MAIL

MAIL.

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box.P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

JOHNSON BONER EXPLAINED!

The Heavily-Into-Numbers branch of the Ranger Institute has just completed the statistical analysis of the 1980 CREEM Reader’s Poll, with special attention on the tragic, unexpected results of the Rock Crydick portion, which this year was sleazed by the ever-unlikely Rick Johnson.

Tall scientists from The Institute asked the following question of voters: “Why in the world did you ever vote for Johnson?” Here’s the breakdown:

5%—Same first or last name.

9% — Easiest to remember or spell.

10% — Paid to do so by candidate.

14%—Influenced by the last-minute “Every vote for me is another naij in Canada’s coffin!” TV ads during Dallas.

62 %—Thought to themselves: “Well shit, 1 figure we already elected one fascist pig this year, so why not go ahead and elect Rick too?”

I hope these figures will be useful in preventing a recurrence of this stunning international boner.

. Rusty Coathanger

Head Boohoo

Ranger Institute

Macomb, IL

PUBLIC NOTICE!

Once again, I would Tike to take this opportunity to publicly thank those CREEM readers who voted for me in the Rock Critic Of The Year category of CREEM’s 1980 Readers Poll.

And, even though I once again fell short of claiming a position in the Top Ten, I would like to show that there are no hard feelings by also taking this opportunity to congratulate “Ranger” Rick Johnson on being offensive enough to cop top honors. Yank.

Finally, I would like to inform those CREEM readers who didn’t vote for me that I have been forwarded copies of all your ballots—and that those of you who signed your name and address can rest assured that you will be receiving a small token of my appreciation in the mail. Soon.

Jeffrey Morgan

Toronto, Ontario

CANADA

BOZ SCAGGS AT THIRD,

BILLY SWAN AT BAT!!

Well at least Bob Seger’s and Bruce Springsteen’s initials coincide with the music they play.

Leonard Armacost

Carson, CA

MORE USELESS INFO!

Here are my 1981 predictions:

1) Ronald Reagan will leave the Presidency in July, only to be informed that he is still President and has over three years left in his term.

2) The ghost of Elvis Presley will visit Truman Capote, scaring the hell out of him.

3) Ted Nugent will join forces with the Knack on their next live album, assuring that it won’t be a hit.

4) Rosalyn Carter will send Billy back to Libya in an under-fueled plane. Billy will have no comment. >

5) Jim Stafford of Those Amazing Animals will emerge as the Anti-Christ. Series co-star Burgess Meredith will express surprise, saying, “He seemed like a nice guy.”

6) In an effort to regain lost rating, Mork and Mindy will become Mork And Mindy And Ted And Alice.

7) Doobie Brother Michael McDonald will change his name to Clarence Flanningan. He will not explain why.

8) Dick Van Patten of Eight Is Enough willdrop his pants on an upcoming Tonight Show while excitedly telling Johnny Carson about his vascectomy.

9) A previously unreleased episode of I Dream . Of Jeannie will come to the attention of the public. It’s the “Who Shot Tony” episode. It will turn out to be long-time buddy Roger. Roger will comment that it was “either him or Bob Newhart.”

10) Van Halen’s David Lee Roth wjll cut his hair and be widely mistaken for Elvis Costello.

Thank you very much,

Your friend,

BobB.,

Liberal, KS

([11] People from Kansas will go outand get jobs and stop wasting people’s time. —Ed.)

KORDOSH BODY IN GRAVE CONTROVERSY!

I just had to write to congratulate you on your latest addition to the staff, the amazing John R. Brown. His articles in the February issue were awe-inspiring. The witty piece on the breaking of oplatek would have been enough to convince me, but that article on Dallas really stole the kiszka! I hope to see more of his work in later issues.

By the way, Brown’s style seems awfully similar to that of another of your writers, the quasi-mythical J. Kordosh. And that brings me to the point of this letter. I’ve been pondering this for several days, even losing sleep over it, and now I simply have to know: are J. Kordosh and John R. Brown the same person? Please answer this one honestly.

