MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI48012

OUT OF THE BABES WITH MOUTHS!

Ha-ha-ha—whatta joke, I just read a copy of CREEM Magazine for the first time and boy is it ever mental. It belongs to my brother (and he can keep it) he stole it anyway from the drug store. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to buy a copy. Not one single picture of Kiss in it—are you guys on drugs or something?

CREEM Sucks,

Milton Schwartz (age 13)

Saskatchewan in Canada (Eventually reader Schwartz will drop his last name, add a“John’’upfront, and, unfortunately, get hit by a bus. — Ed.)

GOPHER BROKE!

Re Billy Altman’s Rock-A-Rama on the Black Rose album: The Love Boat program which Mr. Altman mentioned contained several errors which 1, as an avid reader of CREEM, think should be corrected. First, Deacon Dark’s girlfriend’s name is Sarah not Sharon. Secondly, Sarah is deaf, not blind. By the wav, Deacon and Sarah are married now and spend a lot of time listening to old records. Sarah’s favorites are by a band from a few years back called Traitor.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Sincerely,

Gopher Smith,

Your Ship’s Purser

Saginaw, MI

JETT LAGS

Well I don’t believe it!. An article on JOAN JETT!!! It’s about time you guys got around to Joany! She can sing the Wilsons (yeah, it’s time for some young blood!) and Flatty Patty Benatar. The only real competition is Debbie Harry, but we know that big Deb will be 36 soon (boo-hoo). So, keep ’em coming!

A BIG Joan Jett fan (I weigh 300 pounds) Oust kidding)

Northern Virginia, VA

P.S. CREEM forever (unless you all get caught)

P.P.S. The Police suck Oust thought I’d stick that in there).

P.P.P.S. What is a Canada?

(Jerry will explain all come next Labor Day!—Ed.)

RETENTIVE ANALYSIS!

America’s only Rock ’n’ Roll magazine? Yes. If anyone hasn’t already noticed your most prominent contender for that title (which shall remain nameless so as not embarrass the poor souls who write for it) has gone over the edge. This bi-weekly publication (remaining nameless still, so as not embarrass the world famous rock band that shares its monicker) has, in its new form, become the counterculture equivalent to Life. This, while CREEM continues to rock on, reaching the depths of depravity that we all have come to know and love and associate with every facet of ROCK'N’ROLL.

The subtle differences between CREEM and this other useless rag (that we won’t name because it may embarrass those who like to use the phrase about it “gathering no moss”) can best be pointed out by the following comparisons:

The Un-named Magazine (UNM): Puts Bob Dylan on the cover twice a year.

CREEM: Has forgotten who Bob Dylan is, but has also forgotten what they had for breakfast. UNM: Builds streetwise rock stars into major personalities.

CREEM: Likes Bob Seger, but is embarrassed about it.

UNM: Stands profoundly in favor of strict controls on nuclear energy.

CREEM: Wants to nuke Iran.

UNM: Features non-musical personalities on the cover and in full-length interviews.

CREEM: Has talked to David Lee Roth.

UNM: Culminates long-running feud with the Eagles in a softball game.

CREEM: Lets the air out of Dave Davies’ tires. UNM: Has main offices in New York.

CREEM: Has main offices somewhere else.

UNM: Is, disgusted by new version of Saturday NightLive.

CREEM: Has never seen Saturday Night Live, instead opting for reruns of “Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy.”

UNM: Will not be remembered two hundred years from now.

CREEM: Knows they will not be remembered twenty minutes from now.

Now I ask you, which magazine provides a valid, worthwhile use of personal reading time, one which will inform, entertain, amuse and amaze, and help one grow as a sensitive human being? NEITHER!! But CREEM is 25^ cheaper, and has more tits.

You win again.

RuddKeltz.Jr.

New York City, NY

DON’T CHEAT!

April 25, 3452 Anthropology Quiz: 20th Century American Culture

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the following quotes and answer the questions following which pertain to them.

—“Blood flows freely from his naked torso and face, but he just smiles the pop-eyed leer of the justly deranged.”

—“I was overwhelmingly impressed...especially the way he would zoom from side to side of the huge stage, and just keep going...”

