MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

DOG FOOD A LA BAUDELAIRE!

In response to Wanda Cross’s question in your November ish...“if Journey is so bad, why are they one of the most popular groups of all time?...” I’d like to quote Baudelaire:

The Dog and the Flask

“My beautiful dog, my dear dog, my good bow-wow, come and sniff an excellent perfume I have just bought from the best perfumer in the City.”

The dog, wagging his tail, which is, I believe, the sign in these poor beings which corresponds to one’s smile and One’s laughter, approaches and with his wet nose curiously sniffs the uncorked flask; then, suddenly recoiling with fright he barks at me reproachfully.

“Ah! Miserable dog, if I had offered you a package, of excrement, you would have sniffed it with delight and perhaps would have devoured thus, you yourself, unworthy companion of a sad life, are like the public, to whom one i’ ust never offer those delicate perfumes that A. uld exasperate it, but only carefully chosen sweepings.”

Okay? ^

Suzanne Marnell Oakland, CA

CANUCK LAFF-RIOT!

Hey!

What’s this? Less than 10 mentions of Canada in the December issue? You’re slipping!

Jeffrey Morgan Toronto, CANADA

P.S. Does this mean that I can’t write a monthly Canadian Column?

(You’re half right, Jeffie-poo. —Ed.)

CREEM EDITORS’

JACKETS CRITIQUED!

I have just completed looking at your December 1980 issue with Cheap Trick’s Rick Nielsen on the cover,. I don’t think I have ever seen a more poorly written -magazine in all my life. It’s clear that your magazine caters to the heavy metal morons of America’s youth. I almost expect to find your editors (if you have any) crusing around wearing jean jackets with such names as VAN HALEN! or DEEP PURPLE scrawled across the back in black magic marker.

As I loqk at the cover I see you call yourself America’s only Rock ’n’ Roll magazine. Talk, about pretentious. I think you shou,ld change the name to America’s worst rock ’n’ roll magazine. It’sclear that you have jumped on the New Wave bandwagon. Hopefully that trash will be dead in 18 months, just like disco. Remember the Village People;? The B-52’s are no more talented. Below eafch picture you attempt humor, (eg) P. 13 “Tom Petersson’s wife Dagmar claims he once owned an Easy Bake Oven!” My isn’t that witty! Or hovli about on page 66. “If I was gonna pose in the nude on a dirt bike, it wouldn’t be in CREEM, ya jerks!” is the caption under Olivia Newton-John’s picture. Hey, who the hell writes that crap?! Does he really think he’s funny?

I sent in my CREEM readers poll but I feel you left out one important catagory: Worst Rock Magazine...CREEM would win hands down. I guess I’ll just have to stick to reading credible music magazines like Rolling Stone. Let’s see if you’ve got enough guts and true journalism to print this. By the way I am from Canada. See how many more cliche times you can cut it up.

Simon Dingley

Ontario, CANADA

(We’re still trying to take your last }name Seriously.—Ed.)

TYPICAL CREEM LETTER!

This is the 11th letter I sent youl! If this one isn’t printed I’ll never buy yout stupid fucking magazine again!! Ever!!

Angrily!

Danny Ciapura

Baltimore, MD

AUTISM AND ANTHROPOIDS!

I am writing to you in response to your picture of Grace Jones in your December issue. What the hell fs this? If I wanted to see this type of shit I’d read a book on how to train your pet monkey. What the hell happened to your magazine anyway? You used to have a good magazine, but lately with all this new wave vs. heavy metal shit I wouldn’t wipe my ass with your magazine. I think that rock is rock and we should be glad we have it so we don’t have to listefi to all that disco shit.

Yours truly,

Disgusted

Suffern, NY

(No sweat, Cheetah. —Ed.)

WINNIPEG A SECRET AFFAIR?

I picked up a copy of your mag (Nov.) because of the article about Secret Affair entitled “Mod Mania Returns”. After reading the Secret Affair write-up written by Gregg Turner I cannot quite put down in writing the contempt and hatred I feel towards this so-called writer.

I can imagine what Turner looks like. A typical Yankee hippy bum-out, long hair, wears track shoes and has an abundance of facial hair. Obviously thi$ head-banger knows nothing about Mod or Secret Affair.

