MAIL

MAIL.

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

BAD TASTE MAKES WASTE!

After reading the July 1980 issue of CREEM, I decided the time had come to put a few of my thoughts regarding “America’s Only Rock ’n’ Roll (AHEM COUGH COUGH CHOKE) Magazine” down on paper. Don’t get the wrong idea—it’s not that the July 1980 issue was outstandingly bad. All issues of CREEM are. But, after a succession of outstandingly bad issues, it builds up to a point where the mere mention of the word “CREEM” leaves the reader (any reader with good taste, that is) outstandingly ill.

I had previously only skimmed through CREEM, capturing glances at issues my friends had and reading various articles. I don’t really know why I Went out and wasted money on an issue for myself. ..I guess I just wanted to confirm my theory that ALL of CREEM was as bad as most of it. Unfortunately, but not at all to my surprise, my theory held true. The usual bad taste was revealed on the front cover, and continued to present itself throughout almost every article, right up to the very last page.

First of all, I realize that some people (of questionable heritage, of course) actually like Van Halen, but even a good thing—and Van Halen is about the farthest thing from good—can be overdone. Personally, if I see just one more picture of David Lee Roth I think I’ll retch. For someone who thinks himself so sexy and “macho” and masculine, he is about the queerest, gayest thing I’ve ever seen. As for the...well, I guess you could call it an “article” ...as for the “article” on Heavy Metal and Van Halen, I imagine that Dave DiMartino is ecstatic, having offended myself and countless others. The ridiculous title was bad enough, but how can anyone even compare Roth & Co. to Led Zeppelin, much less state that Van Halen has “surpassed” the Almighty Plant and his H.M. Cohorts? If there’s on thing Van Halen isn’t, it’s America’s Led Zeppelin. I wish you wouldn’t even call them Americans, it wounds my national pride. (And there’s not much of that left, what with Howdy Doody Carter and his exploits of late.)

Believe me, I appreciate the talents of Eddie Van Halen—he is an excellent guitarist. It’s a shame that his extraordinary talents are so wasted...the band doesn’t deserve to share his name.

One last thought on V.H.: the only decent song they ever did was “You Really Got Me,” and Master Davies and the Kinks did a much, much better original rendition a long time ago.

Which, incidentally, leads to my next comment, dealing with “Burbank Calling,” by the anything-but-“klever” J(erk-off) Kordosh.

Mr. Kordosh, before the Who “attained the status of mayhem-mongerers in Cincinnati, USA.” they were (and still are) one of rock ’n’ roll’s top bands. (Of course, working for CREEM, you wouldn’t know a lot about Rock ’n’ Roll, now would you...) Before that, the Who recorded Quadrophenia, and who can forget the Townshend masterpiece Tommy? The first real Rock Opera, it was a major breakthrough in music and an inspiration to countless other artists—American and British. They were marvelous at Woodstock, magnificent at Monterey. They were the Grandfathers of Punk, smashing their equipment and driving themselves and their audiences to the limits of frenzy. Before that, they were hardly just “clothes-oriented Mods”— granted, Mod had a lot to do with fashion, but the main thing was the music, first and foremost. And the Who weren’t really Mods. They were popular with the Mods. You can ask Pete Townshend about that.

Okay, Kordosh. Maybe what you’re saying is that Americans should get off their collective ass and create an American music scene, one that the rest of the world will copy for a change. But do you have to be so damn insulting about it? For your information, the English have been driving on the “wrong” side of the road a lot longer than Americans have been driving on the “right” side of the roads over here. And as for their government, have you taken a good look at ours lately? Maybe changes are a good idea. At least if they get some absolute idiot for a Prime Minister they’re not stuck with him for four years.

(I admit that they probably change PMs faster .than you change your socks...or your underwear.) They’ve got 1000 + years of history compared to our measly 200.

The fact that we need them to “call our attention” to what is really going on in music is no reason to be insulting. I should think you’d be grateful. I mean, where would Rock Music be today if not for the Beatles and other British Invasion bands? For all we know, we’d probably still be wearing crewcuts and trying not to throw up as the jukebox played “Big Girls Don’t Cry” for the 100,000,000,000th time.

To hell with Burbank. If London’s calling, I’m answering. ENGLAND ROCKS!!

Eva Soon-To-Be-A-London-Resident Crawford

President, OPD Incorporated Hamilton (is an ungodly place to live) OH P.S. The only halfway decent thing in the July ’80 issue was the al|-too-true bit on Nugent, page 66. Of course, a really decerit mag wouldn’t lower themselves to print his picture in the first place...

(A “really decent mag” wouldn’t print letters from jerks, either. —Ed.)

TEEN ANGST THRIVING!

