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MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.Q. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

D.H. LAWRENCE REPLIES!!

This Bridgewater person should be informed that he is being paid to review albums like Robin Lane And The Chartbusters and not expose his failed aspiration to become a master of the literary style known as “stream-of-consciousness.” Now I will admit that I didri’t understand a fucking word except for some reference to Chrissie Hynde’s underarms and sexual aggressiveness (a smothering combination, no doubt), but that still does not keep me from realizing how incredibly bad his writing is. Either tell this guy to study James Joyce and forget “journalism” or be kind and pay for that correspondence course (“Professional Writing I”) that he could never afford because he worked for you people. By the way, j.m., I flipped two out of three and decided you sort of liked the album? Or was it just her underarms, you devil?

Cliff Rampey

Lawton, OK

(You mean it wasn’t obvious?—Ed.)

ACTUAL NICE LETTER

I think it’s about time someone congratulated you on the. ink you’ve given to the roots of rockabilly/rock ’n’ roll music. Most of the stiffs that read your mag probably would not know a Bobby Dean from a Jimmy Dean or a Corky Jones from a Thumper Jones.

Robot A. Hull and Joe Sasfy did a bang-up job with their article “Rockabilly’s Rapid Movement” in the Feb. issue. It’s the finest piece I have ever read on the idiom. Plus, Nick Tosches’ articles on the #‘Unsung Heroes of R’n’R” are always refreshing.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely yours,

Real Gone Daddy *,

Huntington, WV . -•

TRUE FALSEHOODS!

Hey!

When are you morons going to' make up your f*ck*ng (oops, I forgot words like that are allowed in a “hip” magazine like this) minds? Your review of McCartney H was horrible! Whoever wrote it (1 don’t care to know his name, if he has one), has an incredible talent for contradicting himself. I hate to think about it so much, I’m not going to think about it.

In a magazine that seems to thrive on covering groups with lead singers keen on primal screams, 1 would like to present my own review, of your magazine:

CREEM is a magazine with an acid-rock fetish. But you’ll love it, if you like drowning in your own vomit, or receiving 5 million dollars, tax free. It’d that good. It’s the rock rriagazine of the year. It’s magnificent. It also smells. But it’s §till wonderful, for lobotomy victims. Buy a copy, you’ll hate yourself, but you’ll still enjoy it, to wrap your fish in. You‘d have to be an android to subscribe, but now’s the time, anyway.. .just don’t waste your money. But you wouldn’t be if you subscribed to this magazine—oh yes you would! And so, to sum up,CREEM, I must falsely say I think it’s great. I also must falsely say I hate it.

Great job of contradicting myself, eh? Maybe this means I’m ready for the big-time?? After all, if your album reviewer can do the same thing and make money (maybe he isn’t making money, that could be the problem), why couldn’t I? I’ll tell you why—I wouldn’t want a job as a critic because no one listens to them and no one likes them.

Signed

Eric (My Mother Is Not A Black Man) Hoffman c/o The Pithfield Paratroopers Fort Wayne, IN

(Thank you for your terrible letter^—Ed.)

COMING UP (ALL OVER THE FLOOR)

1. Blimey that Ira Kaplan! I didn’t think Anyone would notice my singing “I” 59 times on side one of McCartney II and only once on side ttt/o. 1 dm an artist.

2. But bloody arsewipes, Ira Kaplan didn’t notice that the live Wings version of “Coming Up” is on the flip side of the “Coming Up” Jjingjle, which makes McCartney IPs “limited [har] edition” bonus single coming worthless!

3. More fucking arsewipes! Irate Ira ignored those adorable films I’ve made to plug McCartneyII in his review: “Coming Up,” with something like a dozen me’s mugging in front of the camera (now that Peter Sellers is dead, somebody has to take those multi-roles in comedy films); arid “Waterfalls,” with that cuddly polar-bear (a better co-star than Linda—and a better lay as well).

4. Besides playing alHhe instruments so well by myself on McCartney II, you may be interested to know I also play with myself very well... perfecting the art in Japan (I had to do something in that jail cell all alone).

And what'about my loveable appearance on Saturday Night Live, Mr. Kaplan? Hey, it beats seeing Frank ‘Zappa on Dance Fever1 6. Nothing special. * Just felt like a sixth ' paragraph.

I’m Only Sleeping,

Paul McCartney Elizabeth, NJ

BEND OVER, RONALD

You wanna talk disillusioned? I just found out that if you listen to Pete Townshend’s “Let My Love Open The Door” through a locked bathroom door, it sounds like a McDonald’s commercial! Wow!

Ace

• Teenage Wasteland, AL ,(That’s nothing. Take the bun off a Quarter Pounder arid it looks like Roger Daltrey. —Ed.)

