ELEGANZA
For some reason—incredible stupidity is the only one that comes to mind offhand— many of America’s fashion attitudes are being forged by the new administration. You know, Ronald Reagan...with Jane Wyatt, Elinor Donahue; Billy Gray, and, of course, Lauren Chapin as Kitten.
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Flush The Toilet, Ronnie... Not The Fashion!
ELEGANZA
by
J. Kordosh
For some reason—incredible stupidity is the only one that comes to mind offhand— many of America’s fashion attitudes are being forged by the new administration. You know, Ronald Reagan...with Jane Wyatt, Elinor Donahue; Billy Gray, and, of course, Lauren Chapin as Kitten. Was Steve Kiley speaking about this study in sagebrush sterility when he said: “With the proper medication, they can marry...have children... practically lead normal lives?” I dunno, but the point is: what does this mean to YOU? Even more importantly, what does it mean to ME??
The insidious problem can be jiffy-popped into two categories: guys and gals (sounds kinda natural, huh?). Although the prospects for both genders are equally bleak, there are profound differences in the shades of gray involved. Therein lies the whole ugly story. C’mon along with me as I put the Reagans under the fashion-o-scope only to find a foggy lens!
GALS: First off, Nancy “I can stop smiling now” Reagan’s favorite color is RED. Got that? Not blue (solid, dependable) or green (tranquil, natural) or even black (happy, somebody died), but the gaudiest hue ever huewn, RED! Is it mere coincidence that human eyes can discern no color lower in the spectrum?! I think not. Although Nance’s slogan might be “better red than dead,” in her case, who can tell the difference? Don’t wear red. And stop smiling, too.
Secondly, the First Mommy’s a perfect six. On a scale of 100, you ask? No, that’s her size!! Or maybe her IQ, I forget. Does this mean that you should be a perfect six, too? YES—but only if you’re 12 years old. Drink some milk and grow up.
Next, Mrs. R. wouldn’t be caught dead (her natural state) wearing something off the rack! Just what is this “rack,” anyway? Something she doesn’t have! Don’t worry, though, you can have one. And you should; it’s part of your natural development. Just make sure to drink lots of milk.
Oh yeah, Mrs. George “No Last Name Jokes” Bush grappled with the agony of dying her hair for the inaugural galas, but opted for her natural grayness in the end. This is the only healthy sign the 20-mule team turtles have shown, but it doesn’t count because WHO CARES?! With any luck we’ve seen-the last of Mr. and Mrs. Bush; let’s leave them consulting actuarial statistics in happy anticipation.
To sum it up, the Reagan administration will do for women’s fashions what the Ronco Steam-Away did for neat Christmas gifts. It’s always a good time to be rich, girls, but stupid, too? Wait for the blue light special and don’t smile, LAUGH!!
GUYS: Sure, he couldn’t clap in time to Donny Osmond’s wild rockin’ tune, "Ronnie B. Good,” but-COULD YOU?? The world’s oldest professional, Ronnie Reagan brings a new kind of solid.. .uh, dullness to men’s wear.
The bottom line with Ronnie is what’s right. You get the feeling he’d be happier .wearing his senile stagecoach duds, but he knows Nancy keeps a gun by the bedside. That’ll get him into the tux, Nancy, not to mention continued marital bliss.
Ronnie’s influence on men is bound to be less pronounced than Nance’s sartorial po-*wer over the unfair sex. I mean, you wanna dress like a 70-year-old man, be my guest.
The Frez’s influence will be more subtle (look it up, you Republicans), however. Men will be dressing more like men, as opposed to dressing like, what, salads? If you’re a corporate worm, it’s now OK to dress like a corporate worm, and don’t let anyone tell you different. When it comes to Mr. Reagan, though, talk will inevitably turn to men’s hairstyles.
This is mostly because the bizarre Reagan do is a cultural non sequitur as shocking as a truly reliable tampon product. Really, there’s not a hell of a lot you can say about Ronnie’s hair. It literally stands on its own merits.
Clothes-wise, it’s bound to be mildly interesting having a President who dresses with less imagination than Mister Rogers...but it probably won’t be downright exciting. It’s only on the hair-line that Ronnie comes to the fore. Whether or not this will carry him through his term in style remains to be seen.
As for the rest of him, four years of energetic sleep will probably be more rip-roaring than watching Ronnie change blue suits. Forty-four states might know their electoral minds, but when it comes to fashionable living you’re gonna trust the likes of Iowa, Utah, and Montana? Best idea to date: enroll iri a hair-dressing class at Western Illinois University and wait for Reagan designer Jeans or 1984, whichever comes first.