.1 won’t or can’t explain Mod to a long-haired Yankee drugged-out hippy still living in 1969, who is sent out to cover an article about something that he hasn’t even remotely researched. Why does CREEM magazine assign people to something that is relevant to 1980? Let these people (?) stick to writing about garbage like Pat Benatar and Ellen Foley and the rest of that American shit. All I can say to Secret Affair is I hope you don’t get discouraged by the American hippie press. Remember all you Mods out there... ,

“This is the time for action

The time to be seen!”

As a final thought to you at CREEM re: “Punk Woodstock: Heatwave Festival” I am not an advocate of large festivals but...What exactly did you expect it to be like? Sitting in your parents’ middle-class American rec room with artificial wood panelling on the walk and the “extravagent” wet bar in the comer while your home-coming queen sweetheart so obediently fetches you a Budweiser after you giving her an affectionate slap on her designer jean-clothed ass?

The international hatred felt toward Americans can be fully understood after reading your drivel such as “12 Canadian dollars (?)” or “48 litres (?)” and the ever-so clever “NQR postulate” you’ve invented (not quite right). Obviously your staff have never before ventured out of the US of A. Well folks,ithere is life beyond New York, L.A. and even Birmingham! There are other countries in the world and believe it or not, perhaps it is your country thatis NQR.

FROM: .

Bob“the Mod” Bray Winnipeg, Manitoba CANADA

(On the other hand, maybe fish can’t swim. —Ed.)

SECOND VERSE: SAME AS THE FIRST Dear Bruce & Band:

New record’s great. Can’t wait for the live versioris.

Billy “Bootleg” Smith Radioland, USA

TRANSVESTITE FANS UNITE!

To Mook Johnson:

You are just in calling the vasj majority of the people in your wimp rock article wimps, and I don’t hate you entirely. But what are you trying to do, calling the Talking Heads and the B-52’s “wimps”? Are you trying to redeem yourself to the Van Halen fcrowd? If you’re gonna apologize to the dopeheads, rather than subjecting the rest of the people to this shit (and you owe them more than an apology) you oughta just come out and say you’re sorry (even if the apology to the dopeheads is unnecessary).

David Byrne was never trying to fool anybody in the first place. He’s about as smart and as honest as they come. That’s what real cool is, intelligence and honesty. Anybody who would compare them to dog piss is either stupid, stoned, or ignorant (or all three). So shaddup!

The B-52’s, you chump, are also cool. That Fred Schneider, he knows how to deal with assholes like Mark J. Norton (who is so awed by old transvestites like David Lee Roth—who would feel naked if he lost so much as one hair— It’s true—the man is that insecure—that. he wouldn’t know a real man if one came up and kicked his balls in. Certainly Iggy POD and the B-52’s Reserve better). He rightfully told Norton to fuck off, and I’m sure if Byrne were in the same room as you, you’d be insulted a lot worse. You know he’s capable of that, and more!!! So shaddup!

Another thing about the Heads—they got a new album out and for white funk (anybody who thinks funk is disco had better check it again.) it’s pretty cool. Even Dave DiMartino—that old transvestite lover—has the sense to admit they’re great. And the B-52’s new album can beat out Ben Gaylen’s new album in terms of “cool” anyday. So shaddup!

From now on you chumps better let me write articles. Hell, I’m a better rock critic that what you got excreting all over the pages of this magazine. I’m smart (so shaddup again!), I’m a damn good writer, (have great taste in rock ’n’ roll, arid I write the truth. Hell, why do you think my previous letters have never been printed in CREEM? Sincerely,

Judith A. Graham

Rock Critic of the Year (So shaddup!)

MorroBay, CA

P.S. And since I’m so damn smart (like I said repeatedly, so shaddup!) I’ll provide a comment for the editor:

(now you shaddup—eddy)

So shaddup!

(Please read The Cork Method and get plenty of rest, won’t you dear?—Ed.)

RAY GUN ANTICS!

Dear Yankee-Doodle Dandies:

I read your article on “Heatwave: The Punk Woodstock,” and all I can say is: if you think Canada’s a joke, just take a look at who you elected president.