Just because you’re one of America’s best rock mags doesn’t give you the right to say that David Lee Roth is just a pretty homo! And that goes for Robin Zander too! Believe me, they’re not! I’ve heard them in interviews and stuff and it’s easy to tell that you’re definitely wrong! Anyway, how would you know? This pisses me off!

Cindy (I may just be 13, but I know a lot about rock ’n’ roll!) Smith

East Detroit, MI (That’s right! I’m a Detroit rocker!)

P.S. What the hell, I still like your mag!

P.P.S. Get rid of all that punk shit! Long live heavy metal!

PUNKS NO DUMMIES!

CREEM magazine made me puke today, I shoulda known that as soon as you put someone good like the CLASH on your cover, you’d go do something like this. The article on Van Halen was actually worthwhile. It made me realize how much I dislike Dave DiMartino.

DAVE DIMARTINO IS A DICK!

I HATE VAN HALEN AND I’M RIGHT!

It’s bad enough he made Clash fans look like dopes by asking Strummer moronic questions, and now this! EAT SHIT, BUDDY!! FUCK OFF, YOU SCUM! Just stick to Van Halen, they’re about your level, I suppose.

And, I also fail to see how any halfway intelligent girl could get off on some hairy pug-nosed queer. But then, I guess women that do get off to David Lee Roth are about the female equivalent to Robert Plant. DON’T YOU REALIZE THE MINDLESS, LOW-LIFE VEGETABLES you’ve got reading this rag? Now we intelligent women realize that the CLASH are indeed the men of the 80’s, and women are safe in the hands of these guys. They have a kind of kinky genuine respect for females, which is more than we can say about these long-haired gel-brains screaming about “getting some.” Not to mention that they’re also the BEST LOOKING band since the Pistols broke up. Give me Mick and Joe anyday, and let the fucking scums have David Lee Roth. Instead of Hippies, how about some real MEN on your cover? You got the Clash on it (finally), now let’s see JOHN LYDON Yeah! You have a perfectly legitimate reason to put him on the cover! He has a GREAT new band and besides, you dicks gave the Pil LP a good review. So let’s see JOHN LYDON! More! More! More!

I would like to say that PUNKS ARE NOT DUMB! Genuine punks may not be lawyersmart, but we’re not dumb! Look at it this way. Your average Led Zeppelin fan sits around doing drugs and playing the stereo loud. At least punks either have a job or are out doing something constructive like rioting. And look at your NEW WAVE and CLEMMA freaks. These people are very smart. All the brainy people I know listen to Eno and Fripp and the Talking Heads and Gary Nurnan. They like Deep music.

BUT I’M JUST A PLAIN PUNK AND I’M SMART!

Get this: I had a straight-A average in school till I quit when Sid died. You owe Strummer a hell of a lot more than royalties. Try more like the sales of this shitty magazine. And quit your whining, cause he ain’t buying you any more love beads!

Tell Rick Johnson for me that he is SICK! Honestly! “Budding” young adolescents? Christ! Maybe that’s why all the dumb ass guys down here like Pat Benatar...

Respectfully yours,

Punk Wop

Houston, TX

P.S. I still hate you, Dave DiMartino, and just ’cause you’re Italian doesn’t get you off the hook either!! Hey Dave, how much are you willing to bet Women And Children First will not even be in the Top Ten on the next Reader’s Poll and London Calling will be in the Top Five if not #1. FUCK OFF, YOU STUPID ASS!

P.P.S. SHUT UP ABOUT STRUMMER’S HAIR! First it’s his teeth, then his ears, and now you’re picking on his hair! I LIKE IT!! (His Hair.) Gawd! Give the guy a break!!

(If heredity didn’t, why should we?—Ed.)

RAMONER BONER!

I L-O-V-E the Ramones!

But here’s a hardcore fact that might interest you:

Q: Do you know what “Gabba Gabba Hey!” means?

A: “Gabba Gabba” is what you yell when you’re about to cum, and “Hey” is what your girlfriend yells when she can’t get her hands apart!

Punk is also poetic.

Sincerely yours,

Jeff Sherky

Reading, PA

P.S. Next month I’ll tell you why Les Chappell is bald!!

(If we don’t show up, start without us. —ED.)

OMINOUS WARNING!

To David Lee Roth: To you Elvis Costello may look funny. Well at least there is no question that he is a man. The first time I saw a picture of you I thought you were a girl. The way you dress and act I thought that if you were not a girl you must be some kind of pouf. I know that Elvis would never go around puckering and pouting like a girl. What are you trying to do when you do that? You look like you’re ready to give somebody some head.

