Confessions of a FILM FOX

Confessions of a FILM FOX

MAD AS HELL DEPT.: After suffering through several months of Brooke “Panty” Shields on the cover of Vogue, prancing around in layouts in the magazine wearing grown-ups’ clothes; after enduring many TV hours of her idiotic-to-the-point of dada Calvin Klein jeans ads; having to look at her bland loins and beetle-browed puss in countless goony Blue Lagoon posters and ads; this Fox had the misfortune to learn that Ms. Shields is now a new Wella Balsam “girl,” joining such luminaries as “Revolting” Priscilla Presley, etc. Now the Vomit-b-meter circuits on your Fox’s TV set are surely going to overload, causing much distress. And for what? We would like to ask—nay, BEG dean Shrimpton to come out of modeling retirement and kick Brooke’s soppy little teenage ass out of the big girl fashion mags and back to the playground, where she belongs (until she learns to tweeze).

Michelle Triola-Marvin was recently picked up in Beverly Hills, California for shoplifting $200 worth of bras and sweaters. Does this mean the United States is in a recession? Or as Dr. Joyce Brothers would have it, “Shoplifting can be related to rage over being female.”?

These items from People magazine: Ringo Starr on his abilities: “I am the best rock ’n’ roll drummer.” PeteTownshendon Cole Porter: “He sat in the south of France snorting coke, eating caviar and occasionally writing another tune. He had very little to do with reality, and as such, Porter would never have survived 10 minutes as a rock writer.” Geez, Pete, what about those rich rockers who live in the south of France? Do you think they spend their daze studying physics? Uh-huh...

“Up” Chack Barris, the genius behind the Newlywed Game, the Gong Show, and the $1.98 Beauty Show has a new scam—namely the Million Dollar Talent Show. The weekly syndicated show will run one hour, with the

winner receiving a tidy sum of 10 thou...

We know where your head’s at dept: In an interview in Gossip magazine, the star of The Idol maker, Peter Gallagher sez: ‘Td like a woman who looks, and is, exactly like me!” Jimmy McNichol is starring in Momma’s Boy which from the sound of the title wasrt’t inspired by Rob “Lifer” Halford...

Reportedly Jadyn Smith has installed a quarter-million dollar security system in her Bel Air manse... to protect her from w hat?

Rumors abound (what else do they do?) that Woody“P.D.” Allen will wed Mia Farrow shortly before Christmas. Yeah, hold the mayo, not your breath...

Roger Corman chasing Philadelphia Phillie Pete Rose to star in the biopic of Ty Cobb? What’s this we hear that famed socialite/former rock star Mick Jagger has been squiring around a 17-year-old femme, much to Jerry “I knew he shouldn’t have read that Roman Polanski bio” Hall’s chagrin? If it’s true, who would care anyway?

In a move that could’ve been inspired by Britt Eldand, Juliet Mills may go to ball ’n’ chain hell with Maxwell Canfield—who is 18 years her junior—if and when her divorce from Mike Miklenda comes through.

Kristy McNichol is slated to star in Neil Simon’s movie version of Only When I Laugh. No, the story doesn’t involve where Kristy keeps her hands late at night...

Barbara Hershey, who dropped that dopey “Seagull” last name when she finally realized hippies need money too, has given her eight-year-old David Carradinc offspring permission to change his dopey “Free” first name to “Tom. ” Dope! Should’ve changed your last name to “Beer”...

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir star Hope Lange has a new boyfriend named Warren Beatty. No one is quite sure who Warren is or what he does, but if anyone finds out, contact Hope immediately...

Audrey Hepburn is divorcing her psychiatrist husband Andrea Dotti...

While away from the set of Elephant Map,

David Bowie has been chumming around with Monique (Lou Reed: “What does she do? Sag?”) VanVooren. Hey Dave is Oona too hotforya?...

There will be no mention of Marlon Brando or Jerry Vile in this column this month...

Nick Nolteto star in a martial arts movie called Kyle: The American?...

Somewhere in Time star Jane Seymour has found a new heavenly dog, David Flynn... Despite rumors that Britt Eldand will marry Philip Lewis, we hear that ole Britt has her roving eye fixed on Jimmy Van Patten... Bert Reynolds to scribble an autobiography? Will Jane Fonda head a crusade to save the trees?

So until next time.. .just give up!