reader�s blatant and highly developed penis fixations!

Of course, I realize this letter is of limited consequences due to the aforementioned deficiency�s preclusion of any enlightenment on your readers� part.

Futher, I take this manifestation of penis fixation in no form of offense. I am, however, filled with the urge of simultaneous regurgitation and defecation as bread the words of your letter writers� stupidity.

Sincerely,

Cris Merritt

Voorheesville, NY

P.S. While I�m at it: Ted Nugent orally stimulates phallus.

(Feed the dog. — Ed.)

GRAMMAR WAS A PUNK!

Life is not easy when you�re an obsessive perfectionist. Case in point: I�ve been meaning to write a letter expressing my intense dislike for the Clash. Simple, right? Wrong! I�m in a terrible dilemma. Is it a)the Clash sucks, since �Clash� is a singular noun, b)the Clash suck, since �Clash� is referring to more than one �persori� (person? Clash? a conflict in terms, obviously)? Anyway, you get the point.

Love,

College Kid

Academia, USA

P.S. I was going to settle this issue before writing, but I had to use up my soon-to-be-obsoletq 15d stamps. Much easier and less time-consuming than going to the post office for a 3^ stamp, would n�t you say?

P.P.S. Why the hell am I worrying??? Most of your readers probably think �Singular Noun� is the lead singer of some obscure punk rock group.

P.P.S. (lastone; promise!) George Thorogood will take over the country by December 14, 9:22 a.m. Pacific time. So move it on over punk rockers, you egg-sucking dogs! •

(There are no easy answers. —Ed.)

NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SQUEAK!

I have just made an amazing discovery! Written (or etched) on the inSide of The Clash�s Sandinista! album, right on the record by the label.it says something! Side 1 says �In Space,� Side 2 says �No one,� Side 3 says �Can,� Side 4 says �Hear,� Side 5 says �You,� and Side 6 says �Clash!� There�s a little message written in the albums! �In Space No One Can Hear You Clash!� No JOKE! Check your album! Once I found this out, I decided to take a look at London Calling. Well, fuck a duck! Side 1 says �Tear,� Side 2 says �Down,� Side 3 says �The,� Side 4 says �Walls!� �Tear Down The Walls!� I took out Black Market and Give �Em Enough Rope, but neither said anything. I had, one last chance— I took out The Clash. A WRIGHT! Side 1 says �Nothing Can Change...� and Side 2 says �The Shape Of Things To Clash!� This is phenomenal! I looked at a few other albums by other groups, but I know the truth. Only The Clash would have the ingenuity to etch a little meaningful message on their albums. Hopefully you will print this and let my discovery be known to the world. Now maybe I�ll get a city in Ohio named after me too.

Yours truly,

Sir Sidney the Fish, Esq.

Joe Strummer School of Dentistry

Trenton, NJ

STRATEGY MADE PUBLIC!

The �Contents� section of the April CREEM offers �Roman Polanski bio reviewed by Jeffrey Morgan.� Well, I have looked and looked, and I cannot find any such article! Is this another one of your little jokes? Was it a mistake? Or did somebody remove the review just from my copy? In any case, I view this~ omission as further reinforcement of my hotrifying suspicion that MESSAGES FROM CANADA ARE BEING SUPPRESSED!

Succumbing to paranoia in

Philadelphia, PA

(Nah. It�s just the eskimo mail service. —Ed.)

BOO-HOO!

What�s happening to Blondie? Or should I say Debbie Harry and Chris Stein? Taken from the March People magazine: �Currently she has two hits off her third straight million-selling album, Autoamerican. Did she forget that they do have older material they could perform? What happened to the pop side of Blondie? We real Blondie fans like the pop side of Blondie better than the new disco side. I feel sorry for the other guys in the band! Back in �79 they were pushing that �Blondie is. a group� and now it�s Debbie Harry is a group.� Debbie�s right. Dreaming is free—but Debbie, I think you�re dreaming too much. I want back the old Blondie, not the new Debbie Harry.

D.H.

St. Louis, MO

(You can�t have either, sweetie. —Ed.)

s INCREDIBLE CLAIM!

I live in NEW JERSEY and I don�t work in a Chemical Plant!

