THE BEST GOES ON

THE BEST GOES ON

Hot Rods To Hell

EAST LANSING, Ml— It’s another “New Wave” Monday at Dooley’s, a preppie-oriented showbar near the Michigan State University campus. A small group of decadent punks (some of them accounting majors from Grosse Pointe) have dressed in their hottest 1977 U.K. fashions to witness a performance by England’s Eddie and the Hot Rods. Despite the high energy being produced onstage, audience enthusiasm is low. “We’ll play some Sex Pistols songs if you’ll dance,” jokes lead singer Barrie Masters to little avail. One lone couple is on the dance floor for most of the band’s set. “This isn’t a new wave band!” complains one of the club’s trendy elitists. “Th$t drummer has hair below his shoulders!”

Ironically, Eddie and the Hot Rods were called “the ultimate punk rock band” by the British press in 1976 when Joe Strummer was still gigging with an R&B band called the lOlersand “the great rock ’n’ roll swindle” ws just a gleam in Malcolm McLaren’i eye. Spawned from the British pub rock scene (lead guitarist Dave Higgs was once a roadie for Dr. Feelgood), the Hot Rods were the first band to merge the “anything goes” spirit of ’60’s American garage rock with an aggression of late ’70’s British working class youth. The band was an overnight sensation in England where they were voted best new band of 1976 by both New Musical Express and Sounds, and the Hot Rods headlined “The First European Punk Rock Festival” with Nick Lowe and the Damned that same year.

‘mat?” Said The Cymbal Player

ZURICH, Switzerland—In a real blow to complaining moms and dads everywhere, a Swiss researcher has announced that classical music can make you just as deaf as roqk ’n’ roll, although not necessarily as stupid.

Octologist Juerg Frie tested 139 members of the Zurich Symphony Orchestra and found that 44% had hearing damage. The percussion and wind-instrument sections had the biggest earaches, where “buzzing, aching ears and loss hearing” are a daily occurejtce.

Frie say the problem is music that’s just plain too goddam loud, whether rock, classical or hula. However, he refused to comment on rumors that many orchestra members have been secretly listening to KrOkus albums.

Rick Johnson

Unfortunately, the “punk” label eventually backfired on the band.

“We were actually the first,” explains Masters, “but it was still called pub rock at the time. Then they invented the word ‘punk’ for the old American ’60’s thing and began using it to describe us. We thought it was great at first, but then ‘punk’ became a fashion thing in Britain. They forgot about music and were more interested in what people were wearing, so we opted out. We tried to explain everywhere we went that we weren’t ‘punk.’ We’re a rock band. We didn’t mind being called a garage band. That’s what we were. We spent years rehearsing in a garage. But ‘punk’ was just a title we got fed up with.”

Despite their contrary claims, the Hot Rods were often mistakenly lumped alongside the Sex Pistols during the early stages of their career. The two bands began a tour together in 1976 with the Pistols as supporting act, but the Hot Rods dismissed the band after only one gig at London’s Marquee club. The feud which ensued is legendary. “Malcolm‘McLaren couldn’t get them a gig when they first started because they Were dreadful musicians,” elaborates Masters. “Ed Hollis (the Hot Rods’ first manager) became pals with McLaren and told him we’d give the band a support. The press was there the first night, and Johnny said he was going to trash something. I told him not to because that’s not a good way to get gigs. He just stood there, and McLaren whispered in his.ear. Then he says, ‘Fuck off, you cunt,’ He’s just a little runt, so I picked him up. That was it. There were five or six press people around just as I was about to belt him, and there was something about it in the press every week after that. It was just a hype. It really wasn’t any sort of a bad time. It never came to fists. If it had, there would have been no contest.”

When the Pistols became a phenomenon, the fickle British press hegan to attack the Hot Rods for nof being “relevant” enough. Masters tends to shrug it off. “We hate politics. Basically, all we’re saying is do anything you want to do and have a good time. People don’t want a lecture when they go to a gig. We make a few suggestions, but we never tell people to follow anything.” As far as Lydon’s new role with PiL is concerned, Masters just makes a face. “It’s about as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike.”

Teenage Depression, the group’s first LP, entered the British top 30, and the band scored a Top 10 single with “Do Anything You Wanna Do” from their second LP, Life On The Line. But success in America hasn’t been nearly as rapid. The Hot Rods are currently on a third American tour, promoting their latest LP, Fish ’N’ Chips. The new album was produced by super sessionman A1 Kooper, who also contributed keyboards. Steve Weston has joined the Hot Rods on keyboards for the current tour, and newcomer T.C.—a dead ringer for the late Brian Jones— has replaced Paul Gray on bass. Guitarist Graeme Douglas, who played a predominant role on Life On The Line, recently left the band due to “personal differences.” Masters, Higgs and drummer Steve Nichol have been with the band since its inception.