Forever last in the American League,

D. Normalski Detroit, MI

(Wrong. John R. Brown only has two

kids.-Ed.)

SNIDE MISSIVE!

I just played Stiff Little Fingers’ “Nobody’s Heroes” for three friends, and did more for New Wave than CREEM has done in the last year. Get the picture?

Dubiously Yours,

Burt Myers, Jr.

Port Crane, NY

(Do readers still think handicapped people don’t have a sense of humor?—ed.)

ACID CULTURE HEALTHY Robot A. Hull’s article on psychedelia, “Journey To The Center Of The Mind,” was ah illuminating and rewarding exploration into a period of rock history that is much maligned and little understood. I was overwhelmed by the deep knowledge shared by the author, as dramatized by his discussion of acid albums that I had never even known existed, or bands that nationly vague legends to me. To see a national publication finally give the spotlight to long overlooked bands like the Thirteenth Floor Elevators and Red Crayola! This is commendable.

But in the vein of constructive criticism, I noticed many albums listed in his charts which were not psychedelic in the least, although they helped set the stage for what would later follow. These included San Francisco Roots, Jefferson Airplane Takes Off, and to a lesser degree Grateful Dead (the first album of the Dead). Certainly the classic acid albums for these last two bands were After Bathing At Baxters and Live Dead, and of course the already-listed Anthem Of The Sun. Who could not mention “Dark Star” from Live Dead in any discussion of essential psychedelic music? And sadly missing is any mention of the great live Fillmore performances of Quicksilver Messenger Service captured on Happy Trails, a mandatory psychedelic album.'

On the other hand I can forgive Hull for forgetting to mention one of the great acid rock visionaries, Skip Spence of Jefferson Airplane and Moby Grape. His quintessential psychedelic masterpieces, “Seeing” from Moby Grape ’69 and “War In Reace” from his solo album Oar are on albums that are virtually impossible to find, Oar having sold only 700 copies worldwide. But in my book these two songs capture the elevated and transcendentawareness and vision of this era in a way that few other psychedelic compositions attained. Hopefully Spence’s works will find their deserved niche in rock history just like Hull has helped to do with other sadly overlooked masterpieces from the psychedelic era.

Douglas Hawes Oakland, CA

GOODYEAR FOR BALTIMORE

Letter to Richard Riegel: thanks for introducing me to Jim Carroll & his band, I just bought it and can’t stop playing it. You made it sound just the thing to hear. How about an in-depth article on the guy? He’s pretty good, yes? I love the track “It’s Too Late,” and hey, can anybody translate Nina Hagen’s album for me? what’s she saying? Is she happy? Thanks for the Wendy O. Williams CREEM Dreem, I love your magazine, I really do.

i Q: What’s the difference between a Canadian and a tire?

A: A tire is round.

I made that up, just for you.

Mark (the Goose) in Baltimore, MD

P.S. And thanks for the John Waters article. Local boy makes pages of CREEM! His mother must be proud.

(Or eating eggs. —Ed.)

NO BOOTLEG AVAILABLE!

Dear Bruce Springsteen,

My name is Mary. I’m seventeen. MAKE ME PREGNANT! PLEAAAASSSEEE!

Love,

Mary Queen of Ohio

a.k.a. Vanessa Vermin person friend of Sissy' Slitch, punk rocker at large.

Cincinnati, OH

MORAL MINORITY! ha-lofrieend;

this is the most reverend bu-ford k.k.k. savethesouth. i am heere to tell y’all that i have seen the light and the light is bright, yes, mah frieends in christ, i want y’all to bow yo paure leetle heads. and sing, i say-a sing out loud and be sure to teell eva-bodi that jee-sus was here and told me to teel y’all to buy consolidated steel, yes mah friends, buy now while the price is high so the reverend can cash in like the goood lord intended, i saay, , yyaaaa-yaaf; frieends y’all kin be save-ed by jus’ donating a small amount, like say a hundred bucks, so keep that cash a-rollin’ in. bless y’all, and they lord be with ya. sinceYely,

the most reverend bu-fors k.k.k. savethesouth church of the divine country-time lemonade 4 confederate avenue roberte. lee. TN

send that donation today and be save-ed. (Someday all people will be created equal. -Ed.)

