Hail, Hail O Mighty Orion!

Hail, Hail O Mighty Orion!

THE BEAT GOES ON

NASHVILLE,TN-Who is this masked man? Does he, in some way, bear a realtionship to the original myth of the hunter Orion? Let us open our copies of Robert Graves� The Greek Myths:

... Others tell the following strange story of Orion�s birth. Hyrieus, a poor bee-keeper, had vowed tp have no children, and he grew old and impotent. When, one day, Zeus and Hermes visited him in disguise, and were hospiably entertained, they enquired what gift he most desired. Sighing deeply, Hyrieus replied that what he most wanted, namely to have a son, was now impossible. The gods, however, instructed him to sacrifice a bull, make water on its hide, and then bury it in his wife�s grave. He did so and, nine months later, a child was born to him, whom he named Uroin — �he who makes water�—and, indeed, both the rising and setting of the constellation Orion bring rain .

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Hopefully, Shelby Singleton will pardon this bit of truthful irreverence directed at his �Superstar of the 80�s,� but the Orion mystique itself is somewhat of an irreverent sham. First, there�s the book, Orion, written by Gail Brewer-Giorgio with the lightning flash of a geniune hack. Its �271-page fact or fiction story� was begun the day after Elvis Presley�s sad demise, and thus, necrophilia races through its bloodstream. The idea of the �novel� seems to be, as one sharp journalist has pointed out, �the extent that Orion will go to reclaim bits of his humanity to escape the pedestal his fans erect for him by entering the valley of the shadow of death.� Needless to say, for awhile Ms. Brewer-Giorgio was in search of a publisher.

That is until supposedly she received a phone call from a man claiming to be Orion. This Orion, though, was none other than a common Eckly Darnell, Singleton�s latest discovery. By usurping a prefabricated myth (albeit not the original one), a star was born and a book published.

Here�s where the second element of this so-called mystery becomes rather irksome. In November 1978, Orion signed a recording contract with Sun Records, after having been heard on a demo tape by Singleton. His first appearance on an album was singing duets with 20-year-old Jerry Lee Lewis recordings (Duets, Sun 1011). At that time he was unidentified, and this anonymity helped to again inflame the million-dollarquartet fever.

Of course, what first caught Sun�s president�s ear was that the singer on the demo could approximate the vocal style of Elvis. Therefore, to add to the. rumors, Sun released Orion�s first album (entitled Reborn) without a cover photo of the new star. Rags such as The Midnight Globe and The National Examiner began concocting a grisly tale: Elvis-faked his death, served as his own 'pallbearer, and still lived the life of a king at Graceland. Naturally such lies coul/d only subsist in a culture that so mourned the loss of a hero it would believe anything. The lunatic fringe heard the voice of their beloved resurrected by Sun, and their conclusion—born of a fundamentalist belief that oftemcarried them through hard-drinking Saturday nights and hardpreaching Sunday mornings— was simply that Elvis, like Jesus, had been reborn.

If Singleton had' continued this marketing tactic; the Orionhype might possibly have backfired on him as sheer exploitation of the sick and the afflicted. But then—and now the fun begins—somebody (either Singleton, a PR genius, or Orion himself) discovered the mask. Immediately Reborn was reissued with a photo of Orion, dressed in all his Vegas splendor, which paled compared to his sequin-littered mask. Since then, he has released three albums, each characterized by the mask Orion�s wearing on the cover -.Sunrise (plain black), Orion Country (denim), Rockabilly (glitter and gold).

The mask is Orion�s trademark. (In the crazy days of rockabilly, Jerry Lott donned a mask and became the Phantom, but his transformation was more demented than strategic.) Writers frequently allude to Batman or the Lone Ranger at Orion�s expense, but that just means they�re in on the joke. As Orion once stated in an interview, �If you were talking to the guys in Kiss, would you ask them �Why the paint?��

JUDIE'SBACK!!

"Hev," asks British singer Judie Tzuke, "what in the world is ail the hubbub going on about me? I mean. I'm lust an ordinary person who happens to perform in public, So what's the big deal?� Beats us, Judie, we like your records and everything! But there are a few who...well, have "other� interests. Thus, we print this warning: anyone who thinks of Judie in any terms other than being a rock singer is well, bad. Callous. Unfeeling. Not nice, and probably sexist. Shame bn you l Who cares if she's a blonde?

