ELEGANZA
With unemployment rising faster than the number of people crushed to death at rock concerts, interest is growing in how to present oneself at a job interview. As everyone knows, the interview is the last big step before getting that job, so it’s essential that you don’t blow it!
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ELEGANZA
GET A JOB: RECIPE FOR A SUCCESSFUL INTERVIEW
J. Kordosh
With unemployment rising faster than the number of people crushed to death at rock concerts, interest is growing in how to present oneself at a job interview. As everyone knows, the interview is the last big step before getting that job, so it’s essential that you don’t blow it! You don’t want to have to accept some low-level job like working in a record store, entering the priesthood, or writing for CREEM. These are all “no-future” propostions.
After months of studying the interview problem, reading reams of literature, and discussing the issue with experts, I’ve managed to digest it all into this. “Recipe For A Successful Interview.” I also managed to digest the §ight White castles I ate yesterday, but that’s another story,. Anyway, here’s the whole kettle of carp in three easy steps. See you at the better parties and haberdasheries!
,1. PREPARATION FOR THE INTERVIEW •DO prepare the»questions you will ask during the interview.
Probing questions you might ask...
a. A detailed description of the
position.
b. Reason the position is available.
c. Do fish feel pain?
d. Earnings of those successful people
in their third to fifth year.
e. A detailed description of why water "S is denser than ice.
•DO dress in acceptable business attire. NO SPORT CLOTHES. Leave your baseball uniform at home; wear your spikes if you must.
• DO plan to arrive on time or even a few minutes early. Take some Quaaludes and enjoy the extra time; after alCyou’ll be working pretty soon and won’t have any time for fun.
2. THE INTERVIEW
• DO fill out application forms neatly and completely. But, just for fun, use a *3 pencil. Who do these people think they are, asking all these personal questions? Say your hobby is translating The National Enquirer into English.
•If you have a personal resume; give it to somebody.
• DO greet the interviewer by surname if you are sure of the pronunciation. If you aren’t, speculate openly on the interviewer’s bastard heritage and question his patriotism closely.
• DO shake hands firmly—as firmly as those Quaaludes let you, that is.
• DO wait until you’re offered a chair before sitting. Sit upright in your chair;, look alert and interested. Surprise the interviewer with your knowledge of pig latin. Smile.
• DO maintain good eye contact with the interviewer. If someone other than Sammy Davis Jr. is the interviewer, maintain good contact with both eyes.
• DO follow the interviewer’s leads, but try to steer the conversation around to the last Rush album. Nap, if possible.
• DON’T answer questions with a simple yes or no. Instead, use “maybe,” “perhaps,” “possibly,” and “imaginably.” Indicate you’d like to speak to your, attorney before answering some questions.
• DO make sure that your good points get across to the, interviewer. Keep in mind that you alone can sell yourself. Hold out for a 1956 Ernie Banks baseball card.
• DON’T LIE. If you think the interviewer looks fey, go ahead and tell him.
• DON’T ever make derogatory remarks about your present or former employers, unless you’re Tony Sanchez, in which case such remarks are obligatory.
• DON’T “over-answer” questions. The •interviewer may steer the conversation into politics or economics. Since this can be a ticklish situation, start giggling uncontrollably. Take another Quaalude.
•DON’T inquire about SALARY, VACATIONS, BONUSES, RETIREMENT, etc., on the initial interview unless you’re positive the employer is interested in hiring you. If the interviewer asks what salary you want, indicate that you’re more interested in opportunity than a specific salary, and cite a fair figure. Like Cheryl Ladd’s.
• DON’T smoke even if the interviewer smokes and offers you a cigarette. Ask him how many more est courses he’ll have to take before he kicks the odious habit.
•DO always conduct yourself as if you’re determined to get the job you’re discussing. Don’t leave when the interview is over. 3. CLOSING THE INTERVIEW
• DO ask for the position if you are interested. Ask for another interview “because this one was so much fun.” Ask what time it is. Ask what the Yankees’ pitching rotation was in 1962.
• DON’T be too discouraged, if no definite offer is made or specific salary is discussed. The interviewer will probably be preoccupied padding his expense account.
• If you gef the impression that the interview is not going well and that you’ve already been rejected, don’t let your discouragement show. Insinuate that you know the interviewer’s.father was a Nazi. Retell the story of Christ’s crucifixion. Remind the interviewer that you’ve never gotten along with companies that employ people with the IQ of a lawn.
• Express thanks for the interviewer’s time and consideration. Ask him where you can buy baggy pants like his.
• Ask for the interviewer’s business card and mention that he might be seeing his name in CREEM’s letters column soon.
☆ ☆ ☆
With all this going for you, the job’s in the bag. Just follow these basic rules and you’ll be a happy, productive members of America’s work .force faster than you can say “generic Valium.” Which is what you’ll be taking 30 milligrams a day of once you’re a happy, productive member of America’s work force. .