TEACHER, TEACHER I loved your article last month on Rockpile. “Seconds Of Pleasure, Years Of Drinking.” I had hours of fun reading it. I think I’m in love! Wow! Dave Edmunds is the most absolutely gorgeous doll in the world! Is he married? Does he fool around? Can I go in search of?

Crawlin’ from the tablecloth,

Rosie

Euclid, OH

(And sometimes he even plays music, tool—Ed.)

JONSON WONT SUM TWO!

Rik Jonson reel dum. Why he say Van Halen no good. I think they neat. He dumm. B-52’s and Talking Heads reel good too. And Ted Nugent. Why you rite about Neel Young and Pete Towns Hend. They don’t play loud enuff. Your hole mag suks dik.

Singned,

David Lee Roff Baltimore, MD

P.S. I wood tipe this but no tipe wrider is in ABC order. So excuse the felt tip ink pen. They " won’t let us use anyting sharper wher I live at.

P.P.S. Why you make fun of my chest? I kant help it if I am a late bloomer.

P.S.S.S. Drug users dumm. Why kant evyone be normal and cool licke me?

BOOK OF LISTLESS!

America’s Top 10 Female Vocalists:

1. Deborah Harry

2. Debra Harry

3. Debbie Harry

4. Debby Harry . 5. Miss Harry

6. Ms. Harry

7. Deb Harry

8. Blondie

9. Debrah Harry

10. Rod Stewart Blondie Forever,

Rob Rock,

Hilton Head, SC

P.S. I’ve seen all of these and I’d like to strangle each fucker who messes her name up again.

P.P.S. The correct spellings are Deborah Harry and Debbie Harry. I P.P.P.S. You’re lucky you never screwed it up.

P.P.P.P.S. No offense to Pat Benatar, Chrissie . Hynde, Rachel Sweet, Marianne Faithfull, Lene Lovich, Cindy Wilson, Kate Pierson, and all the rest.

(How about to us?—Ed.)

HE’S BACK!

Alright people, some fair warning. This guy I know, Trevor C., a faithful CREEM reader (yes, there are such things) has made it known io me that he finds your letters pages are getting very boring lately. And why? BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT PRINTING ANYTHING BY ME ANYSee, he usually likes my letters. So do I, come to think of it. At any rate, should you continue this totally unacceptable shelving of my printed missives I’m afraid he’ll be forced to STOP READING YOUR MAGAZINE. Know what that means? That’s right, no two day vacation without pay in Philadelphia for Dave DiMartino this year! HA!

But anyway. You know I missed the January CREEM. First time in about two years that that’s happened. I just couldn’t find the fucking thing anyplace, but two of my friends got it and I saw the as-close-as-nude-as-you’ll-ever-get pictures of Pat Benatar who doesn’t, use sex to sell her records or so she says. Uh-huh. And that’s why she’s always wearing clothes that make you want to fuck her brains out on a rock under moonlight. I think she stinks. She RUINED Kate Bush’s wonderful “Wuthering Heights” and speaking of Kate Bush why can’t I find Lionheart anyplace? Oh well. Nice to see pictures of my heroine Wendy O. Williams rubbing herself with shaving CREEM (ha-ha, big joke, no?) which of course will represent sperm to all those degenerates out there who read this magazine and buy Van Halen records. That of course was a tautology. Anyone who buys Van Halen records is automatically a degenerate and I needlessly repeated the point.

, As for myself, I view the shaving cream as being the sexual frustrations of the Victorian male represented in an impressionistic way on Wendy’s pantheistic breasts with a Kafkaesque idiom underlying the inherent theosophical connotations implied in the Machiavellian photography as viewed thru the punk/bohemian aesthetics of an obviously pimple-faced college lit Student with heavy interests in the dialectics of Donee, Irish Mythology and Maud Gonne’s masturbatory habits while looking at pictures of W.B. Yeats in drag.