Elvis dresses and looks like a man. No girl I know would look like Elvis. He has hair that no girl would have. I keep hearing girls saying “Boy, wouldn’t you just love to have his hair?” when they look at your pictures. Elvis has all the features.of a man. As for you, the only difference between you and any girl is that you shove a sock in your spandex pants. If you are trying to look sexy, then what sex are you trying to appeal to, anyway?

I can’t see why all the girls in this hell-hole I live in love you so much. I’ve narrowed it down to two things. Either they are all bi, or they love a man they can dominate. And you look easier than most to dominate. My advice to you is to either get a sex change or a hair cut. Either be a man or a woman. Don’t do something in-between. If you don’t, someone may kick your faggoty ass around the world and back again. Peter Kovak Mt. Vernon, IL

(Van Halen are currently touring the world. They will be back again. —Ed.)

HOT WIENER TO GO, PLEASE!!

Re: David Lee Roth

When I picked up the July issue of CREEM I went HOT DOG! David Lee. Now I know why CREEM is the best R&R mag around, when you put David on the front cover, there was no question about it.

The picture of David on page 45 at the bottom of the page is the best picture yet. I could even see everything, with steam coming from the picture (that’s how hot it is.)

Boy, if he looks like that in clothes, when he strips to nothing a shows his stuff, I bet it’s like an earthquake.

If David is as hot in his pictures as he seems to be, I bet in person he is as hot as Mount St. Helens at its PEAK! I can’t wait until he gets back to Chicago in July. I am going to get me a stage pass and try out the merchandise..

LADY IN WAITING

Chicago, IL

(Don’t forget to fill out the warranty card, sweetie. —Ed.)

CLEAR-CUT ANALYSIS!!

I know you get a lot of poems, but I don’t give a fuck.

If you don’t print this one, I’ll know for sure you suck!

THE CREEM POEM by Steven Mitchell

To the editors of CREEM Magazine You put trash on your covers and more trash in between,

This heavy metal shit on which morons are weaned.

You guys are hypocrites, you are low-life scum,

You magazine is stupid and your readers are dumb.

Your readers sit back like fools while you peddle all your shit,

Peddling Heavy Metal the way the English peddle tits.

Profiteering assholes selling Heavy Metal sludge,

Your readers lap it up whilst their minds turn to fudge.

But here’s one who isn’t buying, and since my poems is nearly done,

I can say Heavy Metal SUCKS! And NEW WAVE’S number one!!

Sex Pistols/Clash/Heartbreakers/Damned! Betcha don’t print this—scumbags!

Steven Mitchell

North Jersey, NJ

(We always print poems that include the word “whilst.” Catch our drift, big boy?—Ed.)

CANADIANS POETS TOO!!

I’m getting sick of you guys putting Canada down, especially Richard Walls in the July 1980 issue. Who gives a fuck whether Second City TV isn’t funny? 1 sure as hell don’t!

Richard C. Walls:

Suck your balls.

• Sincerely yours,

Adam Gladue

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada P.S. I have to give you guys credit, unlike Rolling Stone, at least you know we exist.

(We especially enjoy your kangaroos. —Ed.)

TRANQUIL TUBS!

My mother says CREEM is deliberately publishing unflattering pictures of Anita Pallenberg and Wayne Kramer is no gentleman.

She said Anita Pallenberg is probably taking Thorazine because she is nervous these days, and Thorazine causes tremendous weight gain in some people.

She said that the only way she would ever look at CREEM magazine again is if she needed to lose weight. She could look at CREEM to lose her appetite.

Do you think I could get some thorazine from Anita for my mother?

Sincerely yours,

Manacled in Massachusetts

Boston, MA

(Sounds like a fair exchange to us. —Ed.)

BLATANT GENERALIZATIONS!! Dear Assholes,

You know what I think? I think the girls who read your magazine are sluts! All they ever write about is how they’d like to fuck Steve Tyler or get stoned with David Lee Roth. If those girls had any morals, they wouldn’t even listen to Steve Tyler, let alone suck his cock. What ever happened to the nice girls who used to listen to the Clash? Why don’t girls go for guys like Stiv Bators or Joey Ramone anymore?They’re the real men left in rock. This shift in female musical taste has left me with three conclusions:

1) Girls who like heavy metal fuck.

2) Girls who smoke dope fuck.

3) Girls who read CREEM fuck.

This situation really pisses me off and I wish you would do something about it to make it better.

Don’t take any wooden nickels,

Jeff Martin

Grants Pass, OR

P.S. Things sure have changed since I got kicked out of parochial school.

(Yeah. They started teaching grammar. —Ed.)

BONUS CANADA SLAG!!

After having suffered through a year’s subscription to your worthless rag-mag, I am happy to say that my last issue is not far off and I can conveniently forget CREEM forever. However, since I did suffer through it, it seems logical to have written at least one letter...