THE OPPOSITE OF VALID IS INVALID I’ve heard tell that if “Atomic,” Blondie’s new Single off their Eat To The Beat album sells a million copies, they’ll get a plutonium record. Is this true?

Ritz Radcliffe Santa Monica, CA

(It might as well be. If you catch our drift. —Ed.)

IS WAND A CROSS?

I fail to see the point Rick Johnson attempted to make on the recent release of Journey’s new album, Departure. I have the album and I think it is very good. I couldn’t believe the article in your magazine.’ All Mr. Johnson did was to attack the album. He didn’t give any good points, just bad. What I can’t understand is that if Journey Is so bad, why are they one of the most popular groups at this time? Why also, dd they sell out their own concerts?

What really upset me the most was his criticism of Steve Perry’s voice. Steve Perry is Journey! I never heard of them until Steve Perry joined the group.

You say Departure leaves you cold? Well the comparison you made of it and “...The crusty sheets afid sinkful of dirty dishes...” left me sick! That’s really some comparison, where did you get it?

Wanda Cross Milwaukee, WI (At Murph’s 76 station?—Ed.)

BALL OF CONFUSION

Gee, isn’t it amazing that the Iron City Houserockers are managed by Cleveland Entertainment, that they copyright all their material with Cleveland International Music, and that they sing about Cleveland in their songs (“Drive all night from Cleveland/There’s nothing you can do/It’s a long drive to those sticks/ When no one likes the show”) , yet they are from Pittsburgh??? Gosh, Hull, it really is too bad that Pittsburgh hasn’t produced a really good band. Maybe next time.

Cleveland Rocks,

Florida’s only non-Cuban, non-tourist, preGeritol woman,

Gaddara Miami, FL

P.S. I’m not sure, but l think they sometimes call Cleveland'the Iron City...

(Aren’t you an Iron Butterfly lyric or something? —ed.)

MONTHLY BACKPAT Congratufuckenlations! Yas getting better every issue! I’m talkin about the August CREEM of course, finally an article/interview with the Cramps. (And to all you moron heavy metal cunts writing in and putting down us punks— why don’tcha all fuck off anyhow).

Much as I nate PiL, the Johnny-Lydon interview made great reading. (Did you know Johnny’s gonna reveal that Public Image played shitful noise in order to swindle fools so he can afford more video crap? It’s true!) Gang of Four exposed!!! pictures no less. Oh yeah yeah yeah the Pretenders on the front cover to boot. Send me Chrissie Hynde’s phone number. Now all you guys gotta do is apologize for ever printing anything on Van Halen, Foreigner, Styx, corporate rock in general, ya know—macho metal shit?! DESTROY THE VOMIT INDUCING OLD FARTS FOR GOOD!! How bout some mote articles on N.Y.’s true rock ’n’ roll—the Misfits, the Stimulators, Mad, Cramps too. Punk ain’t dead till we are, chumps!

ZER IS SCUM Christopher Natz

New Milford, NJ

THE TRUTH HURTS I was reading your Best Of CREEM issue and I came across a letter titled “RX For Failure” that was printed in the April 74 issue. It was a letter giving readers tips on how to get their letters printed. Well, since April 74 was a long time ago, I think it’s time to update it. So here’s some new tips, loyal CREEM readers', on how to get YOUR letters included in this columns--../*

1) SET UP THE EDITOR: Give the editor something he/she can sink his/her teeth into. They love it, because by making snappy carpments it makes them look like superior human beings!

2) MAKE YOURSELF LOOK STUPID: Easier for some than others. Complain about the lack of coverage on the recent Osmond tour. Say that your greatest inspiration is Geddy Lee. Complain about “vicious” attacks on Leif Garrett,' Shaun Cassidy, et al. You get the idea. 'FT

3) CUT DOWN CREEM JOURNALISTS: If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at others, right? Hint at the real reasons why you don’t see articles by Lester Bangs or Jaan Uhelszki articles anymore. Or make suggestions at what Dave DiMartino does in his spare time.

„4) Like G.R. Morton (writer of “RX For Failure”) says, close with a meaningless P.P.S., P.P.P.S., etc.

5) DONT make requests, Make THREATS! If you say “Pretty pleeeze, put the Ramones on the cover,” they’ll just laugh at you and make jokes about your sexual preferences. This is the way it’s done—“Okay, I’ve had it! If you don’t put the Ramones on the cover I’m gonna make Les Chappell a wig by tearin’ out all your pubic hair and gluing it together in a. big ball, goddammit!” Don’t make ’em too vicious or they’ll just think it’s another letter from Ben Fong-Torres!

Glad to be of help!

D.S. Korner

Here, CA

(Excellent use of Tip Two. —Ed.)

BIG WORDS NO PROBLEM FOR CANADIANS!!

