CREEM’S FIRST ANNUAL DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

CREEM'S FIRST ANNUAL DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

Rick Johnson

Then In 1973, I Learned How

Ted Nugent: “I didn’t know you could beat off until 1972.”

Pest Control And The Baby Seal Joe Fernbacher on The Wall: “I give it an 88 because it makes me wanna put cats in Samsonite briefcases and strangle em.”

When Postcards Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Write Home

Richard Riegel on Devo: “As I’m passing out of the Holiday Inn, I spot Mark Mothersbaugh engaged in one of those wanton acts of destruction today’s decadent rockstprs are so inclined to indulge in: he’s purchasing a coil of U.S. postage stamps from a vending machine in the hallway . ”

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Flash: Hell Found Frozen Over!

Gregg Turner apologizes in print for hostile Suzi Quatro review.

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No, But I Cpn Take A Hint

This year’s dumbest ad, courtesy of Judas Priest: “Can You Take 12 Inches of British Steel?”

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How Did She Know It Was An Act? Cherie Currie: “Every time we’ve done an interview with you guys, you’re all real nice, but when we see the story, you tear us all to shreds.”

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And Don't Forget To Wipe Joe Jackson: “To me, writing...it’s like having a shit.” C

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It’s Easier To Swallow That Way Howard Leese of Heart: “Most of us are into the meatless things/’

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But Does She Give Good Nose?

Mitch Cohen’s Rubinoos fantasy: “The Rubinoos come to Pasadena, Audrey dares Buddy to sneak into their hotel room. Eyes lock, hands around waist, Jon sings ‘Promise Me’ staring right into her face, she melts in his arms, cut to Kate fretting in a print housedress. From upstairs, in Annie’s room, we hear ‘Lightning Love Affair.’ ”

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In The Future, No One Will Know Who Andy Warhol Was

Mistaken for one of the Cars, Jeff Morgan , humbly sighs autographs.

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Why Do You Think They Call Her Boss?

For most accurate disclosure of attitude of CREEM’S editorial staff: “One thing you gotta say for England, over-the-countercodeine.”—Sue Whitall ☆ ☆ ☆

I Also Brought My Receipt For Red Octopus When opening act Rory Qallagher cancels due to his brpther’s near-fistfight with' a Jefferson Starship roadie disguised as Paul Kantner, Starship offer refund to Gallagher fans, Many of the ticket holders allegedly rush to the box office.

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Twenty Four Hours And She Delivers For the most physically offensive CREEM Dreem: “Big” Bebe Buell.

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Does That Include Iggy?

Iggy Pop: “You know who buys all of hisstuff at Sears Roebuck? David Bowie!”

Show Biz Is Just One Big Happy Family “That was sheer torture...a waste of vinyl”—Elvis Costello on heating Linda Ronstadt’s versions of his songs.

“I think it’s garbage.”—Rachel Sweet on the Slits LP.

“That doesn’t take talent, that’s just two chords going back and forth.”—Kansas’ Robby Steinhardt on Bruce Springsteen

“He’s a fucking cunt!”—Joe Jackson on Elvis Costello

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Sonny Was More Like Murph’s 76 Station On ’Ludes

“Being married to Gregg was like going to Disneyland on acid. You knew you had a good time, but you just couldn’t remember what you did. ”—Cher

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Fernbacher Campaign Funding Under Investigation

After a mysterious theft ..at the recording studio, Judas Priest are forced to ransom back master tape of their new LP.

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You Read It Here First!

“You know, I resent the word ‘subtle’!”?— Gene Simmons

“When I’m onsfage, it’s me up there.”— LeneLovich

“Where are we from in Akron?”—Jerry Devo

“Ideas whose times have come all over the wall aren’t easily discarded.”—Richard Riegel

“I’m so damn happy. I’m rich!”—Iggy Pop “Far away, in the cold Atlantic, a spear pierces the lung of a tuna.”—Nick Tosches “Ugh! I pluck them. Ond hair at a time. I like the pain. I like the slow approach.”—Debbie Harry on her legs

“Beaver, you should take your life and triple space it.”—Wally

“Jimmy Page is ugly and his sister dresses him funny.”—Patti Magda, Sunnyside, NY

“Bring back R. Crurrtb...only he can save us.”—Joe Strummer /

“Nnnghhh...”—uttered by many, first attributed to Britt Eklund ☆ ☆ ☆

The Robot Hull I-Am-Not-Fictitious Award. For Best Editorial Reply To Hate Letter “Where is this ‘Canada,’ anyway? And why do we keep getting letter from it?”

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Biggest Disappointment Roy Carr on Elton Johns attempted suicide.

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Street Phrase Of The Year “Hope you boiled it first!”—anon. Ed.

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Worst Pun Of The Millenium “Gilt-by-association”—R. Riegel ☆ ☆ ☆

Okay Now, Mr. Marino, Where Were You On The Night Of The 23rd?

Noel Redding* former bassist for Jimi Hendrix, receives death threats after he starts legal action td recover back royalties. ☆. ☆ ☆

The “Doubting” Bill Gubbins Memorial Career Recognition Award to Edouard Dauphin, CREEM’s movie reviewer.

Some of his biggest hits: “You’ll skip The Visitor even if you see it,” “A movie as boring and predictable as tomorrow’s headlines” (The Seduction Of Joe Tynan), and “When A Stranger Calls, hang up!”

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If You Have To Ask, You Wouldn’t Understand Anyway

“If Blondie is a group, does that mean Debbie Harry is a person?”—reader Angus McIntosh, Saskatchewan ☆ ☆ ☆

; Pope Shit Found In Woods!

‘1 do pray that you would, with the help of ; Jesus Christ, turn your talents to good.”— Rev, Mark Blackwell after cancelling his daughter’s subscription

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More Little Hitlers Exposed “The reason so many critics hate Van Halen and like Elvis Costello so much is because they all look like Elvis Costello.”—David Lee Roth ,

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It’s Okay, Roger, They’d Boo God If He Dropped A Beat

When asked to cheer on cue so they could be a part of a Pink Floyd album, an L.A. audience responds • with extended booing and streams of four-letter words.

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Why Don’t We Just Go On As Friends? Puh-lease , Mr. Postman: “Rick Johnson’s article on Heavy Metal was the worst piece of shit I ever read.”—Salem Sam, Providence.

“I’m sure many hard rock lovers out there will agree with me when I say that Rick Johnson is an asshole.”—Pissed in NY.

“Rick Johnson: you incompetent jerk!”— Janet, Van Nuys.

“Tell Rick Johnson for me that he is SICK!”—Punk Wop, Houston.

“Regarding one Mr. Prick Johnson: you got to kinda admire the guy for not moving to Canada.”—Lonely Plant Boy, Portland.

“Rick who?”—Airhead, Newport News, VA