—“I was overwhelmingly impressed with (his) manic performance contortions that evening.”

—“Wearing the gold lame, elbow length ladies’ gloves he bought at K-Mart, he rams a gloved hand down his pants to extract his favorite hunk of Oscar Meyer...”

—“I settle back to watch him fling the mike stand around; he writhes around in slow motion, with a whole new kind of lust for life.”

—“His incredibly limber muscles twitch and chase each other around his torso, like amphetamine-driven squirrels.”

-“He’s a LIVING LEGEND!”

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONS

1. The above question refer to what historical figure?

a) John Denver

b) Billy Graham ,c) Tom Snyder

d) James Osterberg

2. What was the occupation of this historical figure?

a) street sweeper

b) high school Spanish teacher

c) American congressman

d) unknown due to computer’s lack of comprehension of available data on the subject

3. What popular 20th century magazine first published the above quotes?

a) Dog World

b) True Detective Crime Log

c) Reader’s Digest

d) incomprehensible publication once termed, “America’s Only Rock ’n’ Roll Magazine”

4. Of the following quotes, select the one which the subject of this quiz was most well known for.

a) “Don’t be a wanker”

b) “Do ya think I’m sexy?”

c) “1 wanna be your dog”

d) “I’ve always loved the suburbs”

5. Which of the following artistic historical artifacts was created by the subject of this quiz?

a)The Texas Chainsaw Massacre h) “Secrets of Successful Hog Farming in Manitoba”

c) The Mona Lisa

d) Lust For Life

6. Which of the following contemporaries of the subject were reportedly great admirers of him?

a) Kukla, Fran and Ollie

b) Debbie Harry and David Bowie

c) Tom Snyder and John Lydon

d)Ronald Reagan and Wendy O. Williams

7. This historical figure seemed apparently to be obsessed with what part of his anatomy?

a) index finger

b) hair follicles

c) wisdom teeth

d) none of the above

8. The subject worked under which of the following pseudonyms?

a) Mark Twain

b) Iggy Pop

c) Loni Anderson

d) Jerry Falwell

9. The subject was sometimes cited as a prime influence on what musical movement?

a) big band revivals

b) punk

c) power polka

d) Antarctic whale chanting

10. Which of the following was a favorite culinary delight of the subject, immortalized by him in song?

a) dog food

b) creem cheese

c) frog legs

d) goober peas

Anonymous Brandon, FL

MUST MAKE SENSE IN EDMONTON!

In light of the recent controversy over Canada in your excellent mag, I feel it is my duty as a Canadian to write the following short story so that your readers will have more information on which to judge the validity of your statements.

A True Canadian Short Story The Setting: The quaint yet highly sophisticated Elmira, Ontario, Canada on a Friday eve.

As another party (social affair for those of you from L.A.) slumbers on, Darce ponders the situation.

Kassie is once again wishing he had more hands to grab with.

Hare is once again going to the fridge for an Export.

Schoose is once again wondering why twin brother, Cheetah, looks like a chesterfield.

Bill (The Lizard) is once again simultaneously farting and drinking.

Mel is once again in the British Werewolf phase.

Wood is once again making a bass out of himself.

Sam is once again doing the worm.

Bic is once again missing in action.

Max is once again out of cigarettes.

Ed is once again asleep.

Teenage Head is once again on the turntable.

Hopefully this will shed a little insight into the true meaning of being CANADIAN.

CREEM always rises to the top,

Dr. Darce

Calgary, Alberta

CANADA

DOGS HOWL AT MOON!

Just who does Rick Johnson think he is?? That jerk has got some nerve referring to Moon Martin as “dog genitals” and a wimp. (Dec. ’80, “Wimp JRock Will Never Die”). Moon Martin is one of his greatest performers of the ’80’s. He’s got more talent in his little fingernail than Rick Johnson could ever dream of having. Moon is a sweet guy who deserves much more than to be put down. Especially by your poor excuse for a magazine. So what, if Rick Johnson said that he loves Moon and gave Street Fever a good review. (Feb. ’81). It still doesn’t make up for what he called him. That is, if Rick Johnson has any ounce of class.