Please allow me this opportunity to respond to Jeff Martin of Grants Pass, OR, whose discourse aimed at the morality of female CREEM readers appeared in the Sept. ’80 issue.

Dear Cretin,

I read, with immense incredulity, your 1 sentiments regarding we female readers of CREEM magazine.

Who ever bestowed upon you, you witless little tit, the right to denounce the rectitude of the moiety of this magazine’s patronage???

Incontrovertibly, ours are lax countries, and one should be permitted to exercise that libertinism in expressing one’s thesis on any subject. However, you dippy little fart, it goes without saying (but I will say it because you, indeed are a feeble-minded little puke) that one must be cognizant of all the datum befoVe issuing a dictum. You, being the imbecile ignoramus that you truly are, opted to blatantly voice your inane credence that “Girls who read CREEM fuck.”

Obtuse cerebration, this.

Contrary to your theory, I do not want to “fuck Steve Tyler,” nor do 1 wish to “get stoned with David Lee Roth.” Veritably, those thoughts have never entered my mind.

Jeffy dear, you insipient, pea-brained, vacuum-headed feeb, why don’t you just crawl back into your cave juntil you can developenough cerebral matter to pass for a rational human being?

Love and kisses,

Carla (I LOVE CREEM) MacDonald,

Sarnia, ONT

P.S. I figured I should write a P.S. because everybody writes a P.S.

P.P.S. Loquacity can be fun! (just a drop of molybdenum does the trick.)

P.P.P.S. Did you know that B.C. produces 100% of Canada’s molubdenum?

P.P.P.P.S. Offer me a job! I want-to work at CREEM!

(CREEM job = 20 million mg. codeine. —Ed.)

CLASH VS. TRAVOLTA

I won’t waste time with introductions, so let’s get straight to the point:

1. Who the hell does Robert Christgau think he is, writing about and criticizing Funk music? My music! He talks like some snotty-nosed, jeans-clad white dude from the suburbs.

2. Not only was The Shining not a good movie, but it was an astoundingly terrible one. Its point is known only to its director and novelist, because I sure cpuldn’t see it.

3. Regarding Urban Cowboy: God knows the only sensible reason to even consider seeing that ■ irrelevant dribble is to ogle John "Thunder Thighs” Travolta. (Especially in his white wedding suit.) Not only was Debra Wagner unimpressive, she was boring. You hear me Mitchell Cohen? BORING!

4. Bob Seger is obviously a nice guy, and a good musician and singer too, but will somebody please, please tell him that, yes, men “love” women for being “sexual,” but it is also true that ' men hate women for it too. (Ever heard of rape?) Furthermore, women are naturally attracted to men for being sexual. Being aroused by the sight of the opposite sex is not the genetic domain of males, dig?

. 5. And finally (bet you thought I’d never get here): “Real” men do not, I repeat DO NOT look like the Clash. Anyone who thinks those guys are attractive must have an ass where her head should be(

Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

Pam Miller v

Chicago, IL

(Tell it to Joe “Thunder Thighs” Strumrrier, OK?-Ed.)

CLASH VS. VAN HALEN

Since we live in a‘ democratic nation, we believe it is only fair to present two sides to every issue. Therefore, we propose to1 launch a counterattack in Van Halen’s defense. We were appalled to read all of those garbage-filled letters denouncing David Lee Roth and Co. in the September issue of CREEM. Altnost every letter was littered with personal insults and bull about the one and only macho, hair-covered David Lee Roth. We concede that the Clas,h has some degree of new talent, but NO ONE surpasses Van Halen.

Alex Van Halen’s “rhythmic slam” and Michael Anthony’s poundingbass are some of the best rock ’n’ roll has to offer. Edward Van Halen is a phenomenal stun guitarist with his flying fingers and his “Sheer chops.” Edward truly deserves Guitar Player of the Year in our estimation. David Lee Roth is really incredible on stage. He is a gymnast, fantastic vocalist, and a very sensuous performer.

1 As to the question of David Lee Roth’s sexuality, we^ know firsthand that David is no homo as you Clash freaks claimed. Regarding yoUr derogatory comments on David’s long blond mane, we can only assume that you are either jealous or bald. David Lee has more masculinity with his well-developed muscles and seductive hairy mat of chest hair. We are Willing to bet he has more hair on his chest than you guys have on your.whole b6dy! So take that, yob Clash crazies!!!

Regarding the letter from the male who came to the three conclusions: that girls who smoke pot, listen to heavy metal, and who read CREEM are easily screwed. We have drawn our own conclusions about you: 1) You are from another planet 2) You suffer from a rare psychological disease, or 3) You date a lot of whores.

It is our sincerest wishes that CREEM will print this letter. We think you are a fine magazine and ’really appreciate the cover story on Van Halen. It was excellent and long overdue. We are open to any rebuttal from other readers.