The mask also affords Orion a method of rapprochement with his fans—as a camouflage of the' star�s true identity, what it�s really suggesting is that Orion has a self to hide: that, in fact, he�s just-plain-folk dodging the public eye. Orion�s mask belongs to the tradition which permits both punk and rockabilly bohemians to wear sunglasses after dark, and it�s even synonymous with the shades worn by Question Mark. In terms of disguise, Orion�s historical precedent is probably the �You Know Who� Group (perhaps Shelby once purchased their lone LP in a bargain bin),. a phony British Beat group in red capes and ugly masks.

The pretext for Orion�s masquerade was of course that he was somehow—by reincarnation? via a parallel universe? —an embodiment or an image of Elvis. Even as a gimmick, this seems mighty ridiculous, but yokels fell for it. In a sense, Orion is right up there with the local wrestling legends who tour the Southern boondocks. The press release says �Orion enjoys playing for small audiences,� and indeed he must—why else perform in mudholes like a junior high auditorium in Lisle, Illinois, or Joey�s El Cid Club in Beckley, West Virginia?

The fact is that Orion never, never performs Presley, material. He is clearly not an Elvis impersonator. Some deaf scribes even go sp far as to claim that Orion sings better than Elvis. (One unconfirmed report states that Good Morning America did a voiceprint on Orion and his vocal quality was fouhd to be quite similar to Elvis�.) �And even at his worst,� writes a gung-ho journalist, �Orion never sinks to the level of �Do the Clam.��

Technically speaking, that�s true, except for one thing: in essence, Orion is a clam.. .doing the clam. All his albums are, pressed on �Collector�s Edition7 Special Gold Vinyl.� You can buy those or you can simply take the Orion pledge: �I pledge to support Orion to the best of my ability by telling everyone about Orion. I will also call radio stations to play Orion records and tell all record shops to order* Orion records.� Just sign on the dotted line and send ten bucks for the privilege. Face it, not even ABBA can beat that fast shuffle. Robert A. Hull

Critics Imitate Art Noises

MACOMB, IL—Some people think that the only talent possessed by rock critics is their ability to change colors in print. Others cite Cubist spelling, eating over the sink, and �smell funny to dogs� as the qualities that make crydicks (as we say in The Biz) such singular larvae.

The one thing you don�t hear much about is their profoundly primitive artistic abilities. As the anally-fixated Curator of Scribble, I�ve been tollecting the trash treasures various crit.s have sent me over the years with the firm conviction that, if it ain�t art, it�s sure as hell great blackmail.

The following are just a few of the many priceless items now on display here at the Rockcrit Art Institute: �Weenies, Anyone?� and �Convenience Store Map� by Rich �Andy� Riegel; �The Bearded Clayburgh� by Mark �My Word� Norton; a baseball card defaced with racial slurs by the late Robot Hull entitled �Wake Me When It�s Over;� an actual photocopy of �Go Ahead And� Sue �Me� Whitall�s social security card; a self-portrait of 'John Kordosh as he tells Robert Young: � ..if you think those spades boogalooing in the corner are /unny, wait'll you hear who won CREEM�s rock critic of the year award, Marcus;� �Oh Boyj Nerf Soup!� by Bill �Me Later� Sherman ; the cryptic �Vicious Volleyball Tournament?� by Mary �Me Pleez� Stevens and the breathtaking �Buy A Separate Mr. Dentist For Your Dog� from the Zebra Killers Fan Club.

Several inspiring masterpieces for the literate public are also to be found here: �Tell RJ For Me That He Is Sick!�, a short story from obscure Texan genius Punk Wop; Pleasant Days...With Joe And Sam, a collection of works by Veritable Renaissance Man Kordosh and a rarely performed one-act play by Bob �a-loo� Duncan entitled �Next Time You�re Not Gonna Do An Article, CALL MEEE!� Admission to the Institute is a flat one million rupees or your weight in drugs, an incredible sum if not for the continuous 24-hour Ladies� Night (18 or over, please!). The catch? First you have to find Macomb.

Rick Johnson

5 YEARSAGO

Why Do You Think They CallThem Dopes?