The Nose knows,

Winnepeg, CANADA! The true North, strong

and free!)

(Pass the maple syrup. —Ed.)

SHAGGS CARPETED!

To The Editors Of CREEM Magazine aka Bastion Of Contemporary Rock Journalism Inc.:

Many thanks for the Shaggs article appearing in your latest Nielsen issue. However, in the ever insightful piece written in that inimitable Hullian style, several facte are omitted:

ONE: The Shaggs album Philosophy Of The World is the best rock album ever made. Better than Machine Music and Glass Houses. Better than Abbey Road. Better than Trillion. Not better than Diamond REO’s first album played backwards. Better than Who Are You.

TWO: The Shaggs’ appearance on American Bandstand in March, 1971, during which they lip-synched “Why Do I Feel” and “What Should I. Do,” still ranks as a landmark television achievement. Dorothy Wiggiris’ reply to Dick Clark’s query of “Is it art?” deserves its just position next to “But I know how to get it” and “Wanna see my cock?” in the Rock Quotation Hall Of Fame (located above Jerry’s Bait & Tackle, Visalia, MO.)

TRE: Many of today’s multi-platinum recording artists have been directly influenced by the Shaggs, including the Roches, the Police, Dirty Looks, the Jam, Diana Ross & The Supremes, Peter, Paul & Mary, Ray, Goodman & Brown, Emerson, Lake & Palmer and Dave & Sugar. Not to mention the Jags, the Bags, and the Fugs.

FOR: Phil Spector did not produce the album.

FIV: The Shaggs are truly the most inter-categorical crossover act in music history. While all cuts are suitable to Top 40 and A.O.R., "I'm So Happy When You’re Near” has gotten substantial country airplay, and the drum-heavy “My Pal Foot Foot” was written for today’s dance-oriented rock-discos in-around the east coast-west coast. “Sweet Thing” is a sprttely R&B tune, later covered by established soul acts Rufus and the Velcrons. And “That Little Sports Car” was recently rewritten as a “rap” far NBA star Darryl Dawkins, to be released on his own Chocolate Funkateer label.

SIX: Owning a copy of Philosophy Of TheWorld is a viable alternative to military service, and also guarantees eternal life. ,

Of course, while some comparisons have been drawn between the Shaggs and Public Image Ltd., comparing them to groups like the Slits and the Raincoats is infinitely more logically sound. They’re all girls, see? Get it? Oh well.

And finally, you neglected to mention where the Shaggs are today. Dorothy currently skates with the Los Angeles T-Birds in the Pacific Cal-Ariz Roller Derby League, where she has attained stardom as a finesse jammer; Helen has remained in the ipusic industry, working-out of Fremont as a session guitarist; and Betty, after living with Patti Smith for three years, underwent surgery and is now working as a professional sportscaster under the name of Brent Musberger.

Mom send $$$.

Forever yours,

Hymie Wong

c/o:Saguaro Home For The Morally

Defeated

Phoenix, AZ

STRUMMER BUMMER?

Hey CREEM people! Three reasons why I’m mad at YOU:

1. Not one picture of Joe Strummer in the last, issue (Dec. 80). Where do you get off depriving all of Joe’s fans even a glimpse of him? Are We all gonna have to resort to other mags for our monthly fix? As much as you don’t want to admit it, Joe is good-looking, and we wanna see more.

2. Led Zeppelin cannot be ignored, and giving John Bonham the undignified farewell of a box in BGO was disgusting. You gave Sid an entire page, and a few words, and Bonham got zilch. I don’t e,ven like Zeppelin, but I feel I have a lot more respect than you do.

3. I noticed the latter two items in the copy of CREEM that I bought in the store, because my copy did not wing its way into my mailbox this month. Enough said?

Now a few good words. The exclusion of a Best New Wave/Punk Band category in your readers’ poll proves to the populace that this is no longer a novelty sound, but an established musical force. Thanks are in order.

Auf wiedersehen,

Grace C. Orthner

Cherry Hill, NJ

(Actually, it proves that yoe hate tabulating long polls. —Ed.)

ACTUAL IRONY!