And no, I haven’t the slightest idea what any of that bilge means, but it sounds impressive, style is content, the new Clash album is GREAT, I bet Billy Altman hates it which is O.K. because everyone hates Billy Altman but who cares anyway because Ron Reagan won and you stupid leftoes will finally get what you deserve hip-hip-hooray.

And on that cherry note I leave you. I gotta finish reading Testament Of Youth which as of page 200 is better than the T.V. adaptation, which was fucking fantastic. It’s a long way to Tipperary...

Disinfectantly yours,

Peter “who gives a fuck” Eicher

Jackson Hgts., NY

P.S. I went to the doctor today, see, because I get nose bleeds, see, and they treated my blood for V;D. True story, I swear! I just wanna know why V.D.?

Do not despair, though, I can GUARANTEE you that LDON’T have V.D. And anyone who can make that claim at the age of 19 is in very bad shape socially speaking.

V.D.?? I should be so lucky.

(There are many who would agree.—Ed.)

MORE “DEEP” LETTERS!

The two biggest questions currently plaguing mankind are 1) Will Ronald Reagan really drop the bomb? and 2) What do we do with Canada?

Well, I know how to answer both questions at once! Just phone Ronnie, tell him you’re Pierre Trudeau and you think John Wayne and Knute Rockne were both fags, then ask him if Bonzo was a good lay!

Next month: How to have fun with your Congressman’s wife, girlfriend, or mother. Or, with his wife’s girlfriend’s mother!

Michael Lewis

Mansfield, OH

EVERYTHING BLURTS IF YOU LET IT!

Cheap Trick’s new album eat phlegma. The only redeeming quality here is Robin Zander’s voice (and the fact that he almost looks like a man on the cover). No wonder Tom left. Rick Nielsen, you are King Feeb in my book. Your face looks like a whoopee cushion; your songs sound like one.

Yours Truly,

Earlene Navajo

Houston, TX

RIVETHEADS REVOLT!

Dear “Mr” Rick Johnson,

[In reference to your Heavy Metal Review/Oct., 1980 Issue.]

I’ve read your article on Heavy Metal, and your review of various HM albums. I’ve heard your opinion, and now, I would APPRECIATE it if you Would listen to mine.

I’ve been contemplating exactly what I would like to say, and since I can’t decide which of my opinions to use, I will disclose both of them to you.

OPINION NO. 1: FUQ. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no taste in music whatsoever. Your name should be Dick instead of Rick.

BUT, being the well-mannered person that I am, I will apologize for opinion No. 1—I’m SORRY—Now, to continue.

OPINION NO. 2: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect yours, even though I don’t agree with it. Don’t you think that your review might have been just a bit too critical? (Nauseating would be the more appropriate word for it.) (In MY opinion.) Don’t you have ANY regard for other people’s feelings??? If you liked ‘Disco’ I wouldn’t degrade you for it. YOU, Mr. Rick Johnson, have ‘degraded’ millions fo. people, including me, by calling us all “Rivetheads.” JUST because we like getting wasted and listening to HM, doesn’t give you the right to treat us, or our favorite groups, like illiterate, untalented, completely oblivious ‘objects.’ Most of us are very intelligent, and, most of us are EVEN considerate of OTHER people’s FEELINGS. (which is more than I can say [at the moment] for YOU.)

Respectfully,

L.Y.

‘Kris Simmons’

UNFORTUNATELY from Ebensberg, PA—home of the RED NECKS. P.S. CREEM is still a great magazine P.P.S. I LOVE N.Y. &Rock&Roll (Rivethead. —Ed.)

KISS FAN STILL EXISTS!

I just finished reading your February issue. So you assholes finally managed to get KISS in your rag without makeup. BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL!!! KISS js the best Rock & Roll band of all time. Makeup or no fuckin’ makeup!!! You shitheads seem to put down KISS more than you put down Canada! Why don’t you all just fuck off!!!???