Bowie and entourage are free on $2,000 bail each after pleading innocent to marijuana possession charges filed against them in Rochester, NY. Strange that during the booking at the police station none of the press—except for one long photog—caught on that one of the arrested �Jim Osterberg, 28� was in all glorious actuality Iggy Pop (nee Stooge). The photographer couldn�t convince the local progressive FM station that Osterberg was Iggy and placed a frantic call tb these offices where he got verification. The station then believed and prepared a news story 'on it, which was eventually picked up around the country.

CARLENE CARTER EATS NICK LOWE!

Sure, Corlene's heard of Standing By Your Man, but In this case Nick Lowe wished she hadn�t! On a recent African safari, Carlene & Nick encountered thousands of cannibals—all who insulted hubby Nick by saying they wouldn't eat him if he were the last human alive I "What? demanded the angry Carlene. "Y'all sayin* Nick ain�t a prime cut o� beef? I'll show y'afi!� To The cannibals' disgust and amazement, the perky southern belle finished off her hubby with seconds to spare! "Urp," she mumbled drunkenly, as the terrified cannibals watched her stagger away, "I shouldn't o'ate the//ver I f"

Orch Uncorks Tube Revue

LOS ANGELES—America�s richest, rribst important indigenous form of music is now finally getting the attention it deservesWe�re not talking about ho-hum thing genres like Jazz, Rock �n� Roll, Country/Western or Feedback. No, this is the real thing—telelike vision theme music. Jack Elliott and Allyn Ferguson, composers of Barney Mil-

ler, Charlie�s Angels and other two popular, themes, have formed on �The Orchestra,� a team of thing eighty-six crack movie and TV studio musicians. These players music sacrifice up to $l,000-a-day in The studio fees just to perform music c,c,k' from such national treasures as Mr. T and Tina, I�m Dickens — He�s Fenster, Having Babies and the beloved theme from Grindl. Why? Well, besides avoiding higher tax brackets, it�s just something different. Says percussionist Larry Bunker, �The music being written for The Or-

music being written for The Orchestra is unlike anything else around.� Who wouldn�t want it to be? After a remarkably successful debut where they played everyi_i

After a remarkably successful debut where they played everynow commissioning tunes from ace cleffers Not Henry Mancini (Peter Lalo Schifrin (Mission: Impossible) and David Grusin Also in the works is a hour prime-time TV special NBC, the Network With NoIllness To Lose. Into Upcoming projects include sodia from hockey games and Best of Carpet Commerside

Rick Johnson which Please Do

Rick Johnson

They�re Not Ticklish Either DALLAS—They can�t laugh.

can�t cry. They can�t shout �hi-dee-ho!� They can�t make faces.�And if they speak at all, a robot-like monotone. Gary Numan Fan Club? exactly. We�re talking about

exactly. We�re talking about of aprosodia, a bizarre that strikes over Americans every year. referred to as T.M.I.T. T.T.I.R.S. (The Mysterious That Turns Thousands ies

Robots Syndrome), aproaffects stroke victims suffered a rip in the right as of the brain, the part from yukyuk, boohoo, slap me is that state of advanced koala-brain known as doing the and have-a-nice-day origin�Their loved ones look at

�Their loved ones look at as some kind of strange, inhuman monster,� says University of Texas psychiatrist Dr. Ross. So what else is Adds neurologist Dr. Marsel Harvard Medical

Mesulam of Harvard Medical School, �It�s absolutely heartbreaking. They speak in a monotone, that, in severe comes close to that of a in a science fiction film. � Although the victims themfind the condition

bor-ing,several record companare interested and television nationwide have been scrambling to hire aprosodiacs anchorpersons and hosts of language talk shows. Rick Johnson is a smash rinse in

someone

Dryers LAWRENCE, KANSAS — you think is the world�s boring activity? Canadian bowling? Using potholders

Bold guesses, but no. The

Bold guesses, but no. The boring activity has been coin laundry owners Moore and Pete Harnar installed a bar in their �n� laundromat, as well as pinball �n� a jukebox and soon,

a soon, volleyball court. Dubbed Suds �n� Duds, the

Dubbed Suds `n' Duds, the distasteful job, � boasts Moore. the operation remains as successful as it is now, watch for �n� Chemotherapy, Suds Dismissing Employees, Suds Pete Townshend Interview

my own pet distasteful job, �n� Writing for CREEM. Rick Johnson

Rick Johnson