Moon Martin 4-evef

Karen Nutting & Lorraine Ham

Bellevue, WA

(If Rick Johnson had an ounce of class, it’d be cut with borax.—Ed.)

MR. WEATHERBEE WAS A PUNK ROCKER!

TO DAVID LEE ROTH:

HEY, MAYBE IF YOU LOOKED LIKE ELVIS COSTELLO YOU WOULDN’T BE SO PATHETIC! HO, HO, HAH, HAAAAH, HAAAAAAAAH!

REGGIE MANTLE FAN

MORRO BAY, CA

P.S. I’M SURE YOUR FANS WILL WRITE IN TO WHINE ABOUT HOW THE TALKING HEADS, IGGY POP, JIM CARROLL, THE JAM, CAPT. BEEFHEART, AND THE BUSBOYS ARE ALL FAGGOTS AND ALL THEIR MUSIC SOUNDS THE SAME AND THEN GO ON TO LIST THEIR FAVORITE BANDS, AMONG WHICH VAN HALEN AND LED ZLEEP ARE INCLUDED. HEY, THEY WANNA TALK “BORING” THEY OUGHTA READ THEIR OWN LETTERS.

P.P.S. EXCELLENT ARTICLES ON THE TALKING HEADS, IGGY POP, JIM CARROLL, THE JAM, CAPT. BEEFHEART, AND THE BUSBOYS, CREEMBOS.

P.P.P.S. THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON AS SOMEONE CONCERNED IN INDUSTRY CA. I’M SORRY, BUT ANYONE WHO SAYS PUNKS CAN’T READ OR TYPE CAN’T BE FOR REAL. .

MANDATORY NICE LETTER!

CREEM seems to be one of the only “rock” magazines left that can combine the old with the new. We’re all sick to death of Billy Joel and the Grateful Dead, but you’re not afraid to admit it for us; nor are you afraid to admit that the Clash are an established rock ’n’ roll band, already up there with the greats. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a ‘punker’ (may I die laughing that there is even such a thing anymore...), but in fact, a truly die-hard Who freak (thanks for the interview with Mr. T. in November...), but I faced the realization a year or so ago that we can’t cling to those old familiar sounds of the 60’s much longer—the world goes on and so must rock music. I think most of the kids in America are basically afraid of change. 1 can’t believe there is even a type of music called New Wave/Punk anymore—that is history and was history the minute American radio began playing that new kind of music. (We seem to be a bit behind...) Now it has all blended together. You can turn on the radio and hear such a complete blend of all kinds of music (Elvis Costello into Led Zeppelin) that even radio programmers are stumped! No one really knows where rock music is going, but it’s definitely not going backwards. I wish people would wake up and make room next to their AC/DC albums for the Pretenders. I really think CREEM is doing a great job in trying to make this happen by staying on top of things. In the words of the immortal Pete Townshend (Who, by the way, needs no defending...): ‘Long Live Rock.’ (He never said what kind of rock so let’s take it as meaning all rock!).

P.S. Thanks for the Jam article

P.S.S. I’m 21.

Sincerely,

The Real Me*

Philadelphia, PA

NO TIME FOR FLEA-COLLARS

I am writing this letter to personally thank you for the “Cassette Performances” articles. You saved me quite a bit of money with your up-todate information on cassette head cleaners and methods. I was quite ignorant of the possibilities and consequences of ignoring my cassette player. Again I thank you. Now to make sure my name and letter gets in the next issue of CREEM: Fuck, shit, punks, heavy metal, disco, new wave, sucks, rules, is great, promotes homosexuality and tooth decay.

Love and vicious kisses,

Timothy Canny

Fort Campbell, KY

(Yeah, I’m a soldier)

P.S. (another attempt to get this published) (cheap thrills) I want Elvis Costello as the next CREEM DREEM'.

(And you say you’re a soldier?—Ed.)

LETTER GETS PRINTED DUE TO ' HURRICANE SMITH MENTION!

Let’s face it, the new age is here. Notice I didn’t say new wave that’s been here and remains tried and true to form. But what was and shouldn’t be today, that’s the question. How to answer it, I know yer gonna ask. Well lemme tell youse Hubie Chickenz all about it.