NEW KISS MEMBERS, CONTINUED I

"It's obvious wo'ro oil washed up as a foursome," clucks the once-fam* ous Ace Frehley, "which is why we've asked these guys to liven things up I" New Kiss members Bola, Snort and Heathclirf, previously members of the Village People, have made Kiss the critical sensations they've always longed to be I "It's great," confides old guard Kisser Paul Stanley, "these guys ready know how to work an audience. First Bola throws his boomerang into the audience, then Snort runs down there to pick up whoever it knocked unconscious, and then Heathdiff actually eats the person onstage I" "It's new, it's avant-garde, and it's us I" smiles Gene Simmons. "And you should see these guys dance I"

If the apathetic , Dooley’s audience (which resembled the “still life” Masters sings about on “Ignore Them”) is any indication, American success may not be forthcoming for Eddie and the Hot Rods. Still, Masters says the band will continue whether they make it in this country or not. “It takes more than a few Americans to pull us down. We never worried about breaking England. All we want to do is keep playing. It would be easier if we made some money, but money has never been a source of real pleasure to me. ”

Dave Higgs agrees, stating what seems to be the band’s main pholosophy: “As lbng as we can get pissed every night, have a place to play and a place to sleep, that’s all that matters.”

Bill Holdship

5 YEARS AGO

Crowd Rleaser?

A Star-Studded Event! It was when Ritchie Blackmore’s divorce proceedings got underway in England. Blackmore, says the L.A. Free Press, named Jeff Beck, Tommy Bolin (who took over his slot in Deep Purple as well), Keith Moon and 12 roadies as correspondents in his wife’s disfavor.

Tonio K, Band Not

LOS ANGELES—After parting company with CREEM’s indefatigable photographer Bob Matheu, who was bound for the Gary Numan concert, I trekked down to the Whiskey, mildly curious about Tonio’s low grade infectious popularity, which has been growing over the last two years in L.A. I knew he was generally a mild rocker with session cats up the wazoo for a band, but damn it all...the cat’s got some good cynical lyrics. Inside, I noticed the beers were served in glass bottles for a change. That meant the management wasn’t worried about headknockers and Blackflag adolescents tearing up the place. I also noticed that the crowd was a disgustingly decent menage of college preppies and sweatered sorority sisters. What have I gotten myself into? I sat at the back and nursed my outsider attitude. The band came on and sure enough, they were the typical competent L.A. type “players”. Nice poof hairdos and drycleaned leather pants—just another bland band from the valley. Finally, Tonio came out dressed in sheik’s garb, sporting six guns and his trademark shades and pointed nose. After some inane remarks they kicked into the tunes I’d liked on his first album, like “Life In The Foodchain” and “Do The Funky Western Civilization/’ But, as I had feared, his band didn’t do more than deliver a distracted, competent rendition of the arrangements learned and drained of all spontaneity by repeated rehearsals (probably at Studio Instrumental Rentals), but underneath the affected patina of competence I sensed the potential for his tunes. Tonio seemed fo hide behind a week’s growth of Paul Butterfield-type beard, and his self-conscious theatrics pacified the Saturday night sensibility cro»"d. I wanted to stand up and yell at him to assassinate the players in his band and get some pimple-faced spite-rockers from Huntington Beach, but I wasn’t drunk enough. I left before he’d finished the set, pissed that I’d forked out the bread but hoping that Tonio would someday remove himself from the insulated elitism of L.A. “professionalism” that paralyzes the majority of conservative West' Coast music. Someday he may take some real chances and I’d like to be there to see it when he does. In the meantime, get a haircut.

Buddy Helm

BOOMTOWN ELTON?

"First they said my music was cheesy/' squeaks Elton John. "Someone said my music was 'Mickey Mouse/ Then I got a Good Rats album in the mail. Then someone stuck two mousetraps in my piano. All my porn videotapes were erased and filled with Tom £ Jerry cartoons. Someofle sent me the script to Midnight Cowboy and underlined all the lines by Ratso Rizzo. Then Annette Funicello called me up. I went to a drive-in to get away from it all, but they only showed Ben and Willard. The last straw was when someone replaced my pants with a buncha Minnle-sklrts." Smirked Elton, stroking his whiskers: "I hope they're happy now/"

TVI.Q. Hits Record Low

LAYFAYETTE, IND-If you can never quite follow the plot of Knots Landing, figure out what Lou and Mrs. Pynchon are arguing about, or simply under stand why Herve Villechaize even exists, you’re in good company.

Consumer psychologist Jacob Jacoby tested the tube smarts of nearly 3,000 carefully screened viewers and found that a whopping 96% misunderstood some or all of what they watched. Whopping?

The testees were shown clips from commercials, news and prime time series like Quincy aqd Flo. Then they were tested for basic comprehension of what they saw.

“Generally,” Dr. Jacoby concluded, “we found commercials were better understood than popular shows.” No surprise there, but what about the nearly unanimous duh-vote on dramas and sitcoms?

The big, important Mr. Scientist-face was stumped on that point, but suspected the answer lies somewhere between the two most popular viewer responses: “Why bother?” and “Who cares?”