. Sincerely,

Diane Johnson Debbie Baskin Prince Georges, MD (We aren’t. — Ed.)

LIQUID PLUMBER

1 loved your review of Departure so much that 1 decided to write and tell you just what became of my August issue. First 1 pulled out the staples, then I fore the whole thing to pieces. I was gonna put it in the cages so that my purebred, pedigreed white laboratory rats would have something to relieve themselves on, but I figured CREEM, like everything else, probably causes cancer ip white laboratory rats. ■'So to make a long story short, CREEM is not on its way to the Bloomington Sewage Treatment Plant, where it truly belongs.

CREEM sucks forever,

S. Christensen Bloomington, MN (Have a Tp.b on us.—Ed.)

“MATURE” IS “MANURE” MISSPELLED!

A good point and a bad point on CREEM, First the bad point.

1. Who the hell are the fucking scum-sucking pigs and sluts who write in to your magazine? Everyone of them is either screaming how heavy metal is just injections for a bunch of drugged-out freaks, or that punks and new-wavers are low life weirdo scums. Then they have the nerve to call themselves real rockers!!! Real rockers can appreciate all;variations (with the slight exception of disco shit, which has nothing to do with music anyway!!). I’d like to see, anyone of your dumb-ass readers try to play any song by any one of the bands they put down.

HEY!! Snot-baby McNamara! The CARS are great and you suck! Furthermore, anyone who doesn’t like America is a communist scum-bag. DIE!!!!! To the jerk who put down The Boss (Springsteen) in your August ’80 issue, you should be buried next to Snot-baby. DIE!!!!! Will all you one-track minded roick ’n’ rollers wise up and appreciate talent when you hear it!! ~

And now the good point.

2. We’re also sick of the readers who put down your magazine. It truly is America’s only REAL rock ’n’ roll magazine. Rolling Stone can take a flying fuck into a pit of hell for all we care, You’re GREAT!! Keep up the good work!!

Thanks,

2 people who can appreciate all rod?’n’ roll!

Matthew C.

and

Bill Gibson Decker (Gibson’s my real name) Basking Ridge, NJ P S. The best bands are:

The Beatles. Led Zeppelin, the Cars; Lynyrd. Skynyrd, the Clash, the Who, the Boss, the Pretenders, the Kinks, Squeeze, the Police, the Ramones, the B-52’s, the Charlie Daniels Band, Pink Floyd (last but certainly not least)

P.P.S. How about a Rossington-Collins/ Skynyrd article? (New Cars too)

P.P.P.S Your Ed.’s comments are the only good part of your letters. Keep it up!

(No.-Ed.) I|p

KUNTE K1NKE

You get a lot of crap from your readers, so I’d like to congratulate you for a change. The article on the Kinks in the Sept, 1980 issue was great! However, J Kordosh is way off base with a few of , his reviews.

Although I agree that Kinda Kinks is “kinda lousy,” I think the review of Soap Opera is awful. Anyone who calls that a bad album must never nave listened to side two. “DucksjDn The Wall” and “You Can’t Stop The Music” are among Ray?S finest songs. Equally stupid was the review of Sleepwalker. How can you leave out “Life On The Road” and “Life Goes On”? But I’ll forgive you these mistakes because1 you’re the first writer to realize what’s been readily apparent for the past 11 years—The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society is the best album ever released by anybody.

God Save The Kinks!

Jackie Schimmel Northbrook, IL '

P.S. The Dave Davies article and the review of One For The Road were great, too.

MONEY TALKS!

I guess after having the Clash and the Pretenders on the cover you had to have another longhair to please all the hippies that still exist (I use that word loosely). At least it was Seger, one of the few longhairs with any-respectability. I know you are sorry for thp David Lee Roth cover, and I forgive you, ’cause I know that money is important. But as I was heading for the backstage section in your September issue, I found something on the back cover that I will not let pass without bitchin’ about. An ad for High Times magazine!! Really, guysr I thought you were above that! Tell Connie Kramer to go work. for Rolling Stone.

I was glad that you reviewed the Alice Cooper and Devo albums for what they are instead of getting caught up with what is “in.” Also glad to see that DiMartino is recovering from his Clash “accident.” (Or maybe it’s the Clash recovering from their DiMartino accident.) But Strummer qnd the boys are still the premier ROCKNROLL stars of the day, along with Elvis C., the Ramones, John Lydon (wasn’t he great on the Tomorrow show:) and all the ex-N.Y. DOLLS, the greatest band that ever existed.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Get a'haircut,

Juvenile Joey Super ' Homer(where),. NY

P.S. I confess, I still listen to the Pistols and the Stones! , '

P.P.S. Tell Rick Johnson to keep it up, he’s funnier than a Hall and Oates article!

(That’s what his girlfriend tells him, too: —Ed.)