Wow! Deja vu! The December issue of CREEM has Rick Nielsen On the cover, just like last year’s December issue. Not only that, both covers have inset photos of the B-52’s. They even both list Van Morrison’s name among the artists reviewed, on the right side of the cover. Isn’t it amazing how history repeats itself.. .repeats itself.. .repeats itself...

Never a dull moment,

Kodi

San Jose, CA

(And the last February issue had a stupid letter in it, too. —Ed.)

CREEM AS POPE!

Alright, pontifical one. I’m' an occasional reader of your magazine, and some of' your material requires further explanation. To wit:

1) What do Chunkies have to do with Debbie Harry anyway?

2) How can one obtain a buzz with cough syrup (aka Codeine)?

3) Are The Shaggs f or real?

4) Are they transvestites?

5) How cum no articles on Peter Gabriel? He even hangs around with Robert Fripp.

6) Is Sting married? I forgot to send a gift.

7) Where do Kate and Cindy get their clothes? Mail order, maybe? I need a good pair of go-go boots.

8) How does one become a CREEM editor? Does it have something to do with writing concert reviews in Canada?

9) How does one get their hair the same color

as Nina Hagen’s? Magic Markers?

for the hell of it). 10) What’s Benjamin Orr’s Vaddress? Those eyes.

Biyo, Kids!

S. Quazoid

Midwest Wasteland, U.S.

P.S. Boy Howdy! Kathy and Bodi!

(1] Arnold Stang opens wide for ’em. 2] You can’t. Cough syrup’s mom won’t let it stay out late at night. 3) Are you? 4] Huh? 5] Answered your own question. 6] Yes, so don’t bother. 7] From the Shaggs. 8] ’ No, just answering stupid questions. 9] Bic pens 10] Ask your mom, OK?-Ed.)

t MESSAGE IN A HOOVER!

You suck, Your magazine sucks, Canada is a nice country but the people who write in from there suck. The Clash sucks, all punk rock sucks, disco sucks, country sucks. In closing, I would ' like to say it once again. You suck, your magazine sucks and the Clash sucks. Why don’t. you all suck each other.

* Long live Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd Fuck Off Yours Truly P.F.andL.Z.

The great state of Mississippi P.S. People who like the Clash - suck themselves.

(Can you be a little clearer, please?—Ed.)

HIT US WHERE IT HURTS!

To the terribly ignorant “people” of CREEM: Your “Magazine” (and I do use the term loosely) is the most disgusting piece of trash ever created. Not only do you print TRASH and glorify fags, but you\dare to make snide comments about any or all of*the Beatles (the greatest ever). Listen to me now, you faggots you, if I ever see anything in your “magazine” that criticizes one or -' any of the Beatles again, I will see to it that you get so much hate mail that it would take you two years just to open it all. Lay off all of them and leave the Stones alone too!!!

Sincerely,

A TRUE fan of REAL music

Charleston, WV

P.S. The Beatles “Four”-ever!

P.P.S. CREEM Magazine is published by fags! (Monthly, stupid. —Ed.)

NEWHELEN KELLER JOKE! V I would just like to say a few things about your rag:

1) After a show of class to put the Boss on your calendar (Dec.) you destroy it by putting that scuzzy, hairy-pitted Grace Jones on the back. The CREEM DREEM is becoming a nightmare.

2) Don’t knock Bebe Buell. She and Pat Benatar are the only normal looking girls asociated with Rock or New Wave.

3) Where are the DOORS? I know Jim Morrison is working in a Taco Bell somewhere, but what about Ray, Robbie, and Jim?

4) Thank you for featuring Dave Edmunds in last month’s CREEM Profiles. If “Crawlin’ From The Wreckage” wasn’t the best rock-power song of J979, nothing was.

5) Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs?

A: Her dog is blind, too. ,

HA HA HA

The next letter you get from me will be delivered by dog sled from Moose Jaw, Canada. Reagan can blow up the rest of the world if he has to, but leave me out of it. 4 Heavy Metal Sucks!

Let’s dig up Elvis for Christmas.

Big, fat, hairy deal.

So there.

Mel Torme’s third cousin, soon to be the first intelligent person in Canada.

Daytpn, OH

P.S. Bruce Springsteen should be elected president next time,

(Bruce: “If J, could find my keys, we both could drive outta here!”)