You can’t knock a band that pulls in over a hundred and fifty million bucks a year! You know I’m right, so you probably won’t print this letter unless you can think of some stupid fuckin’ comment to write below.

I tore out the one good picture of KISS and threw the rest in my cat’s litter box. You see, I don’t like cats.

MUCH later,

Exciter,

New York (Rock City), NY P.S. Your magazine sucks!

P.P.S. Hey Ed, don’trankon Peter Criss. He’s probably your father!

P.P.P.S. As long as I have a face, Rachel Sweet will always have a place to sit.

(And dogs will always have a place to walk. —Ed.)

PUCKS FLY SOUTH FOR THE WINTER!

After having to endure the endless criticisms by our northern neighbors and others in general, I feel I have to make a statement. Please read on.

First: All you Canucks should stop your complaining and remember that CREEM is a lot better entertainment that watching your national hooligans chase a little piece of rubber across a freezing sewer.

Second: Life in Birmingham is so far superior to spending one’s entire existence in a down jacket that no other comments are needed.

Third: I’m convinced if it hadn’t been for CREEM, Canada would still think the Guess Who and the Stampeders played rock.

Final: Anyone who doesn’t think Eddie Van Halen is the GREATEST rock guitarist is obviously the same type who doesn’t believe the USA landed on the moon.

Yours truly,

Guy Iajerk Birmingham, MI

(Actually they landed in Vancouver—but hey, what’s the dif?—Ed.)

UPSIDE DOWN AND ITS A “V"! It must be considered “cool” in some circles to be ignorant and naive of the social status which currently surrounds us. What’s even cooler is the ability to make a joke of everything whether we understand it or not. January’s CREEM Dreem, Siduxie Sioux, is just one such example. It was really great of you to run her picture, you’re one of the few magazines that would, but why the pun? We’ve come to two conclusions. Either you knew what she was doing but didn’t acknowledge it or you were totally blind to it and didn’t realize she was contorting her body to' form an “A” for anarchy. The page itself serves as a border, so the symbol is therefore self-contained. We thought it was most effective. You, of course, used it as another slam to the Canadians, and it was fairly humorous. However, we can think of better targets to aim media-manipulative missies at rather than the Canadians.

Thank You

The Taj Mahole

Norfolk, VA

STUFF IT

Pip pip and hello good editors! It is I, Sir Reginald Lesley Winston Fartholemew III, noted botanist, archeologist, stamp collector, big game hunter and professor of Brixton University. I am currently studying a phenomenon known as Heavy Metal, or “Rockinrollicus Obnoxious”. It seems these creatures, long believed to be extinct, still roam the earth! Strange but true. Although hated by nearly eveyone, persecuted and forbidden to live in certain concert halls, these screaming monstrosities are today enjoying a new popularity from many young people who ignore their dangerous characteristics, and have been given sanctuary by, of all places, AM radio!

The Rockinrollicus Obnoxious are easily recognized; they range from very young to very old, are huge, hairy and emit a screeching roar that can cause deafness. They feed primarily on hallucinatory plants, and display an insatiable sex appetite. Seen any in your neighborhood, hmmmmm?

I am currently planning a big game safari where I hope to hunt and kill some of these evolutionary wortders. I am particularly interested in certain species; i.e. the “Young Angus” (never sits still) the “David Lee” (often mistaken for female) the “Motor City Madman” (loves torture and selfabuse) and a very old and feeble species, the “Zeppelin,” a once majestic animal who has spawned many offspring. The female of the species is far more cunning, experts will agree. It uses its dazzling beauty to lure its victims into its deadly grip. Truly, the Benatar is the most alluring and most dangerous adversary, only for the fittest of hunters. Cannot wait to get that temptress stuffed and mounted next to my Hendrix-skin rug! Jolly good, that.

Anyone interested in joining my expedition, please contact me c/o Rick Johnson. Be sure you are well-equipped with elephant guns, teargass bombs, plenty of cannabis (for bait) and most important, ear plugs!