Yours truly,

Shalmon Shwartzsteinski

Trenton, NJ

P.S. I don�t work!

CANT BE TRUE!

The walrus is Debbie!

Go to your garbage can, retrieve your Blondie/Autoamerican album and give it one last listen. But skip over all the filler and get right to the essence of this work. Place the needle in the very last groove of �Follow Me.� As the last wave fades, turn the volume ALL THE WAY UP! You�ll hear a voice say �You�re not really going to put this on the album, are you?� (Honest1) Was Rick Johnson at that session!? ,

Tom Chapman Orange, CA

(No, Johnson was at the pressing plant—Ed.)

HILARIOUS HUMOR!

Heard this one yet?

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the street? A: Because he was stapled to a chicken. Kinetically yours,

Tish

Turning Japanese in northern California San Francisco, CA

P.S. Thanx for a great Police cover story! Nice to read about something other than just Sting.

ACTUAL LIMEY LETTER!

It�s time you Americans learned what music sounds like!

I mean J buy your mag for THE FIRST TIME (cost me a quid, too!) Right? And what do I see? What do I bloody see? I�ll tell you what I see (saw(?)), I see (saw(?)) some loopy cretin by the name of Sheena Someone (but I don�t know who) putting down the Beat (U.K. sort).

Well let tpe tell you, Sheena Someone (but... etc...), if you took your head out of your arsehole long enough to listen to the music leaving these teles you might realize how dour U.S. �music� is. This includes the Pretenders (75% of who are British anyway). The Pretenders have had a whole two hits here, while the Beat have only had four. So who plays the best �kin music then,ay?

Kind regards,

Micky the Mod

(Kamakazie Beach Squad, Brighton �80) Birmingham, ENGLAND P.S. �We shall fight on the beaches (W.S. Churchill-1940) .

P.P.S. �Wedid.� (Micky the Mod-1980) P.P.P.S. Any more aggro off you Yanks and we send back the Trident missies we�ve just bought. Detonator first. Get the gist?

P.P.P.P.S. Hey what�s the crack? Call yourself a rock �n� roll mag? You haven�t mentioned Secret Affair once! This calls for a letter to the Times—ooh, boy will you be sorry. Shouldn�t be surprised if Maggie Thatcher severs diplomatic relations with you over this. (Never liked coffee or hamburgers anyway.)

P.P.P.P.P.S. Let this be a lesson to ya!

(Yeah, well you probably talk funny, buddy. -Ed.)

BONE FURY!

Which one of the Wilson sisters is the dog and which one is the butterfly?

Signed

PAINFUL SWELLING BRAIN Oxnard, CA

, (Brian is the dog; Woodrow is the butterfly. -Ed.)

RANDOM YAWNS!

Statements of the Day

1. New Wave rules

2. Wendy O. Williams curdles the milk in my refrigerator.

3. Rick Nielsen needs a bath.

4. Led Zep sucks pop tarts.

5. The Police tickle my fancy.

6. England forever.

7.1 still love you Elton.

8. Heavy Metal is art? Compare �A Day In The Life� to�Hells Bells.�

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

9. Long live the Clash.. .the nastiest, raunchiest, most vulgar band..

10. John Lennon.. .for the'people who care.

11. Davey Lee Roth gives me gas.

12.1 hate jellybeans.

13. The next Cheap Trick concert you attend notice the weed growing out of Robin�s nose.

14. Springsteen�s tongue resembles the innards of a kidney bean.

16. Billy Joel irks me.

17: Roger Daltrey is a wonderful human bean.

18: Yoko is interestingly fresh.

19. Mick dagger needs a fix.

20. Have you heard of Journey�s transition? N As ever,

Mrs. Elsie Everlovington Picklestrum Hernandez LLLIXX Reedly, CA

P.S. Long live the Sex Pistols and Britain, and my dog.

MOST-ASKED QUESTION OF THE tyONTH!

I have one question to ask about your March �81 issue: Who the hell is Judie Tzuke?!! �

An Infamous Scientist,

Victoria, B.C. Canada P.S. Does it really matter? (If ya know what I mean)...

(Sorry, that�s two questions. —Ed:~) W