BILLY WAS A PUNK ROCKER!

Well, well, well, We certainly have outdone ourselves in our fitfully humorous way, haven’t r we? In referring to your article “WIMP ROCK HALL OF FAME,” I won’t drop to' the low vulgarities that most of your letters use (so this.

letter will probably never be printed in that dung heap), although I’d just love to tell you how you can permanently place your vacuum-of-a• brained head into the artistic toilet you dredge your lack of taste from.

Of course I realize that, being against CREEM’s personal religion of “rock ’n’ roll magazine” (guffaw, guffaw) you will never say one nice syllable oh Billy Joel or Barry Manilow. I’m not that stupid (’tho your articles sometimes border on that edge, but let’s not get off the subject at hand). So of course you will never print or admit the honest-to-God truth—that even if. you think Manilow’s music is nothing more than, mere schlock debilitating the musical taste of every pimply-faced pre-pubescent teen today, at least he’s got it to an art. Flawless perfection, no questions asked. And frankly, his lyrics are a lot more substantial than some of Molly Hatchet garbage^ Speaking of lyrics; if you think all of Billy’s stuff is “incredibly patronizing,” go take a listen to his “Captaifi Jack.” That beats any other song its generation created, and you can bet your lifetime supply of Columbia Gold on it. Not to mention your stash of angel dust in the closet, you veggie-brained acid heads.

Don’t misunderstand me—I’m no Lisa Loopner defending her Marvin Hamlisch. As a matter of fact, I’m a defined Springsteen addict, and I. honestly think you should do a thing on the zaniest of rockers, Tonio K. However, I’d take Manilow and his “hormone problems” to one of your half-crooked,^ vacuum-brained writer any day of the week. Besides, 20 years from now Joel and Manilow will still be doing great styff and CREEM will be recycled and used for toilet paper, and let me tell you, it will never be more of a joy to go to the bathroom.

Love yaface.

Rebecca P.

Northern Virginia, Va

P.S. I can’t wait to hear the uproar (upchuck?) from this one. Love ya face, jellies, love ya face! (“Sitonit.”—Andn.)

CREEM MAIL SERVICE!!

I would deeply appreciate it if you could print a reply to a letter printed by you in your November 1980 issue. It was written by a Christopher Natz of New Milford, NJ:

Dear Christopher Natz,

FUCK YOU, ASSWIPE. You have made it obvious that your shoe size is quite larger than yourl.Q.

“BONZO” Lives

Rock On,

Ozzy

Levittown, PA (

TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT!

I was just looking through the Nov. CREEM. , Here’s my reactions: (

COVER: Good. +

PAGE 6: (Mail) Shit! Those rats didn’t print my letter, those twoBOOOOOOYS from N.J. really do appreciate rock ’n’ roll don’t they? HOW STUPID!

PAGE 11: Yeah, a picture of Kate Pierson; I wanna kiss her pineapple!

PAGE 13: (Upper right) Is that Todd Nurgent? Silly me, of course it is, who else wears diapers like that?

PAGE 16: Where’s Kate and Cindy and Nina Hagen and Martha Davis and Exene?

PAGE 25: That’s not really an,interview. That, sinarty pants booooy Carl Arrington never asked Petey any questions.

PAGE 36: Hey, is that Tommy Smothers? The subtitle should read: “When’s Dick?”

TURN TO PAGE 56

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8

PAGE 49: How could anybody call that slob the king? ?

PAGE 56: Great tips, I took the advice and got a neat job.

PAGE 66: Neatokeen.

STAR’S CARS: What a jerk, neat hood of nament though.

All My Hot Monkey Love,

Ferrick Oxide (The wonder boy with the erogenous follicles) also known by some as “that whiteheaded boy”

Carpet City, U.S. A.

P.S. What will it take to get my letters printed? I’ll sleep with the editor (Susan Whitall).

P.P.S. Let’s see more on the Police, the Mbtels, the B-52s, and that kinetic kid, Klark Kent.

'P.P.P.S. A Kate Bush calendar would be great.

(We were just looking through this issue’s letter section. Here’s our reaction. LETTER FROM CARPET CITY, U.S.A.: Stinks-Ed.)