Cheerio, mates!

Yours,

Sir Reginald Lesley Winston Fartholemew III

Cleveland, OH

P.S. Keep up the excellent journalism. Less heavy metal and more everything else (especially Rick Johnson).

BRING ON THE PUBILES!

Thanks, Toby, for your very positive STRANGLERS article! As the only two female STRANGLERS devotees probably not mentioned in the article, we think it’s time to “Straighten Out” poor Toby on whether or not she is masochistic.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8

First of all, neither of us are masochistic females, but we find .ourselves drawn to the STRANGLERS. After patiently waiting almost three years to see the guys again, our fondest dreams (nightmares, as some might think) were answered. We were lucky enough to see them on both their first American gigs—Philadelphia in ’78 and Cherry Hill in ’80. (Cherry Hill being the start of an unending dream of being “Strangled”).

We don’t feel we are being masochistic following them to New York, across the states to California, over the border into Canada, south to Washington and back north to New York again. This was possible through the help of four extremely nice people—Dave, Hugh, Jean Jacques, and Jet. We feel our presence was more than welcome and certainly appreciated.

Is masochism crying for the injustice of Hugh’s imprisonment, or waiting patiently for the results of the December 2nd trial in Nice, France for J. J., Hugh and Jet’s “incitement of a riot”? Is masochism drooling over the sight of J.J. Bumel? If it is, then you’re guilty, Toby.

By the way, since we were present at the photo session taken prior to this interview, we’d like to know why did Creem use an old pic? (Yep, we noticed—Dave doesn’t have a mustache anymore and J.J. never goes anywherq without his “horsehair” sweater-and do we detect Hugh wearing a gray coat or is itoiir imagination?)

To sum this up, we’d like to make a few final statements. Nd 1 —Jet is not nearly as frightening as he appears. No. 2—Hugh Cornwell IS a nice guy. No. 3—Dave is not Ray Manzarek. No. 4 —Yes, J.J. is a sex symbol. Oh, and isn’t going to a Van Halen concert, being smashed against a stage with 30,000 people a helluva lot more masochistic???

WAITING FORJHE MENINBLACK!!

Pam and Natalie Philadelphia, PA

P.S. Hugh Cornwell does not eat young female journalists for breakfast—’tis a pity! (Depends on your definition of d Rice Kris pie. -Ed.)

LET THERE BE LIGHTHEADS (S)Our “Creem”, who aft at 7-11 Hollowith beer thy brain.

Help Canada become The home of the Punks If possible, as it is in England.

We give you each month your “dealing” bread.

So forgive us for disco

As we forgive you for Rick Johnson.

And lead us not to heavy metal,

And deliver us from Zeppelin.

For thine is the Kinks-dom,

And the Power of the Punk And the glory of the Clash Until my subscription runs out.

Amen.

May the force be with you Funk the Punk.

Saginaw, Ml

P.S. Tell Arnold Stang he’s the chosen one. Don’t ask me why.

(We’re still on our knees... —Ed.)

COULD HAVE WATCHED TV INSTEAD!

The following is a list of groups who suck: 1. The Clash. 2. The B-5^’s. 3. The Pretenders. 4. The Germs. 5. Devo. 6. The Vapors. 7. The Specials. 8. The Dead Kennedys.

This next list is of bands that kick ass: 1. AC/DC 2. Rush 3. Aerosmith4. Cheap Trick. 5. Judas Priest. 6. U.F.O. 7. Nazareth. 8. Ted Nugent. 9. Mahogany Rush. 10. Rainbow.

This last list is of people who could beat the crap out of Joe Strummer:

1. Angus Young-. 2. Malcolm Young. 3. Ted Nugent. 4. Rob Halford. 5. Steven Tyler. 6. Geddy Lee. 7. Robin Zander. 8. Pat Benatar. 9. The Wilson Sisters. 10. My friend’s little sister. Sincerely,

The Ass Kicker Seal Beach, CA

(The Library Of Congress needs people like you. Not us.—Ed.)