NINE OR TEN UNBELIEVABLY INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT DIRE STRAITS

Part 1: THE ADJECTIVE CRISIS.

Enigmatic. Cinematic. Stark. Sinuous. Thoughtful. Shimmering. Quasi-mythical. Otherworldly. These are only a small sample, but by now you must have read all the adjectives (and adverbs) that describe Dire Straits and/or lead guitarist Mark Knopfler. Unfortunately, it is my sad duty to report that all conceivable adjectives that writers are permitted to use in regard to these musicians have been exhausted! Used up! The limits of the language have been reached. As I wistfully lay aside my thesaurus, then, I am forced, in strict accordance with rock writer's code of ethics (First Law: Whine for more money) to write about Dire Straits in hitherto unknown terms.

When faced with a dilemma of this magnitude, it is only possible to write about facts. (This word, by the way, is rarely used by rock writers and, to the best of my memory, never by myself.) This has involved the odious burden of research, a disagreeable, almost disgusting activity. It has also entailed watching and listening to Dire Straits in concert, actually speaking to members of the band, reading liner notes and other material, and—the most repulsive and loathsome, activity of all—dealing with a Warner Brothers promo representative! And just when you thought it was safe to go back into the concert hall!

It was only after this inhuman effort that I was able to lay down the following unbelievably interesting facts about Dire Straits. Some of them are Sure to strain your own credulity by their fantastic and preposterous implications, but they are, to the best of my knowledge, true and interesting and stark and cinematic.

Part 2: YOU WONDER WHY I ALWAYS DRESS IN BLACK

OK, Dire Straits fans, it's time to arm yourself with incredible facts. Be the despair of your enemies and the envy of your friends! Did you know that...

•Dire Straits come from Great Britain, which is an island nation real far from here.

•They've released three albums in the U.S., all on the prestigious Warner Brothers label: Dire Straits, Communique and Making Movies. As a group, these LPs constitute a durable, non-toxic trilogy of entertainment.

•Bass player John Illsley once ran a record store that was largely unsuccessful. 'We tried to stock too many good records,' he explained cheerfully. V

•Dire Straits have never been pictured on the front cover of any of their albums. Warner Brothers has never explained this baffling phenomenon.

•Mark Knopfler plays a red Stratocaster guitar and has a handsomely appointed matching guitar strap.

•Almost everyone in the band is shorter than the average mature American male.

•Dire Straits have averaged eight-andone-third songs per album. This works out to a niggardly one song for every four rpm.

•They've had a film made based on their latest LP, Making Movies, but haven't decided on a title-for it yet! (How about Making Records?)

•They come from England, which is part of Great Britain, which is an island. Or a nation. Or two mints in one. It's pretty far from here, though.

•Don't worry, I'll have more amazing facts for you later on. Right now, it's time to get to the Hamburger Helper of this story namely...

Part 3: THE CONCERTI THE PROMO GIRL! THE COP! AND EVEN DIRE STRAITS!

Dire Straits played suburban Detroit on their most recent American tour. I. was there, so what follows IS A TRUE STORY.

Trouble plagued the show early'on. It seems the lights were interfering with the sound system, causing an annoying buzz whenever the colorful overhead lights were on. This delayed the concert for more than an hour. Finally, the MC briefly described the problem and told ~ the audience that Dire Straits had only two choices: either cancel the show or play, using only white spotlights! What a terrible fix! What would they do?? As cries of dismay filled the theater, the MC boasted (as if he had anything to do with it), 'Dire Straits have never canceled a concert! Won't you give a warm Detroit welcome to...' (This last bit about them never canceling led me to suspect that he'd just been kidding the audience all along. Why, I'll bet thay never had any intention of calling off the show. I could be wrong though.)

:>■ As the PA played the last strains of a tape of the theme from 'A Fistful of Dollars,' keyboardist Alan Clark picked up on the riff and the band fiddled with it for a few droll moments. At ten bucks a seat, that was some kind of honest introduction. After that, though, it was all Dire Straits—which means all Mark Knopfler. His every move was cheered by the partisan crowd.

No doubt about it, Knopfler is an exceptional guitarist. He played many enigmatic notes, stretching them quasimystically and cutting them short sinuously. He even played as cleanly as he does on record. How clean was his guitar, Johnny? Well, whenever a spotlight hit the metal parts, it practically blinded me. He must have really polished that thing before the show.

The new, improved Dire Straits—Mark's brother, David, left the band after the first two albums, perhaps fearing he might fall victim to the incurable 'Dave Davies Syndrome'—were, in all honesty, tight and workmanlike. Besides Knopfler and Illsley, original drummer Pick Withers remains with the group; Clark and rhythm guitarist Hal Lindes are the new guys. I can't tell if they're otherworldly or not yet.