Rick Johnson

Costello Legend Shrinks

BIRMINGHAM, MINobody cares about Elvis Costello except f6r Elvis Costello according to a recent CREEM poll.

This highly scientific study, conducted by certified CREEM editors for filler in the Beat Goes On section of their magazine, touched bases with untold thousands of people from all walks of life.

The poll was conducted in the following manner: People were called and asked one simple question, “Why won’t Elvis Costello talk to the press?” Opinions were varied and widespread, as, in fact, many have been calling the artist himself these days. Here’s the verdict:

WHY WONT ELVIS COSTELLO TALK TO THE PRESS?

* “Who’s he?”—Leo Feinberg, jeweller.

*: “He won’t talk to the press because people will find out he’s got a navel the size of a fist. ”— Mark J. Norton, CREEM Associate Editor.

* “I don’t know how to say it in English.”—Amira Scoczylas, CREEM Comptroller.

* “Why in my opinion what?”— Gary Grimshaw, CREEM Asso-. date Art Director.„

STING VICTIM OF STRANGE COMPULSION 11

Sting, hsart throb of millions and singing bassist with pop group Tho Police, has become the third reported victim of a crippling disease I Called Porkchopitis, this new killer disables those if infects by forcing them to continuously eat I "Can it with these dopey Freudian references,” insists the weeping-Sting between gulps, "and bring me some more Cool Whip I” The prognosis? A nearby doctor tells all: "The poor chump’ll eat ’til he drops dead. A real tragedy.” Sting's response: "Where’d I put that chocolate cake?” Tragic question: How can he go to the policeman's ball when he already looks like one?

* “Why?”—Jack Kronk, CREEM Subscription Manager.

* '‘Are you serious? Is this a riddle?”— Ginny Cartmell, CREEM Assistant Art Director.

* “Gee, I don’t know...”—Sandy Hanson, CREEM Direct Sales.

* “I didn’t know he wouldn’t.”—

Edouard Dauphin, CREEM columnist. ' *

* “If he lost his glasses he wouldn’t be able to read his interviews!”—Cheetah Chrome.

“Elvis suffers from what is known in the rock critic field as ‘premature ejerkulation.’ That is to say, like his brother Radar O’Reilly, Elvis has the unfortunate tendency to answer the interviewer’s question before he’s asked it.”—Jeffrey Mor,gan, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “Maybe his grammar is as bad as mine. ”—Lili Karwowski, proprietor of Lili’s Bar, Hamtramck.

“Image.” —Jim Farber, CREEM writer.

* “Jake Riviera, is trying to do a Bob Dylan trip with him.”—Bob Matheu, CREEM photographer.

* “Deep in his heart he’s really an illiterate. All he does is play war word games.”—Joe Fernbacher, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “He doesn’t have to.”—J. Kordosh, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “Because he’s afraid of stupid questions. And that’s certainly what he’d get from me!”—Rick Johnson, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “Because he’s a smart guy.”— Richard Riegel, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “I can’t think and I don’t care.”—Divine, movie star.

* “I’m quite satisfied with the situation.”—Jeff Stein, director of The Kids Are Alright.

* “Honey, I think you asked the wrong person.”— Edith Massey, movie star.

-*■ “Has anybody ever talked to him?”—Mitch Ryder.

* “He’s learned his lesson.”— Bebe Buell.

* “This is a poll?”—Richard C. Walls, CREEM Contributing Editor.

* “Maybe he has a skeleton in his closet.”—Rick Derringer.

* “Elvis will do anything to get a good review—and he doesn’t like to talk with his. mouth full.”—Jerry Vile, Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture.

‡ “No comment.’*—Jane Berk, Columbia tour publicity.

Sid Gallup

Mama Liked Chilidogs

PARIS—After a 20-year survey of dietary effects on fetuses, French pediatrician Joseph Stokowski claims that over 80% of pregnant women pick the sex of their rugrat without realizing it.

The trick is accomplished by eating salty foods for boys and cheese for girls. Stokowski found that the intake of minerals such as sodium, calcium and potassium is a major factor in determining whether baby gets a pinky or a dinky.

Incidentally, the Doc did his studies on reptiles, not people. So think twice before you go tossing any more Cheet-Ohs to your alligator.

Rick Johnson

You Should See The Buns!

HALIFAX, CANADAThe official line on hotdog ingredients has always been “anythingslow-to-inanimate.” Some actually contain more beef than rat signatures, but most weiners are wrung out of the Dead Meat Pile.

Now researchers here at Mount St. Vincent U. have developed what they consider to be a better hot dog. The contents: cod and squid meat. Mmm-mmm!

Squidogs do have their advantages: fewer calories, less fat and more protein. Also, these tasty codpuppies would be considerable cheaper to produce. Says researcher Eileen Leblanc, “There’s lots of fish available, so why not make better use of our maritime resources?”

Good question, Eileen! Of course in Halifax, there are lots and lots of moose turds available too.

Chew on that one for awhile franks fans.

Rick Johnson