Regarding one Mr. Prick Johnson: You got to kind of admire the guy for not moving to Canada or something—I mean really, don’t you think worm-turds are a little too much in a rumored rock magazine? Reading his countless ramblings about everything from Laverne & Shirley to heavy metal, I think it’s safe to say that he has no brain either. What’s even more—he looks like a real nerd. As a matter of fact, just like David Lee Roth said, he looks like Elvis Costello. (We know this because during a recent showing of Rock 'n' Roll High School, a crazed Ramone fan yelled “Rick Johnson likes the Clash!” during his cameo appearance, of course—at which point the screen was ripped down and the paddy wagons came.)

Which reminds me—Phil Spector, if you are out there, mind your own business and leave the Ramones alone. Which reminds me again— CREEM, leave us long-hairs alone. If we all wanted to look like shaved peaches, we damn well would, but most of us would rather not look like escapees from an insane asylum.

Also like to take the opportunity to thank Dave DiMartino for the long overdue VAN HALEN feature. What’s more, it wasn’t filled with the usual CREEM funny stuff (sic). David Lee said it when he stated that there’s a little VAN HALEN in everyone. Which, unfortunately for you, is not true of Iggy, the Clash, Pat Benatar, or the Split Enz. Not that I got anything against any of them but I sure would rather read about the New York Dolls, the Stones, Bob Seger, Angel City, Dead Boys, Japan, or—you got it—the only and only Jimmy Page and company—LED ZEPPELIN Also, if you’re gonna have movie reviews, why not make them movie reviews instead of Rock Johnson poo-poo corners?

You can’t ignore the Aussies forever!

I mean, it’s amazing how AC/DC, Mi-Sex, Angel City and the Skyhooks could be so thoroughly ignored by what’s supposed to be a rock mag. Sure their music is a little strippeddown, but what the hell, it’s full of energy, ain’t it? The Cradle Has Rocked!

Maybe next time around.

Lonely Planet Boy

Portland, OR (Volcano Land)

P.S. Keep your ears open for the “Durable Swingers.”

(Next ish: Durable Swingers in the Rick Johnson Poo-Poo Corner?—Ed.)

BOWWOWS!

You know what I told my son the other day? I said, “Boy you gotta eat up all your Alpo or you won’t grow up to be big and strong like IGGY POP.” So he ate up, wagged his tail, and went out for a search & destroy mission on the cat next door. He’s got a new leash on life.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Man’s Best Friend

Oggie Doggie Daddy Sr.

(not Paul McKinnon from Vancouver Island, Canada)

DOGS THAT WRITE!

Fools!!! In the July issue, on page 33, the car you refer to as a Rolls Royce is not! It’s a Bentley. That’s the type of mistake Rolling Stone might make. I didn’t expect it from CREEM. Like the Lovich article and the Fripp review (it was much better than your Exposure review). Write more Devo articles! Thank you.

Sincerely,

Un Chien Andalou

a.k.a. HMP304IDH-6

Cocoa, FL

(Just testing. —Ed.)

SOME PEOPLE LIKE WASTING STAMPS, TOO!

Just thought you’d like to know you’re mentioned in The Stand by Stephen King: Chapter 35, pg. 280. It’s an obvious typographical error, but I figure you guys need the publicity. Take care—25¢ for air.

Greg Hurd

Melvindale, MI

BLIND LOVE STINKS!

Once again I am disappointed in your review of J. Geils. (July issue) Granted, Richard Riegel threw in a few compliments here and there, but again, he spends more time talking about himself than the band. As for your wisecracks about their six encores, you ought to be thankful that you were blessed with such a treat. J. Geils fans are loyal to the people they love, their fans. Who needs you there anyway? Geils certainly doesn’t. I am sick and tired of people taking pot shots at J. Geils. CREEM being a Detroit-based magazine, I expected more out of you when it comes to writing an in-depth story of Detroit’s (and Flint’s) favorite adopted rock ’n’ roll sons. I’ve learned not to expect anything good to come out of your magazine anymore. As for trying to bribe and interview with Geils by telling them you’ll do a cover story, well, where is it??? We have enough deceiving people in this world without adding more to the list.

J. Geils are so underrated it makes me want to throw up. In fact, I think I will. All over your magazine. They are the most talented musicians ever to assemble together in a band and yet people continue to try and find fault with them. I have come to the conclusion that everyone is just jealous!!! Nobody can copy them, yet they are constantly compared to other musicians. There has never been anyone like them and there never will be. Some people don’t realize when they’re blessed until it’s taken away from them. J. Geils, you know at least we appreciate you! We are proud of you!!

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Your loyal fans and friends,

Jan and Brenda

also Jodie, James, Nancy & Dorothy Flint & Detroit, MI

(Moral: Six fans are better than none. —Ed)