Anyway, they were real entertaining, playing songs from all three albums like they picked 'em out of a hat. Knopfler humorously introduced 'Romeo and Juliet' (off Making Movies) as 'a song known to this degenerate bunch as 'Hoolio and Hooliette'.' And they all wore black pants. And they even disposed of 'Sultans of Swing' in the middle of the show; a remarkable display of confidence in their material. Of course, on the yang side, Knopfler did seem to have trouble singing, sounding more like Lou Reed than the wellknown Christian tunesmith I'd expected. And they did very nearly cut their throats when they did 'Nadine' as one of their many encores. But who's complaining?

After the show, I started to go backstage to get the inside story and maybe a free beer. I was met, however, by the dreaded 'Promo Girl,' who tersely informed me that Dire Straits does not give interviews on the road.

'Didn't Knopfler used to be a journalist?' lacked.

'He says he used to be a 'cub reporter,'' she said.

'Then won't he feel any sympathy for me; and, if not for me, how about my two starving kids and pregnant wife?' I whined. (Gotta stay in practice.) But listen, you can only push these people around so far.

'What a shitty thing to try to pull on a guy who just worked there for an hour-and-ahalf!' I thought she might hit me.

'But I missed Quincy!' (Thank God it wasn't Dallas.)

'NO INTERVIEWS!' said the attractive, modern, working woman.

Well, meandering along (don't worry, I get to talk to Withers later on), I happened to run into a guy with an 'All Areas Access' pass and a nifty camera.

'Who do you take pictures for?' I asked him.

'For myself. It's part of my master's thesis on crowd control at rock concerts.'

Well, all right. It's about time that somebody realized people were actually getting killed at these things. What a pleasure to meet such an estimable fellow.

'Yeah,' he went on, 'Somebody threw something at a guy in Aerosmith and he got hurt really bad.'

Wait a minute. 'Who are you talking about protecting?'

'The musicians. They have tremendous responsibilities, and if they lose even a week or two it could really hurt them.'

'But what about somebody in the crowd? If he loses a week or two, not to mention his life, he might get his house repossessed. What kind of a master's degree are you getting, anyway?'

'Law Enforcement. I'm a policeman from Oxford (a hick town in Michigan).'

What drugs are in my pocket? Better stay away from Oxford town. This psycho will probably end up being the chief of their two-man force. Holding these thoughts, I enigmatically sidled away from the Junior G-Man.

By this time, I'd struck up a friendship with a low-level employee of the theater, who had shown some sympathy for my plight and my starving children. 'I can't believe they won't talk to you,' he said. 'They seem like real nice guys.' We agreed my best plan would be to simply walk downstairs, ostensibly looking for a CocaCola, but really looking for someone in Dire Straits. Besides, a local newspaper reporter had just gone down with his notebook in

plain sight! No interviews, huh?

Happily, I ran into Pick Withers almost immediately. We began talking and I produced my notebook and proceeded to write. Amazingly, Withers didn't shoot me dead.. .instead, he offered me a Heineken! I guess the Promo Girl didn't tell him that he didn't like to do interviews on the road.'

Withers proved to be easygoing and likable. He told me how Dire Straits got their big chance after a demo version of 'Sulans of Swing' was aired on Charlie Gillett's 'Honky Tonk' radio show in London! (July 31, 1977, for all you fact fiends still listening.)

'It had progressed from being a hobby by that time, and the toughest thing in this business is getting a record deal. We actually made the demo because it was the only way we could...get some distance from the picture. It's like, your friends might tell you you're good, but we couldn't know for sure.

'We went to Gillett because John (Illsley) knew him...in fact, 'Honky Tonk' was the name of John's record store, in honor of the show. At the time, the show was basically an R&B program, so 'Sultans' was a bit unusual.'

Withers got a clever look in his eye. 'You want to hear something funny? They wouldn't play 'Sultans of Swing' in England until after in made the top 20 in America. They said there were too many words in the song!' He started telling me how the band got its name (which is sort of enigmatic, for a name) when I noticed the Promo Girl staring me down. I kept an eye on her just in case she tried to pull a gun on me.

'Actually, it wasn't Mark's idea...it was the idea of a friend of mine named Mike. He just told us he has a really good name for a group, and we used it. Dire Straits—it means you're at death's door. Everybody knows what it means; the world's in a dire straits situation.''

Yeah, I guess it is at that. At least that's what everybody tells me. 1 kept looking over my shoulder for the Promo Girl (who might've enlisted the help of the Smallville Starsky in a plot to assassinate me) while Withers went on about making a movie about Making Movies.

'It's just an expansion, basically. We have to expand on what we're doing—not just Dire Staits, but everyone.'' He said that the film only uses the first side of the album (shrewd planning...the Making Movies saga is probably already in the works) and that they'll try to have it placed on the college circuit to see how it goes. Oh, yeah...he also told me that Knopfler did write 'Skateway' (which has a line about 'making movies') in New York. (That's another fact.) Where else do you see people roller skate into a bus? Oxford, Michigan?

Some guy kept reminding Withers that they had to get going, so we bid adieu. I took a swig of Heineken and went to look for the Promo Girl to see if I could get a goodnight kiss or a command or something. But 1 couldn't find her; she was probably taking a night class in public relations.