1) Billy Altman is right. Bruce Springsteen can't sing. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna shell out 14 big ones to hear Mr. “Oh no, not Jersey again” Spruce MOAN his way through a few sides of vinyl. Uh-uh. No way. If I want to hear some off key singing, give me some classics like SLADE (remember them, ye of faint memory) at least they made the lack of singing in music fun. But really Bruce ain’t all that bad—Singing he is, writing he ain’t too bad. Hey, B.S., howabout sparing is your pipes and letting someone else sing your words of wit and wisdom. Manfred Mann’s version of “For You” is good, but the Greg Kihn Band’s version can’t be beat.

2) Speaking of which, how cum you CREEM guys never mention anyone from Berserkely? The Rubinoos, Modem Lovers, Earthquake and of course the Greg Kihn Band know how to rock good and great. With a lot more class than bozos like Zeppelin ever could. Which brings me to:

3) Led Zeppelin was a so called rock band,

Which no real music lover could stand,

Then Bonzo died

Too bad no one cried

Now thank God the stairway won’t again land. (Yes I’m a lyricist at heart) (I don’t even need a bootlegger Brucie, take a hint)

4) No matter how much any slimy crud cuts you CREEM guys down, don’t let it get' to you. You’re still as great as the Shaggs ever are. Or is that were? Or is that the Runaways? The Mutants? The Rick Johnsons? Hurricane Smith (the real grandfather of punk, try listening to “Oh, Babe, What Would You Say?” ten times straight at 78, you’ll see.)

5) The Number one band in the world is the Shirts. They’re closely followed by one of my faves the Joe Grunt Band. You’ll hear from them soon enough.

6) WVXW 8:20 a.m. is the only good rock in Richmond. XL-102 sucks Oscar Meyers.

8) “Habity habity, muffloaf, grunt.”—quote from the almighty Opie himself.

9) I’m rather tired of this.

10) Do something on 999 or you’ll be forcing me to invade your offices with Nina Hagen, Siouxsie Sioux, Joan Jett (my mom), and Bebe, where we’ll discuss the merits of hair spray until you expire from an overdose of purple hi-top radiation.

11) You don’t like what I say. Good ’nuff for me.

TEAR DOWN THE WALLS ROCK LIVES YET

Wearily, the Son of Joan Jett

Richmond, VA

P.S. This ought to rate Lynn Goldsmith’s address, phone number and Boy Howdy!

(Please refer to point #11.— Ed.)

VITAL CULTURAL TRIBUTE!

Stairway to 7-11

There’s a lady who’s had all the beer she can hold, On the stairway to 7-11. When she gets there she knows ’Though the doors are all closed, They’re not locked And the lights are all blazing.

Ooooh, ooooh, On the stairway to 7-11.

Thqre’s a sign on the wall But she wants to be sure, ’Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings. By the shelves in the back Hang the chips on a rack, V And the sign reads: “Doritos—“$1.19.”

There’s a feeling I get, Like I’m put to a test, As I stare at the hot foods— Debating. In my thoughts I have seen Clouds of smoke, Lost car keys, And my seats burned by friends Who sit waiting.

Oh, makes me wonder, Oh, oh, oh.

And it’s whispered that soon, With a small plastic spoon, I’ll be eating My microwave baked beans: And as they start to thaw, I reach out for a straw, And my Coke spills all over my blue jeans.

Oh, really makes me wonder, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yeah.

If there’s a bustle ,by the cooler, Don’t be alarmed now; It’s just some frat boys Buying more brew. And now you ponder your soaked levi’s, And you notice You’re dropping baked beans On your track shoes.

Your head is hummin’, and it won’t go, In case you don’t know; The lady’s callin’ you to join her. Chips in one hand, and in the other, A can of bean dip; You know she’s blown your last dollar.

Well... (guitar solo)

And as you stumble down the aisle, Red-eyed and laughing all the while, There stands the night clerk we all know, Who’s so polite and wants to show That ’though it’s late he’s quite a card; And when you’ve listened very hard, Your change will come to you at last, When things are totalled one & all— Push back the door, Then you fall— Down the Stairway to 7-11.

Tim Tarleton

Fairmont, WV